Episode 53

Rajiv despondently polishes his bar and Magnus enters to chat about the crazy Matlock he just watched.  The defendant's lawyer enters to finagle Magnus' fingerprints and finally gets a slightly smudged glass that might do.

When Rajiv is alone again, a slick mobster offers to sell Rajiv "premium" coffee at twice the regular price because it includes "insurance"--kneecap insurance, and building-burning-down insurance.  The mobster and his friend, "Pennsylvania Phil," will be back for Rajiv's answer.

A burglar breaks into a bank "Mission Impossible"-style and steals...something...from Rajiv's safe deposit box.

The defendant's lawyer goes to Solomon's River General Hospital to find it quite devoid of workers.  Jervis enters in a cloud of weed, looking for a splint for Mousy Librarian (who had been in the caves with Jervis) and the lawyer is looking for Dr. Scarlett, "the most bribable doctor in town."  While figuring out what to do, they accidentally activate H.A.L.--the Heuristic Algorithmic Letch--a hologram modeled after Dr. Scarlett.  H.A.L. indicates that Dr. Scarlett is...unavailable.  The lawyer requests a sample of Magnus Aversson's blood which requires a thumbprint, and she gets Jervis to leave it for her, meaning Jervis is now the only one who can reach through a force field to get the vial.  Jervis finally remembers Mousy is in a cave with a hurt leg and the lawyer offers to help him with the splint if he'll grab Magnus' blood for her.  Inconveniently, Magnus' granddaughter, Cilantro, enters and is quite suspicious...so the lawyer punches her, Mayor-style.

• Will the lawyer be able to frame Magnus to free Jerome Tallender, rhymes with calendar?
• Will Rajiv pay protection money to the mob, or will he be kneecapped by Pennsylvania Phil?
• What was stolen from Rajiv's safe deposit box, and who stole it?
• Will Jervis find his way back to the caves to help Mousy Librarian before or after the explosion they don't know about?
• Will anyone investigate what happened to the hospital staff?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 52

*Glunge-glunge*  We now bring you into a courtroom drama on Solomon's River!

Judge Brian Schmitchlee is presiding over the murder case.  On the stand, Mr. Jerome Tallendar (rhymes with calendar) of Tallendar's Frozen Products, is being grilled by the prosecution lawyer.  Witnesses and DNA evidence place Mr. Tallendar at a dead hooker's apartment though he swears he was only there adding to his bubblegum wrapper collection and he was cut by sharp bubblegum aluminum foil.

The prosecution calls an aluminum foil expert to the stand: Dr. Faffenhadstennden.  Dr. F is a dubious expert and the prosecution treats him as hostile with a slap-fest.

With much shocked inhalation, the prosecution calls to the stand.... Magnus Aversson!  Magnus thought he had been watching Matlock, but comes to the stand anyway.  The defense begs him to plead the fifth, just like they practiced.  Luckily, Magnus' Alzheimer's Disease allows him the plead the fifth without a problem.  The prosecution treats Magnus as hostile and slaps the old man around.

During a recess, Jerome professes his innocence, though the case is not going well.  Magnus is the only one who can save him, but the Alzheimer's makes that difficult.  Mr. Tallendar suggests framing Magnus!  Mayor Joe Bob Solomon enters and the defense sees a possible ally in the mayor voted "Most Underhanded Mayor in the United States" by Time magazine.  Mr. Tallendar accidentally tries to take off the mayor's left nipple.  Mr. Tallendar offers to double whatever Magnus has contributed to the mayor's campaign if he'll help frame Magnus.

Called back into court, the defense requests it to be her turn and the judge agrees.  She calls to the stand Mayor Joe Bob Solomon.  The defense crosses her fingers and interviews her witness, leading him to say her client was NOT at the house of prostitution and Magnus WAS there, but things go horribly awry.  Judge, prosecution and defense approach the bench and the defense loses in a game of rock/paper/scissors.  The defense requests a mistrial because the Mayor is too stupid to be bribeable.  The Mayor retaliates by punching her.

• Will Mr. Jerome Tallender go to jail for the rest of his life?
• Will Magnus somehow be framed instead?
• Will the prosecution and defense lawyers go back to their respective firms and never be seen again?
• Will Mayor Joe Bob's nipple heal?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 51

Dr. Scarlett and Dr. Turquoise, wearing their long-sleeved vests and attempting to penetrate the sweltering jungle, accidentally disturb a nest full of the evil "Blatree Fly" and have to make a run for it.

Meanwhile, Jervis the Janitor explores the Solomon's River Caves trying to find Mildred the Mousy Librarian.  He gives up rather quickly in favor of getting high.  Around him, Angelica and her "minion's minion" are setting up for the first meeting of the amnesiac support group--which they secretly plan to seal in by setting off explosives at the cave's entrance.  Mousy Librarian, being one of the founding members, enters to supervise set up.  Jervis professes his love for her, and she not only accepts his apology for taking advantage of her while she was forgetful, but she leaps into his arms and they kiss semi-passionately.  She tries to play coy, and they wander deeper into the caves.

Rajiv is sobbing in his coffee shop, missing Princess Lakshmi.  Suddenly, in walks Mrs. Rajiv with.... a BABY!  Apparently, they had vowed to have any of their children born back in India, so that's where she was.  She is irritated he didn't return her email or pick her up at the airport.  Rajiv is beside himself with surprise that his wife, whom he presumed dead, is back and with a baby that decidedly does not bear any resemblance to him.  Magnus Advarsson's tab is due and may start Baby Rajiv's college fund.

Jere Koff wanders in and tries to recruit Mrs. Rajiv to help with his campaign.  Though the baby seems disturbed by Jere, Mrs. Rajiv leaves to help him with his campaign work.  Franny Mason enters, looking sheepish.  Rajiv understands that it must have been Franny who had let Lakshmi go.  Franny insists that what escaped the basement was an apparition!  Rajiv fires him on the spot, and Franny is sad.

• Will Drs. Scarlett and Turquoise survive the buggy jungle?
• Will Jervis and Mildred finish falling in love, and/or will they be trapped in the caves forever when Angelica blows up the cave entrance?
• What will Rajiv do if his not-dead wife finds out about Lakshmi?
• Is the baby Rajiv's?
• What about Magnus, Jere and Franny?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

 

Episode 50

Frannie inadvertantly releases Lakshmi from her basement prision while he's cleaning Rajiv's Coffeehouse.  She makes a run for it.  Jervis the Janitor enters, heartbroken because he regrets lying to Mousey Librarian.  Jervis vows to find her and apologize.

Meanwhile, with the King of the Natives, the Nurse tries to request help to save Doctor Scarlett.  The King discusses with the other Natives, and slaps a manacle to her ankle and drags her deeper into their realm.

Doctor Scarlett regrets losing the Nurse, and Doctor Turquoise outfits their group with vests and guns to track her.  After the doctors vacate the lab, Doctor Turquoise's mutated mother enters for a treatment.  Finding her son gone on some mission, she decides to administer treatment to herself...

Rajiv comes back from deliveries and goes to the basement to check on Lakshmi... she's gone!

• Will Rajiv find Lakshmi again?  What will he do to Frannie for losing her?
• What plans does the King of the Natives have for the Nurse?
• How will Doctor Scarlett and Doctor Turquoise fare on their hunt?
• What bad could come of Doctor Turquoise's 140 year old mother experimenting on herself?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 49

Cilantro and her asssssssissssstant are discussing her grandfather, Magnus, and how he seemed displeased with her design choices for his castle.  Magnus and the assistant come to an agreement that they don't understand one another.  Cilantro tries to abandon the scene.  Further misunderstanding causes Magnus to try to abandon the scene.  Nobody manages to ditch and even more misunderstanding ensues.  The assistant finally manages to abandon the scene, followed quickly by Magnus and Cilantro.

Carla Calavara has returned to Solomon's River!  After wandering the wilds of Wisconsin for six weeks with amnesia, a squirrel's rogue nut caused at least some of her memory to return and vengeance will be hers!  Wandering into Carla's musings are Jervis the Janitor and Mousy Librarian.  Jervis has been "updating" Mousy on her life--saying she was his sex slave.  Carla vows that no one will ever take advantage of those with amnesia again: she will start a support group!  Mousy wants to take revenge against Jervis and tries to choke him to death when she was interrupted by Janice "Peach," Private Detective and Attorney at Law.  Jervis works his passive-aggressive ways and leaves.  Carla, Mousy and Janice all leave to start the support group.

Rajiv risks the wrath of Vishnu when he speaks to Lakshmi, still locked in the coffeehouse basement.  Lakshmi refuses to give Rajiv any more passionate kisses as long as she's locked up.  Rajiv manages to keep Lakshmi trapped while he speaks to Mayor Joe Bob Solomon upstairs.  Rajiv tries to cover for Lakshmi's angry shouts by saying he's working on a ventriloquist act for the Mayor's birthday and competition.  The Mayor has stopped by to let Rajiv know the neighbors have been complaining about strange voices.  Rajiv and Mayor Joe Bob eventually come to a misunderstanding and they are saved by a change of scene.

Angelica, Carla Calavara's former #1 minion, is on the phone and clearly frightened by the idea that Carla is back in town--what if Carla remembers that Angelica lied to her while her memory was gone?  What if Carla remembered that Angelica used her for free laundry folding services?  Carla knocks!  Angelica reluctantly, but obediently, opens the door and is embraced by a happy Carla!  Carla's memory is only coming back slowly and she hasn't yet gotten to the part Angelica played.  Carla reveals her plans for an amnesiac support group and asks about a place to meet.  Angelica helpfully suggests the mines under Solomon's River...

• Will Cilantro be able to finish redecorating Magnus' castle in time for the fall issue of Elle Home?
• Will Mousy ever be able to forgive Jervis for lying to her?
• Will Lakshmi escape before the authorities figure out she's trapped?
• Will Rajiv have to actually come up with a ventriloquist act?
• Will Angelica manage to trap Carla in the mines and seal her in?  Could Carla survive with only an urn of bad coffee and a "Beach Walk" jar candle from Yankee Candle?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 48

In this episode of Solomon's River,  we find Dr. Scarlett talking with Dr. Turquoise's 140-year-old mother, asking her about her secrets of youth.  Dr. Turquoise arrives with the new "sample" (an unconscious man) to regenerate his Mother, and asks Scarlett to assist.  While conversing, Scarlett discovers that Turquoise and his lab make money through a variety of means, including the selling of plutonium!  


To regenerate his mother, Turquoise takes blood from the "sample" and injects it into his mother. This process is guaranteed to regenerate her by 20 years in fewer than 5 minutes, making her the equivalent of a 120-year-old. In 15 minutes she is 60 years younger! Unfortunately it turns out that the "sample" was apparently brain-deficient, and it is having an adverse effect on Mom!

Meanwhile, in Rajiv's Coffee House, Princess Lakshmi is once again locked in the cellar.  Jervis comes in, toking on a doobie, asking for Rajiv's help; he is concerned about the Bummer Bomber who is running around town blowing things up.  At that moment, Mildred the Mousy Librarian enters, but she has amnesia!!! Jervis recognizes her...she explains a milquetoast man told her they were married and took her to his trailer to have marital relations with her.  Jervis tells her she is not married and shares his ganja with her.  She leaves with him to go to his empty trailer.  Rajiv leaves, dragging a heavy box over the trapdoor.

Across town Magnus is taking a walk, trying to get over the purple decor his granddaughter has saddled him with.  During his walk a "designer" bring over paint samples for Cilantro, including lavender, ochre/orange, and 50 shades of grey for the bedroom.

• Will Dr. Turquoise's mother recover from her treatment?
• Will Mildred the Mousy Librarian recover her memory, or will we be able to milk that storyline for a few episodes?
• What will Rajiv do now that he has Lakshmi in his clutches again?
• Will Magnus go with puce, or mauve?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

 

Episode 47

Dr. Scarlett and Dr. Turquoise are pondering the missing nurse again when Dr. Turquoise's mutated 140 year old mother enters requesting another treatment--a t-cell grafting from someone fresh and young.  Dr. Scarlett will be along to observe the operation.

Magnus is happy to be alive, but baffled by the newly redecorated castle.  Cilantro and her team have provided a fabulous castle makeover!  Turquoise, trellises and velvet throne/Volkswagen.

As she wanders back through town and the rubble of the library, Princess Lakshmi is simply beside herself with anger that she cannot leave Solomon's River.  A man stands, admiring the destruction.  The princess is even more put out when she realizes she must go back to the only person she knows in town: Rajiv.  She leaves to find the coffeehouse.

Jervis the Janitor, as mellow as can be and sporting his imaginary monkey, also crunches through the rubble and tries to get the vaguely familiar man to imbibe.  Janice White, Detective, comes to interview Jervis.  An assistant sets up a perimeter with yellow "Hazard Zone" tape that will not be used as a tool to add to the plot.  Janice disposes of Jervis' joint and, thusly distracted, the suspicious man is able to sneak away.  Jervis belatedly recognizes the man: the Rude Guy who was talking about bombs... plural!

Meanwhile, as Rajiv looks at his coffeehouse from a different perceptive, Princess Lakshmi reluctantly returns.  Their heated argument about which country has the biggest bomb-wielding idiots turns into a heated lip lock!

• What diabolical doctoring are Drs. Scarlett and Turquoise exploring?
• How far will Cilantro and her team go with their flamboyance?
• Who will stop the Rude Guy with Bombs?  Jervis?  Janice?  Somebody else with a J-name?
• What will become of Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi's sudden passion?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!