Episode 99

This week we find the mysterious and slightly ineffectual British agents discussing their plans to audition Matlock impersonators in order to further their equally mysterious Magnus Adverson-related plans. They figure their best option would be to wander into town and check out the crowd at the local coffee house.

Across town at an unnamed Chinese restaurant, a newly-returned Cilantro finds what appears to be a "gill from a fish" in her tea. One of the owner comes over to help, trying to determine whether the gill is from tuna or not, then working to remove a newly-discovered, very long hair from the teapot. Once the owner discovers Cilantro is Magnus Adverson's granddaughter and therefore must be rich, she leaves to bring her the "personal stock tea." She later complains about the inadequate tip.

Meanwhile, in the Solomon's River water treatment plant, two employees are working diligently to unclog the intakes of all the mermaids.  Placing the mermaids into the chopper, the workers find they are having trouble flushing them down and decide it would be prudent to call in someone from the DEC, or the HIP, or HIV, or SPCA. They become concerned when issues of whether or not mermaids are protected come up, and are worried someone might actually be reading their reports. They leave to do the only logical thing and destroy the reports.

At the local coffee house, an elderly couple is discussing various old people things when Agent 69, after several attempts, manages to subdue the old man with a tranquillizer dart. He is wheeled away to become an unwilling Matlock impersonator.  Once back at the mansion, the agents decide this one will do well and tie him up. After some accent training, they begin the work of brainwashing him. It is at this point that Cilantro shows up, sees the faux Matlock, and the agents are forced to bean her on the head. Since the plan was to have Matlock kidnap one of Magnus' granddaughters, things are unfolding nicely. Placing her on his lap, they take pictures.

• Will the water treatment workers manage to destroy the reports before anyone sees them?
• Will the SPCA be concerned about the mermaids?
• Will Magnus be fooled by a coffee house Matlock?
• Will Cilantro have a nasty bump on her head?
• What kind of fish gill was it?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 48

In this episode of Solomon's River,  we find Dr. Scarlett talking with Dr. Turquoise's 140-year-old mother, asking her about her secrets of youth.  Dr. Turquoise arrives with the new "sample" (an unconscious man) to regenerate his Mother, and asks Scarlett to assist.  While conversing, Scarlett discovers that Turquoise and his lab make money through a variety of means, including the selling of plutonium!  


To regenerate his mother, Turquoise takes blood from the "sample" and injects it into his mother. This process is guaranteed to regenerate her by 20 years in fewer than 5 minutes, making her the equivalent of a 120-year-old. In 15 minutes she is 60 years younger! Unfortunately it turns out that the "sample" was apparently brain-deficient, and it is having an adverse effect on Mom!

Meanwhile, in Rajiv's Coffee House, Princess Lakshmi is once again locked in the cellar.  Jervis comes in, toking on a doobie, asking for Rajiv's help; he is concerned about the Bummer Bomber who is running around town blowing things up.  At that moment, Mildred the Mousy Librarian enters, but she has amnesia!!! Jervis recognizes her...she explains a milquetoast man told her they were married and took her to his trailer to have marital relations with her.  Jervis tells her she is not married and shares his ganja with her.  She leaves with him to go to his empty trailer.  Rajiv leaves, dragging a heavy box over the trapdoor.

Across town Magnus is taking a walk, trying to get over the purple decor his granddaughter has saddled him with.  During his walk a "designer" bring over paint samples for Cilantro, including lavender, ochre/orange, and 50 shades of grey for the bedroom.

• Will Dr. Turquoise's mother recover from her treatment?
• Will Mildred the Mousy Librarian recover her memory, or will we be able to milk that storyline for a few episodes?
• What will Rajiv do now that he has Lakshmi in his clutches again?
• Will Magnus go with puce, or mauve?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

 

Episode 27

In this episode of Solomon's River, Cilantro returns from her "vacation" and meets her grandfather, Magnus and her sister, Samantha.  Samantha asks Cilantro if she's seen Mr. Ylung during her absence; Cilantro tells her she hasn't, none too convincingly.  Samantha calls Ylung's office; she discovers the line has been disconnected.  The mysterious Janice "Grey" comes in, claiming to be from the EPA, asking about the noxious gasses being released from Calivera Enterprises.

Meanwhile, at Solomon's River General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett has Bob-Joe Solomon under hypnosis to try and discover what happened when they were at each others throats.  Bob-Joe was choking Scarlett, and the doctor had pumped Bob-Joe full of horse tranquilizers.  Both collapsed; Bob-Joe woke up first, then Scarlett, who opened a safe or cabinet, pulled out a box and removes from it a clown suit, big red nose and a wig, which he proceeded to put on Bob-Joe.  Then Dr. Scarlett's nurse arrived and handed Bob-Joe a gun, supposedly telling him to kill Jerry Koff.

Across town at Solomon's River United Catholic Church of God Our Heavenly Father in Christ, Tripp is in confessional, admitting that he killed someone, and seemed to enjoy it.  As Tripp is exploring non-murderous life options, Janice "Scarlet" busts in, declaring herself to be from the IAC, Internal Affairs of the Church.  She overheard Tripp's confession and has it taped.

In a miscellaneous character's home, we find Patsy, who has just returned from a trip unpacking a suitcase.  She discovers it is not her case; it belongs to someone named Cilantro.  It is filled with men's sexy underwear and is labeled..."Mr. Ylung!"

• Has Cilantro seen Mr. Ylung, and if so, why would she be lying about it?
• Why in God's name would a nurse want Jerr Koff dead?
• What was Tripp going to tell the priest before they were so rudely interrupted?
• What is Mr. Ylung's sexy underwear doing in Cilantro's suitcase, and why does he label it "Mr. Ylung?"

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 7

We begin this week's episode of Solomon's River with Mayor Joe-Bob Solomon stopping in to speak with Rajiv at the Coffee House.  The mayor is questioning Rajiv about Magnus Advarsson's attempted murder, but Rajiv is less than helpful; Joe-Bob leaves, having gained no useful information.

Detective Smith encounters Cilantro in a public restroom, first confronting her about Samantha's love for Mr. Ylung, the lawyer, and then about Cilantro's supposed pregnancy.  Cilantro is unsure of her "status," so Det. Smith whips out a pregnancy test kit and has Cilantro pee on the stick.

Meanwhile, Mayor Solomon is walking his dog Sparky when the ghost of Suzanne returns and tortures him with the tale of her horrible and crushing death. Suzanne then tells Joe-Bob he must "make it up to the little boy who was in love with me."

Back in the public restroom, Cilantro is shaking the pee stick, trying to speed things up.  "Don't shake it like a Polaroid!" Det. Smith admonishes as they look at the results...was it a blue line?  Was it a pale pink line?  No...it was a black line!!!  Both are shaken, and Smith pumps Cilantro for information...has she been experiencing periods of memory loss, unexplained cuts & bruises, perhaps an odd tattoo on the back of her neck?

Across town the mayor's neighbor is meeting with one of the Mason brothers regarding the plot against the mayor, when the not-so-long lost brother returns, giving no concrete explanation for his mysterious disappearance.  The neighbor wants it "done fast!" and the Mason brothers promise to "step it up," perhaps by kidnapping the dog and sending the mayor a paw.  The neighbor seems satisfied with the plan as he tells them to "make it happen!"

Dr. Scarlett is visited in his office by Mr. Ylung, the lawyer.  He warns Scarlett that he must give up his claim to the family fortune or else Ylung will blab about "the bastard child."  Scarlett is obviously shaken.

Magnus Advarsson, not one to pass up the opportunity to enter a restroom, enters the restroom and finds Det. Smith, who helps Magnus find his lost wallet. Once the detective leaves, Magnus clutches his chest and falls to the floor.

• What does Cilantro's "black line" mean?  Will she discover why she is having memory lapses?
• Will Mayor Solomon figure out who was the little boy in love with Suzanne?
• Will the Mason brothers do nasty things to the mayor's dog?
• Who is Scarlett's "bastard child?"
• Will Magnus survive this apparent cardiac event?
• Will he seek help for his overactive bladder?

 Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 2

As Magnus Advarsson is talking with his lawyer, Mr. Ylung, about changing his will, his granddaughters have arrived, trying to talk him out of it.  Before they get far, Samantha is smitten with Mr. Ylung, and her twin sister Cilantro is furiously jealous.

Dr. Scarlett has left the healthcare facility and shows up to talk in private with his brother who, in his demented condition, does not recognize his own flesh and blood.  Magnus leaves to visit his favorite café, Rajiv’s Coffee House.

Det. Smith finds Magnus at Rajiv’s and begins to question him; Advarsson has an episode and collapses just as his granddaughters arrive.

• Will Mr. Ylung fall for Samantha?
• Will Dr. Scarlett get his brother to remember him?
• Will Det. Smith get to finish questioning Adverson?
• Is Magnus still alive?
• Will Rajiv manage to sell any rhubarb pie?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 1

Magnus Advarsson, an elderly and rather addled curmudgeon, is heir to the Solomon’s River Mine fortune.  His granddaughters, Samantha and Cilantro, learn about his fortune from a mysterious stranger who drifts into town.  Hitman Johnny Tess, from Chicago, offers to “help” with their problem of getting rid of Magnus.

Dr. Scarlett, Magnus’ brother, is in a healthcare facility.  His nurse knows he’s also heir to the fortune, but tells him in order to claim his fortune he must be of sound mind, and must marry.

Detective Smith, recently moved to Solomon’s River, snoops about, looking for suspicious activity in town.

Magnus visits his lawyer, Mr. Ylung, in order to have his will changed.  Samantha and Cilantro arrive to intervene.

• Will Magnus change his will?
• Will Samantha and Cilantro have him killed?
• Will Dr. Scarlett claim his fortune?
• Will Det. Smith find any ne’re-do-wells?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!