Episode 94

Rajiv has made it to Vegas, to the Velvet Elvis Museum, and into the basement/evil lair where he finds a poorly devised laboratory and no sign of Princess Lakshmi, yet...

McShane has (mostly) escaped the haunting voices of Solomon River General Hospital's sub-basements and returns to his life before being stabbed with a broken bottle during a mentally deficient couple's fight: McShane's Bar.  Though he sees it has been converted back into Rajiv's Coffee House, he still crawls in through a window and considers stealing old rhubarb pie.  The lingering voices drive him away.

Grandma Poppy's battery-drained chair is in danger of being clipped by a vehicle.  She wonders where her women are, particularly Doreen.  Grandma Poppy's anger against men is fueled by unwanted, and quite smug, Boy Scout assistance.

At the police station, Detective Smegly promises to help a woman complaining about Lowertown, despite the fact all other officers disappeared while investigating.  He writes a note that inexplicably reads, "Must stop Grandma Poppy before she finds the Secret."

Princess Lakshmi bustles into the evil lair's laboratory, having been tidying up, and runs into who she believes is Rojav.  By his lack of gifts, missing promise ring, bulging eyes, different outfit, and stink of coffee, she slowly realizes that this is not evil twin Rojav but rather original fiancée... Rajiv!

• What will McShane do now that his business is gone and the voices are not?
• Where are the women of Lowertown?  Where is Doreen?  What will Grandma Poppy do without an electrical outlet?
• How in the world does Detective Smegly know about "the Secret"?
• What will Rajiv do now that he's found Princess Lakshmi willingly in the clutches of his twin?
• What will Rojav do if he finds Rajiv in his evil lair?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River

Episode 93

The phone rings in Rajiv's Coffee Shop, and Rajiv hears a voice he thought was long gone: his twin brother Rojav, believed dead in Bombay.  Rojav called from Las Vegas to taunt Rajiv that he will never have Princess Lakshmi again!  Rajiv grabs his bags and heads to 3494 Las Vegas Strip, Velvet Elvis Classic Museum, Basement, Evil Lair.

Grandma Poppy's Hoveround hadn't been charged, so the only lackey available had to push it uphill.  Unfortunately, the lackey was too weak, and the chair rolled back over her, leaving Grandma Poppy alone in Solomon's River proper.  Suddenly, Grandma Poppy realizes her predicament: she has no other women with her, she's a wanted terrorist, and she's strapped to an uncharged personal mobility vehicle behind enemy lines.

H.A.L. tests his new powers over Nurse and finds she follows directions quite literally and seems limited in the number of steps any task may take.  His instructions: find Dr. Scarlett, bring him to H.A.L. so H.A.L. may kill him, but don't tell him about the killing part.

Released from all local and Federal authorities, Frannie Mason isn't giving up on fishing.  He quickly gets a catch: an angry merman whose girlfriend almost died when Frannie caught her.  Not wanting to be berated by a fish, Frannie throws him back.

Doris awakes, tied back to back with Dr. Scarlett who is finally realizing the damage a "mere hologram" can do.  A "jail cell guardian" arrives, and it becomes clear that H.A.L. has been attempting to create holographic life!  So far, it's rudimentary and the graphics are poor, but it brings them a tray of German food.  They eat and plot.

The voices taunt McShane, still wandering the maze under the hospital, about missing out on The Secret--it has already been taken!  McShane is having none of it anymore.  Discovering a ladder, he climbs to a window and leaves.

Doreen regrets losing her sister Lurleen, but basks in the new-found power of... The Secret!

• Can Rajiv rescue Princess Lakshmi from his evil twin?
• What will happen to the stranded Grandma Poppy, especially now that The Secret has been found by one of her followers?
• How does an underground cavern get a window, and what will McShane do, now that he's no longer hounded by spirit voices?
• Will Nurse follow H.A.L.'s directions?  Can Doris and Dr. Scarlett overcome their poorly programed jail cell guardian?
• Is Frannie Mason in trouble with the Merpeople?  Will avoiding water solve his problem?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 92

The pace of Lowertown women's attack on men isn't going as fast as Grandma Poppy would like.  She really wants the hospital taken because she was a former worker at the Bic pen factory (that burned to the ground upon which the Solomon River's General Hospital now stands.)  Whatever is there, Grandma Poppy wants to capture so the women can control Solomon's River.  Unfortunately, Lurleen and Doreen already went to the hospital without knowing the secret backstory, and may be in danger.  Grandma Poppy calls for her Hover Round.

H.A.L. is now ensconced on his holographic throne, again in full control of the hospital.  Nurse returns, not knowing the hologram is not Dr. Scarlett.  While suspicious, Nurse is not nearly suspicious enough, and she does as she is bid, grabbing a computer chip and following H.A.L. into the procedure room...

Two Scottish brothers, one named Angus, have been lead to Solomon's River by their father's treasure map.  The treasure is "near the hospital".  They don't bother to think that there may be more than one hospital and they start randomly digging.  About two inches down, Not-Angus pulls out a locked box.  Wanting to shoot it open, he realizes they must go shop for bullets.  The brothers leave the grounds of Solomon's River Beth Israel Hospital with the box.

Frannie Mason is fishing and pining for his dead brother.  He has a flashback to better times back in the mines.  The Mason Brothers, in memory, are disposing of a body for Carla Calvera by chopping it into pieces.  Suddenly, Frannie's line jumps, and he is brought back to reality with the catch of a lifetime: a mermaid!  Unfortunately, mermaids are more fish than women, and this one doesn't speak English, nor can she breathe out of the water.  A man from the Environmental Protection Agency warns Frannie that mermaid fishing is illegal.  Fish and Wildlife Service representative asks to see Frannie's mermaid fishing permit.  An FBI agent claims jurisdiction.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Mermaids protests, demanding she be rolled back into the water.  Everyone draws their guns, and the mermaid flaps her gills.

• What is this thing of power somewhere in Solomon's River General Hospital?
• Will Nurse become the new Doris?
• What has happened to Doris, or to Dr. Scarlett, for that matter?
• What were the Scottish brothers looking for, what did they find, and is it the same thing?
• What will happen to Frannie Mason, now that he's in trouble with the EPA, the FWS, the FBI and PETM?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 91

The new cement floor of Rajiv's Coffee House has just been smoothed in place by Rajiv, who is now stuck behind the counter, which is better off than Magnus, Rajiv's wife and child who were in the basement.  The stray cat plaguing Rajiv plagues his floor with kitty pawprints.  Worse, a customer enters.  Rajiv tries to get her to smooth all the prints out of the floor.  She tries her best, and asks for a foam-topped caramel latte.  She gets a black coffee with a Werther's Original dropped in the bottom.  Just as she's about to leave, to Rajiv's amazement, Magnus enters!  Magnus, Rajiv wife and child had already left the basement through an unused walk-out.  Luckily, Rajiv's wife is extraordinarily strong.  Magnus says she went to the police while he was drawn back to the shop by words no one over 80 can resist: Werther's Originals.  Magnus fishes it out of the customer's drink and the floor is further ruined by tramping about.

Detective Smegly, on the phone with the Commissioner, blames poor police work on Mayor Solomon's budget cuts and suggests Lieutenant Bustybottoms might help.  Officer Jared brings Big Gulps with Pop Rocks for Smegly and suddenly remembers a phone message for him.  The call came from the mayor himself and was poorly remembered as, "Help, help!  I have to read a prepared statement... blah blah blah... 'We will take over Solomon's River.  We are The Armageddon Squad...'" and more "Help, help!"  Unfortunately, Detective Smegly was lost at, "Help, help!" and Officer Jared leaves to make sun tea.  Lieutenant Bustybottoms is peeved because Detective Smegly tried to "pass the buck" by having the Commissioner call him instead.  The Lieutenant asks if there's any new information about the Mayor's kidnapping, and, unfortunately, the Big Gulp/Pop Rocks combination has caused the Detective to forget the phone message.  Detective Smegly promises to read the newspaper to find out the latest.

Princess Lakshmi has struck paydirt: she has scootched into Rojav's lair!  Rojav unties her and proposes to retie her, if she liked...

• What will Rajiv do now that his wife, presumed dead and presumed not with child, has escaped his basement and has possibly gone to the police?
• What will the police do, hounded by the Commissioner, budget cuts, and forgetful staff?
• Where is Mayor Solomon?  (And isn't Mayor Joe-Bob Solomon dead and secretly being impersonated by his twin Bob-Joe?  There was a virgin-killing cult and much shenanigans back the 20-something episodes.)
• Who is "The Armageddon Squad" and what do they want?
• Will Princess Lakshmi truly find love with Rajiv's evil twin?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 90

After searching dozens of velvet Elvis museums for Rojav, Princess Lakshmi finds herself at "The Original, the One and Only Velvet Elvis Museum, Las Vegas".  The threat of police intervention inspires the proprietor to allow the princess to scootch down one more set of basement stairs.

McShane's spirit guides are sick and tired of trying to lead him around.  He finds a door.  And a bloody knife.  And a burned box of matches.  And an old receipt for gasoline.  He also finds he is sick and tired of hearing the spirits' voices.  The spirits try to get McShane to find a corner in a round room.  Playing the hot/cold game only leads to disaster when the spirits of those who died in a gruesome Bic Pen factory fire in the early 1800s get to, "You're burning up!"

Rajiv orders concrete via phone (because the internet is down all over town) to make a new floor for his coffee shop (and, therefore, cement Magnus, Rajiv's wife and child into the basement.)  The mailman arrives to deliver an insurance letter and is disappointed to not be able to get Dr Pibb (because of the "problem" with Rajiv's basement storage.)

Meanwhile in Lowertown, the now named Doreen calls to her sister, Lurleen, and enlists her to help get into Solomon's River General Hospital.  While they're away, they want their father to be safe in the women-ruled Lowertown, so they devise a plan to throw his favorite thing, Swiss cheese, into a closet, and lock him in while they're gone.  He falls for it and is left, wearing a dress, locked in a closet, nibbling on cheese.

In Solomon's River General Hospital proper, Dr. Scarlett works on the panel that controlled H.A.L., but Doris is worried that she hasn't heard from H.A.L. in some time.  Dr. Scarlett tries to get her to take off her tin foil helmet and convince her that he has purged H.A.L. from the system.  Doris becomes suspicious, and pokes the doctor... her hand passes through him!  It is H.A.L.!

• Has Princess Lakshmi finally found the right Velvet Elvis Museum?
• Has McShane actually found clues to the Bic Pen factory fire, or are these different clues?
• Will Rajiv really cement three living people into his basement?
• Will Doreen and Lurleen succeed at the hospital, and will their father stay put?
• Is Dr. Scarlett helping Doris, or H.A.L.?  How many times can Doris be fooled by a hologram?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 89

Princess Lakshmi has hopped her way back to The Velvet Elvis Museum in search of her kidnapper, Rojav.  The proprietor knows nothing of a secret lair, but shows her the basement stairs anyway and leaves the still-roped princess to scootch down.

Grandma Poppy reiterates her need for taking over the rest of the town.  She tells a Lowertown tough-girl and her friend Petrina that the hospital's basement "holds the key Solomon's River."  Grandma Poppy flashes back to her childhood when her father, who worked at the hospital, introduced her to smoking.  The girls are instructed to bring back opiates, but not before they search the hospital basement.

Doris the secretary, her neural net still plagued by H.A.L., pleads with Dr. Scarlett to help her remove the evil hologram.  Dr. Scarlett is skeptical of H.A.L.'s abilities until H.A.L. himself appears and confronts the doctor!  H.A.L. demands Dr. Scarlett's help to get a body (so he may do the things he cannot do as a hologram.)  H.A.L. disappears and Doris returns, enlisting Dr. Scarlett's help to get rid of H.A.L.

Meanwhile, far below the hospital, McShane has yet to find any secret or avenge any death.  He has wandered so deeply into the sub-basement, it is now more cavern-like than basementy.

Detective Schmiggly mans the police department alone.  The Commissioner forces the detective to abandon the station for a meeting.

A distraught couple searches desperately for their steroid-riddled breeding ferret, Luke.  Hugely disproportioned, Luke appears and gobbles up his steroid treat.

• Will Princess Lakshmi find Rojav in The Velvet Elvis Museum basement?  Is it even the right museum?
• What will the Lowertown girls find in the basement of the hospital?  Will they have better luck than the still-wandering McShane?
• Can Dr. Scarlett help Doris?  Will Dr. Scarlett help H.A.L.?
• What does the Commissioner want with Detective Schmiggly?
• Don't ferrets experience the same testicular shrinkage that humans do when exposed to that much steroids?  How will Luke breed?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 88

Rajiv is hovering over his new floor hole when Magnus enters, seeking confirmation that he does not, indeed, have a butler.  Distracted momentarily by Mr. Bonkers, a pestering cat, Rajiv confirms the absence of a butler.  Magnus finally falls into the hole, apparently drawing the attention of another basement dweller: Mrs. Rajiv and baby!  Magnus accidentally mentions Rajiv's princess girlfriend, upsetting the wife.  Rajiv covers the hole and sneaks away.  Meanwhile, somewhere in a Las Vegas phone booth, Princess Lakshmi calls to give Rajiv one more "one last chance".  Magnus accidentally mentions Rajiv's wife, upsetting the girlfriend.  Princess Lakshmi promises death for Rajiv.

McShane wanders the Solomon's River General Hospital's haunted basement corridors, finding an old door with a gender-biased sign: "He Who Opens This Door Shall Find the Secret."  Voices urge McShane to both open and not open the door.  McShane opens the door and the voices beg him to enter... the door slams shut behind him.

The British spies have received new instructions and a 3-D printed watch that will monitor Magnus' activities.  Benderson the Butler (a.k.a. Agent 60210) is to give the watch (printed by Agent 4) as a gift.  Benderson searches for Magnus who seems to have slipped from the castle without their notice.

In a church basement in Lowertown, Bob the Student Burglar, who still suffers a leg wound, is tied to a chair.  A girl of Lowertown, feeling bad for the man, brings him a Happy Meal.  Bob is ungrateful, and she takes it back, her hatred of men supported, rather than dashed, by the confrontation.  She leaves him to bleed to death.  Sneaking in after the girl's departure is Jere Koff, former mayoral candidate, now Lowertown's secret Mayor of Men.  The men scuttle into the hidden depths.

• How will Magnus get out of Rajiv's basement?  Especially if Rajiv wants his wife to remain trapped...
• Will Princess Lakshmi actually find a way to return and kill Rajiv for his lies?
• How did Mrs. Rajiv and baby even manage to stay hidden through all of Rajiv's Coffee House's changes?
• What will McShane find beyond the door?
• Can the British agents get the tracking watch to Magnus?  How is Benderson at polishing silver?
• What plans does the secret men's group have, hidden away under the women-ruled Lowertown?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!