Episode 96

Rojav has returned from shopping for unstable chemicals and Princess Lakshmi greets him in the Elvis Museum, before he can get down to his secret lair.  He is suspicious, but she manages to take the chemicals for him while he waits upstairs.  She brings the chemicals down to Rajiv, who must make a trap for his evil twin Rojav for when they return from a night out at the Bellagio.

Bob the Student Burglar returns to his mentor at the School of Burglary who gives him instructions.  If he completes this last task, he may be allowed to graduate!  Since Grandma Poppy has been riling up the ladies and making burglary difficult, Bob must find her during the full moon, strip her naked, douse her with extra virgin olive oil, rub his body against her and plunge a rather large Sacred Dagger "right between her boobs."

Meanwhile, somewhere else...

Magnus is wandering his castle after a long nap on the toilet ("Rip van Tinkle.")  Butler Benderson, the British secret agent, is still trying to penetrate Magnus' defenses and install a microchip allowing Magnus to be tracked.  Benderson's co-spy, via earpiece, has him tell Magnus that he's been hired by granddaughter Cilantro and will now make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  The agent makes the sandwich with the microchip in the peanut butter, but takes too long and Magnus isn't hungry for it anymore.  Benderson fishes out the chip and Magnus sees it, recognizing the Chinese make.  Magnus casually mentions he used to run three big factories that made microchips: one in China, one in Arizona and one more in the US, but it was secret.  The secret factory is the one the agents want to know about, so Benderson attempts to find out more.  The Agent must abort the attempt at close questioning when it gives Magnus a Viagra-supported erection.

• Will Rajiv set up a trap for his evil twin Rojav, and will it work?
• Will Bob be able to fulfill the most difficult instructions yet, when he was unable to fulfill the simple ones?
• Will the British Secret Agents find out what they need to know from Magnus?
• What is the secret of the secret microchip factory?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 95

Grandma Poppy has abandoned her drained motorized mobility device and is now dragging her ruined body through Solomon's River, looking for the other women of Lowertown.  Doreen, once her go-to girl, appears, bragging about the power of The Secret to Grandma Poppy.  The spirits under the hospital have infused her with the gift of healing and goodness, but she has decided for evil.  Grandma Poppy implores Doreen to use the power to help women just before Doreen leaves, eyes glinting.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the hospital, Doris and Dr. Scarlett are tied back to back, having escaped the slow-witted hologram guard, created by genius hologram H.A.L.  Doris hoists Dr. Scarlett onto her back and they crawl into some sort of access tube, hoping to escape to the cafeteria.

Frannie Mason has finally made it back to his fishin' spot.  Unfortunately, Mermaids have long memories, and the one Frannie caught, along with her merman, manage to pull Frannie underwater and drag him away...

In another part of the hospital, Nurse follows the footprints of Dr. Scarlett and Doris into the access tube while still struggling to remember H.A.L.'s exact instructions.  H.A.L. waits.

McShane has a clandestine meeting with Detective Schmegly and they have a fascinating conversation.  They both reveal they know about The Secret, but must keep quiet, being Secret agents.

• What will Doreen do with unlimited power for evil?
• What will Grandma Poppy do now that her revolution has gotten away from her?
• Will Doris and Dr. Scarlett find the cafeteria before Nurse finds them?
• How will Frannie Mason fare in the Mermaid Kingdom?
• What are McShane and Detective Schmegly up to?  Is it a coincidence that they sound so much alike, or does it mean something...

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 94

Rajiv has made it to Vegas, to the Velvet Elvis Museum, and into the basement/evil lair where he finds a poorly devised laboratory and no sign of Princess Lakshmi, yet...

McShane has (mostly) escaped the haunting voices of Solomon River General Hospital's sub-basements and returns to his life before being stabbed with a broken bottle during a mentally deficient couple's fight: McShane's Bar.  Though he sees it has been converted back into Rajiv's Coffee House, he still crawls in through a window and considers stealing old rhubarb pie.  The lingering voices drive him away.

Grandma Poppy's battery-drained chair is in danger of being clipped by a vehicle.  She wonders where her women are, particularly Doreen.  Grandma Poppy's anger against men is fueled by unwanted, and quite smug, Boy Scout assistance.

At the police station, Detective Smegly promises to help a woman complaining about Lowertown, despite the fact all other officers disappeared while investigating.  He writes a note that inexplicably reads, "Must stop Grandma Poppy before she finds the Secret."

Princess Lakshmi bustles into the evil lair's laboratory, having been tidying up, and runs into who she believes is Rojav.  By his lack of gifts, missing promise ring, bulging eyes, different outfit, and stink of coffee, she slowly realizes that this is not evil twin Rojav but rather original fiancée... Rajiv!

• What will McShane do now that his business is gone and the voices are not?
• Where are the women of Lowertown?  Where is Doreen?  What will Grandma Poppy do without an electrical outlet?
• How in the world does Detective Smegly know about "the Secret"?
• What will Rajiv do now that he's found Princess Lakshmi willingly in the clutches of his twin?
• What will Rojav do if he finds Rajiv in his evil lair?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River

Episode 93

The phone rings in Rajiv's Coffee Shop, and Rajiv hears a voice he thought was long gone: his twin brother Rojav, believed dead in Bombay.  Rojav called from Las Vegas to taunt Rajiv that he will never have Princess Lakshmi again!  Rajiv grabs his bags and heads to 3494 Las Vegas Strip, Velvet Elvis Classic Museum, Basement, Evil Lair.

Grandma Poppy's Hoveround hadn't been charged, so the only lackey available had to push it uphill.  Unfortunately, the lackey was too weak, and the chair rolled back over her, leaving Grandma Poppy alone in Solomon's River proper.  Suddenly, Grandma Poppy realizes her predicament: she has no other women with her, she's a wanted terrorist, and she's strapped to an uncharged personal mobility vehicle behind enemy lines.

H.A.L. tests his new powers over Nurse and finds she follows directions quite literally and seems limited in the number of steps any task may take.  His instructions: find Dr. Scarlett, bring him to H.A.L. so H.A.L. may kill him, but don't tell him about the killing part.

Released from all local and Federal authorities, Frannie Mason isn't giving up on fishing.  He quickly gets a catch: an angry merman whose girlfriend almost died when Frannie caught her.  Not wanting to be berated by a fish, Frannie throws him back.

Doris awakes, tied back to back with Dr. Scarlett who is finally realizing the damage a "mere hologram" can do.  A "jail cell guardian" arrives, and it becomes clear that H.A.L. has been attempting to create holographic life!  So far, it's rudimentary and the graphics are poor, but it brings them a tray of German food.  They eat and plot.

The voices taunt McShane, still wandering the maze under the hospital, about missing out on The Secret--it has already been taken!  McShane is having none of it anymore.  Discovering a ladder, he climbs to a window and leaves.

Doreen regrets losing her sister Lurleen, but basks in the new-found power of... The Secret!

• Can Rajiv rescue Princess Lakshmi from his evil twin?
• What will happen to the stranded Grandma Poppy, especially now that The Secret has been found by one of her followers?
• How does an underground cavern get a window, and what will McShane do, now that he's no longer hounded by spirit voices?
• Will Nurse follow H.A.L.'s directions?  Can Doris and Dr. Scarlett overcome their poorly programed jail cell guardian?
• Is Frannie Mason in trouble with the Merpeople?  Will avoiding water solve his problem?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 92

The pace of Lowertown women's attack on men isn't going as fast as Grandma Poppy would like.  She really wants the hospital taken because she was a former worker at the Bic pen factory (that burned to the ground upon which the Solomon River's General Hospital now stands.)  Whatever is there, Grandma Poppy wants to capture so the women can control Solomon's River.  Unfortunately, Lurleen and Doreen already went to the hospital without knowing the secret backstory, and may be in danger.  Grandma Poppy calls for her Hover Round.

H.A.L. is now ensconced on his holographic throne, again in full control of the hospital.  Nurse returns, not knowing the hologram is not Dr. Scarlett.  While suspicious, Nurse is not nearly suspicious enough, and she does as she is bid, grabbing a computer chip and following H.A.L. into the procedure room...

Two Scottish brothers, one named Angus, have been lead to Solomon's River by their father's treasure map.  The treasure is "near the hospital".  They don't bother to think that there may be more than one hospital and they start randomly digging.  About two inches down, Not-Angus pulls out a locked box.  Wanting to shoot it open, he realizes they must go shop for bullets.  The brothers leave the grounds of Solomon's River Beth Israel Hospital with the box.

Frannie Mason is fishing and pining for his dead brother.  He has a flashback to better times back in the mines.  The Mason Brothers, in memory, are disposing of a body for Carla Calvera by chopping it into pieces.  Suddenly, Frannie's line jumps, and he is brought back to reality with the catch of a lifetime: a mermaid!  Unfortunately, mermaids are more fish than women, and this one doesn't speak English, nor can she breathe out of the water.  A man from the Environmental Protection Agency warns Frannie that mermaid fishing is illegal.  Fish and Wildlife Service representative asks to see Frannie's mermaid fishing permit.  An FBI agent claims jurisdiction.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Mermaids protests, demanding she be rolled back into the water.  Everyone draws their guns, and the mermaid flaps her gills.

• What is this thing of power somewhere in Solomon's River General Hospital?
• Will Nurse become the new Doris?
• What has happened to Doris, or to Dr. Scarlett, for that matter?
• What were the Scottish brothers looking for, what did they find, and is it the same thing?
• What will happen to Frannie Mason, now that he's in trouble with the EPA, the FWS, the FBI and PETM?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 91

The new cement floor of Rajiv's Coffee House has just been smoothed in place by Rajiv, who is now stuck behind the counter, which is better off than Magnus, Rajiv's wife and child who were in the basement.  The stray cat plaguing Rajiv plagues his floor with kitty pawprints.  Worse, a customer enters.  Rajiv tries to get her to smooth all the prints out of the floor.  She tries her best, and asks for a foam-topped caramel latte.  She gets a black coffee with a Werther's Original dropped in the bottom.  Just as she's about to leave, to Rajiv's amazement, Magnus enters!  Magnus, Rajiv wife and child had already left the basement through an unused walk-out.  Luckily, Rajiv's wife is extraordinarily strong.  Magnus says she went to the police while he was drawn back to the shop by words no one over 80 can resist: Werther's Originals.  Magnus fishes it out of the customer's drink and the floor is further ruined by tramping about.

Detective Smegly, on the phone with the Commissioner, blames poor police work on Mayor Solomon's budget cuts and suggests Lieutenant Bustybottoms might help.  Officer Jared brings Big Gulps with Pop Rocks for Smegly and suddenly remembers a phone message for him.  The call came from the mayor himself and was poorly remembered as, "Help, help!  I have to read a prepared statement... blah blah blah... 'We will take over Solomon's River.  We are The Armageddon Squad...'" and more "Help, help!"  Unfortunately, Detective Smegly was lost at, "Help, help!" and Officer Jared leaves to make sun tea.  Lieutenant Bustybottoms is peeved because Detective Smegly tried to "pass the buck" by having the Commissioner call him instead.  The Lieutenant asks if there's any new information about the Mayor's kidnapping, and, unfortunately, the Big Gulp/Pop Rocks combination has caused the Detective to forget the phone message.  Detective Smegly promises to read the newspaper to find out the latest.

Princess Lakshmi has struck paydirt: she has scootched into Rojav's lair!  Rojav unties her and proposes to retie her, if she liked...

• What will Rajiv do now that his wife, presumed dead and presumed not with child, has escaped his basement and has possibly gone to the police?
• What will the police do, hounded by the Commissioner, budget cuts, and forgetful staff?
• Where is Mayor Solomon?  (And isn't Mayor Joe-Bob Solomon dead and secretly being impersonated by his twin Bob-Joe?  There was a virgin-killing cult and much shenanigans back the 20-something episodes.)
• Who is "The Armageddon Squad" and what do they want?
• Will Princess Lakshmi truly find love with Rajiv's evil twin?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 90

After searching dozens of velvet Elvis museums for Rojav, Princess Lakshmi finds herself at "The Original, the One and Only Velvet Elvis Museum, Las Vegas".  The threat of police intervention inspires the proprietor to allow the princess to scootch down one more set of basement stairs.

McShane's spirit guides are sick and tired of trying to lead him around.  He finds a door.  And a bloody knife.  And a burned box of matches.  And an old receipt for gasoline.  He also finds he is sick and tired of hearing the spirits' voices.  The spirits try to get McShane to find a corner in a round room.  Playing the hot/cold game only leads to disaster when the spirits of those who died in a gruesome Bic Pen factory fire in the early 1800s get to, "You're burning up!"

Rajiv orders concrete via phone (because the internet is down all over town) to make a new floor for his coffee shop (and, therefore, cement Magnus, Rajiv's wife and child into the basement.)  The mailman arrives to deliver an insurance letter and is disappointed to not be able to get Dr Pibb (because of the "problem" with Rajiv's basement storage.)

Meanwhile in Lowertown, the now named Doreen calls to her sister, Lurleen, and enlists her to help get into Solomon's River General Hospital.  While they're away, they want their father to be safe in the women-ruled Lowertown, so they devise a plan to throw his favorite thing, Swiss cheese, into a closet, and lock him in while they're gone.  He falls for it and is left, wearing a dress, locked in a closet, nibbling on cheese.

In Solomon's River General Hospital proper, Dr. Scarlett works on the panel that controlled H.A.L., but Doris is worried that she hasn't heard from H.A.L. in some time.  Dr. Scarlett tries to get her to take off her tin foil helmet and convince her that he has purged H.A.L. from the system.  Doris becomes suspicious, and pokes the doctor... her hand passes through him!  It is H.A.L.!

• Has Princess Lakshmi finally found the right Velvet Elvis Museum?
• Has McShane actually found clues to the Bic Pen factory fire, or are these different clues?
• Will Rajiv really cement three living people into his basement?
• Will Doreen and Lurleen succeed at the hospital, and will their father stay put?
• Is Dr. Scarlett helping Doris, or H.A.L.?  How many times can Doris be fooled by a hologram?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!