Episode 69

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi have been thoroughly enjoying the quiet of the mansion while Magnus is busy elsewhere, and they revel in the new purchases the princess has brought back from Solomon's River Galleria Mall, reminding Rajiv that she is, truly, a wealthy princess.  She invites him back to India with her, but Rajiv mysteriously indicates there is a "shameful" reason he can never return...  The princess is bothered, but says nothing.

Meanwhile, in the empty hospital, Mousy Librarian's cryogenic stasis has failed, and she awakens as she melts.  Finding herself without Jervis, and shivering in a hospital gown with a weak, but repaired, leg, she leaves to go home.

Dr. Stevens of the U.S. Geological Survey finally gets through to the police department via telephone to report the body of a Caucasian woman wearing a sweater, dead, down by the river.  Doris takes the information but is distracted as the detectives have all gone into hiding and she is now working a second job as H.A.L.'s minion/secretary.  H.A.L. recognizes Dr. Stevens as his old nemesis and believes he knows the deceased woman.  H.A.L. orders Doris to dissolve the body in a vat of acid.  She does so for another half mil. in her checking account.

A student geologist from the University of North Dakota, hitchhiking into Solomon's River, is met by Dr. Stevens, on his way back to the survey he was conducting down by the river.  The student decides following this randomly-encountered geologist would be good, and does so.

On a quite populated deserted island, Dr. Scarlett awakes back in Dr. Turquoise's research lab after he and Nurse saw Dr. Turquoise pursued by angry natives.  Nurse thought that Dr. Turquoise's pontoon boat-plane would be their ticket out, what with Dr. Scarlett still not quite up to snuff.  They must be careful, however, as Dr. Turquoise's insane mother has loosed all the mutants...

A man working at the Solomon's River International Airport goes to lunch.

• What is the "shameful" reason Rajiv cannot return to India?
• Will Jervis realize Mousy Librarian is free before he does any more of H.A.L.'s dirty work?
• How will Doris manage to drag a body into a vat of acid without anyone noticing?
• Will Dr. Stevens regret taking on a woefully unprepared geological assistant?
• Will Dr. Scarlett and Nurse escape the mutants and finally fly off the deserted island?
• What did that guy have for lunch?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 68

Geologist Dr. Stevens, from the US Geological Survey, is making field notes down by the rocky shores of Solomon's River where he discovers the body of a woman.  Caucasian.  Wearing a sweater.  Magnus wanders by.  Dr. Stevens leaves to report to the police.

H.A.L. has upgraded Solomon's River General Hospital's defenses causing Jervis the Janitor to be screened by multiple layers of advanced technology before allowing him access.  Jervis must complete one more task before H.A.L. will even consider cryogenically freezing him with his girlfriend, Mousy Librarian: bring Magnus Aversson.

Schmitty, an unlucky maniac with poor timing, has been targeting places of local import with the outdated tactic of mailing anthrax letters.  Unfortunately, both the library and Rajiv's Coffee House have blown up before his letters arrived and his terror has gone unnoticed.  His next victim, Mayor Joe Bob Solomon, will have his anthrax-laced letter delivered personally.

Rajiv is too chafed to continue to make sweet, sweet love to Princess Lakshmi, so he sends her to the Solomon's River Galleria Mall.

Despite knowing the library has been blown up, Jervis goes there to find a book about electromagnetic pulses, hoping to destroy H.A.L.  Geologist Dr. Stevens, trying to get directions to the police department, is roped into helping Jervis find out about an atom bomb despite the clear suggestion that an old-fashioned "blue chip" put into any computer would do the trick.

Doris, the police department secretary, is visited by the holographic megalomaniac H.A.L..  She recognizes him as the repair guy who rewired the police computer room and she realizes he now has control of all of Solomon's River.  Doris is won over when H.A.L. deposits half a million dollars in her bank account.  She becomes his minion/secretary.

• Will Dr. Stevens finally get to report the dead body?
• Will Jervis ever become cryogenically frozen, or will he figure out how to take down H.A.L.?
• Has H.A.L. become too big to fail?
• How will Doris balance having two jobs?
• How well does "chutney lube" work, anyway?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 67

Anonymous Source is bargaining on the phone with someone about the police brutality video.  The Someone agrees to give him money, and Anonymous posts the video to YouTube.  Next, Anonymous alerts The Solomon's River Times-Picayune.

It so happens that Police Chief Bustybottoms is at the newspaper's offices when the tip comes in and Frankie, the crack news reporter on duty, watches with the Chief, taking notes on his reaction.  Another reporter scoops, unbelievably, that Vladamir Putin has grown a penis on his chin.  Connie, who has apparently been following the Chief around, but is not a reporter, scoops the recent purchase of 40 police voodoo dolls and wants the Chief's reaction.  Frankie decides to go with the police brutality story and a photographer snaps a few of the horrified Chief before the Chief is whisked away by Connie.

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi, after their steamy shower together, must now deal with their relationship.  Rajiv decides he will cut her free, whatever the consequences.  Despite the moment being interrupted over and over, it is still tender.  Lakshmi's first instinct is to run, but she cannot.  She decides to stay with him of her own free will.  They leave to try a different kind of rope play.

Anonymous Source is on the phone again and agrees to some sort of swap.  A woman shows up with money and changes it for "stuff."  She leaves.

Janice White, now "Janice Indigo," is sent by Detective Smith to investigate the police voodoo doll insanity at Zambulu's Voodoo Shoppe.  At Zambulu's, Janice grills the proprietor mildly.  Magnus Aversson enters after Janice leaves and reveals that he has misused the police voodoo dolls and nothing happened.  A Voodoo Priestess conducting a new incantation finds very bad Gris-Gris: there is terrible foreboding for Magnus.  Zambulu himself enters a trance to speak with the voice of Magnus' long-dead, disapproving father, "Act your age for chrissake and keep your pants on!"  Jerome Tallendar, now "Vladamir Putin," enters, hoping for help to remove the "Tugga penis" from his chin.  Zambulu gives him a poultice to move the penis from his chin.

• Who is this Anonymous Source?  Who keeps giving him money and why?  Does he, or the police, realize the case of money left in Clancy's dumpster has already been found and spent by a teenage pizza shop employee?
• Do enough people read The Solomon's River Times Picayune for the story of police brutality to cause a stir?
• What's the next step in the relationship between Rajiv and the Princess?  What if his wife comes back?
• Magnus has left loose a whole pile of unused police voodoo dolls.  Anybody going to take the bait?
• How will the voice of Magnus' crabby father from beyond the grave change him?
• Did anyone notice that while Zambulu promised Jerome the penis on his chin would move, he didn't promise where?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 66

Zambulu's Voodoo Shoppe, for all your white and black magic needs, is bustling with business.  Jerome Tallendar's defense attorney is looking for white magic to change Jerome's soul, and Zambulu supplies a modified Barbie voodoo doll as well as a white magic "tugga" (tiger) penis and a black magic tiger penis.  She purchases all three.  Magnus Aversson wanders in and buys 40 police voodoo dolls, with knife, to get the fuzz off his tail.

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi, now hiding out in Magnus' lavish mansion, realize that they stink and should have a shower.  Rajiv refuses to untie their arms, so she tries to carefully shower without him watching.  She gets all soapy and hot, and then they get all soapy and hot.  They are interrupted by Magnus, who is having trouble carrying a case of voodoo dolls.

The defense attorney is back in her lonely single-woman apartment and prepares her voodoo to get Jerome back and make him prettier again.  She has, unfortunately, mixed up the tiger penises and isn't sure which is the uplifting and which is the "wah, wah, waaaaaahhhhh" <--sound like a game show loser.  She guesses.

Meanwhile, in a Denny's, Jerome Tallendar (now Vladamir) feels something strange... a penis growing out of his chin?!?  A waitress delivers his Grand Slam with a horrified scream!

• When will people learn that playing with voodoo is dangerous?
• Magnus has certainly not learned, so what will he do with 40 police voodoo dolls?
• Has Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi's relationship turned a soapy corner?
• What has happened to Jerome's already horribly deformed face?
• Will his server get a decent tip?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 65

Dr. Scarlett is in a "recovery hut" after natives repaired his heart with an Iron Man-style reactor through his back--not as "cool," but much less invasive.  The natives outside are agitated, armed with surprisingly advanced bamboo weapons, and are chasing someone over the ridge: Dr. Turquoise is on the run.  Despite his need for rest, Dr. Scarlett and Nurse take the opportunity to leave.

A pervert accesses "XXX.com" for a $9.95/min. live chat.  Another pervert wants the chance, too, but gets an even less appealing girl.  Both at-home perverts log off, disappointed.

Rajiv, still tied to Princess Lakshmi, returns to the coffee shop to polish his counter and look glum.  The mobster who ordered the hit arrives to gloat and threaten to reveal the obvious: they were not born in the U.S.!  They take the opportunity to spray cleaner in the mobster's face and leave.

Magnus does a soft shoe dance on the rubble and must shuffle off when he's recognized at a distance.

Joe Stevens, from the Health Department, is counting his bribe loot at home.  His spouse clearly knows what Joe's been up to and doesn't seem to mind, but Joe clearly wants to keep it a secret.  Joe also is in grave denial of his "wife's" gender.

Peter the Pimp needs $3,000 to open his brothel.  The wandering mobster lends Pete the money at 50% interest.  The mobster's daughter enters, hoping to audition for the role of prostitute.  The mobster doesn't mind she's a whore as long as she's paid as an assistant manager.  She promises to bring her friends.  Deals are made.

Meanwhile, in the Solomon's River's Best Buy, the teenager from Clancy's Pizzeria with the dumpster money is on a shopping spree!  The sales associate shows him the 600" television, and he pays with cash.

• Why are the natives restless and what will happen to Dr. Turquoise?
• Will Dr. Scarlett's new heart reactor change the way he makes popcorn?
• Can Rajiv rebuild his coffee shop if the mobster is still out to ruin him?
• How can a shuffling old man manage to elude capture for so long?
• When will Joe admit that his beautiful bride is a dude?  Will rat-infested restaurants eventually lead back to Joe's unscrupulous methods?
• Has Peter the Pimp gotten himself in over his head?  Will the mobster's daughter bring in or scare away business?
• When will the SRPD notice their extortion money has been stolen and spent?
• What's a poor pervert to do in Solomon's River if the chat lines keep getting crossed?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 64

Joe Stevens from the Health Department is following up on complaints about Clancy's Pizzeria (Section 257: rat hairs on counter, feces in bathroom.)  Mr. Stevens is easily placated with some cash and a slice.

Clancy's teenage assistant is late because he hit a deer.  Not wanting to look a gift deer in the mouth, Clancy plans a special on the Meat Lovers pizza.  The assistant, who suspects someone has been messing with the dumpster, is ordered to check it out.  He discovers not another baby, but rather, a case full of money!  Magnus, following the scent of cash, wanders into the alley, but the now rich teenager whacks the old guy with the case and runs away.

The empty store front next to Clancy's looks like it will have a new tenant: a brothel.  The new tenant signs the lease despite the stipulation that any renter must "definitely not be a brothel."  First and last month's rent due at opening, and the realtor promises he'll be there.

Brother Chillywang and Brother Another Brother have returned to their mountaintop retreat to find the meditation cabins all filled with rubble.  They take the disarray as a sign of Solomon's River's soul "going to pot."  Speaking of pot, Jervis the Janitor trudges up the mountain searching for them.  Under the influence of an enormous joint was was told by a voice to go to the caves and "find the cold penis" in order to stop H.A.L., the megalomaniacal computer hologram that froze Jervis' girlfriend Mousy Librarian.  Jervis realizes the Brothers were foretold in his pot-dream as the ones who will fix everything and stop the hologram.  The Brothers proceed with Jervis' "crensing."

Jerome Tallendar, rhymes with calendar, now with the surgically-enhanced hidden identity of "Vladmir Putin," contacts his former defense lawyer and they plan to meet at the library's rubble pile.  The rubble pile is crawling with ne'er-do-wells and freak-show castoffs, and the lawyer is having trouble finding Jerome.  She bravely hoists shirts, knowing Jerome can only be identified by his supernumerary nipple.  Finally, under the shirt of a walking horror, she finds it!  The egomania of "Vladmir" seems to have seeped into Jerome's now deformed bones, and she tells him that because of his horrible looks, she can no longer be his lawyer...or his lover!  He seems genuinely disappointed.

• What will happen now that a teenage boy has taken the money the police department left for an informant who was supposed tell them the whereabouts of Assistant Detective Steve?
• How will the new proprietor of a brothel manage to run an illegal brothel?
• Will the Brothers help Jervis defeat H.A.L.?
• What will become of Jerome, on the lam, deformed by surgery, dumped by his lawyer/lover and now interested in running a country and topless hunting?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 63

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi, still tied together, are now hiding in a cheap motel room run by one of Rajiv's cousins.  To their relief, Magnus offers his mansion as a hideout instead and they all leave gratefully.

A mystery informant calls the police department with possible information about Junior Detective Steve Beaverdam.  In exchange for $20,000 left in the dumpster behind Clancy's Pizzeria, the informant would call back with the location of Steve Beaverdam.  The police department hadn't really missed Steve that much yet, but this phone call now makes his delinquency suspicious.  Secretary Doris recommends the exchange because Steve might have important information about who in the department brutally beat the SRCTV cameraman.

Captain Josephs from Internal Affairs enters, sent by the mayor's office to investigate the protesting rabble outside.  Detective Seamens gleefully passes the buck to Lieutenant Daniel Bustybottoms.  Lieutenant Bustybottoms promises the protesters will be taken care of as they were going to open fire on them any moment, as per the "shoot to kill" order approved by the mayor's office itself.  The crowd chant swells before changing to screams as they are riddled with bullets.

Clancy's Pizza--the best Irish pizza in Solomon's River--is open and bustling with business.  Grandma Gooding enters, violating Clancy's ban against her, and she is quickly hustled out by Clancy and his teenage assistant.  Mayor Joe Bob Solomon enters, still unsure of himself because of the memory erasing pill lodged in his ear.  They give him his standing order--two double orders of wings with extra celery, every two hours.  A racist customer tries to order potatoes, but is berated and given instead the special: Lucky Charms pizza in a whiskey sauce.  Though clearly not Magnus Aversson, the man pays with Magnus Aversson's credit card...

• Will Magnus, Rajiv and Lakshmi find more comfortable refuge in Magnus' mansion?
• Who is the mystery informant and will the police pay to find Steve?
• What will Steve say if he is found or will Detective Seamens get to Steve first?
• Has the police department really open-fired on the crowd of protesters and how will it go over with Internal Affairs?
• Will anyone get to the dumpster behind Clancy's?
• Who's the guy using Magnus' credit card?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!