Episode 110

The last time lawyer Mr. Ylung was in to see Dr. Scarlett, he was given six months to live, but today is a “business matter”.  He brings cash from Mrs. Rajiv to get a “certain result” in the blood test—that Rajiv (and not Rojav) is the father of her new son.  Dr. Scarlett agrees to the deal and attributes Mr. Ylung’s living to his superb doctoring skills.  After Mr. Ylung leaves, Dr. Scarlett has a bit of trouble reading the writing on the instructions.

Rajiv tries to explain himself to Princess Lakshmi, but Mrs. Rajiv comes upon them and strong-arms the Princess whose arms snap like twigs.  She hobbles off to the hospital and promises to sue them.  Mrs. Rajiv lets slip that she can’t be sued because she’s not in the country legally.

Meanwhile, in a strange temple, an acolyte asks the High Priestess Evaleene what they all should do.  The High Priestess shows them how to dance and they call out, “All hail Evaleene!”  They will do whatever she says, though she doesn’t say much.  Two of the cult members discuss their experience with other cults, like Scientology.  The acolytes will go spread the word of the High Priestess Evaleene to the town of Solomon’s River.

Tripp is back with his mother Angelica.  The bar Tripp used to tend is gone, and the caves have been exploded.  Boss Carla Calvera is assumed blown up.  They are free to do what they want, but what do they want?  Tripp has been on an epic quest and feels like a phoenix.  Angelica suggests robberies… or higher-class extortion… They decide to squat in Magnus Aversson’s mansion.

Mrs. Rajiv has gotten the test results from Dr. Scarlett and she opens them at home.  The envelope unseals… Mrs. Rajiv’s face gives nothing away.

• Did Dr. Scarlett give the actual test results or the paid-for test results?
• Does paying for the test results mean that Mrs. Rajiv knows the baby is not Rajiv’s?
• Who is the High Priestess Evaleene, and what is her cult up to?
• How long will Tripp and his mother be able to squat in Magnus’ mansion, and will that be enough to satisfy their need to do bad things?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 109

The British Secret Agents have made it into the Chinese microchip factory crediting their insensitive disguises and some very helpful American Agents.  Little do they know the "American Agents" are really Chinese Agents who have directed them into a trap: a sealed metal room that is slowly filling with water.  The agents face their impending doom with a cup of chamomile tea and a stiff upper lip.

Mrs. Rajiv's shrill voice echoes once again, "Rajiv!"  Rajiv is terribly surprised to find his wife, thought long gone, back home and holding a baby.  Though it has been more than a year, Mrs. Rajiv insists the boy is Rajiv's son and is just small for his age.  Princess Lakshmi enters and much wind is sucked by both women.  Princess Lakshmi warns Mrs. Rajiv of Rajiv's evil twin (Rojav) and suggests a DNA test.  The baby cries just thinking he may be the child of an evil twin and Mrs. Rajiv swears she will sic her lawyer, Mr. Ylung, on Rajiv if he does not honor their marriage.  Princess Lakshmi insists Rajiv steal a vial of the baby's blood for a test.  As Mrs. Rajiv questions Rajiv, demanding profit from their former businesses, he drains the baby of a handful of blood*.  Mrs. Rajiv promises he has not heard the end of her interrogations.  Princess Lakshmi takes the handful of blood to the hospital for testing.

The 42nd Precinct brings two overflow hookers to Detective Smegly.  Shasta and Clitoris are not in cell 69 for long, though, as the Madam bails out her best girls for a "high roller" who has paid for two at once.  After the women leave, Detective Smegly calls Dr. Scarlett at the hospital with information about the missing nurse.  The detective knows where she is... but the line goes dead.

Meanwhile, in hotel room gaudily decorated in 1970s disco, Mr. Jimmy Smidgely approves of the two hookers: one tall and one short, well-endowed, double jointed gymnasts without digestive systems.  Left alone with the women, Mr. Smidgely seems unsure of himself, possibly because the voices in his head pull him in two directions: "Spank them!" vs. "Let the women be nice friends!"  The angry voice, however, gets louder when the hookers whisper about him.  "Two more dead hookers!" cajoles the voice.  As Jimmy is persuaded to kill, the women realize he isn't right in the head and promptly kick him in the face.  They escape, but Jimmy is angry...

• What will happen to Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv now that Mrs. Rajiv has returned?
• Is the baby Rajiv or Rojav Junior?
• Can a blood test even tell the difference between identical twins' DNA?
• What is Detective Smegly's information of the whereabouts of the missing nurse?  What caused the line to go dead?
• Who is this Jimmy Smidgely, serial killer of hookers, and can he be stopped?
• Will Shasta and Clitoris get away?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

*The baby was not actually stabbed.

Episode 108

Bob the Student Burglar presents his instructor with the gearshift to Grandma Poppy's Hoveround as proof of her demise.  The theft, however, does not count to Bob's Burglar Degree, and Bob tries to lie...which doesn't work, and Bob gets kicked out of The Burglary Institute.  Bob leaves, a complete and total failure.

Deep in the ocean, Flounder cradles the mortally wounded Split-Tail, who was whacked by the water intake personnel's mini submarine.  In a touching scene, Split-Tail says his final words: "Ahhhhhhheeeeeaaahhhhh.... Help meeee.... Avenge.... Out.... Ack."  Flounder interprets the last words as instructions to bring the new Avengers movie to the underwater world.  Split-Tail is sent off in true fish fashion: to float belly-up and be pecked apart by sea birds and run over by speedboats.

The British Secret Agents in China must go undercover as Chinese people.  They don novelty slant eye glasses, buck teeth and straw hats.  They tie their shoe laces together and shuffle out to infiltrate.  Meanwhile, the Chinese Secret Agents, who are watching, go undercover as American Secret Agents.  They don gun belts, cowboy hats, and fake straight teeth.  They round their eyes with tape and come out shooting into the air.

Bob's brother and sister heard of his failure and are extremely disappointed their drop-out brother is coming home again.  They predict their mother is going to be really mad.  Bob lies to his mother, telling her he is now Dean of The Burglary Institute.  His siblings know he's lying and force him to take them all on a tour of his office the next day as his mom needs to approve of the new office color.  Bob is painted into a corner now!

• Can Bob keep his failure a secret?
• How can Bob give his mother a tour of an office he doesn't have?
• Will Flounder be able to carry out Split-Tail's last wishes?
• What movies to fish enjoy best, anyway?
• Will the British Secret Agents fool the Chinese as Chinese?
• Will the Chinese Secret Agents fool the British Secret Agents as American Secret Agents?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 107

It turns out that Bob the Burglar is a better at mean pranks than he is at burglary.  He even killed a man, but forgot to take his money, so he gets no credits towards his degree.  Bob still needs to kill Grandma Poppy, though he'd rather "let nature take its course".

A man reported dead returns, surprising the heck out of his wife, Marion Stop, the #1 socialite in all of Solomon's River.  Stephan's body (dressed in his clothes, with his cheesy moustache and fake left arm) had been found and autopsied.  Stephan believes he was set up, as he's not dead, suspecting that the coroner must be in on it, too.  Marion always believed Magnus Aversson, Stephan's nemesis, had something to do with it.  The couple will let the whole world know that Stephan is alive and they will take back Solomon's River.  They laugh evilly.

The British Secret Service agents have arrived in China, sent there on a tip found in a fortune cookie, looking for Magnus Aversson's microchip factory.  They go to their Microtel to secure their special luggage and prepare.  Nearby, two Chinese agents, Ling Po and Po Ling, spy through binoculars at the British agents, reveling that their plan is in motion to "get back" at the agents for "the whole Hong Kong thing".  They order American takeout and wait.

• Will Bob the Burglar ever burgle properly so he can get his degree?
• How will Bob get the chance to kill Grandma Poppy if she's gone into deep hiding?
• Who is the mysterious Stephan and what will he and his wife Marion do to "take back" Solomon's River from Magnus Aversson?
• Why are two Chinese agents setting up two British agents and what will happen to them?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 106

Rajiv is in his coffee shop, forgetting something, while Detective Smegley continues his investigation of the missing Nurse.  Rajiv gives him an ice-free Diet Pepsi, and no other help.  Detective Smegley leaves his card.

Meanwhile, in the Solomon's River International Airport, Princess Lakshmi is once again trying to leave the forgetful Rajiv.  Two girls, heading to spring break, commiserate and try to inspire the Princess to go after Rajiv more aggressively.  They are miffed that the Princess and Rajiv don't have cell phones.  One girl, Sophia, reveals the magic of the "selfie".  Princess Lakshmi accidentally sends the phone owner's topless selfie to every phone number combination there is...  The Princess hightails it.

Detective Smegley updates Dr. Scarlett, informing him that the investigation has lead to the area of Rajiv's Coffee House and the rebuilt library, but no further.  Dr. Scarlett suspiciously does something to the computer and then suspiciously disappears in a very holographic (a.k.a. H.A.L.-like) way.

Meanwhile again, Sophia's friends find that her topless selfie is trending.  The jealous friend sends "everybody" the booby pic.

Far too late, Rajiv's memory is jostled by the heart-shaped handcuffs he purchased hours and hours ago for his love encounter with Princess Lakshmi.  He hurries away.

The newly elected mayor is addressing his constituents, who are clearly disappointed in him before even officially beginning his term.  One in the crowd stands up and nominates herself as a new, new mayor.  She is instantly recognized from her topless selfie: it is Sophia, who has apparently decided against a trip to India in the spring.  The crowd cheers for "boobs" and she promises to send more selfies.  Her frienemies, however, think she is full of herself and snipe behind her back.

King of the Merpeople asks his daughter for an update on the war on humans.  Humans, it turns out, are very hard to predict.  The other mermaid princesses were last seen being chased by a strange "metal sea creature".  The King suggests it may be a submarine: a tin can with men in it.  The princess mermaid is unusually excited to think of human men underwater and is firmly instructed by her father to kill them.

• Will Rajiv be able to apologize to Princess Lakshmi for his forgetfulness?
• Will Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi get themselves cell phones?
• Is Detective Smegley any closer to finding the missing Nurse?
• What is H.A.L. up to with the police department computer?
• Is the Solomon's River political system really such a free-for-all?
• What will the old new mayor do?
• What will the new new mayor do?
• Are the water plant workers safe in their tin can?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 105

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi are enjoying their takeout dinner together in Magnus' mansion before some light fetishism.  Rajiv leaves to pick up some handcuffs from the police station while she waits.

Lieutenant Bustybottoms and Detective Schmegly are working on the hunt for "a girl" when Rajiv comes in to buy handcuffs.  He is rebuffed as "Only officers of the law get handcuffs."  Rajiv asks about becoming an officer, but is rebuffed again, forcing him to leave and search for cuffs elsewhere...

The strange proprietor of a strange junkshop lurks among the stacks of strange junk.  Rajiv enters and is told, "It is the handcuffs that choose the pervert, not the pervert who chooses the cuffs."  Magnus enters, thinking the shop is Rajiv's Coffee Shop.  The proprietor goes through several boxes of cuffs before finding the right pair: gold, heart-shaped, bedazzled with cubic zirconia, dated 1963, made for Frederick's of Hollywood.  The handcuffs, Rajiv is told, come from actual Hollywood and have been on the wrists of some of the most famous starlets.  Magnus senses danger, but Rajiv buys the cuffs anyway.  For Magnus: an odd necklace, for free.  Magnus and Rajiv are finally convinced to close their eyes so the proprietor can disappear mysteriously.  When Magnus and Rajiv open their eyes, they are in Rajiv's Coffee Shop.  Rhubarb pie is eaten.

There is an archaeological dig in Solomon's River.  Dr. Spang and her graduate assistant Sheila, while digging for plesiosaurs, are surprised to find a human skeleton in a strata which shouldn't have had humans.  Dr. Spang goes for the camera while Sheila finishes the fine digging using her toothbrush.  The GA has found "some sort of silver, black-looking rock thing."  Dr. Spang sees it is actually worked metal with the black tarnish removed by toothpaste remnants.  Jimbo, another graduate assistant, casually remarks, "Wow, petragulite!  From the Corathian Area.  Right after the Dionecian."  They are digging, however, in the Faluvian Era, which is before the Dionecian.  The Sheila reveals that she found the petragulite in the fallopian tubes of the skeleton--a skeleton which shouldn't be there at all, much less with viable fallopian tubes!  The GAs will continue to dig out the area while Dr. Spang takes the petragulite back for analysis.

• Will vintage handcuffs spark the magic between Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi again, or some other sort of magic?
• What's with Magnus' free necklace?
• Will the police department ever find "the girl"?
• What archaeological mystery has Dr. Spang and her bevvy of graduate assistants uncovered?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 104

Made desperate by hunger, Rajiv sneaks into Magnus Adversson's kitchen on Princess Lakshmi's side of the divided castle.  Baffled by the idea of Goober (peanut butter and jelly in the same jar) he doesn't hear the Princess enter until too late.  The bond over the ridiculousness of American food before remembering they should be mad at each other.  Princess Lakshmi has an ultimatum: say or do something to make it better, or I'll go back to my kingdom in India.  Rajiv offers to take her out for baklava.  The princess agrees.

Dating profile: McShane3701, password "Love".  23 messages.  Single Angela gets help from her sisters Samantha, the suave one, and Mona, the poet.  Mona dictates: "Roses are red.  Violets are blue.  I would like to meet you."  Samantha sends, along with a bikini picture of Angela.  Mona's med school experience helps her determine that the picture McShane responds with is a close-up of his bellybutton.  The date is set, and Angela makes her sisters promise to back her up on the day.

Detective Smegley holds down the fort, entering Nurse's missing person data.  Dr. Scarlett appears suddenly and demands information.  Detective Smegley has her location as "some café".  In the precinct's holding cell, Lady Wonderjam demands attention.  Detective Smegley refuses to release her until the Commissioner arrives, despite Lady Wonderjam's urgent need to help her super-brethren hold off the merpeople.  While the detective has been away from his desk, Dr. Scarlett (or is it H.A.L.?) has been on the police department's computer...  After the detective leaves Lady Wonderjam, a fellow superhero, Toledo Sam, uses a blowtorch to create a hole in the bottom of the cell.  They whoosh away.  Returning too late, Detective Smegley cries, "Holy smokes!  She's gone!" and puts out an APB on "a girl".

In a posh shop on a posh road in a posh section Solomon's River, the shop owner is startled by a posh woman, long thought to be dead: the Lady who would have become Lady Adversson!  The Lady reveals a mysterious "they" injected her with "lots of stuff", but alive she is, and looking younger than ever.  The shop owner has kept all the clothes the Lady had left for alteration, including her wedding dress.  Magnus was "sorely disappointed" to have lost his bride-to-be, but the Lady reveals that Magnus' brother was "so much more attractive".  The shop owner swoons with the gossip and the Lady requests not her old, fashionable clothes, but rather camouflage.  The shop owner promises a beautiful camo gown.

• Is baklava enough to heal the victim of multiple kidnappings?
• How will Angela's date go with a man who sends potential girlfriends close-up pictures of his belly button?
• Will poor Detective Smegley ever get help so people like H.A.L. and superheroes can't keep doing things behind his back?
• Who is the woman who would have been Magnus' wife?
• Who is Magnus' brother?
• What does this woman want with camouflage clothes?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!