Episode 73

Sadistic Olivia and her enabling friend have damaged ten of the police/Barbie voodoo dolls, breaking arms and ripping out voice boxes, etc.  Tired of their destructive play, they go for a stroll.

Frannie Mason thinks he's a better bomber than anybody else and he wants to show them, show them all!  He booby traps the "explosives room" door so it will blow when opened by Suspicious Guy, or whoever opens it next...

Doris is positively chipper, even though Officer Jingles enters without a voice, and Officers Beetlebaum and Seamens both broke their arms for no reason.  She sends Jingles home with doughnuts.  The roster has Officer Jared as one of only two still-active officers.  Officer Jared must patrol the rough and tumble Lower Town, which hasn't been patrolled in five years.  There is only one final officer on the list, and Doris doesn't recognize his name: Officer Jason, the teenager recently and ill-advisedly hired.

Cilantro wanders through her grandfather's castle, horrified by the redecorated redecorating she had painstakingly already done.  She finds a "We've Gone to Vegas to Get Hitched" note from Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi and she is determined to save her grandfather's castle from poor color schemes.

Meanwhile, in a Vegas chapel, a redheaded Elvis tries to wed Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi, but knows precious few Elvis song lyrics and cannot wed them anyways as they are without the newly-needed marriage license.  They leave to go to the courthouse but are delayed by penny slots.  They run into a man who recognizes Rajiv from Solomon's River.  He remembered some guy who stole some papers out of Rajiv's safe that would reveal some secret.  Princess Lakshmi tries to grill the man, but Rajiv is ready with a chloroformed handkerchief.

• How damaged are the police officers in Solomon's River?
• Will anyone find Olivia and stop her voodoo destruction?
• Will Suspicious Guy be blown up?
• Will Frannie find the vengeance he seeks?
• Exactly how "rough and tumble" is Lower Town?  Will Officer Jared survive?
• Will Doris ever get to meet Officer Jason?
• What's this season's new "in" color for castle throw pillows?
• Will Princess Lakshmi wake up with a tiger in her Vegas hotel room?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 72

Detective Smegly-Seamans harried, manning the police department by himself.  The Human Resources Director enters and finds out that Lieutenant Bustybottoms' ass waxing appointment explosion was on the news.  The HR director is beside himself wondering how he will fill all the empty positions.  The teenage pizza boy arrives, being sent by the Lieutenant (prior to his butt exploding) to apply for a job.  The teenager shows how indispensable he his by answering the phone, taking messages, mopping the floor and ordering pizza for the officers.

Meanwhile, Doris, the actual police department secretary, has made herself a tinfoil helmet to keep H.A.L. out of her neurons while she loads his personality matrix onto the only computer without internet access: Lieutenant Bustybottoms' old Atari 325 laptop.  Now she has H.A.L.!

Rajiv pauses the security video DVD of his sweet, sweet lovemaking to Princess Lakshmi when she enters.  Rajiv speculates that they may be able to get Magnus' castle, either through an eventual bequeathment or through a plot to further confuse the addled old man.  The Princess believes they should be married first and recommends getting her lawyers in India to send the paperwork--which would surely unearth whatever secret Rajiv is keeping--so Rajiv suggests going to a Vegas Elvis chapel instead.  They go!  After they leave, Magnus' granddaughter, Cilantro, enters and hits "play" on Rajiv's DVD... to her horror, she finds there is nowhere in her grandfather's castle that hasn't been touched by sweet, sweet Indian lovemaking.

With the Solomon's River International Airport still closed while under a security threat, Dr. Scarlett and Nurse have been rerouted to Chicago.  Not having had time to pack before they fled the "deserted" island, Dr. Scarlett instead grabbed Dr. Turquoise's already packed luggage.  They go to an Orange Julius.

Frannie Mason reveals himself in a monologue to be the Sewer Bomber.  He wants Solomon's River to "pay" him for all the "dirty work" he did for Carla Calvera.  Frannie is in a hideout where explosives have been hidden; unfortunately, he was not the one to have hidden them as Suspicious Guy (a.k.a the Library Bomber) arrives for a new load.  They are each surprised.

• How will an untrained teenage pizza boy fare as a police officer?  Will it actually give the HR Director a conniption fit?
• Has Doris really managed to trap H.A.L. onto an old laptop?
• How will Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi's Vegas wedding go?  Will she find out about Rajiv's secret in time?
• Is Cilantro scarred for life?
• What could be in Dr. Turquoise's luggage?
• Is it a good or a bad thing when two crazed explosives experts find each other?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 71

Doris is under orders to wait for delivery of a flash drive to insert in the Lieutenant's computer, execute H.A.L..exe, and throw away the flash drive.  H.A.L. uses neural pain to get Doris to do his bidding.

Chang Lee's Massage Parlor is waiting for Lieutenant Bustybottoms' ass waxing appointment at 1:00.

The adolescent employee of Clancy's Pizzeria who found a bag of money in the dumpster and spent it on electronics is surrounded by a very sophisticated, and expensive, entertainment system.  Lieutenant Bustybottoms knocks on his apartment door to address noise complaints.  The teenager, worried he'd be found out for spending found money, compliments the officer's buttocks and is instead offered a job at the police station.

Rajiv misses his cafe, and wanders through Magnus' castle polishing its many bars to make himself feel better.  Princess Lakshmi will do what she can to help, though she is still troubled by Rajiv's mysterious past.  Magnus reveals to Rajiv that he had hidden cameras installed, just in case he needed legal proof of his whereabouts.  Rajiv is excited by the news because while Magnus was away, he and Princess Lakshmi made sweet, sweet love in every room.  Rajiv requests a DVD copy.

An experienced sewer inspector brings a new sewer inspector to ostensibly inspect the sewer.  Instead, the experienced sewer inspector shoves the inexperienced inspector down the sewer pipe and then blows him up with a stick of dynamite.

Slightly further down the pipes, "Vladamir Putin," formerly Jerome Tallendar, just manages to escape notice and the explosion.  Jerome is now delusional, believing himself to be Igor, the brother of Vladamir, who needs a country, or maybe just an island, to conquer...

A little girl who found a box of Barbies dressed up like police officers goes to sadistic friend Olivia's house to blow them up with firecrackers.

It's 1:00, and Lieutenant Bustybottoms arrives at Chang Lee's Massage Parlor for his appointment.  The girls fight over who doesn't have to service him.  Jing Jieu, "Jingles", gets the short straw.  She lubes to the elbow and reams the Lieutenant .  As she walks away, Lieutenant Bustybottoms inexplicably blows up!

• Will Doris continue to do H.A.L.'s bidding now that he's using pain as a motivator?
• How will the former pizza maker do as a policeman?  Will he even get a job if Lieutenant Bustybottoms is not longer alive to be a reference?
• Can Princess Lakshmi help Rajiv, and if she finds out his secret, will she even want to?  What will Rajiv do with a DVD copy of their sweet, sweet lovemaking?
• Who is this sewer guy?
• Exactly how delusional has Jerome Tallendar become?
• There are 39 police voodoo dolls left...

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 70

Doris the secretary returns from minion errands surprised to find Detective Schmiggly-Seamens and Lieutenant Bustybottoms have, themselves, returned to duty.  H.A.L. has altered Doris' neural pathways so only she may see and hear him.  H.A.L. directs her to get the officers to leave so he may access the Lieutenant's outdated, non-Internet connected Atari 325 laptop--the only computer he does not yet control.

Dr. Stevens returns to "geologizing," though his discovery of the dead woman in a sweater still haunts him.  A local fly fisherman, suspicious of science, warns him away for being so smart and tells him to never mind another lady who came to take the dead one away.

Magnus has returned and now Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi must try to be quiet while they "eat tandoori chicken," both with and without the air quotes.

Jervis returns to the hospital with an electromagnetic pulse bomb, but H.A.L. is not around to destroy.  He tries to visit with Mousy Librarian instead, but... she's gone!  Jervis grabs the EMP bomb and leaves to find his girlfriend.

• What will H.A.L. be able to do once he has claimed the last computer in Solomon's River?
• How is Doris feeling with her neural pathways all pawed over?
• Has there ever been a dead-body-discovering geologist who could leave well enough alone?
• Will Magnus get tired of smelling Indian food while listening to Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi make sweet, sweet love?
• Where has the formerly frozen Mousy Librarian gone?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 69

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi have been thoroughly enjoying the quiet of the mansion while Magnus is busy elsewhere, and they revel in the new purchases the princess has brought back from Solomon's River Galleria Mall, reminding Rajiv that she is, truly, a wealthy princess.  She invites him back to India with her, but Rajiv mysteriously indicates there is a "shameful" reason he can never return...  The princess is bothered, but says nothing.

Meanwhile, in the empty hospital, Mousy Librarian's cryogenic stasis has failed, and she awakens as she melts.  Finding herself without Jervis, and shivering in a hospital gown with a weak, but repaired, leg, she leaves to go home.

Dr. Stevens of the U.S. Geological Survey finally gets through to the police department via telephone to report the body of a Caucasian woman wearing a sweater, dead, down by the river.  Doris takes the information but is distracted as the detectives have all gone into hiding and she is now working a second job as H.A.L.'s minion/secretary.  H.A.L. recognizes Dr. Stevens as his old nemesis and believes he knows the deceased woman.  H.A.L. orders Doris to dissolve the body in a vat of acid.  She does so for another half mil. in her checking account.

A student geologist from the University of North Dakota, hitchhiking into Solomon's River, is met by Dr. Stevens, on his way back to the survey he was conducting down by the river.  The student decides following this randomly-encountered geologist would be good, and does so.

On a quite populated deserted island, Dr. Scarlett awakes back in Dr. Turquoise's research lab after he and Nurse saw Dr. Turquoise pursued by angry natives.  Nurse thought that Dr. Turquoise's pontoon boat-plane would be their ticket out, what with Dr. Scarlett still not quite up to snuff.  They must be careful, however, as Dr. Turquoise's insane mother has loosed all the mutants...

A man working at the Solomon's River International Airport goes to lunch.

• What is the "shameful" reason Rajiv cannot return to India?
• Will Jervis realize Mousy Librarian is free before he does any more of H.A.L.'s dirty work?
• How will Doris manage to drag a body into a vat of acid without anyone noticing?
• Will Dr. Stevens regret taking on a woefully unprepared geological assistant?
• Will Dr. Scarlett and Nurse escape the mutants and finally fly off the deserted island?
• What did that guy have for lunch?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 68

Geologist Dr. Stevens, from the US Geological Survey, is making field notes down by the rocky shores of Solomon's River where he discovers the body of a woman.  Caucasian.  Wearing a sweater.  Magnus wanders by.  Dr. Stevens leaves to report to the police.

H.A.L. has upgraded Solomon's River General Hospital's defenses causing Jervis the Janitor to be screened by multiple layers of advanced technology before allowing him access.  Jervis must complete one more task before H.A.L. will even consider cryogenically freezing him with his girlfriend, Mousy Librarian: bring Magnus Aversson.

Schmitty, an unlucky maniac with poor timing, has been targeting places of local import with the outdated tactic of mailing anthrax letters.  Unfortunately, both the library and Rajiv's Coffee House have blown up before his letters arrived and his terror has gone unnoticed.  His next victim, Mayor Joe Bob Solomon, will have his anthrax-laced letter delivered personally.

Rajiv is too chafed to continue to make sweet, sweet love to Princess Lakshmi, so he sends her to the Solomon's River Galleria Mall.

Despite knowing the library has been blown up, Jervis goes there to find a book about electromagnetic pulses, hoping to destroy H.A.L.  Geologist Dr. Stevens, trying to get directions to the police department, is roped into helping Jervis find out about an atom bomb despite the clear suggestion that an old-fashioned "blue chip" put into any computer would do the trick.

Doris, the police department secretary, is visited by the holographic megalomaniac H.A.L..  She recognizes him as the repair guy who rewired the police computer room and she realizes he now has control of all of Solomon's River.  Doris is won over when H.A.L. deposits half a million dollars in her bank account.  She becomes his minion/secretary.

• Will Dr. Stevens finally get to report the dead body?
• Will Jervis ever become cryogenically frozen, or will he figure out how to take down H.A.L.?
• Has H.A.L. become too big to fail?
• How will Doris balance having two jobs?
• How well does "chutney lube" work, anyway?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 67

Anonymous Source is bargaining on the phone with someone about the police brutality video.  The Someone agrees to give him money, and Anonymous posts the video to YouTube.  Next, Anonymous alerts The Solomon's River Times-Picayune.

It so happens that Police Chief Bustybottoms is at the newspaper's offices when the tip comes in and Frankie, the crack news reporter on duty, watches with the Chief, taking notes on his reaction.  Another reporter scoops, unbelievably, that Vladamir Putin has grown a penis on his chin.  Connie, who has apparently been following the Chief around, but is not a reporter, scoops the recent purchase of 40 police voodoo dolls and wants the Chief's reaction.  Frankie decides to go with the police brutality story and a photographer snaps a few of the horrified Chief before the Chief is whisked away by Connie.

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi, after their steamy shower together, must now deal with their relationship.  Rajiv decides he will cut her free, whatever the consequences.  Despite the moment being interrupted over and over, it is still tender.  Lakshmi's first instinct is to run, but she cannot.  She decides to stay with him of her own free will.  They leave to try a different kind of rope play.

Anonymous Source is on the phone again and agrees to some sort of swap.  A woman shows up with money and changes it for "stuff."  She leaves.

Janice White, now "Janice Indigo," is sent by Detective Smith to investigate the police voodoo doll insanity at Zambulu's Voodoo Shoppe.  At Zambulu's, Janice grills the proprietor mildly.  Magnus Aversson enters after Janice leaves and reveals that he has misused the police voodoo dolls and nothing happened.  A Voodoo Priestess conducting a new incantation finds very bad Gris-Gris: there is terrible foreboding for Magnus.  Zambulu himself enters a trance to speak with the voice of Magnus' long-dead, disapproving father, "Act your age for chrissake and keep your pants on!"  Jerome Tallendar, now "Vladamir Putin," enters, hoping for help to remove the "Tugga penis" from his chin.  Zambulu gives him a poultice to move the penis from his chin.

• Who is this Anonymous Source?  Who keeps giving him money and why?  Does he, or the police, realize the case of money left in Clancy's dumpster has already been found and spent by a teenage pizza shop employee?
• Do enough people read The Solomon's River Times Picayune for the story of police brutality to cause a stir?
• What's the next step in the relationship between Rajiv and the Princess?  What if his wife comes back?
• Magnus has left loose a whole pile of unused police voodoo dolls.  Anybody going to take the bait?
• How will the voice of Magnus' crabby father from beyond the grave change him?
• Did anyone notice that while Zambulu promised Jerome the penis on his chin would move, he didn't promise where?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!