Episode 82

The women have taken over Lowertown and they mean to defend their territory.  Two girls with sharpened sticks drive off a man.

Rojav feeds Princess Lakshmi as he waits for a Justice of the Peace to marry her against her will.  The princess spits the food back at him, despite it being very good.  Princess Lakshmi is weighing her options: 1) stay with Rojav, who looks like Rajiv but cooks better, 2) wait for Rajiv to save her, or 3) try to escape.  She attempts escape by hopping away.

Mousy Librarian, having been accidentally defrosted from H.A.L.'s cryogenic chamber, went to the Solomon's River caves, hoping Jervis the former janitor would go to his old haunt (the library being blown up) and find her.  She carves a note in the wall: "Jervis, I wuz here."  An arrow points in the direction she wandered.

Jervis, meanwhile, is in the cave system, somewhere behind Mousy.  Jervis is not alone.  Suspicious Guy is still lurking in the caves, setting up explosives.  Jervis find the note and hears distant calling.  Suspicious Guy blows up his bomb...

Magnus Aversson's attempt at defusing a seemingly unrelated bomb on his toilet has failed due to an out of date memory and a book of bomb jokes.  The Roto-Rooter man returns as the bomb ticks down to three minutes...  The woman on the toilet is, understandably, getting desperate.  Magnus and the Roto-Rooter guy discuss the differences between Lethal Weapon I and II.  Finally, they figure Indiana Jones' Raiders of the Lost Ark would be a better role model for their attempts and decide to replace her weight on the pressure switch.  Magnus offers himself selflessly, but they quickly decide that the Roto-Rooter guy's toolbox would not only be closer to her weight, but also safer.  None of them, not even the bomb, remember that the timer would have blown up the bomb despite a weight swap because they're all too happy it worked.  They all ignore the man at the door.

• What will happen in an all-female Lowertown?
• Will Princess Lakshmi's escape attempt work?  Where is Rajiv, anyway?
• Has Jervis escaped injury?  Will he find Mousy Librarian?  Are the exits all blown up yet?
• Who planted the bomb on Magnus' toilet?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 81

Dr. Scarlett and Nurse find themselves the sole survivors of a plane crash while returning to Solomon's River.  Dr. Turquoise's luggage has survived, though Nurse's clothing has not.  Looking about the rubble of what had once been a building, they notice a well-polished counter top remains standing.  They go to the hospital to reconnoiter.

Tony the Bookie is harassing Joey on the phone about rigging hospital death bets and makes Joey promise to stop whacking patients.  Tony counts his money.

Magnus Aversson's poetry may no longer work to woo the formerly flattered Eustace:
Dear Eustace,
The folds of your vagina
Remind me of South Carolina: disgusting.
The end.

Dear Eustace,
Your name sound likes justice
There is a knock at the door...

Magnus' poetic musings are interrupted by a knock at the door.  The Roto-Rooter Man has arrived and has an extended and convoluted conversation with Magnus.  The Roto-Rooter Man insists that he was called from this address.  Menawhile, in Magnus Aversson's bathroom, there is a panicked woman on the toilet.  The toilet has a timer, a pressure-release seat, and an endorsement from Danny Glover.  She confirms her call for a plumber with Roto-Rooter and waits...

Magnus drives the Roto-Rooter man away, and tends to the toilet himself, finding the woman and the toilet bomb.  The woman reveals she has been breaking into Magnus' for years without notice, just to use his fancy toilet.  There are 10 minutes left on the timer...

• How will hospital staff react to the return of Dr. Scarlett and Nurse?  Will patients fare any better?
• What's up with Tony and Joey?  Who owes who money and why?
• Will Eustace still be impressed by Magnus' anonymous poetry?
• How does somebody break into a house and use a toilet every day for years without notice?
• Will the woman on the toilet be blown to pantsless bits by a bomb clearly intended for Magnus?  Will Magnus be blown up with her?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 80

Tony the Bookie is trying to collect Superbowl bets by phone.  One of Tony's lackeys introduces his boss to a new line of betting: who will die first at Solomon's River General Hospital's ICU?  Tony worries about another of his men, Joey, "going rogue" and actually conspiring to rig deaths at the hospital.  Tony leaves to investigate who has been compromising the health of a new patient, a bar owner who had been stabbed by a broken bottle.

McShane is feeling better, though irritated by the Sabres.  Tommy and Sally come to make him feel better and ask forgiveness (one of the twelve steps in their court-ordered recovery program.)  They accidentally fold him into a Craftmatic hospital bed sandwich.

Reporter Shirley Shirley is on the scene in Lowertown investigating a rash of assaults.  He interviews Geneva, representative of Lowertown, who announces that Lowertown is now for women only.  The women realized that all their problems stemmed from men, so they kicked them out.  Any man who enters will be assaulted--like the police officer, like the student burglar, and like reporter Shirley Shirley himself, who gets punched in the nuts off-camera.

Dr. Scarlett and Nurse are finally on a plane from Chicago heading back to Solomon's River.  Suddenly, a fuel leak!  The leak worsens with a whooshing sound, much like that of a flushing toilet, and their pilot is seen abandoning the plane.  Nurse grabs Dr. Turquoise's luggage to hold on to just as a honking explosion is heard.  Their plane is going down!

• What will happen to Sally and Tommy now that Tony the Bookie thinks McShane's turns for the worse are part of a bet-rigging operation?
• How's McShane doing, sandwiched in that folded bed?
• Is life in Lowertown improving now that all the men are gone?  How long will the women last?
• Though they survived a boat sinking, will Dr. Scarlett and Nurse be able to survive a plane crashing?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 79

Bob visits his Burglary Coach to exaggerate his Lowertown accomplishments and tries to prove his burglary skills with a haul of flower petals.  Coach is suspicious of Bob's bravado and assigns him to go back to Lowertown to stand up to the girls who intimidated him.  Bob is too frightened and Coach kicks him out of school until he can get himself a backbone.

After an extended nap, Magnus Aversson wakes to find himself alone in his castle.  He takes the opportunity to compose some poetry:
     Dear Eustace,
     The flavor of your bunion
     Matches the smell of my onion

Princess Lakshmi, in the clutches of Rojav, Rajiv's evil twin brother, has been bound to a chair in the Elvis Velvet Painting Museum somewhere in Vegas.  Rojav reveals his plans to deport his brother back to India and keep the princess for himself.  Princess Lakshmi exudes confidence in Rajiv's imminent rescue.  Rojav drugs the princess so he can think.

Meanwhile, in a nursing home, a drooly old woman begs a nurse for her mail, and there is a letter.  The old woman has been getting a poem a week from a Secret Admirer, and she has fallen in love.  The old woman, Eustace, promises she will break out of the home to find her love.  The nurse easily thwarts her.

Sally and Tommy visit McShane, and Tommy helps by pulling out the IV line.  The nurse rescues McShane... again.  Sally and Tommy have been ordered by the court to attend a 12-step program so they leave for a drink.  Magnus visits McShane, berates him for being Irish, and takes his applesauce.  Dr. Mi assists in relieving McShane of his applesauce and orders a bloodletting.

• Will Bob the failed burglar find his spine?
• Will Magnus remember what he's been up to?
• What will happen to Princess Lakshmi, trapped in the middle of a brotherly blood feud?
• Will drooly Eustace find her Secret Admirer?
• Can McShane be allowed to fully recover?
• How will Tommy and Sally do in a 12-step program?
• Who is this overworked nurse?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 78

Sally and Tommy are distraught because McShane is in Intensive Care after their accidental stabbing of him.  A nurse lets them visit and they give him flowers and not much comfort.  Sally and Tommy are still jonesing for alcohol so they leave to ransack doctors' desks.

Bob, the un-successful burglar and Burglary School non-graduate, is cooling his heels in jail.  An apparent friend blows up the side of the jail to bust him out.  They leave.  A jailer, meanwhile, sips coffee in a distant office.  Bob's first order of business is to prove himself by breaking into a Lowertown house.  He finds the bedroom, occupied by a nearsighted old woman.  Bob tries to pass himself off as a grandchild, but she's not fooled for long.  The old woman pulls out her 44 and cocks it, and Bob drops to the floor in fear.  An even more nearsighted granddaughter enters, not seeing Bob on the floor.  Bob takes the opportunity to skedaddle.  The old woman suggests hunting him down.

Dr. Scarlett and Nurse finally have gotten tickets for a flight out of O'Hare back to Solomon's River.  They're still carting around Dr. Turquoise's locked luggage.

McShane wakes and needs pain medication.  The nurse starts a morphine drip, by order of Dr. Me, and leaves him alone.  Tommy and Sally return to visit and are fretting that McShane's not getting enough medicine.  Tommy squeezes the drip bag.  They leave to "help" others in the hospital.

• Has McShane begun to regret serving liquor to the developmentally disabled?  Will he survive their care?
• Will Bob ever successfully complete Burglary School?
• What will happen once Dr. Scarlett and Nurse are back in town after their "deserted" island adventures?
• What's in Dr. Turquoise's luggage?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 77

It's not a good sign when your Burglary Coach worries about you as Bob's is worried about him versus the roving Lowertown gangs.  Two 20-something-year-old girls manage to "tag" Bob with spray paint before he can scurry away, weeping.

McShane opens his pub for the day, tripping over Sally, who has apparently spent the night just so she could have another drink.  McShane catches Tommy lifting bottles from the back.  The developmentally disabled have now become alcoholics!  McShane is at a loss.  The recent positive review in the Solomon's River Picayune is bringing in gawkers, and a man enters, wanting to see the place that serves the retarded, hoping to witness something interesting.  Sally instantly falls for the "regular" guy and Tommy is jealous.  A fight is breaks out; Sally and Tommy crack open bottles and go at each other, but McShane, always a peacekeeper, steps between them... STABBED!  Sally and Tommy are so upset!  The "regular" guy invites all his friends to come watch.  Sally suggests eating the body to destroy their crime, but McShane may not actually be dead...

Bob has made it out of Lowertown and back to the School of Burglary, though without completing his task.  Bob is whiny, and Coach is unsympathetic.  Before Coach can assign Bob a new task, the place is busted by the cops!  But what Solomon's River cop has both the brains and the cajones to find the mis-addressed school?  Coach manages to get away, but Bob is taken downtown.

The kidnapped Princess Lakshmi finds herself trapped at the Elvis Velvet Painting Museum in the clutches of Rojav, Rajiv's evil genius twin!  This is the secret Rajiv has been keeping!  Rojav has a corresponding scar, insinuating they had been Siamese twins.

• Has McShane been killed or merely wounded?
• What happens if he's only wounded and Sally and Tommy start to eat him?
• Will this bar fight make McShane's even more popular?
• What will become of burglary student Bob, now arrested?
• Who is this rogue cop, and is his appearance related to Lieutenant Bustybottoms being in Las Vegas?
• Since Rojav refuses money, what does he want with Rajiv's Princess?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

"Local Pub Tends to Local Mentally Handicapped"

Wednesday, January 16, 2013
"Local Pub Tends to Local Mentally Handicapped"
By Shera Sleuth
Solomon's River Picayune

There are several locations around Solomon's River that serve the general public their beverages of choice, but one new location, literally built upon the ashes of another bar, is different.  McShane's Pub is changing the way people see the mentally handicapped.

"I work hard to make sure the handicapped of Solomon's River have a place to go where everyone knows their names," said Mick Shane, owner.  "The clientele are very... 'interesting.'  I must say, however, the job is very rewarding."

While I was interviewing the bar owner, numerous customers entered, ordering their usual drinks and having a grand old time.  Despite the shattered glass and alcohol on the floor, I give this location eight thumbs up!!!!!!!!