Episode 86

While in the basement picking up a load of Mr Pibb, the phone rings and Rajiv cannot open the trapdoor.  He is too late to answer when he finally remembers there is a basement extension, and the caller has hung up--it had been Princess Lakshmi, giving Rajiv one last chance as she hops from phone booth to phone booth on the Vegas Strip.  Unfortunately, the line doesn't call out and Rajiv is still stuck.

Somewhere in the basement of Solomon's River General Hospital, McShane finds a flashlight.  The voices of the dead speak to him from the darkness beyond the feeble beam of light, calling him to, "Go deeeeeper!" and "Learn the seeeeecrets!"

Outside the hospital, a drunk beggar receives a dime and a gob of spit before Doris, the police department secretary whose neural net is in a tug of war with H.A.L., struggles not to enter.  For a quarter, Doris enlists the drunk's help to keep her out.  The drunk is an ex-MMA fighter and beats her up a little to do as she bid.

Detective Schmedly is the only one left at the police department, the rest gone mysteriously or bullied out of their jobs by the tough women in Lowertown, speaking of whom...

Two loving Lowertown daughters have a secret: their father remains in the "Women Only" part of Solomon's River.   The younger daughter, Luanne, gives him a polka dot dress she picked out herself and they beg him to live his public life as a woman or else the other women in town will kill him...or cut of his jimmies!  He puts on the dress.

Meanwhile, the Burglary Coach gives Bob the Student his orders: get down to Lowertown and "show 'dem girls what for."

The tracheotomized Grandma Poppy holds a meeting of women and promises that men, whom she blames for her cancer, will be punished!  She knows a man is coming to "show 'dem what for" and she wants them to be ready.  Grandma Poppy gives her orders to the girls who have just hidden their father in plain view: kill any man on sight.

It just so happens that their father is the first "woman" Bob the Student Burglar encounters, and the girls remind their "mom" that all men invading Lowertown must be killed.  The girls force their father to use his "mom muscles" and the episode ends with Bob in a beefy, polka-dotted neck choke.

• How will Rajiv get out of his own basement?
• What "secrets" will McShane learn somewhere in a different basement?
• Can Doris fight H.A.L., or will she be drawn into the hospital anyway?
• Can any man survive in Lowertown?  Will Bob?  Will the man in the dress?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 85

The phone rings in Rajiv's Coffee Shop, and Rajiv cannot place the voice.  Princess Lakshmi, in a Vegas phone booth, takes this as a sign of her suspicions confirmed: Rajiv left her on purpose!  She vows not to return to Solomon's River and hops away to get back into Rojav's clutches.

Detective Schmegly is busy down at the station fielding phone calls for secretary Doris and ranking Lieutenant Bustybottoms' butt.  Doris hurries in to collect some weaponry for her trip to California in search of a CalTech engineer named Johnson.  Unfortunately, H.A.L. is only slowed, not stopped, by her tin foil helmet, and he inflicts pain, a tin foil allergy, and directives to steer her from her task.  The lieutenant wants to take her to the hospital, but because H.A.L. agrees, Doris fights him.  Lieutenant Bustybottoms helps keep the tin foil on her head, and they leave...

Magnus Aversson is feeling lonely in his castle without any East Indians or ladies on bomb toilets to entertain him.  Magnus' butler Benderson delivers him some tea, shocking him mightily: Magnus swears he has never had a butler for 40 years!  Benderson persists, reminding Magnus that he suffers from Alzheimer's Disease, and trying to foist chamomile tea on him.  Magnus calls shenanigans, and Benderson buttles back to a secret room, probably off the kitchen, where he reconvenes with... a fellow British spy!  She is miffed that the butler ploy didn't work and sends Benderson back to MI to report.  She will try another method because they must "get" Magnus Aversson!

The maze-like Solomon's River General Hospital still has McShane trapped.  He wanders into the sub-basement, and finds a creepy midget.  The midget tells him that the hospital was built on the charred ruins of a factory that used child labor to make Bic pens.  The old, tragic fumes have caused some "sensitives" who come to the hospital to see and hear things.  The midget says that McShane must be "special", though McShane is unsure.  "Go deeper," says the midget, handing him two pills: one red, one blue.  McShane goes deeper into the bowels of the hospital.

"The Graveyard" is the hottest new party spot in Solomon's River: "So awesome, it's sinful!"  Sally and Tommy have found the open bar and dance poorly on the graves, happy to have a new place to boogie down and get drunk.

• Will Rajiv realize it was Princess Lakshmi who called, asking for his help?
• Will the princess really return to her kidnapper, Rajiv's evil twin Rojav?
• Can Doris fight H.A.L. enough to get to California, or will she be dragged to the hospital instead?
• Will the British Secret Service be able to use Magnus' Alzheimer's against him, and to what end?
• What will McShane find in the bowels of Solomon's River General Hospital?  Which pill will he take, and what will it do?
• Anybody else going to party down with Sally and Tommy at The Graveyard?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 84

Rajiv is feeling at home in his Coffee Shop, though it is roofless.  Magnus Aversson picks up a piece of rhubarb pie that managed to make it through the plane crash and a stint as a pub.  On her way to work, Doris, the police department secretary, stops to pick up coffee from Rajiv for the detectives and officers.  Rajiv and Magnus notice that Doris keeps repeating herself, though she doesn't seem to notice.  Doris keeps repeating herself, though she doesn't seem to notice.  She becomes upset when she blacks out for a moment, and she hurries home, wondering what's wrong.

A man prays over his dead mother's grave, letting her know that times are hard without her.  Another man prays over a guy named Hank's grave, asking for spiritual insight into the location of the garage door keys.  Yet another man is waiting for the 4:30 flash mob to begin.  The original man puts flowers on his mother's grave.  A ghostly woman passes through all of them.

Doris makes it home only to find H.A.L., whom she thought she had sealed up in Lieutenant Bustybottom's old Atari laptop, lounging in a chair.  Doris learns through creative grilling of the megalomaniacal computer hologram that there is someone who could seal up H.A.L.: an engineer from CalTech named Johnson.  H.A.L. still has control over Doris' neural net and inflicts her with pain and a bad tin foil allergy.  She fights through--anything to stop H.A.L.!

McShane is still trying to get out of Solomon's River General Hospital while avoiding Joey the Bookie.  McShane encounters dead ends and closets with people lurking in them, but not an exit.

• Will Rajiv's Coffee Shop make a comeback, or will the rain dampen spirits?
• The graveyard is a popular spot.
• Can Doris find the one man who is able to stop H.A.L., or will H.A.L. prevail?
• Can McShane make it out of the maze-like hospital?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 83

The smell of coffee and sweat permeate the church basement where Joseph takes to the podium, attesting that he is an alcoholic.  Joseph desperately wishes to stop drinking, but, unfortunately, he met Sally and Tommy in the parking lot and it's now only been four minutes since his last drink.  Tommy and Sally both attest, and Sally announces that she wants to break up with Tommy so Joseph will have her.  Tommy is upset.

Rojav brings another plate of chicken makhani to the kidnapped Princess Lakshmi, but she is gone!  Rojav follows the scuffle marks and vows to get her back.

Rajiv, meanwhile, has left Vegas and returned to Solomon's River.  He discovers the former home of Rajiv's Coffee Shop has been blown to bits yet again, though the soot-covered counter still stands.  Rajiv pines for his lost Princess, thinking she left him in Vegas to go back to India.

McShane is sick and tired of the hospital and the plague of mentally challenged that follows him.  Joey the Bookie comes to check on his high-odds horse and finds McShane getting ready to leave!  Joey takes a call for another bet on McShane never leaving the hospital and realizes McShane has left behind his back.  Joey goes to find his horse.

Dr. Scarlett and Nurse are back in his offices at Solomon's River General Hospital, and they realize something is awry.  The security system has been tripped and a test of H.A.L. reveals the emergency hologram is not working.  Dr. Scarlett and Nurse will investigate.

Bob the so-far-failed Burglary School student gets a lead pipe from his Coach with instructions to "give them girls what-for" and return with proof that he did so.  Bob can barely lift the pipe, though he dutifully goes to Lowertown.  Bob is, so far, alone.

• With Sally and Tommy in AA, will anyone in Solomon's River stay on the wagon?
• Will Rojav be able to track the escaped princess?
• Will Princess Lakshmi make it back to Solomon's River?
• Is Rajiv actually thinking of rebuilding the coffee shop?
• With lots of money riding on McShane's death, will he survive?
• H.A.L. has been trapped, but for how long, now that Dr. Scarlett and Nurse are looking for him?
• Where have all the girls gone?  Wild?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 82

The women have taken over Lowertown and they mean to defend their territory.  Two girls with sharpened sticks drive off a man.

Rojav feeds Princess Lakshmi as he waits for a Justice of the Peace to marry her against her will.  The princess spits the food back at him, despite it being very good.  Princess Lakshmi is weighing her options: 1) stay with Rojav, who looks like Rajiv but cooks better, 2) wait for Rajiv to save her, or 3) try to escape.  She attempts escape by hopping away.

Mousy Librarian, having been accidentally defrosted from H.A.L.'s cryogenic chamber, went to the Solomon's River caves, hoping Jervis the former janitor would go to his old haunt (the library being blown up) and find her.  She carves a note in the wall: "Jervis, I wuz here."  An arrow points in the direction she wandered.

Jervis, meanwhile, is in the cave system, somewhere behind Mousy.  Jervis is not alone.  Suspicious Guy is still lurking in the caves, setting up explosives.  Jervis find the note and hears distant calling.  Suspicious Guy blows up his bomb...

Magnus Aversson's attempt at defusing a seemingly unrelated bomb on his toilet has failed due to an out of date memory and a book of bomb jokes.  The Roto-Rooter man returns as the bomb ticks down to three minutes...  The woman on the toilet is, understandably, getting desperate.  Magnus and the Roto-Rooter guy discuss the differences between Lethal Weapon I and II.  Finally, they figure Indiana Jones' Raiders of the Lost Ark would be a better role model for their attempts and decide to replace her weight on the pressure switch.  Magnus offers himself selflessly, but they quickly decide that the Roto-Rooter guy's toolbox would not only be closer to her weight, but also safer.  None of them, not even the bomb, remember that the timer would have blown up the bomb despite a weight swap because they're all too happy it worked.  They all ignore the man at the door.

• What will happen in an all-female Lowertown?
• Will Princess Lakshmi's escape attempt work?  Where is Rajiv, anyway?
• Has Jervis escaped injury?  Will he find Mousy Librarian?  Are the exits all blown up yet?
• Who planted the bomb on Magnus' toilet?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 81

Dr. Scarlett and Nurse find themselves the sole survivors of a plane crash while returning to Solomon's River.  Dr. Turquoise's luggage has survived, though Nurse's clothing has not.  Looking about the rubble of what had once been a building, they notice a well-polished counter top remains standing.  They go to the hospital to reconnoiter.

Tony the Bookie is harassing Joey on the phone about rigging hospital death bets and makes Joey promise to stop whacking patients.  Tony counts his money.

Magnus Aversson's poetry may no longer work to woo the formerly flattered Eustace:
Dear Eustace,
The folds of your vagina
Remind me of South Carolina: disgusting.
The end.

Dear Eustace,
Your name sound likes justice
There is a knock at the door...

Magnus' poetic musings are interrupted by a knock at the door.  The Roto-Rooter Man has arrived and has an extended and convoluted conversation with Magnus.  The Roto-Rooter Man insists that he was called from this address.  Menawhile, in Magnus Aversson's bathroom, there is a panicked woman on the toilet.  The toilet has a timer, a pressure-release seat, and an endorsement from Danny Glover.  She confirms her call for a plumber with Roto-Rooter and waits...

Magnus drives the Roto-Rooter man away, and tends to the toilet himself, finding the woman and the toilet bomb.  The woman reveals she has been breaking into Magnus' for years without notice, just to use his fancy toilet.  There are 10 minutes left on the timer...

• How will hospital staff react to the return of Dr. Scarlett and Nurse?  Will patients fare any better?
• What's up with Tony and Joey?  Who owes who money and why?
• Will Eustace still be impressed by Magnus' anonymous poetry?
• How does somebody break into a house and use a toilet every day for years without notice?
• Will the woman on the toilet be blown to pantsless bits by a bomb clearly intended for Magnus?  Will Magnus be blown up with her?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 80

Tony the Bookie is trying to collect Superbowl bets by phone.  One of Tony's lackeys introduces his boss to a new line of betting: who will die first at Solomon's River General Hospital's ICU?  Tony worries about another of his men, Joey, "going rogue" and actually conspiring to rig deaths at the hospital.  Tony leaves to investigate who has been compromising the health of a new patient, a bar owner who had been stabbed by a broken bottle.

McShane is feeling better, though irritated by the Sabres.  Tommy and Sally come to make him feel better and ask forgiveness (one of the twelve steps in their court-ordered recovery program.)  They accidentally fold him into a Craftmatic hospital bed sandwich.

Reporter Shirley Shirley is on the scene in Lowertown investigating a rash of assaults.  He interviews Geneva, representative of Lowertown, who announces that Lowertown is now for women only.  The women realized that all their problems stemmed from men, so they kicked them out.  Any man who enters will be assaulted--like the police officer, like the student burglar, and like reporter Shirley Shirley himself, who gets punched in the nuts off-camera.

Dr. Scarlett and Nurse are finally on a plane from Chicago heading back to Solomon's River.  Suddenly, a fuel leak!  The leak worsens with a whooshing sound, much like that of a flushing toilet, and their pilot is seen abandoning the plane.  Nurse grabs Dr. Turquoise's luggage to hold on to just as a honking explosion is heard.  Their plane is going down!

• What will happen to Sally and Tommy now that Tony the Bookie thinks McShane's turns for the worse are part of a bet-rigging operation?
• How's McShane doing, sandwiched in that folded bed?
• Is life in Lowertown improving now that all the men are gone?  How long will the women last?
• Though they survived a boat sinking, will Dr. Scarlett and Nurse be able to survive a plane crashing?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!