Episode 99

This week we find the mysterious and slightly ineffectual British agents discussing their plans to audition Matlock impersonators in order to further their equally mysterious Magnus Adverson-related plans. They figure their best option would be to wander into town and check out the crowd at the local coffee house.

Across town at an unnamed Chinese restaurant, a newly-returned Cilantro finds what appears to be a "gill from a fish" in her tea. One of the owner comes over to help, trying to determine whether the gill is from tuna or not, then working to remove a newly-discovered, very long hair from the teapot. Once the owner discovers Cilantro is Magnus Adverson's granddaughter and therefore must be rich, she leaves to bring her the "personal stock tea." She later complains about the inadequate tip.

Meanwhile, in the Solomon's River water treatment plant, two employees are working diligently to unclog the intakes of all the mermaids.  Placing the mermaids into the chopper, the workers find they are having trouble flushing them down and decide it would be prudent to call in someone from the DEC, or the HIP, or HIV, or SPCA. They become concerned when issues of whether or not mermaids are protected come up, and are worried someone might actually be reading their reports. They leave to do the only logical thing and destroy the reports.

At the local coffee house, an elderly couple is discussing various old people things when Agent 69, after several attempts, manages to subdue the old man with a tranquillizer dart. He is wheeled away to become an unwilling Matlock impersonator.  Once back at the mansion, the agents decide this one will do well and tie him up. After some accent training, they begin the work of brainwashing him. It is at this point that Cilantro shows up, sees the faux Matlock, and the agents are forced to bean her on the head. Since the plan was to have Matlock kidnap one of Magnus' granddaughters, things are unfolding nicely. Placing her on his lap, they take pictures.

• Will the water treatment workers manage to destroy the reports before anyone sees them?
• Will the SPCA be concerned about the mermaids?
• Will Magnus be fooled by a coffee house Matlock?
• Will Cilantro have a nasty bump on her head?
• What kind of fish gill was it?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 98

Dr. Scarlett and Doris are still wandering around the back hallways of Solomon's River General Hospital.  Doris senses changes in the air--the feel of an electric current.  Dr. Scarlett is hungry.  Doris goes to a vending machine for a Whatchamacallit.  Nurse, under the mental control of H.A.L., enters to kill the doctor!  He thwarts her easily.  She begins to fight the influence of H.A.L., but is thrust back into "kill mode" and we leave them, her fingers closing around Dr. Scarlett's throat.

Sue, who left Grandma Poppy with a man she thought was a model talent agent but was really Burglary School student Bob, finds her friend Sally in their apartment and urges her to audition for the agent with her.  They gussy up and head back to where Sue last saw Bob.  Sally struts her stuff.  Sue tries her best.  Bob is distracted by his need to stab a naked, olive oil-doused Grandma Poppy under the light of the moon with his ceremonial knife, but the ladies persist.  Grandma Poppy, meanwhile, has escaped.

Doreen basks in the glory that is The Secret of the Hospital--it has given her amazing powers and some megalomaniacal tendencies.  Hearing those tendencies, H.A.L., the original megalomaniac, appears and they duel for control.  They sense they are fairly evenly matched, and more than a little twisted.  H.A.L. pauses their showdown to share an idea...

• Will Doris get back with a Whatchamacallit fast enough to save Dr. Scarlett?
• Where did Grandma Poppy get to, and will Bob find her in time to graduate without another extension?
• Will Sue and Sally become models, or just "Facebook models"?
• What's H.A.L.'s idea and will Doreen go along?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 97

In order to trap his evil twin, Rojav, Rajiv has dug a pit at the bottom of the stairs in Rojav's secret Vegas velvet Elvis museum basement lair.  Unfortunately, Princess Lakshmi herself falls into the pit!  She is plagued by Rajiv's ignorance with a rescue rope and frustration runs so high, she decides she'd rather remain in the hole.

Burglary Coach gives Bob the Student Burglar his final instructions to "get" Grandma Poppy that very night.  Strip her naked, douse her with virgin olive oil, rub her all over, and stab her with a sacred dagger under the full moon.

Grandma Poppy is addressing her remaining woman, Sue, who is not prime revolutionary material.  Grandma Poppy wants Sue to help her stop Lurleen, who learned the Secret of the Hospital and is reveling in her powers...somewhere, but before they get very far, Bob arrives.  Grandma Poppy demands Sue kill the man with fire, but Sue has trouble keeping a match lit.  Bob tries to trick Grandma Poppy into becoming a nude model, but only Sue falls for "The Man's narrative".  Fed up with Grandma Poppy's unwillingness to let her be a model, Sue leaves.  Bob tries to lube Grandma Poppy up with schnapps while Grandma Poppy searches for her gun...

Meanwhile, in Solomon's River General Hospital, Nurse, programmed by megalomaniacal hologram H.A.L., still looks to kill Dr. Scarlett.

The two British secret agents are miffed over Magnus Aversson's ability to slip out of their surveillance net.  They are still flummoxed over how to get the tracking microchip on, or in, him.  They decide to get at Magnus another way: kidnap someone he loves.  The agents decide to kidnap... Andy Griffith.  But he's dead.  They decide instead to get a Matlock impersonator.

A pair of Mormon missionaries, Josiah and Jedediah, are fed up with the residents of Solomon's River and Josiah is losing his faith.  Jedediah promises the next house looks so normal, the people inside must be terrific!  An old man answers the door and gets his wife to speak to them.  The woman, Mrs. Jack Kevorkian, actually invites them in.  The Mormons hear the distant voice of a man calling for help.  Mrs. Kevorkian tries to talk the Mormons into suicidal depression.

• What will Rojav and Rajiv do now that Princess Lakshmi is trapped in a hole?
• Will Grandma Poppy get oiled up by Bob, or will Bob get "greased" by Grandma Poppy?
• What's H.A.L. up to?
• Will the Matlock impersonator be enough to trick Magnus into revealing his secrets to British Intelligence?
• Will Josiah and Jedediah's magical underwear save them from the Kevorkians?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 96

Rojav has returned from shopping for unstable chemicals and Princess Lakshmi greets him in the Elvis Museum, before he can get down to his secret lair.  He is suspicious, but she manages to take the chemicals for him while he waits upstairs.  She brings the chemicals down to Rajiv, who must make a trap for his evil twin Rojav for when they return from a night out at the Bellagio.

Bob the Student Burglar returns to his mentor at the School of Burglary who gives him instructions.  If he completes this last task, he may be allowed to graduate!  Since Grandma Poppy has been riling up the ladies and making burglary difficult, Bob must find her during the full moon, strip her naked, douse her with extra virgin olive oil, rub his body against her and plunge a rather large Sacred Dagger "right between her boobs."

Meanwhile, somewhere else...

Magnus is wandering his castle after a long nap on the toilet ("Rip van Tinkle.")  Butler Benderson, the British secret agent, is still trying to penetrate Magnus' defenses and install a microchip allowing Magnus to be tracked.  Benderson's co-spy, via earpiece, has him tell Magnus that he's been hired by granddaughter Cilantro and will now make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  The agent makes the sandwich with the microchip in the peanut butter, but takes too long and Magnus isn't hungry for it anymore.  Benderson fishes out the chip and Magnus sees it, recognizing the Chinese make.  Magnus casually mentions he used to run three big factories that made microchips: one in China, one in Arizona and one more in the US, but it was secret.  The secret factory is the one the agents want to know about, so Benderson attempts to find out more.  The Agent must abort the attempt at close questioning when it gives Magnus a Viagra-supported erection.

• Will Rajiv set up a trap for his evil twin Rojav, and will it work?
• Will Bob be able to fulfill the most difficult instructions yet, when he was unable to fulfill the simple ones?
• Will the British Secret Agents find out what they need to know from Magnus?
• What is the secret of the secret microchip factory?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 95

Grandma Poppy has abandoned her drained motorized mobility device and is now dragging her ruined body through Solomon's River, looking for the other women of Lowertown.  Doreen, once her go-to girl, appears, bragging about the power of The Secret to Grandma Poppy.  The spirits under the hospital have infused her with the gift of healing and goodness, but she has decided for evil.  Grandma Poppy implores Doreen to use the power to help women just before Doreen leaves, eyes glinting.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the hospital, Doris and Dr. Scarlett are tied back to back, having escaped the slow-witted hologram guard, created by genius hologram H.A.L.  Doris hoists Dr. Scarlett onto her back and they crawl into some sort of access tube, hoping to escape to the cafeteria.

Frannie Mason has finally made it back to his fishin' spot.  Unfortunately, Mermaids have long memories, and the one Frannie caught, along with her merman, manage to pull Frannie underwater and drag him away...

In another part of the hospital, Nurse follows the footprints of Dr. Scarlett and Doris into the access tube while still struggling to remember H.A.L.'s exact instructions.  H.A.L. waits.

McShane has a clandestine meeting with Detective Schmegly and they have a fascinating conversation.  They both reveal they know about The Secret, but must keep quiet, being Secret agents.

• What will Doreen do with unlimited power for evil?
• What will Grandma Poppy do now that her revolution has gotten away from her?
• Will Doris and Dr. Scarlett find the cafeteria before Nurse finds them?
• How will Frannie Mason fare in the Mermaid Kingdom?
• What are McShane and Detective Schmegly up to?  Is it a coincidence that they sound so much alike, or does it mean something...

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 94

Rajiv has made it to Vegas, to the Velvet Elvis Museum, and into the basement/evil lair where he finds a poorly devised laboratory and no sign of Princess Lakshmi, yet...

McShane has (mostly) escaped the haunting voices of Solomon River General Hospital's sub-basements and returns to his life before being stabbed with a broken bottle during a mentally deficient couple's fight: McShane's Bar.  Though he sees it has been converted back into Rajiv's Coffee House, he still crawls in through a window and considers stealing old rhubarb pie.  The lingering voices drive him away.

Grandma Poppy's battery-drained chair is in danger of being clipped by a vehicle.  She wonders where her women are, particularly Doreen.  Grandma Poppy's anger against men is fueled by unwanted, and quite smug, Boy Scout assistance.

At the police station, Detective Smegly promises to help a woman complaining about Lowertown, despite the fact all other officers disappeared while investigating.  He writes a note that inexplicably reads, "Must stop Grandma Poppy before she finds the Secret."

Princess Lakshmi bustles into the evil lair's laboratory, having been tidying up, and runs into who she believes is Rojav.  By his lack of gifts, missing promise ring, bulging eyes, different outfit, and stink of coffee, she slowly realizes that this is not evil twin Rojav but rather original fiancée... Rajiv!

• What will McShane do now that his business is gone and the voices are not?
• Where are the women of Lowertown?  Where is Doreen?  What will Grandma Poppy do without an electrical outlet?
• How in the world does Detective Smegly know about "the Secret"?
• What will Rajiv do now that he's found Princess Lakshmi willingly in the clutches of his twin?
• What will Rojav do if he finds Rajiv in his evil lair?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River

Episode 93

The phone rings in Rajiv's Coffee Shop, and Rajiv hears a voice he thought was long gone: his twin brother Rojav, believed dead in Bombay.  Rojav called from Las Vegas to taunt Rajiv that he will never have Princess Lakshmi again!  Rajiv grabs his bags and heads to 3494 Las Vegas Strip, Velvet Elvis Classic Museum, Basement, Evil Lair.

Grandma Poppy's Hoveround hadn't been charged, so the only lackey available had to push it uphill.  Unfortunately, the lackey was too weak, and the chair rolled back over her, leaving Grandma Poppy alone in Solomon's River proper.  Suddenly, Grandma Poppy realizes her predicament: she has no other women with her, she's a wanted terrorist, and she's strapped to an uncharged personal mobility vehicle behind enemy lines.

H.A.L. tests his new powers over Nurse and finds she follows directions quite literally and seems limited in the number of steps any task may take.  His instructions: find Dr. Scarlett, bring him to H.A.L. so H.A.L. may kill him, but don't tell him about the killing part.

Released from all local and Federal authorities, Frannie Mason isn't giving up on fishing.  He quickly gets a catch: an angry merman whose girlfriend almost died when Frannie caught her.  Not wanting to be berated by a fish, Frannie throws him back.

Doris awakes, tied back to back with Dr. Scarlett who is finally realizing the damage a "mere hologram" can do.  A "jail cell guardian" arrives, and it becomes clear that H.A.L. has been attempting to create holographic life!  So far, it's rudimentary and the graphics are poor, but it brings them a tray of German food.  They eat and plot.

The voices taunt McShane, still wandering the maze under the hospital, about missing out on The Secret--it has already been taken!  McShane is having none of it anymore.  Discovering a ladder, he climbs to a window and leaves.

Doreen regrets losing her sister Lurleen, but basks in the new-found power of... The Secret!

• Can Rajiv rescue Princess Lakshmi from his evil twin?
• What will happen to the stranded Grandma Poppy, especially now that The Secret has been found by one of her followers?
• How does an underground cavern get a window, and what will McShane do, now that he's no longer hounded by spirit voices?
• Will Nurse follow H.A.L.'s directions?  Can Doris and Dr. Scarlett overcome their poorly programed jail cell guardian?
• Is Frannie Mason in trouble with the Merpeople?  Will avoiding water solve his problem?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!