Episode 103

Nurse, though dazed, seems free of H.A.L.'s influence.  Last she remembers, she was choking Dr. Scarlett to death (as programmed by H.A.L.)  Dr. Scarlett short-circuited his digital watch to burn out H.A.L's controlling chip in her brain... but is she talking to Dr. Scarlett?  No--it is H.A.L.!  She flees before he can implant a new microchip.

Flounder brings the shunned peace-loving Mermaid Princess to the water treatment plant's intakes in the hopes she can save Split-Tail, the shunned Merman.  In the plant above, Split-Tail is being poked by a worker, and a water analyst says the odd creature is making the water murky and throwing off the ph.  She determines the specimen should be sent to the Smithsonian for testing.  Just before they can knock out Split-Tail, the Mermaid Princess swims up and drags him away.  The workers hop in a mini-sub to follow.

Dr. Scarlett arrives at the police station to report a missing person: Nurse.  Detective Smegley takes the report.  Green Girl arrives from the Superhero Alliance, announcing firmly that she is looking for Dr. Scarlett and that he cannot avoid his Superhero Alliance obligations!  But he can, because he leaves.  Witnesses are the police station's new hire and the town drunk.

Rajiv pines on his side of the white line down the middle of Magnus Adversson's mansion.  Princess Lakshmi rejoices on her side with the kitchen.  He begs some food off her plate, and she relents.  Unfortunately, Rajiv is greedy and pushes her further and further, refusing to "Lady and the Tramp" the makhani.

Superhero Alliance Headquarters pages Green Girl for an update on the re-recruitment of Dr. Scarlett.  Status: Ran Away.  Headquarters demands Green Girl bring in every superhero still available because they need to "reactivate before the invaders arrive."  Heeding the call: Red Robin, Mommapajammas, Grey, and SSSSStutter Girl.  They cheer, "For One!  For All!  For Me!  For Us!  Super Powers!  Super Ahhhhh!"

• Will Nurse stay out of H.A.L.'s clutches?
• Is it really Dr. Scarlett searching for Nurse, or is it still H.A.L.?
• Will the Mer-Princess and Flounder escape with Split-Tail, and what will become of them in the impending war with the humans?
• Are Rajiv and Lakshmi the new David Addison and Maddie Hayes?  Does anyone remember Moonlighting?
• What invasion?  Dr. Scarlett is a superhero?  There's a Superhero Alliance?!?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 102

To begin this episode, we see the British Secret Agents off on their flight to Beijing, loaded with weaponry and briefcase in hand, ready to track down Magnus Adversson's secret microchip factory.

Burglar-in-training Bob will never get his certificate, with a minor in murder, if he doesn't kill Grandma Poppy.  His coach gives him a loaded rifle with infrared scope and sends him to The Graveyard, where the old woman has been seen recently.  This is his last chance: if Bob doesn't kill Granma Poppy, then he gets it.

Three high school girls, Cheeta, Teeta and Tequila (who love Their Gays,) go to boogie down at The Graveyard, which has a vibrant gay section.  Totally gay Steve waits with his totally hetero friend, Frankie, who is uncomfortable.  The girls arrive and compound his uncomfortableness by believing he has just come out.  Frankie bitchslaps Steve in frustration before leaving.  (Or did Bob shoot Steve from afar after Frankie left?)  The girls want to exact vengeance on Frankie (or Bob?) for hurting one of Their Gays, and Cheeta (or Teeta?) wonders if the local janitor (Jervis) could be hired for that purpose.  Tequila promises to send Jervis a message.  They do Jell-O shots.

Since everyone else has disappeared, Detective Smegly bravely tries to run the police department alone, but he's not coping well.  Finally, a qualified interviewee arrives for the secretary's job.  The interviewee tries to encourage the town drunk, who is zip tied to a chair, to turn her life around.  Detective Smegly is impressed, hires her on the spot and leaves to get coffee while his new secretary starts on the piles of paperwork.  The drunk tries fruitlessly to wheedle her way free.  Detective Smegly returns with coffee, though it's not right for the secretary and she sends him away for a latte.  The drunk tries to encourage police brutality, but the new hire stands her ground won't be fooled.

The Merpeople King calls to his four daughters: it is time to wage war against the humans.  Three daughters agree and begin to draw up a battle plan.  One daughter doesn't want war and is shunned by her family.  The peace-loving Mer-Princess swims away to talk to ol' Flounder, friend of Split-Tail (the Merman who had been sucked up into the water treatment plant.) The Mer-Princess warns of the war, and Flounder tells her of poor, dopy Split-Tail, also shunned.  Flounder pushes the reluctant Mer-Princess to his Flounder lair.

• What will the British Secret Agents find in Beijing?
• Will Bob need to change majors?
• What kind of vengeance can Cheeta, Teeta and Tequila get Jervis to exact?
• Is Detective Smegly's headstrong new secretary going to work out?
• Who will win in the Merpeople's war against humankind?
• Will Flounder get the Mer-Princess to help him save Split-Tail?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 101

British secret agents not only have tenacity, they often have buckets of luck, this time found in a Chinese fortune cookie.  In it, the "Learn Chinese" contains the information they had been trying to pry from the formidable Magnus Adversson: the coordinates to his microchip factory in China.  Chinese restaurant proprietor Mrs. Chang must be more than she appears!

In an underwater zoo, the King of the Merpeople and his daughter feel they have been infested with bugs from the exhibit, one Frannie Mason.  The Princess thinks setting the human free would be best, and they pull the drain plug.  Frannie gets washed out.

Magnus Adversson answers a knock at his mansion's door: it's Princess Lakshmi, back from Las Vegas and needing a place to stay.  He asks after his Old Vegas casino, the Broken Shillelagh (named after a deviant sexual practice, Magnus informs her, as all casinos are,) but they are interrupted when Rajiv enters from another room.  Lakshmi is angry that Magnus would let Rajiv stay after Rajiv left her in the clutches of his evil twin, Rojav.  They argue, sparks flying, finally deciding to split Magnus' mansion down the middle with a white line... of Ku Klux Klan robes, of which Magnus has lots.

Mousy Librarian enjoys the peace and quiet of the new library despite her still-mending broken leg.  A man from the Library of Congress was sent to help set it up after the old one exploded.  She slyly requests funds to hire a janitor, but the man is extremely unhelpful.  On her way out, she bumps into an unattended briefcase, but is too absorbed in her ideas for finding Jervis to notice.

Jervis wakes in Solomon's River General Hospital wondering about H.A.L. and happy he's no longer the evil hologram's slave.  He lights up a doobie.  A "Security to Level Four" announcement sends him scurrying.

• What will the British agents find in a Chinese microchip factory?
• Will Frannie Mason survive being "flushed" by Merpeople?
• How will Lakshmi and Rajiv cope in Magnus' divided mansion?
• Will Mousy find a way back to Jervis?
• Will Jervis finish his doobie?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 100!

British secret agents have loads of tenacity, and the two trying to get information on a secret microchip factory in China from Magnus Adverson are still at work, luring him by kidnapping his granddaughter, Cilantro, and an unwilling Matlock impersonator.  All they need: Magnus himself.

Later, at Mrs. Chang's Chinese Restaurant, the British agents finally find Magnus, waiting for the Number 3 with extra rice.  The agents go "undercover" as New York City detectives and present Magnus with evidence of his granddaughter's kidnapping.  They have a very difficult time and Magnus escapes out the back.

Frannie Mason believes he is safe from the mermaids and once again fishing on Solomon's River's shore; in reality, Frannie is in a cleverly constructed zoo exhibit far underwater, in the Mermaid Kingdom.  A pair of mermaid princesses ogle their highly prized human and bask in their own perfection, until "Split-Tail", the deformed merman, arrives.  The mermaids mock and shun him.  Split-Tail leaves, shamed from the shunning, catches up with his buddy, Flounder.  While he is happy to have a friend, he is the only merman to hang out with a flounder, and he misses his own kind.

Above, at the water treatment plant, they are still having trouble keeping sea life out of the water supply.  Split-Tail is sucked into an intake and gets himself captured by humans.  He swims in sad circles.

Meanwhile, across town at the Adverson mansion, the fake Matlock and Cilantro are both tied up and the British secret agents simply hope Magnus comes home.  The bell rings and Mrs. Chang brings poisoned leftovers for Magnus.  The agents pass it off on their captives, not knowing it's poison.  Magnus arrives and "Jeeves" the butler (really the British secret agent) attempts confrontation but nobody understands anybody and the poisoned food is kicked away.

The antidote to the poison is in the fortune cookies, but nobody cares because nobody ate it.  "Jeeves" attempts to just ask about the location of the Chinese microchip factory, but it no longer matters because the other agent opened a fortunate cookie... a very fortunate fortune cookie!

• Will Frannie Mason become the most popular zoo exhibit?
• Will Split-Tail escape the water treatment plant?
• What kind of fortune actually provides helpful advice?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 99

This week we find the mysterious and slightly ineffectual British agents discussing their plans to audition Matlock impersonators in order to further their equally mysterious Magnus Adverson-related plans. They figure their best option would be to wander into town and check out the crowd at the local coffee house.

Across town at an unnamed Chinese restaurant, a newly-returned Cilantro finds what appears to be a "gill from a fish" in her tea. One of the owner comes over to help, trying to determine whether the gill is from tuna or not, then working to remove a newly-discovered, very long hair from the teapot. Once the owner discovers Cilantro is Magnus Adverson's granddaughter and therefore must be rich, she leaves to bring her the "personal stock tea." She later complains about the inadequate tip.

Meanwhile, in the Solomon's River water treatment plant, two employees are working diligently to unclog the intakes of all the mermaids.  Placing the mermaids into the chopper, the workers find they are having trouble flushing them down and decide it would be prudent to call in someone from the DEC, or the HIP, or HIV, or SPCA. They become concerned when issues of whether or not mermaids are protected come up, and are worried someone might actually be reading their reports. They leave to do the only logical thing and destroy the reports.

At the local coffee house, an elderly couple is discussing various old people things when Agent 69, after several attempts, manages to subdue the old man with a tranquillizer dart. He is wheeled away to become an unwilling Matlock impersonator.  Once back at the mansion, the agents decide this one will do well and tie him up. After some accent training, they begin the work of brainwashing him. It is at this point that Cilantro shows up, sees the faux Matlock, and the agents are forced to bean her on the head. Since the plan was to have Matlock kidnap one of Magnus' granddaughters, things are unfolding nicely. Placing her on his lap, they take pictures.

• Will the water treatment workers manage to destroy the reports before anyone sees them?
• Will the SPCA be concerned about the mermaids?
• Will Magnus be fooled by a coffee house Matlock?
• Will Cilantro have a nasty bump on her head?
• What kind of fish gill was it?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 98

Dr. Scarlett and Doris are still wandering around the back hallways of Solomon's River General Hospital.  Doris senses changes in the air--the feel of an electric current.  Dr. Scarlett is hungry.  Doris goes to a vending machine for a Whatchamacallit.  Nurse, under the mental control of H.A.L., enters to kill the doctor!  He thwarts her easily.  She begins to fight the influence of H.A.L., but is thrust back into "kill mode" and we leave them, her fingers closing around Dr. Scarlett's throat.

Sue, who left Grandma Poppy with a man she thought was a model talent agent but was really Burglary School student Bob, finds her friend Sally in their apartment and urges her to audition for the agent with her.  They gussy up and head back to where Sue last saw Bob.  Sally struts her stuff.  Sue tries her best.  Bob is distracted by his need to stab a naked, olive oil-doused Grandma Poppy under the light of the moon with his ceremonial knife, but the ladies persist.  Grandma Poppy, meanwhile, has escaped.

Doreen basks in the glory that is The Secret of the Hospital--it has given her amazing powers and some megalomaniacal tendencies.  Hearing those tendencies, H.A.L., the original megalomaniac, appears and they duel for control.  They sense they are fairly evenly matched, and more than a little twisted.  H.A.L. pauses their showdown to share an idea...

• Will Doris get back with a Whatchamacallit fast enough to save Dr. Scarlett?
• Where did Grandma Poppy get to, and will Bob find her in time to graduate without another extension?
• Will Sue and Sally become models, or just "Facebook models"?
• What's H.A.L.'s idea and will Doreen go along?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 97

In order to trap his evil twin, Rojav, Rajiv has dug a pit at the bottom of the stairs in Rojav's secret Vegas velvet Elvis museum basement lair.  Unfortunately, Princess Lakshmi herself falls into the pit!  She is plagued by Rajiv's ignorance with a rescue rope and frustration runs so high, she decides she'd rather remain in the hole.

Burglary Coach gives Bob the Student Burglar his final instructions to "get" Grandma Poppy that very night.  Strip her naked, douse her with virgin olive oil, rub her all over, and stab her with a sacred dagger under the full moon.

Grandma Poppy is addressing her remaining woman, Sue, who is not prime revolutionary material.  Grandma Poppy wants Sue to help her stop Lurleen, who learned the Secret of the Hospital and is reveling in her powers...somewhere, but before they get very far, Bob arrives.  Grandma Poppy demands Sue kill the man with fire, but Sue has trouble keeping a match lit.  Bob tries to trick Grandma Poppy into becoming a nude model, but only Sue falls for "The Man's narrative".  Fed up with Grandma Poppy's unwillingness to let her be a model, Sue leaves.  Bob tries to lube Grandma Poppy up with schnapps while Grandma Poppy searches for her gun...

Meanwhile, in Solomon's River General Hospital, Nurse, programmed by megalomaniacal hologram H.A.L., still looks to kill Dr. Scarlett.

The two British secret agents are miffed over Magnus Aversson's ability to slip out of their surveillance net.  They are still flummoxed over how to get the tracking microchip on, or in, him.  They decide to get at Magnus another way: kidnap someone he loves.  The agents decide to kidnap... Andy Griffith.  But he's dead.  They decide instead to get a Matlock impersonator.

A pair of Mormon missionaries, Josiah and Jedediah, are fed up with the residents of Solomon's River and Josiah is losing his faith.  Jedediah promises the next house looks so normal, the people inside must be terrific!  An old man answers the door and gets his wife to speak to them.  The woman, Mrs. Jack Kevorkian, actually invites them in.  The Mormons hear the distant voice of a man calling for help.  Mrs. Kevorkian tries to talk the Mormons into suicidal depression.

• What will Rojav and Rajiv do now that Princess Lakshmi is trapped in a hole?
• Will Grandma Poppy get oiled up by Bob, or will Bob get "greased" by Grandma Poppy?
• What's H.A.L. up to?
• Will the Matlock impersonator be enough to trick Magnus into revealing his secrets to British Intelligence?
• Will Josiah and Jedediah's magical underwear save them from the Kevorkians?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!