Episode 66

Zambulu's Voodoo Shoppe, for all your white and black magic needs, is bustling with business.  Jerome Tallendar's defense attorney is looking for white magic to change Jerome's soul, and Zambulu supplies a modified Barbie voodoo doll as well as a white magic "tugga" (tiger) penis and a black magic tiger penis.  She purchases all three.  Magnus Aversson wanders in and buys 40 police voodoo dolls, with knife, to get the fuzz off his tail.

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi, now hiding out in Magnus' lavish mansion, realize that they stink and should have a shower.  Rajiv refuses to untie their arms, so she tries to carefully shower without him watching.  She gets all soapy and hot, and then they get all soapy and hot.  They are interrupted by Magnus, who is having trouble carrying a case of voodoo dolls.

The defense attorney is back in her lonely single-woman apartment and prepares her voodoo to get Jerome back and make him prettier again.  She has, unfortunately, mixed up the tiger penises and isn't sure which is the uplifting and which is the "wah, wah, waaaaaahhhhh" <--sound like a game show loser.  She guesses.

Meanwhile, in a Denny's, Jerome Tallendar (now Vladamir) feels something strange... a penis growing out of his chin?!?  A waitress delivers his Grand Slam with a horrified scream!

• When will people learn that playing with voodoo is dangerous?
• Magnus has certainly not learned, so what will he do with 40 police voodoo dolls?
• Has Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi's relationship turned a soapy corner?
• What has happened to Jerome's already horribly deformed face?
• Will his server get a decent tip?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 65

Dr. Scarlett is in a "recovery hut" after natives repaired his heart with an Iron Man-style reactor through his back--not as "cool," but much less invasive.  The natives outside are agitated, armed with surprisingly advanced bamboo weapons, and are chasing someone over the ridge: Dr. Turquoise is on the run.  Despite his need for rest, Dr. Scarlett and Nurse take the opportunity to leave.

A pervert accesses "XXX.com" for a $9.95/min. live chat.  Another pervert wants the chance, too, but gets an even less appealing girl.  Both at-home perverts log off, disappointed.

Rajiv, still tied to Princess Lakshmi, returns to the coffee shop to polish his counter and look glum.  The mobster who ordered the hit arrives to gloat and threaten to reveal the obvious: they were not born in the U.S.!  They take the opportunity to spray cleaner in the mobster's face and leave.

Magnus does a soft shoe dance on the rubble and must shuffle off when he's recognized at a distance.

Joe Stevens, from the Health Department, is counting his bribe loot at home.  His spouse clearly knows what Joe's been up to and doesn't seem to mind, but Joe clearly wants to keep it a secret.  Joe also is in grave denial of his "wife's" gender.

Peter the Pimp needs $3,000 to open his brothel.  The wandering mobster lends Pete the money at 50% interest.  The mobster's daughter enters, hoping to audition for the role of prostitute.  The mobster doesn't mind she's a whore as long as she's paid as an assistant manager.  She promises to bring her friends.  Deals are made.

Meanwhile, in the Solomon's River's Best Buy, the teenager from Clancy's Pizzeria with the dumpster money is on a shopping spree!  The sales associate shows him the 600" television, and he pays with cash.

• Why are the natives restless and what will happen to Dr. Turquoise?
• Will Dr. Scarlett's new heart reactor change the way he makes popcorn?
• Can Rajiv rebuild his coffee shop if the mobster is still out to ruin him?
• How can a shuffling old man manage to elude capture for so long?
• When will Joe admit that his beautiful bride is a dude?  Will rat-infested restaurants eventually lead back to Joe's unscrupulous methods?
• Has Peter the Pimp gotten himself in over his head?  Will the mobster's daughter bring in or scare away business?
• When will the SRPD notice their extortion money has been stolen and spent?
• What's a poor pervert to do in Solomon's River if the chat lines keep getting crossed?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 64

Joe Stevens from the Health Department is following up on complaints about Clancy's Pizzeria (Section 257: rat hairs on counter, feces in bathroom.)  Mr. Stevens is easily placated with some cash and a slice.

Clancy's teenage assistant is late because he hit a deer.  Not wanting to look a gift deer in the mouth, Clancy plans a special on the Meat Lovers pizza.  The assistant, who suspects someone has been messing with the dumpster, is ordered to check it out.  He discovers not another baby, but rather, a case full of money!  Magnus, following the scent of cash, wanders into the alley, but the now rich teenager whacks the old guy with the case and runs away.

The empty store front next to Clancy's looks like it will have a new tenant: a brothel.  The new tenant signs the lease despite the stipulation that any renter must "definitely not be a brothel."  First and last month's rent due at opening, and the realtor promises he'll be there.

Brother Chillywang and Brother Another Brother have returned to their mountaintop retreat to find the meditation cabins all filled with rubble.  They take the disarray as a sign of Solomon's River's soul "going to pot."  Speaking of pot, Jervis the Janitor trudges up the mountain searching for them.  Under the influence of an enormous joint was was told by a voice to go to the caves and "find the cold penis" in order to stop H.A.L., the megalomaniacal computer hologram that froze Jervis' girlfriend Mousy Librarian.  Jervis realizes the Brothers were foretold in his pot-dream as the ones who will fix everything and stop the hologram.  The Brothers proceed with Jervis' "crensing."

Jerome Tallendar, rhymes with calendar, now with the surgically-enhanced hidden identity of "Vladmir Putin," contacts his former defense lawyer and they plan to meet at the library's rubble pile.  The rubble pile is crawling with ne'er-do-wells and freak-show castoffs, and the lawyer is having trouble finding Jerome.  She bravely hoists shirts, knowing Jerome can only be identified by his supernumerary nipple.  Finally, under the shirt of a walking horror, she finds it!  The egomania of "Vladmir" seems to have seeped into Jerome's now deformed bones, and she tells him that because of his horrible looks, she can no longer be his lawyer...or his lover!  He seems genuinely disappointed.

• What will happen now that a teenage boy has taken the money the police department left for an informant who was supposed tell them the whereabouts of Assistant Detective Steve?
• How will the new proprietor of a brothel manage to run an illegal brothel?
• Will the Brothers help Jervis defeat H.A.L.?
• What will become of Jerome, on the lam, deformed by surgery, dumped by his lawyer/lover and now interested in running a country and topless hunting?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 63

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi, still tied together, are now hiding in a cheap motel room run by one of Rajiv's cousins.  To their relief, Magnus offers his mansion as a hideout instead and they all leave gratefully.

A mystery informant calls the police department with possible information about Junior Detective Steve Beaverdam.  In exchange for $20,000 left in the dumpster behind Clancy's Pizzeria, the informant would call back with the location of Steve Beaverdam.  The police department hadn't really missed Steve that much yet, but this phone call now makes his delinquency suspicious.  Secretary Doris recommends the exchange because Steve might have important information about who in the department brutally beat the SRCTV cameraman.

Captain Josephs from Internal Affairs enters, sent by the mayor's office to investigate the protesting rabble outside.  Detective Seamens gleefully passes the buck to Lieutenant Daniel Bustybottoms.  Lieutenant Bustybottoms promises the protesters will be taken care of as they were going to open fire on them any moment, as per the "shoot to kill" order approved by the mayor's office itself.  The crowd chant swells before changing to screams as they are riddled with bullets.

Clancy's Pizza--the best Irish pizza in Solomon's River--is open and bustling with business.  Grandma Gooding enters, violating Clancy's ban against her, and she is quickly hustled out by Clancy and his teenage assistant.  Mayor Joe Bob Solomon enters, still unsure of himself because of the memory erasing pill lodged in his ear.  They give him his standing order--two double orders of wings with extra celery, every two hours.  A racist customer tries to order potatoes, but is berated and given instead the special: Lucky Charms pizza in a whiskey sauce.  Though clearly not Magnus Aversson, the man pays with Magnus Aversson's credit card...

• Will Magnus, Rajiv and Lakshmi find more comfortable refuge in Magnus' mansion?
• Who is the mystery informant and will the police pay to find Steve?
• What will Steve say if he is found or will Detective Seamens get to Steve first?
• Has the police department really open-fired on the crowd of protesters and how will it go over with Internal Affairs?
• Will anyone get to the dumpster behind Clancy's?
• Who's the guy using Magnus' credit card?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 62

Solomon's River Community College students remain vigilant in their disdain for education and sudden urge to protest the police department for the brutal beating of an SRCTV cameraman.  Bridget, the coed who first spread the word about the televised beating, runs into a former fellow student and binge drinker, Kyla, who changed her name to "Janet Purple" when she married Mr. Purple, their old biology teacher.  Mr. Purple is an internet sensation, and "Janet," now in graduate studies, is trying to please her husband with her own viral video of brutality.  Bridget waves her "PORK!" sign around, but it's not enough.  The girls mistake Magnus Aversson for a police officer and lure him into hitting Bridget.  They run to upload the video.

Angry and urban, Mr. Purple arrives at the police station, looking for his wife.  Lieutenant Bustybottoms and secretary Doris take an exaggerated report, prepare for the manhunt of a woman who sounds a lot more dangerous than she is, and send Mr. Purple to the sketch artist.

Meanwhile, outside the maximum security prison recently and illegally vacated by Jerome Tallender of the three nipples, Janet Purple has gone completely insane.  Mayor Joe Bob Solomon has the misfortune to have encountered her and has a memory erasing Tic Tac thrown into his ear before he can get away.  As Joe Bob struggles with the sudden blanking of his memory, Assistant Deputy Mayor Jimmy, unaware of the Mayor's infirmity, tries futilely to discuss mayoral business.  Doris, the police department secretary, has come down to the prison to get Jimmy to sign a "shoot to kill" order for the police department.  It is revealed that Jimmy is planning on running against Joe Bob in the next election.  Doris assures him the police department is solidly supporting him and promises there is already a plot afoot to discredit Mayor Joe Bob.

• What will happen now that there is a video circulating of Magnus Aversson seemingly punching a coed?
• Exactly how crazy is "Janet Purple"?
• How long before Mayor Joe Bob's memory returns?
• Will Assistant Deputy Mayor Jimmy run a successful campaign?
• Will the secret plot of discredit the mayor succeed?
• How will a "shoot to kill" order signed by the mayor's office change police tactics?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 61

A back room plastic surgeon puts the finishing, horrific touches on Jerome Tallender, recent escapee from Solomon's River-PepsiCo Maximum Security Prison.  Jerome is unrecognizable, and has new ID under the name "Vladimir Putin."  Unfortunately, the surgeon couldn't remove Tallender's one distinguishing feature: a supernumerary nipple.

Rookie Steve and Detective Seamens are holed up in the police station which is surrounded by an angry mob ("Police department sucks!") protesting the brutal, televised police of a SRCTV cameraman by their hands.  Lieutenant Bustybottoms enters, not having seen the footage, but demanding his detectives investigate and discipline the offenders.  Rookie Steve and Detective Seamens must decide what to do...

H.A.L., the holographic doctor who has taken over the town's computer system, releases the police brutality video worldwide.

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi are still tied together and trapped in the basement storeroom.  Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi will pretend to the world that they are dead so the man who tried to kill them won't keep trying.  Magnus Aversson, who again wandered into the cafe, frees them and promises to swear they're dead.

Rookie Steve "Sam" calls the Solomon's River Travel Agency planning his escape.  He books a one-way trip to Mexico, leaving ASAP!

Mr. Hernandez surveys the damage at Rajiv's Coffee Shop but the Mob Boss needs confirmation of Rajiv's death.  Grandma Gooding wanders through the rubble, wanting her free coffee.  Mr. Hernandez is positive Rajiv is dead, but the Mob Boss remains unconvinced.  Grandma Gooding is sent to Tim Hortons.

• What will Jerome, now "Vladimir," do with his new freedom?  Will his third nipple be his downfall?
• Rookie Steve is hightailing it out of town.  Does that mean Detective Seamens will be thrown under the bus?
• What will happen now that H.A.L. has released the police brutality video worldwide?
• Can Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi stay in hiding?
• Will the Mob Boss find them?
• Will Magnus spill the beans?
• Will Tim Horton's accept Grandma Gooding's card for free coffee?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 60

Magnus Aversson, a major funder of Solomon's River Community Television (SRCTV,) has used his influence to break into late night programming for a special live announcement.  Magnus brilliantly addresses Mayor Joe Bob Solomon as if he sits in the empty chair next to the podium.  Before he is done tearing up the mayor, the cameraman must fend off the Solomon's River Police Department who is itching to arrest Magnus.  The cameraman buys Magnus time to escape, but is brutally beaten by Detective Seamens and Junior Detective Steve--on live television.

Later that morning, Princess Lakshmi, still tied to Rajiv, wonders at his lack of customers.  Mr. Hernandez enters politely, and just as politely loads and aims his bazooka.  The Princess and Rajiv just manage to drop into the basement storeroom before the place blows.

A British hunter and his friend Dingo are in some woods.  The hunter heard a rumor there was people-hunting, and he wants to hunt them, too.  Dingo feels this is too much and secretly removes the bullets.  The woods are not very thick, and it is more likely a park with many people, like Grandma Gooding and Franny Mason, strolling through.  The hunters seem to give up on the venture.

Coeds at SRCC (Solomon's River Community College) are experiencing such suffering from lack of internet that they actually watched SRCTV, witnessing the cameraman's brutal beating at the hands of police.  Four lackluster students finally realize their dreams of having something to protest.  They will make signs and Molotov cocktails and meet in front of the Po-Po Station.

Dr. Scarlett seems to be having a medical emergency from paddling so hard and Nurse diagnoses a heart problem.  Because he needs more help than she can give in the boat, they will allow themselves to be caught by the natives and use the unknown-to-the-Western-World native medicines to save Dr. Scarlett.

• Will the police remain two shuffling steps behind the surprisingly difficult-to-catch Magnus?
• What will happen to the police department now that a brutal beating has been broadcast?
• How much damage did Mr. Hernandez' bazooka do, and how will Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv get out of the basement?
• There's people hunting?
• Will Nurse get Dr. Scarlett to the natives in time to save him?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!