Angelica reports her progress towards bringing Lake Superior to Solomon's River to Big Momma, but one of the contractors says they've run into Native American troubles, preventing them from digging through burial grounds. Big Momma gets angry and instructs Angelica to fight their tire fires with... more tire fires.
Jeremy (of the indestructible beard) and huddles with his friend to gripe about how all the teachers are now incredibly attracted to his beard. Meanwhile, Claire the teacher, Chet the security guard, and Seth the chemistry teacher drool over memories of the beard--they really can't get enough! Seth points in the direction of the class-skipping Jeremy, Chet grabs his gun, and they vow to get the boy so they can touch his beard!
Princess Lakshmi pops out of Rajiv's backpack as they take a gas station egg salad and Dr. Pibb break from heading to the airport. Unfortunately, Rajiv's credit card is declined and the clerk is suspicious of Rajiv's backpack full of what appears to be a little girl who swears she is Rajiv's lover. When the clerk turns his back, they run away.
A snotty girl named Phlogiston hangs out with her friends Megan and Sylvia. Megan is really good at the phone game Yogiman Po, where you trap creatures and make them as poor as possible. A boy arrives and says the game is "so last week" and that Monopoly is the coolest game now. The boy says two of the three girls are cool enough to join him, leaving Phlogiston behind, swearing revenge.
Brother Chiliwang burns with the power of Princess Evaleene! Brother Offenshitz tries to squeeze the rock of power out of Chiliwang's nose, but it is stuck. Chiliwang hears the voice of Evaleene say, "There are too many people!" Chiliwang understands that Evaleene wants the Brothers to bring a flood upon the people of Solomon's River, killing them all! The Brothers are worried: how do you stop a deity? Brother Offenshitz knows: the only way to get rid of one deity, is to get another.
Dr. Scarlet calls together all the nurses, freshly back from their treatment after being subjected to the NurseNudistNeoNaziNarcanon-anado. Nurse, Nurse Ratched, Nurse Phlebotomy, Nurse Matriculation, Nurse Peels, Nurse Sparkle, and more gather for Dr. Scarlet's announcement: he is retiring as Chief Surgeon. Nurse is shocked, but the rest of the nurses applaud. Dr. Scarlet says his replacement, Dr. Marbles, will be arriving later, and asks the nurses to show him the ropes.
- Will Angelica's tire fires or the Native Americans' tire fires win the day?
- How will Rajiv get Lakshmi to Greece for treatment without a working credit card?
- Can Jeremy get away from the beard-obsessed teachers? How strong will his beard powers become?
- Will Monopoly really be the Next Big Thing?
- What kind of deity can stop Princess Evaleene from making the Brothers flood Solomon's River and killing everyone? Are Big Momma's plans to bring Lake Superior to Solomon's River part of the god's larger plan?
- What will Dr. Scarlet do in retirement?
- Who is the new Chief Surgeon, Dr. Marbles, and is he as young, rich, and available as the nurses are hoping?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Princess Lakshmi faces an unhappy truth when Rajiv measures her against the doorjamb: she is getting shorter, which means she is still getting younger. Estimating her age at about seven, Magnus' promise that a cure could be found within ten years is not reassuring. Princess Lakshmi figures they should travel to Geneva for a faster cure, and Rajiv zips her into a backpack to start their journey.
Brother Chiliwang and Brother Offenschitz contemplate the resurgence of evil they feel from Solomon's River far below their mountain retreat, and they pray for a vision of Princess Evaleene, who once gave them hope and a Happy Dance. She appears to them, now morphed into a rock statue, and announces she is more powerful than ever. They supplicate themselves and ask for help to battle Big Momma, whose evil plans are affecting their peace. "The answer," intones Evaleene, "is inside my nose." They check inside the statue's nose, and they find The Green Crystal of Evaleene! The Crystal, which was the source of Evaleene's power, immediately goes up Brother Chilliwang's nose. The Princess now speaks through the Brother. Offenschitz selfishly asks for money, and Princess/Brother changes him into a beetle. When he pleases her/him again, she/he will turn him back. Offenschitz clicks a little.
Meanwhile, at school, teacher Elaine Gaffney is too high to find her room and truant student Jeremy attempts to use his beard to seduce her! Possible zombie and chemistry teacher Mr. Perchenkowitz shuffles past followed closely by Chet the security guard. Elaine draws Chet's attention to Jeremy, and Chet, too, becomes fascinated by Jeremy's beard. To Jeremy's horror, Elaine, Chet, Seth Perchenkowitz, and any nearby teachers become hypnotized by the awesomeness of the premature, zombie-inoculation-induced beard.
- Will Princess Lakshmi make it to Geneva before she reverts to an embryo?
- Will Rajiv make it to Geneva with a child in his backpack?
- What will the Power of Evaleene do up the Brother Chilliwang's nose, and can she/he stop Big Momma?
- How long will Borther Offenshitz have to be a bug?
- Is Jeremy's beard power getting stronger?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv tells Princess Lakshmi that Magnus Adversson's scientists may have an age-reversal-reversal formula in as soon as ten years. She insists they return her to her actual age (improbably 27) ASAP! Lakshmi reminds Rajiv that keeping her locked in the basement was exactly what drove her away from him and accidentally into the arms of his evil twin, Rojav. Rajiv laments he still has not gotten revenge on his brother for the Las Vegas Incident.
Cool 8th grader Jeremy ditches class with his friend Miller to smoke behind the school. Jeremy shows off his indestructible beard and Miller wants one! Jeremy promises he can find the woman who gave him his Super Beard. The boys are shooed away by Chet, the put-upon Sheriff's Deputy on duty.
Deputy Chet returns to the school for a break. Teacher Claire commiserates over coffee when chemistry teacher, Seth, shuffles in, groaning ominously. Claire and Chet chalk it up to an inability to retire and they wish the kids had been smoking weed for "confiscation". They seek janitor Charlie in the school basement who might have some stink weed. Charlie grows his own and Claire buys $14 worth of "the good stuff". She sprinkles it in her coffee, shares with Chet, and they praise Charlie before they all take off for the bakery.
Following Big Momma's orders, minion Angelica negotiates with a construction contractor for a large project: bring Solomon's River to the banks of Lake Superior, or, to be more accurate, bring Lake Superior to Solomon's River by digging a 250-mile trench. Angelica shows her projected map: through a large green area, houses, a river, a reservation, Federal land, etc. In lieu of proper paperwork, Angelica uses magical Twinkle Fingers to get ten guys with a backhoe to dig day and night.
Home from middle school, Miller gets in trouble with his father who got a call from the principal. Miller's father hits him for hanging around bad kids like the bearded Jeremy. Why does he hit? Because that's the way he was raised! Miller's grandfather, Pappy, enters to berate Miller's father for raising a bad son. Pappy hits Father. Father hits Miller. Miller hits the dog and is praised by Father and Pappy. Miller sasses. Pappy hits Father for having a kid who sasses. Father hits Miller for sassing. Father forbids Miller to see Jeremy. Miller promises he'll hit Jeremy. Proud Father and Pappy give Miller the family baseball bat with nails on the end.
- Will Princess Lakshmi have to go through puberty again, or will Magnus' Geneva scientists find the cure to zombie-incoulation-super-power-age-reversal-spit?
- Are there zombies in the middle school? If so, what will happen if the security, teaching, and janitorial staff are all high?
- Can ten men dig a 250-mile long trench without being noticed?
- Will Jeremy get Brendisha Scarf to inoculate middle schoolers?
- Will Miller betray his friend, or will he betray his family?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
