Episode 155

Judge Graft visits Big Momma with Ezekiel, his first born son (from the month of June).  Graft wants to exchange the barn-raising twenty-something for a campaign boost.  Ezekiel is stoically scared, but Angelica lets him build a barn out back to calm him down.  Graft is upset that the Jewish god Gigi has been supporting his Native American opponent, and he asks for an equal donation from Big Momma of $500,000.  They give him $600,000 and he promises that any cases they need won or lost, he will help.

Princess Lakshmi changes Rajiv's adult diaper in a gap between the gun-happy robbers who seem to outnumber actual shoppers in the 7-11.  She promises that he won't have to work there much longer as, secretly, her plan to expose her fake father is nearly complete.  Lakshmi attends to the Diaper Genie as a customer enters: Magnus Adversson!  Magnus and Rajiv harass each other for a while, and Magnus laments how old and tired he is.  He needs someone to whom he can pass on his fortune, and Rajiv is more than willing; however, there is a catch: Magnus needs Rajiv to kill him!

A country bumpkin, Jeff Bob, enters Solomon's River General Hospital and finds no one except Gabby Plotpoint, the janitor.  Jeff Bob has three choices: across the street with all the good nurses, down the hill to the warehouse with Dr. Scarlett and some not-so-good nurses, or the nursing home.

Dr. Scarlett's nurses were supposed to find patients, but only managed to get one nurse maced.  The country bumpkin enters and Dr. Scarlett gets Nurse Steve to triage the man.  Jeff Bob, had been married to Steve's sister Laverne for 20 years.  He has been living in the woods the last 10 years and got an infection from lusting after "coon tang".  Nurse Steve takes blood pressure poorly and another nurse recognizes the raccoon scratches and informs Jeff Bob that in order to treat him properly for rabies (and VD?) he needs to find the actual raccoon that scratched him.  Jeff Bob says that he's been with so many raccoons, he can't possibly say which did it, so they'll have to gather ALL the raccoons.  Nurse Steve lets Jeff Bob scoop up his own pain killers (Vicodin) and leaves for a smoke.

Brother Offenshitz has grown disillusioned with Brother Chiliwang's godlike powers (given to him by Princess Eveleen in the form of a stone up the nose) and he is leaving.  Chiliwang, feeling superior, says that if he leaves, he can never return.  Offenshitz smacks Chiliwang on the back of the head, finally dislodging the stone and relieving Chiliwang of the god-powers!

• What will Big Momma do with Ezekiel and what favors will she ask for from Judge Graft?
• Will Graft now win his reelection campaign against his Native American opponent?
• How will Lakshmi expose the father imposter?
• Will Rajiv kill Magnus for an inheritance?
• Can "all the raccoons" be gathered?
• What will become of the suddenly un-endowed Chiliwang?
• Does the god-stone still have powers?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 150

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi, tied up by Tripp in Rajiv's Coffeehouse that Tripp turned into a zombie-themed bar, are finally free, and the Princess is finally back to her actual age.  Instead of making another stand, Rajiv convinces the Princess that giving up is a better option.

Judge Graft brings in Mr. Tilapia, without his wife, for an off-the-record threat that he leave Solomon's River forever, or else.  Detective Smegley enters to petition Judge Graft for more police officers, since the Mayor has banned hiring.  To help, Judge Graft brings in Mrs. Tilapia and makes her Detective Smegley's boss: the Chief of Police!

Mrs. Tilapia engages the Court Reporter to make the online announcement, and the Court Reporter passes along some Solomon's River history--Chiefs of Police don't ever last very long.  The Court Reporter also warns that now that Judge Graft has done two favors for Mrs. Tilapia, he may come to her in the future for favors, like hiding bodies or maybe...the other thing.  Mrs. Tilapia claims she's good at both.

A zombie shuffles into a laboratory, completing an experiment.  He drinks from a test tube and...he's suddenly verbal again.  "Mommy!" he cries, running from the room.

Brother Offenshitz consults Brother Chiliwang for insights from having Princess Evaleen's god-power stone up his nose.  Chiliwang sees that the Jewish Deity Gigi is strangely absent, but there is an ever greater power coming in the form of a great battle between Big Momma and the Native Americans.  The Brothers discover the stone will not come out until Chiliwang fulfills his destiny, whatever that may be.  Chiliwang must leave the mountain and consult the Native Americans to find out what they will do.  Offenshitz packs Chilliwang's runch.

FBI agents Cribbins and Maxwell visit Judge Graft looking for Mr. Tilapia, and learn he was released and told to leave Solomon's River forever.  Agent Maxwell reveals that Mr. Tilapia had been under witness protection.  Agent Maxwell trains new Agent Cribbins to question judgment.  Bailiff says he gave Mr. Tilapia a ticket to Shitheadville (shi-teed-ville) the next town over.  When the agents exit, Judge Graft instructs Bailiff to make sure they leave town.

• What will Rajiv and the Princess Lakshmi do for work?
• Can Detective Smegley work with a boss like Mrs. Tilapia, and can Mrs. Tilapia survive as Chief of Police?
• Has a zombie found a cure for zombism?  How will that affect Tripp's zombie-themed bar?
• What is Brother Chilliwang's destiny?
• Will Cribbins and Maxwell find Mr. Tilapia in Shitheadville, and why was he under witness protection?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 147

Court is in session with Judge Graft, his nosy court reporter, and his slacker bailiff, but the defendants, Native Americans, aren't coming in because they don't believe the Court holds sway over them.  Judge Graft is annoyed because the bailiff was supposed to bring in the Natives as well as the rogue deity, but the bailiff delegated to the (notoriously awful) Solomon's Police Department.  Judge Graft demands the bailiff get it done and laments hiring his cousin, Lieutenant Bustybottoms, as Chief of Police.  The judge makes his bailiff Chief of Police, jailer, as well as bailiff.  The court reporter secretly texted this change of authority to her nosy circle of connections.

Meanwhile, in a jar...  the Princess Lakshmi embryo is getting bigger.

Dr. Scarlett calls for Nurse, but remembers he fired her, and instead gets Nurse Steve.  Someone swerving to avoid a zombie got into a horrible car accident and will need operating room 12 in ten minutes.  A zombie goes to exam room 5.

Brother Chilliwang glows with the power of Princess Evaleen's stone shoved up his nose, allowing him to become a deity.  When Offenshitz tries to pick the stone out of Chilliwang's nose, Chilliwang warns the stone is needed because there's going to be a God Fight between him and Jewish Deity Gigi, but only if they can get him to turn into a Kaiju.

A girl brings her friend Sarah to the emergency room, apparently from the car vs. zombie accident, and the very zombie she swerved to avoid was hired by HR to do patient intake.  Sarah feels okay, but her friend insists she needs medical attention.  Nurse Steve mixed up the operating room and the time needed.  Sarah's friend and Doctor Scarlett (and the new patient intake worker) notice the back of her head is open and her brain is sticking out.  They poke it for fun.

• What will happen now that Judge Graft has started messing with the police department?
• Where are the Native Americans, and what happened to their bribe for Judge Graft?
• How big is Princess Lakshmi's jar?
• What has become of Solomon's River General Hospital now that there are incompetent nurses and zombies working there?
• There's gonna be a Kaiju fight!

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 140

Angelica reports her progress towards bringing Lake Superior to Solomon's River to Big Momma, but one of the contractors says they've run into Native American troubles, preventing them from digging through burial grounds.  Big Momma gets angry and instructs Angelica to fight their tire fires with... more tire fires.

Jeremy (of the indestructible beard) and huddles with his friend to gripe about how all the teachers are now incredibly attracted to his beard.  Meanwhile, Claire the teacher, Chet the security guard, and Seth the chemistry teacher drool over memories of the beard--they really can't get enough!  Seth points in the direction of the class-skipping Jeremy, Chet grabs his gun, and they vow to get the boy so they can touch his beard!

Princess Lakshmi pops out of Rajiv's backpack as they take a gas station egg salad and Dr. Pibb break from heading to the airport.  Unfortunately, Rajiv's credit card is declined and the clerk is suspicious of Rajiv's backpack full of what appears to be a little girl who swears she is Rajiv's lover.  When the clerk turns his back, they run away.

A snotty girl named Phlogiston hangs out with her friends Megan and Sylvia.  Megan is really good at the phone game Yogiman Po, where you trap creatures and make them as poor as possible.  A boy arrives and says the game is "so last week" and that Monopoly is the coolest game now.  The boy says two of the three girls are cool enough to join him, leaving Phlogiston behind, swearing revenge.

Brother Chiliwang burns with the power of Princess Evaleene!  Brother Offenshitz tries to squeeze the rock of power out of Chiliwang's nose, but it is stuck.  Chiliwang hears the voice of Evaleene say, "There are too many people!"  Chiliwang understands that Evaleene wants the Brothers to bring a flood upon the people of Solomon's River, killing them all!  The Brothers are worried: how do you stop a deity?  Brother Offenshitz knows: the only way to get rid of one deity, is to get another.

Dr. Scarlet calls together all the nurses, freshly back from their treatment after being subjected to the NurseNudistNeoNaziNarcanon-anado.  Nurse, Nurse Ratched, Nurse Phlebotomy, Nurse Matriculation, Nurse Peels, Nurse Sparkle, and more gather for Dr. Scarlet's announcement: he is retiring as Chief Surgeon.  Nurse is shocked, but the rest of the nurses applaud.  Dr. Scarlet says his replacement, Dr. Marbles, will be arriving later, and asks the nurses to show him the ropes.

• Will Angelica's tire fires or the Native Americans' tire fires win the day?
• How will Rajiv get Lakshmi to Greece for treatment without a working credit card?
• Can Jeremy get away from the beard-obsessed teachers?  How strong will his beard powers become?
• Will Monopoly really be the Next Big Thing?
• What kind of deity can stop Princess Evaleene from making the Brothers flood Solomon's River and killing everyone?  Are Big Momma's plans to bring Lake Superior to Solomon's River part of the god's larger plan?
• What will Dr. Scarlet do in retirement?
• Who is the new Chief Surgeon, Dr. Marbles, and is he as young, rich, and available as the nurses are hoping?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 139

Princess Lakshmi faces an unhappy truth when Rajiv measures her against the doorjamb: she is getting shorter, which means she is still getting younger.  Estimating her age at about seven, Magnus' promise that a cure could be found within ten years is not reassuring.  Princess Lakshmi figures they should travel to Geneva for a faster cure, and Rajiv zips her into a backpack to start their journey.

Brother Chiliwang and Brother Offenschitz contemplate the resurgence of evil they feel from Solomon's River far below their mountain retreat, and they pray for a vision of Princess Evaleene, who once gave them hope and a Happy Dance. She appears to them, now morphed into a rock statue, and announces she is more powerful than ever.  They supplicate themselves and ask for help to battle Big Momma, whose evil plans are affecting their peace.  "The answer," intones Evaleene, "is inside my nose."  They check inside the statue's nose, and they find The Green Crystal of Evaleene!  The Crystal, which was the source of Evaleene's power, immediately goes up Brother Chilliwang's nose.  The Princess now speaks through the Brother.  Offenschitz selfishly asks for money, and Princess/Brother changes him into a beetle.  When he pleases her/him again, she/he will turn him back.  Offenschitz clicks a little.

Meanwhile, at school, teacher Elaine Gaffney is too high to find her room and truant student Jeremy attempts to use his beard to seduce her!  Possible zombie and chemistry teacher Mr. Perchenkowitz shuffles past followed closely by Chet the security guard.  Elaine draws Chet's attention to Jeremy, and Chet, too, becomes fascinated by Jeremy's beard.  To Jeremy's horror, Elaine, Chet, Seth Perchenkowitz, and any nearby teachers become hypnotized by the awesomeness of the premature, zombie-inoculation-induced beard.

• Will Princess Lakshmi make it to Geneva before she reverts to an embryo?
• Will Rajiv make it to Geneva with a child in his backpack?
• What will the Power of Evaleene do up the Brother Chilliwang's nose, and can she/he stop Big Momma?
• How long will Borther Offenshitz have to be a bug?
• Is Jeremy's beard power getting stronger?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 37

As we begin this week's episode, we find ourselves at the INTERPOL interrogation room.  Rajiv is being forced to sweep up the room before his questioning by Agent Bryce Pattie.  The agent wants to know why Rajiv called the Taliban 12 times.  Before Rajiv can answer, a female agent comes in to take over the interrogation, much to Rajiv's delight.

Across town at the Retreat, Brother Noname is showing off his smiley face mandala to Brother Chiliwang.  The Brother was hoping the smiley face would attract the spirit of Wolfgang Offenschitz.  Chiliwang suggests they bring in a "real Indian psychic."  They leave on their new quest.

Down in the caves, Magnus is still wandering when he begins to hear voices calling for help and suggesting he go deeper into the caves.

Meanwhile, at Solomon's River General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett is proposing that he and his nurse go down onto his yacht and head for international waters.  Before they can leave, Dr. Maroon comes in looking for help with a patient suffering from blue waffles.  Down in the waiting room, we discover the patient is none other than the teenager who was throwing herself down the library stairs.  For some reason, Dr. Maroon shoots her in the head.

• Will the interrogators be rough with Rajiv?
• Will the Brothers find their  real Indian psychic?
• Will Magnus follow the voices?
• Will Dr. Scarlett and his nurse make it into international waters, and what exactly is "sperm roulette?"
• Why did Dr. Maroon kill that girl?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 36

On the latest episode of Solomon's River, Inspector Blakely is in the mines, waiting to meet Mayor Solomon in order to give him an update.  In walks Magnus Adverson, still looking for a way out of the mines.  Blakely directs him to the exit, and Mayor Solomon arrives.  Blakely reports that there is a "wanted criminal" running for office named Magnus Adverson.  Blakely also implicates Rajiv, reporting he has been having phone conversations with rebels in Afghanistan. Solomon takes Blakely with him, asking him if he's in for a spot of killing, particularly Rev. AT Isst.

At the Retreat, One Brother is talking with Brother Chiliwang about the murder of Wolfgang Offenschitz.  They agree they must cleanse the Retreat of the blood that was spilled. Chiliwang sends out a psychic call for the other Brothers, and Brother Festerfoot arrives.  All three are worried that Brother Dipshit might show up which, after a brief interlude, he does.  Once all the Brothers are assembled, they draw a mandala and try to raise the ghost of Offenschitz in order to speak with him. Instead of the ghost arriving, Wolgang's father, Herr Offenschitz comes in looking for his son, heir to the Offenschitz Eau de Toilette business.  When they are unable to help him, he laves to continue his search.

At Rajiv's Coffee House, Rajiv is on the phone when Reese Critherspoon of INTERPOL comes in to arrest Rajiv for terrorism.  Rajiv is taken away for interrogation.

•   Will Blakely agree to murder Rev AT Isst?
• Will the Brothers manage to raise the ghost of Wolfgang Offenschitz?
• What will happen to Rajiv, and is he too pretty for jail?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 25

At the Retreat, Brother Offenschitz calls for Brother Chiliwang; he claims he has "found it!"  Inner peace!  He was in his cube, going through his bottom dresser drawer, and he found it.  Just as Chiliwang is about to release Brother Offenschitz, Tripp walks in disguised as Magnus.  Brother Chiliwang departs, Wolfgang invites Magnus to meditate with him, but instead Tripp/Magnus gets behind him and snaps his neck!!!

At the Rajiv house, Rajiv attempts to chastise his wife for embarrassing him in front of the customers.  She is upset that he is serving them alcohol in a bar.  Tripp walks into their house as Magnus, asking Rajiv to help him out of the suit.  He pulls down the zipper, and out pops Tripp!  Mrs. Rajiv is worried about this "sketchy person."  Tripp tells Rajiv that the bar is too clean; he is fired. One of the Rajiv cousins comes in, spouts off in Hindi, takes the now-empty Magnus suit and goes out of the room, Rajiv following close behind.

Meanwhile, at Solomon's River General Hospital, Jerry Koff finds Dr. Scarlet (who has mysteriously survived Bob-Joe's attempt on his life) and asks to see the body in the morgue that looks suspiciously like the mayor.  Scarlet takes him down to look at the body.  After shooing his nurse off of the body, Scarlet shows it to Koff, who identifies it, asking him to make sure it is not "plugged in."  As Scarlet is checking for a pulse, his nurse comes back in, trying to keep another nurse out of the room while the doctor is in there.  She wants her turn at the body.  Jerr Koff leaves, after asking for their votes.

• What will happen now that Tripp has apparently murdered Wolfgang Offenschitz?
• How will Rajiv support his family now that he has lost his job at the Dead Parrot?
• Is it really Mayor Joe-Bob's body on the slab?
• Will we ever have any love stories in Solomon's River?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 24

In the latest installment of Solomon's River, we begin with Tripp using the Magnus Adverson suit to try to gain access to the Retreat, where Wolfgang Offenschitz is trying to attain inner peace, in an attempt to kill Offenschitz so that he can take the pressure off his mother, Angelica, who is trying to take the pressure off her boss, Carla Calivera, who is trying to turn over a new leaf, but must first kill Wolfgang for the mayor.  Tripp realizes he has no identification, which will complicate his attempt at passing himself off as Adverson.  He then runs into Wolfgang and tries to elicit his help.  One of the Brothers comes by to try and get Magnus/Tripp to leave Brother Offenschitz alone so he can meditate; Brother Chiliwang soon arrives as well and leads Magnus/Tripp out.

Meanwhile, at the Dead Parrot Bar, Rajiv is tending bar in Tripp's absence as some strangers come in.  Mrs. Rajiv storms in, demanding to know where her husband has been!  He explains to her what has happened to the coffee house.  A dude comes in and tells everyone about a pitchfork and torch party going on in town.  One of Rajiv's relatives from India arrives, offering to help him get back his coffee house.  Bob-Joe Solomon comes in during the confusion and offers one of the strangers $200 to get rid of a black bag he has outside in his pickup truck, without looking in it!

Across town at the former coffee house, the dance party continues!  Magnus gets caught up with his granddaughter, Samantha...he wants to know what happened to Cilantro.  Samantha thought she was in town all the time she was gone; she is looking for Mr. Ylung...she notes that Cilantro seems to have disappeared around the same time as Ylung!  As the dance party winds down (too many old people) a confused stranger wanders in - the man from the black bag!!!

• Will Tripp's devilish plot work?
• Will Wolfgang ever attain inner peace?
• Will Mrs Rajiv teach her husband not to give away large possessions while she's gone?
• What was Bob-Joe doing with a body bag?
• Will Cilantro return?  Is she with Mr. Ylung???

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 16

At the Dead Canary, a local drunkard, Aaron, demands more whiskey as the bartender, Tripp, tries to get him to go home until finally giving in and serving him.  Detective Smith arrives, looking for anything suspicious.  Tripp informs Smith that the mayor has a brother that looks just like him.  Smith then grills him about all the local disappearances, indicating that the drunkard may well disappear next.  Asking Aaron about the No-Tell Motel (at which he works,) Smith finds out that the mayor likes little girls.  Bob-Joe Solomon arrives, still looking for his brother.  Smith asks him about his Joe-Bob's penchant for young ladies.  Bob-Joe admits that his brother the mayor is corrupt, and will get his comeuppance.

Magnus is still tied up in Ylung's basement; Ylung informs him that the "project" will have to wait, because Ylung has gotten a good gig suing Dr. Scarlett on behalf of Dr. Maroon.  A knock comes at the door; a cable guy arrives trying to sign Ylung up for cable. They come to an agreement as Ylung does his best to hide Magnus from him.  Adverson finally agrees to sign the new will, making the Magnus Mask Plan irrelevant.  The cable guy witnesses the signing of the will.

Meanwhile, just outside Ylung's house, three teenagers gather to break in and steal all the chemicals they heard were inside.  They follow the cable guy in  and find the Magnus mask and suit, which one of them proceeds to put on.

At a mediation center, Wolfgang Offenschitz is learning to let go of his anger.  Hawaiian pizza arrives and Master Chiliwang pays, then tell Brother Offenschitz that he has pain which he cannot release until he finds his inner demons.  Another brother arrives, asking about the pizza until Brother Offenschitz yells at them to quiet down, thereby delaying his discovery of the inner demons even further.

• Will Joe-Bob Solomon and Bob-Joe Solomon ever manage to meet up?
• Will Magnus Adverson get to see "Love Connection?"
• What will those teenagers do with a Magnus Adverson mask & suit?
• Will Brother Offenschitz get in touch with his inner demons?
• Who invented the Hawaiian pizza, and why?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!