Episode 165

Rajiv puts his foot down about dancing in Princess Lakshmi's family's Bollywood-obsessed household.  She suggests that his princely persona be "too royal" even to dance, which he can do.  Quacky, the extremely aged duck, leads the princess to her mother, who has been training him to dance, too.  Mother seems even more dance-obsessed and only casually worried that Poppa had been impersonated in America and now is missing.  Mother wisely suggests searching for her father in a montage, which, unfortunately, turns up nothing.

Meanwhile, in Solomon's River Police Headquarters, an officer reports to Lieutenant Bustybottoms that he is frustrated with the calls from the 7-11 because "the guy there is a jerk."  The officer also reports Facebook activity calling for Bustybottoms to be fired (okay), run out of town (sounds good), and have forcible butt-sex (sure) with Burt Convy's corpse (noooo!) and it's the MAYOR who is behind the messages!  Bustybottoms goes to confront the Mayor.

The mayor's office is also being inundated with 7-11 phone calls, but ignores them.  Lieutenant Bustybottoms arrives and the secretary lets him in as he's the "Burt Convy's corpse" guy.  The Mayor awaits, with an unconscious woman on the floor at his feet.  Bustybottoms pulls his gun and puts the Mayor under arrest.  The Mayor pulls his own gun, and they try to arrest each other, but the Mayor's cuffs are on the woman.  While they are focused on each other, the woman wakes and shoots them both.  The Mayor more than once.

Meanwhile, in a California mausoleum, a tour guide takes a group through the Hall of Burts/Berts, and is horrified to see Bert Convy is missing!

• Will Rajiv be able to pass for a royal too royal to dance?
• Why is Princess Lakshmi's mother not more concerned, and where is Princess Lakshmi's father, anyway?
• What's going on at that 7-11?
• Has Lieutenant Bustybottoms been killed?
• Has Solomon's River's mayor been killed?
• What will the police department think, with each of the shot men holding guns?
• Who was that woman, and why was she in the mayor's office?
• Where is Bert Convy's corpse?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 148

Dr. Scarlett is assisted by Large Marge, a terrible nurse, to operate on Sara, the car accident victim.  As anesthesia is inexpertly applied, Nurse arrives to speak with Dr. Scarlett.  Nurse recognizes "Large Marge" as Margaret, her bestie from primary school, who nearly ruined her life.  As they relive their animosity, a zombie enters and, unnoticed, munches on the patient.  Nurse is even more angry with Dr. Scarlett for hiring her arch nemesis.  They notice the patient is still...alive?  Impossible!  Half her brain was eaten by a zombie, but it seems Dr. Scarlett has worked a miracle without working at all.  Nurse invites half-brained Sara to work for her.

Magnus Adversson, sadly old again, is back at Rajiv's Coffee House.  Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi enter, also returned from Greece.  Magnus wishes to have Rajijv's superpower spit to be young again, but the spit no longer works.  They all notice the coffee shop looks different...it is now a coffee shop that caters to zombies!  Princess Lakshmi and Magnus have a Golden Girls moment where they plan a party to toast their friendship.  Rajiv doesn't completely understand.

Meanwhile, out on the street, a recent double amputee is knocked from her wheelchair by a callous woman.  It turns out she is a fairy god person, along with her male friend, who only grant wishes to rich, beautiful people.  The handicapped woman rolls away.

Judge Graft is in a rage.  His court reporter summarizes: Native Americans have holed themselves up and are burning tires, a trench is being dug from Lake Superior to Solomon's River, Judge Graft is negatively trending online because people who voted for Chief of Police are upset the judge just replaced him.  Former Chief of Police Lt. Bustybottoms bursts in, drunk, after a six month bender.  The Graft-appointed new police chief is missing, and Bustybottoms' butt isn't looking so hot.  Det. Schmegly, the last police officer on duty, arrives.  The court reporter records the entire interaction as Graft orders Schmegly to put Bustybottoms in the drunk tank.  Somewhere, across the interwebs, young women Tracy, Geraldine, and Bonette see the trending video and spread it around the internet.  They all head to the police station to goggle in person.

• Will Nurse continue to be plagued by her primary school nemesis Large Marge?
• Will a half-brained, untrained, car accident victim prove to be a better nurse than the other replacements?
• Can Rajiv reclaim his coffee shop and how will the Golden Girls party go?
• What will the two fairy god people do for the rich and beautiful people of Solomon's River?
• Will Lt. Bustybottom dry out?  Can he whip the police department back into order with only Det. Schmegly on duty?  Can he monetize his sudden, unintended internet fame?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 147

Court is in session with Judge Graft, his nosy court reporter, and his slacker bailiff, but the defendants, Native Americans, aren't coming in because they don't believe the Court holds sway over them.  Judge Graft is annoyed because the bailiff was supposed to bring in the Natives as well as the rogue deity, but the bailiff delegated to the (notoriously awful) Solomon's Police Department.  Judge Graft demands the bailiff get it done and laments hiring his cousin, Lieutenant Bustybottoms, as Chief of Police.  The judge makes his bailiff Chief of Police, jailer, as well as bailiff.  The court reporter secretly texted this change of authority to her nosy circle of connections.

Meanwhile, in a jar...  the Princess Lakshmi embryo is getting bigger.

Dr. Scarlett calls for Nurse, but remembers he fired her, and instead gets Nurse Steve.  Someone swerving to avoid a zombie got into a horrible car accident and will need operating room 12 in ten minutes.  A zombie goes to exam room 5.

Brother Chilliwang glows with the power of Princess Evaleen's stone shoved up his nose, allowing him to become a deity.  When Offenshitz tries to pick the stone out of Chilliwang's nose, Chilliwang warns the stone is needed because there's going to be a God Fight between him and Jewish Deity Gigi, but only if they can get him to turn into a Kaiju.

A girl brings her friend Sarah to the emergency room, apparently from the car vs. zombie accident, and the very zombie she swerved to avoid was hired by HR to do patient intake.  Sarah feels okay, but her friend insists she needs medical attention.  Nurse Steve mixed up the operating room and the time needed.  Sarah's friend and Doctor Scarlett (and the new patient intake worker) notice the back of her head is open and her brain is sticking out.  They poke it for fun.

• What will happen now that Judge Graft has started messing with the police department?
• Where are the Native Americans, and what happened to their bribe for Judge Graft?
• How big is Princess Lakshmi's jar?
• What has become of Solomon's River General Hospital now that there are incompetent nurses and zombies working there?
• There's gonna be a Kaiju fight!

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 137

Co-ed Jessica is manning the voter registration desk and desperately trying to get personal information from tight-lipped zombies.  Name, address, and district escape them, but Jessica's brains don't.  She is eaten.

Rajiv pleads with the unusually young Princess Lakshmi to understand: he doesn't want to be a child molester.  She wants him as a man, and he wants her to have an early bedtime.  A threatened spanking nearly brings their desires together, but Rajiv wins out when a customer enters, forcing Lakshmi into the basement again.  Magnus Adversson orders a rhubarb pie with youth-inducing Rajiv spit.  As a suddenly younger Magnus, Rajiv has him sign a contract for youth-spit research in Geneva, and Lakshmi reminds Rajiv she would also like a reverse formula so she can get back to normal.

Angelica returns to her mistress after having been kidnapped and nearly killed by the Uber Minion.  Establishing herself as Uber Minion, Angelica asks for new instructions, and Mistress says, "Let the town of Solomon's River be on the shores of Lake Superior!"  Angelica figures moving the lake will be easier than moving the town and she begins drafting plans.

Reporter Anabelle Anderson of WWSR brings breaking news: a voter registration volunteer had the stop of her head chewed off.  A "down-home" eye witness reports what she saw in a way that she hopes will get her an autotuned song for her fifteen minutes of fame.

In their backwoods cabin, Bartholomew begs Cletus to help him find the lost girl they lost again.  Cletus strains to think though his hunger, but maintains he sees the girl in a bush.  Sally runs through their weak grasps.

Meanwhile, at the police station, Deputy George interviews a woman reporting she was inappropriately touched on the head and hand.  She describes the perp: very pale, dark hair that came down in a point, pointy sideburns, like Spock, but regular ears, perhaps pointy teeth... She screams as Lieutenant Bustybottoms enters.  The Lieutenant has a similar smell: cologne and feet.  Bustybottoms admits he likes to smoke Indian cigarettes and they figure the perp must, too.  The woman says the man "disappeared in a twinkle of light" and demands he be brought down the station...so he can touch her again!

• Is co-ed Jessica fully digested, or will she return as a zombie?  Will that help her communicate better with the zombie population?
• How fast can Magnus' scientists recreate the youth-spit, and can they make it reversible?
• What will Bartholomew and Cletus do when and if they ever recapture Sally?
• Can Deputy George catch the touchy-feely criminal?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 125

Angelica grovels at Big Momma's feet, promising she's the best minion ever. The minions have been getting the place ready for the party when Uber Minion comes in and starts brown-nosing Big Momma. Uber Minion touches Momma, who warns him never to touch her again, but he threatens that he could "snap her like a twig"! Angelica back-hands Uber Minion, causing a mild nose bleed. Big Momma wants to know why, since he is a minion, he is not grovelling. He answers that perhaps he does not want to be a minion any more; perhaps he wants to be Big Momma! He muses that he could get a sex transplant, which apparently involves having a penis on his forehead. Uber Minion pulls out a big knife, which Angelica knocks from his hand. Big Momma then reveals that she is also Queen of the Witches! Angelica offers to help Big Momma cast a spell by collecting the necessary ingredients. The needs one of his toenails, and eyelash, one of his ears, one of his eyes, and his toupee. 

Meanwhile, at the Solomon's River Police Department,  Detective Smegley comes in and greets Greta, his new secretary, who actually turns out to be Greta's grandmother; Smegley has mistaken one for the other because they look so much alike. Lieutenant Bustybottoms comes in and finds Smegley in an uncooperative mood. Smegley believes that since he got his promotion, he no longer needs to listen to Bustybottoms. The Lieutenant lets it slide and sends him off for coffee. Bustybottoms is perturbed there's an old person in the station, but overlooks it for Greta's sake. A woman, Freida,  enters to report that her next door neighbor is Queen of the Witches, complete with minions! Bustybottoms ignores her pleas for help until he can get his coffee. Greta offers to take care of the witch problem, even though she's been afraid of them since Sunday school. They leave to gather a lynch mob.

Tony admonishes Soup Bone for killing Timmy in broad daylight. They start to plan their escape in Tony's Porsche (complete with Priscilla once again tied up in the trunk) when Timmy returns to life as a zombie! 

Now that McShane has finally gotten rid of Tommy and Sally, he believes he can get some work done. Unfortunately, he is haunted by their voices, accusing him of leaving them in the woods to die. McShane finally gives in an screams that he will go back to the forest to find them, but doesn't have to, because they right behind him. There is a joyful reunion complete with some awkward moments. Sally tells McShane that the doctor killed her baby; McShane offers to go find the doctor and kill him. Sally is a little concerned that that's what he's jumping to, but lets him go anyway. Tommy leaves to go to the forest.

• Will Uber Minion become the new Big Momma?
• Will Angelica manage to collect all the necessary ingredients for thespell?
• Will Greta and Freida be able to raise a lynch party?
• What will Timmy do, now that he's a zombie?
• Will McShane kill Doctor Scarlett over a non-existent baby?

 Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
 

Episode 124

Mousy Librarian finds Jervis, who is amazed not only to find her alive, but pregnant! Especially given the fact that neither of them remembers any "horizontal action". Mousy reminds him about being cryogenically frozen after their adventures in the Caverns and her brief time being controlled by a chip placed in her head by H.A.L., the evil computer-twin of Dr. Scarlet. Suddenly, Mousy hears H.A.L.'s voice telling her to tell Jervis he has to marry her. When Jervis fails to respond, H.A.L. tells her to take out the gun. They struggle for the gun, and once Jervis is incapacitated by a sudden groin injury, H.A.L. instructs her to implant a chip in his backside, which much to Jervis' surprise, she does.

Meanwhile, McShane and Tommy, still wandering in the forest, almost find each other. Tommy hears Sally, and promptly wanders off after her. Nobody finds anyone.

At Solomon's River Police Department, Det. Smegly is taking calls as Lt. Bustybottoms come out and tells him to order a pizza and say how awesome his butt is. Bustybottoms offers Smegly a promotion, as long as he can go arrest someone within the next 30 seconds. Smegly returns with a serial killer and gives him his promotion.

Meanwhile, at the Adversson mansion, the British secret agents have returned from their China trip. Magnus enters, and one tries to get him to tell about the microchip plant by not-so-cleverly by dropping the words "China" and "microchip secret facility" into conversation. When he is unsuccessful, the second agent tries her hand, discovering that China was ruse to steer them away from Scotland, Uzbekistan, Magnus' granddaughters, and some secret vision. They think he knows more, but it has been wiped from his mind. They settle on asking him about the factory. He admits to building it to create an A.I. for the purposes of, as Magnus puts it, "something rhyming with 'furled cromination.'" Despite the fact that the factory had been closed down years ago, the agents report seeing a recent spike in microchip orders.

Tony's pals, Soup Bone, Ginger Butt, Super B and others get together to plan to break Tony out of jail. The discussion soon turns divisive, with rival factions vying for control of the Solomon's River drug trade. They wonder if they should leave Tony in jail instead, metaphysically dead. Ginger Butt fills them in on the details of a PBS special on the risks of pot smoking, and Soup Bone's mom comes to call him home for dinner. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the gang, Tony is already out of jail and has been alerted to their treachery by his friend Timmy. Tony comes to confront them, and a lot of yelling ensues. Soup Bone's mom returns to chastise the group for not giving him enough time to play with them. They apologize, Soup Bone returns, there's more yelling and Soup Bone ends up killing Timmy.

• Will Jervis and Mousy figure out where the baby came from?
• What will happen now that Jervis has a microchip up his butt?
• Will Lt. Bustybottoms get his pizza?
• Why are microchips being ordered from a factory that's been closed for years?
• What will happen now that Tony is no longer metaphorically dead?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!