Episode 137

Co-ed Jessica is manning the voter registration desk and desperately trying to get personal information from tight-lipped zombies.  Name, address, and district escape them, but Jessica's brains don't.  She is eaten.

Rajiv pleads with the unusually young Princess Lakshmi to understand: he doesn't want to be a child molester.  She wants him as a man, and he wants her to have an early bedtime.  A threatened spanking nearly brings their desires together, but Rajiv wins out when a customer enters, forcing Lakshmi into the basement again.  Magnus Adversson orders a rhubarb pie with youth-inducing Rajiv spit.  As a suddenly younger Magnus, Rajiv has him sign a contract for youth-spit research in Geneva, and Lakshmi reminds Rajiv she would also like a reverse formula so she can get back to normal.

Angelica returns to her mistress after having been kidnapped and nearly killed by the Uber Minion.  Establishing herself as Uber Minion, Angelica asks for new instructions, and Mistress says, "Let the town of Solomon's River be on the shores of Lake Superior!"  Angelica figures moving the lake will be easier than moving the town and she begins drafting plans.

Reporter Anabelle Anderson of WWSR brings breaking news: a voter registration volunteer had the stop of her head chewed off.  A "down-home" eye witness reports what she saw in a way that she hopes will get her an autotuned song for her fifteen minutes of fame.

In their backwoods cabin, Bartholomew begs Cletus to help him find the lost girl they lost again.  Cletus strains to think though his hunger, but maintains he sees the girl in a bush.  Sally runs through their weak grasps.

Meanwhile, at the police station, Deputy George interviews a woman reporting she was inappropriately touched on the head and hand.  She describes the perp: very pale, dark hair that came down in a point, pointy sideburns, like Spock, but regular ears, perhaps pointy teeth... She screams as Lieutenant Bustybottoms enters.  The Lieutenant has a similar smell: cologne and feet.  Bustybottoms admits he likes to smoke Indian cigarettes and they figure the perp must, too.  The woman says the man "disappeared in a twinkle of light" and demands he be brought down the station...so he can touch her again!

• Is co-ed Jessica fully digested, or will she return as a zombie?  Will that help her communicate better with the zombie population?
• How fast can Magnus' scientists recreate the youth-spit, and can they make it reversible?
• What will Bartholomew and Cletus do when and if they ever recapture Sally?
• Can Deputy George catch the touchy-feely criminal?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 134

Cletus and Bartholemew, finally home, are arguing about who gets to eat lasagna and who Mom likes best (it's Bartholemew). Bartholemew tries to make Cletus believe that Mom is home (which she isn't), but in the meantime Cletus eats the last two pieces of lasagna. In retaliation, Bartholemew sends his brother out alone into the woods to find Sally.

Meanwhile, in another part of the woods, McShane is also wandering about looking for Sally.

Meanwhile meanwhile, in another other part of the woods, Sally and Tommy manage to find each other. Sally, who was tied up by a wolfman, is untied by Tommy as she fills him in on her latest adventures. To prevent getting separated again, they tie themselves together, but cannot decide which direction to go. Sally worries that this is how she got pregnant in the first place, and we are reminded that she believes Dr. Scarlet killed her baby and they, in turn, were going to kill the doctor in retribution. Before they leave the woods, Sally presses her very cold fingers against him, and they go off to get him checked for a baby, just in case.

Jerry Koff, now running for Mayor, is recruiting for his campaign. He plans to target the zombie community, enticing them with the slogan, "#BRAINS!!!"

McShane tries to wander off in the same direction Tommy and Sally went.

The Nurses' Association has called a meeting with the CDC to address the outbreaks of multiple dangerous, deadly, and highly contagious diseases in Solomon's River.  Expert Dr. Phlogiston and her colleague, also called Nurse and both freshly back from the Congo, meet with Nurse who recaps for them the Nurse-nudist-neo-Nazi-NARCanon-a-nado which spread a skin disease, as well as the zombie infestation and, possibly, the Zika virus.  Dr. Phlogiston and her personal Nurse are a bit horrified at both the magnitude of disease as well as the number of old, ugly nudists they might have to see.  Nurse sets up an appointment with them to meet with Dr. Scarlett.  Dr. Scarlett, however, has a history with Dr. Phlogiston.

Just in case Dr. Phlogiston and her Nurse don't make it to the Jam for Episode 136, they have their meeting right away at the local Starbucks.  It has been 20 years, but their unfinished business rears its ugly head.  Dr. Scarlett eyes Dr. Phlogiston's Nurse and we learn their history may have been professional, or it may have involved jealousy over a woman.  The drinks fly hot and fast into faces and the barista calls the police to report a rumble.  Detective Smegly enters to break it up.  The doctors think maybe they were in error and they don't actually know each other.  They order new drinks.  Satisfied the fighting is done, the detective leaves.  Dr. Phlogiston manages to insult Dr. Scarlett, who then orders a venti to fling and the fighting renews!

• Will either Bartholomew or McShane manage to find Tommy and Sally?
• Will Tommy and Sally find their way to Dr. Scarlett, and if so, will they really kill him?
• Who is running against Jere Koff, and do they have a chance now that he's going after the zombie vote? #brains
• What is the history between Dr. Phlogiston and Dr. Scarlett?  Can they work together to help Solomon's River?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 132

Rajiv is sick of being tested for superpowers and is glad when Magnus Adversson wanders into the coffee shop.  Princess Lakshmi becomes upset when she cannot control her zombie-inoculation-induced super-strength, and runs out, crying over a ruined fork.  Magnus orders his regular rhubarb pie and Doctor Pibb, but after sipping the Doctor Pibb, into which Rajiv has back-washed, is surprised by a change: he is younger!  They deduce that Rajiv has rejuvenating spit!  Unfortunately, the effect doesn't last long, and Rajiv needs to spit on Magnus repeatedly.  While young, however, Magnus Adversson realizes there is money to be made here, and he hatches a plan to harvest Rajiv spit to find the secret to the Rajiv Scrak Fountain of Youth!  They plan to meet up at Magnus' mansion.

Later, in a recording studio, music producer Marcus is doing the final recording of pop star Shasta's zombie apocalypse song, "Brains!"  It's a wrap, but zombies, perhaps attracted by the new smash single, infiltrate and infect the assistant producer who in turn chases Marcus and Shasta out of the studio.

Bartholomew and Cletus are sincerely lost in the woods, nearly drown out by howling wolves.  McShane wanders by, calling Tommy and Sally.  Unfortunately for McShane, the brothers are very hungry, and they have rope.  They tie up McShane and take him home for food.  If they can find home, that is...

Meanwhile, in the middle school where even the teachers pick on Loser Myrtle, Myrtle is accosted by the snobby girls who pretend to like her and promise to help her do her hair, makeup and dress for the school dance.  As the snobby girls mock and lie to Myrtle, hunky Jeremy (of the unshavable beard) walks by.  Snobby Sara uses her deep voice to say hello, but Jeremy only stops to ask if Myrtle will go to the dance with him!

• What plans does Magnus have for Rajiv's rejuvenating spit?
• How will Princess Lakshmi deal with her super strength?
• Will Shasta's "Brains!" pop single be a hit?  Does the song really affect zombies?
• How will McShane taste to Bartholomew and Cletus?
• Did Jeremy seriously ask Loser Myrtle to the dance, or is he in on some snobby plot?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 131

Rajiv keeps testing Lakshmi's sudden super strength, and Lakshmi keeps testing Rajiv to find his super power.  It's not mind reading.  It's not flying.  It's not hovering.  It's not immunity to pain.  Lakshmi uses her super strength to pick him up and run him back to Rajiv's Coffee House so he may meditate on the possibilities.

Bartholomew and Cletus argue as brothers do who are hungry, stuck in the forest, and tied together.  Bartholomew knocks the treesagna out of Cletus' hands and they argue about saving the girl or not.  Cletus stands firm about going home.  Bartholomew relents, as his brother is much bigger, and they head home, hoping the girl (who is Sally) will either find her own way, or at least distract the wolves plaguing this part of the forest.

Meanwhile, in a hallway outside the fifth grade classroom a frock of girls gossips about Jeremy with the Beard!  One thinks it's gross, but the more developed girl thinks it's hot.  Jeremy himself walks by and says, "What's up, Sara?" causing Sara to lose it like a fangirl.  She's positive Jeremy will now ask her to the Fifth Grade Dinner Dance--as long as Loser Myrtle isn't there.  Nobody likes her and Sara teases a plan for a prank to her scheming friends.

Friendly neighborhood barber Bobby McMasterfaster is a little lonely in his shop, hoping business will pick up soon when the bell rings optimistically.  Unfortunately, it's not a customer; it's a Born-Again Christian asking if he's found his personal Savior in Jesus Christ.  A blade flashes, the blood flows, and the Born-Again confesses with her dying breath she didn't really believe.  Bobby laughs and laughs...

• Will meditation help Rajiv find his zombie-inoculation-induced superpower?
• Will Bartholomew and Cletus find their way home in the wolf-infested woods?
• What has become of Sally?
• Will Jeremy ask Sara to the Dinner Dance?
• What is the prank Sara wants to pull on Loser Myrtle?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 129

Zombie Professional Brendeesha Scarf's secretary alerts her boss to the increasing appointment cancellations due to the outbreak of zombie-ism.  Even Brendeesha's "livestock" of healthy humans had been infiltrated by a zombie, and now lie mostly dead, having feasted on each other.

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi arrive for their appointment and, between their bickering, request an inoculation against zombie-ism.  Brendeesha ushers the couple into a cage, closes the door, and returns with two vials of liquid.  While Rajiv and Lakshmi debate the trustworthiness of the Zombie Professional, they hear the distinct groans of a zombie...behind them.  They drink!  Yeech: licorice.  Not a fan of being locked up, Princess Lakshmi grabs the bars of the cage and finds that she has the strength to bend apart the metal!  They run away.

Ms Scarf and her secretary discuss the increased haste in the anti-zombie-ism formula's testing process, having skipped over several important safety steps.  Checking on their latest subjects, they find the cage bent and empty.  Assuming the potion worked, and worried about an open zombie cage, Ms Scarf and her secretary take the potion, too.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the woods, Bartholomew and Cletus are tied together (for safety), hungry, and still haven't found Sally.  Frightened by a disembodied cackling, they are more frightened when the Old Man of the Woods appears!  Bartholomew explains their situation, Cletus complains of hunger.  The Old Man of the Woods works his magic on the nearest tree, which provides Cletus' favorite food: lasagna.  It's good!

The men try hard to remember Sally's name, but only get as close as "Sah-rah-lah-ha".  The Old Man calls for quiet, and speaks to the tree roots to find out who is in the forest: a bear, pooping; campers, having a fight; wandering naked nurses and Neonazis, and finally, a girl!  She is not alone... She is going to be in much trouble as she is with... The Wolfman!  Bartholomew and Cletus are worried for the girl and the Old Man says the trees will show them the way to find her.  The Old Man of the Woods disappears!

Indeed, the trees appear to point, but they are also gassy, laughing, and uninformative.  The men want to give up until they hear Sally's faint cry of, "Help me!"  Cletus would prefer to go home and eat his treesagna, but Bartholomew believes they CAN be heroes and drives them onward.

• What has Brendeesha Scarf's anti-zombie formula actually done to Princess Lakshmi?
• What could it have done to Rajiv?
• Does it actually inoculate against zombie-ism?
• Will Bartholomew and Cletus become heroes and save Sally?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 128

Bartholomew and Cletus grow worried, as Sally has been gone over an hour and has not yet returned with their possum. They argue regarding the wisdom of sending someone who had been lost in the woods for two days out into the woods once again. It also comes out that Mom liked Cletus better, mainly because he looks better in a skirt. Cletus is hungry, so they go out looking for her. 

 

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the woods, Sally wanders aimlessly, looking for Tommy and possums. She finds tracks which are bigger than her hand. She follows, ignoring the wolf howling, until she comes across a stranger who admits to having eaten the possum she was following. He invites her back to his place and she, of course, goes with him.

Elsewhere in the woods, Cletus demands to know why Bartholomew always leads, since he always gets them lost. After some back and forth, they apologize to each other. Cletus decides they have to go talk to the Old Man of the Woods. Ignoring the Old Man of the Forest who happens to be passing by, they follow the Old Man of the Woods trail in their quest to find the Old Man of the Woods.

Somewhere else, an old couple is fighting when the neighbor bangs on their wall, yelling for them to be quiet. Fred's wife Elizabeth tells him to talk with his neighbor, who refuses to come down (he has "the gout"), but instead sends down his older brother, Pedro, who is a retired luchador. Fred threatens to whoop his ass, but when Pedro arrives, they have a nice little chat about how cranky Pedro's younger brother is. His brother goads him to "Give 'em what for!" but Pedro says he'd rather just sit there and watch, which Fred and Elizabeth take him up on, inviting him into the bedroom.

Rajiv and Lakshmi have finally made their way out of the caverns, having eluded the zombies, at least for the moment. The Princess suggests, since they are the only two who know about the zombie infestation, that they call in a zombie professional. There is a knock on the door; it is the famous zombie professional, Brendita Scarf! Brendita agrees to save Solomon's River!

Later, at Brendita Scarf's place, Brendita's secretary is trying to tell a frantic man that her boss has no time free in her schedule to see him. He needs to tell her that there are zombies everywhere! The secretary tries to send him back outside, but he says he'll do anything rather than go back out there. She asks him to "step into this cage with these other gentlemen," and promises to get back to him later on. There he is informed by another man that they are to be used as "bait" by the zombie hunter. While there may be free Twinkies, he is still upset and wants to plan to escape, but gets little help from his fellow captives, one who actually volunteered. Suddenly, one of the men in the cage reveals himself to be a zombie, and chaos ensues!

• Will Bartholomew and Cletus find Sally?
• Will Sally be safe with this new stranger?
• Will Pedro be content to sit and watch?
• Can Brendita Scarf solve the zombie crisis?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 127

Angelica presents Big Momma with spell ingredients gathered from Uber Minion, only one eyelash short; however, Big Momma says she doesn't need the lash to still get rid of everyone who is against her!  Uber Minion enters, wisely slathered in Crisco (an effective spell repellent), to take out Big Momma once and for all.  Big Momma sends Angelica to wake Big Poppa, who has been in a spell-induced coma since 1976 when he annoyed his wife.  Big Poppa proceeds to slap the Uber Minion around before taking him off to spoon.  Angelica picks up the spell ingredients which have fallen to the floor.  Big Momma is confident, but Angelica suspects the creeblies and dust bunnies from the floor may cause trouble with the spell-casting.

The Lynching Party had cookies and eggnog, but never got around to the lynching.  Only a few party-goers remain, and while Greta would still like to lynch, Frieda is nervous because one of Big Momma's cats had been lurking outside her window.  They compromise by sending Bertrandina, new to their group, to bring Big Momma a peace offering of leftover Christmas lynching cookies.

Meanwhile, shirtless hillbillies Bartholomew and Cletus attempt to use the lost Sally as their personal servant, not understanding the limits of her intelligence.  Directed to skin and boil a dead possum, when she touches it, the animal springs back to life and escapes.  Bartholomew and Cletus send her out to the woods to bring it back.  Sally finds a slow loris, but no possum.

Sergeant Smegley mans the police department desk phone, taking a noise complaint from a residence near Rajiv's Coffee Shop.  Policeman Joe Bob brings the Sergeant doughnuts but is, tragically, sent out to investigate.

Unbeknownst to Joe Bob, Lakshmi and Rajiv made it from the caverns back to the coffee shop, closing the trap door behind them.  As they began to set up for business, they heard a thumping sound from the basement ran for it as zombies pushed through the trap door.  It is at that moment policeman Joe Bob enters, trying to interview the patrons who turn out to be zombies.  The newly nibbled and zombie-fied policeman is after jelly doughnuts, and he assaults a public drunk to get some.

• How will Uber Minion escape the attentions of Big Poppa?
• Will Big Poppa acclimate to the new century?
• Will Big Momma's spell go as planned...or not?
• Will Big Momma accept lynching cookies in exchange for peace?
• Does Sally have healing powers?
• How fast does a zombie plague spread?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 126

Rajiv managed not only to avoid the shuffling zombies chasing him in the caverns, but he also found Lakshmi.  Before they work together to escape, she makes Rajiv declare her a free woman, and he makes Lakshmi proclaim her love for him.  They pinkie swear on it.  He promises to have his wife declared dead.

Frieda and Greta invite others to their witch lynch party and they decide to combine it with the upcoming holidays and make it a Christmas lynching.  John is in charge of the food, twins Timmy and Tommy choose the Christmas/lynching carol list, and someone else is in charge of the garland, which will be used to string up the witches.  Frieda and Greta tell everyone to meet back with their goodies, and then they'll lynch the Queen of the Witches.

Sally is with McShane and she is worried for the freshly lost-in-the-forest Tommy.  McShane suggests they search together, which Sally remembers is what got them all lost in the first place.  She brilliantly suggests a rope, so they don't get separated.  Not-brilliantly, she gives the entire rope to McShane.  After they leave for the forest, Tommy arrives to find they are gone.

Angelica sneaks into Uber Minion's room to gather the ingredients which Big Momma, aka Queen of the Witches, needs to cast a spell on the plotting Uber.  Angelica manages toenail clippings and a spare toupee before Uber returns and discovers her.  She takes the opportunity to cut off one of his ears and take an eye.  He promises to kill her someday.  She has forgotten to get an eyelash.

John comes home to rope his mother into making cookies for their Christmas lynching party.  His alcoholic father lurks in the background, and John has trouble reading the recipe.

Meanwhile, at Solomon's River General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett asks Nurse where all the other nurses are and she explains the NurseNudist-etc-Nado.  Nurse leaves with the nurse roster to find them.  After she leaves, McShane confronts Dr. Scarlett and announces his intention to kill him to avenge Tommy and Sally's baby.  Dr. Scarlett explains that Sally was never pregnant because there is a need for intercourse before there can be a baby.

With McShane at the hospital, Sally is all alone in the middle of the forest.  Two rubes, Bartholomew and Cletus, offer to help the crying woman and invite her back to their shack in the woods.  She goes...

• Will Rajiv and Lakshmi keep their promises to love and honor?  What will Mrs. Rajiv do when she discovers she has been declared dead?
• Will Big Momma's spell work without an eyelash?  What will Uber Minion do without depth perception or a spare toupee?
• Can Big Momma cast her spell and keep the witches safe against the impending lynch mob?
• Can John's Christmas lynching cookies possibly come out okay?
• Will Nurse find the other tossed-about nurses?
• Is McShane satisfied with Dr. Scarlett's explanation of how babies are made?
• What will become of Sally?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!