Rajiv is deeply doubtful he and Princess Lakshmi should be following information left by an elderly duck. The princess defends Quaky's advice, especially since the McDonald's on top of her family's mountain shrine to Vishnu has pith helmets, rope, and a tiny door. Rajiv warns her, "Whatever you do, don't lose the rope." Immediately after, Princess Lakshmi warns Rajiv not to let the door close behind them. The door closes and is locked from the outside. She still has the rope.
Two ICE agents only have a hour left to make Angelica talk, and they torture her by withholding Wheel of Fortune. Finally, Angelica breaks. "Big Momma is going to... to.... She has hired a... a..." No matter how hard she tries, Angelica cannot make herself speak! Angelica realizes it must be a spell, put on her by Big Momma. The ICE agents beat her up anyway.
Later, at Big Momma's lair, Angelica returns, battered and bruised, only to find Uber Minion by Big Momma's side! Big Momma says she knows he won't tell on her! Despite all her loyalty, Angelica is kicked to the curb. As she is being removed by Uber Minion, he whispers to her that this is all part of the plan, and that he will soon be taking over! Angelica is doubtful, and she believes Uber Minion will be thwarted by one of Big Momma's powerful spells.
Nurse has returned to Dr. Scarlett's employ, but since the zombies have either gotten better or been incorporated into society, there is another lack of patients. They decide to engineer a virus that can be put into beer. Miss Leftboob, a custodian, is given a petri dish of virus and told to smear it wherever beer, and/or limes, are sold.
After an incubation period, a pair of older drunk men at Ye Olde Farts Bar are challenged by a pair of college hipsters who have dubbed this their new ironic hangout. They all drink Old Milwaukee and whip their dicks around, then drink Coronas, whereupon the virus takes hold, they cough, and all their dicks fall off.
- What will Princess Lakshmi and Raviv find in the mountain, and will it include a way out?
- Will Uber Minion dethrone Big Momma, or will her spells, or her other plans, triumph?
- What will become of Angelica?
- Can Dr. Scarlett control the virus unleashed into Solomon's River, and will he even care, as long as it brings profit to the hospital?
- Is there a vaccine that reattaches penises?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi walk carefully in the dark somewhere near the family's private mountaintop shrine to Vishnu. Crunching steps...a flash of light...someone is there...it has been turned into a McDonald's! The shrine still exists, and they have Hindu-themed the menu. They order the six-arm McVishnu meal with a curry shake to eat by the shrine's statue, hoping it will give them a vision.
Meanwhile, at the Fancy Tea Room for the Rich Elderly, Marjorie Dawson sips tea with Norma, an even older lady. Marjorie brags about her blue collar "encounter" with Smitty the Plumber. Norma is intrigued, and wants to experience Marjorie's new glow. She suggests Marjorie bring Smitty to one of their lady "events". Before Marjorie can give more details about Smitty's prowess, a man informs them that the Tea Room's plumbing is backing up and they should evacuate. The ladies, however, will wait for the plumbers.
Angelica briefs Big Momma on the plumbing project progress. Smitty has dug all the tunnels which reach every toilet in Solomon's River, ready for Big Momma's explosives! Big Momma says that even the plumber must be blown up. Suddenly, the police knock on the door! Angelica answers while Big Momma works some secret magic. They have questions for Big Momma, but no warrant. Suspicious of Angelica's immigration status, the police take her away.
Down by the docks, the Nurse and the Secretary are browsing for cut-throats and scoundrels to help with killing the Mayor and finding the Nurse's sister, in either order. Nurse has enough mad money, but will only pay after both deeds are done. A man, Silent but Deadly, agrees to the job.
- Will eating onion rings by a statue of Vishnu help Princess Lakshmi find her father?
- What kind of "events" to the rich elderly women of Solomon's River hold, and will Smitty attend, or will he be blown up instead?
- Are the sewer problems related to the new tunnels, and will Big Momma actually blow them all up?
- What will happen to Angelica now that she's in the hands of ICE: Immigration and Customs Enforcement?
- Will Silent but Deadly be able to kill the on-the-run Mayor AND find Nurse's on-the-run sister?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Frankie and Jacobson discuss whether Marjorie Dawson is real (yes) and her level of hotness (high, especially for an old lady) before reveling in the pipe fellow plumber Smitty has been laying under Solomon's River. They wonder if it meets up with the caves, which Jacobson insists are haunted. They wander.
Smitty, using one of the bathrooms at Miss Marjorie Dawson's mansion, is told by butler Jeeves she requires his presence. She invites him to her bed. He sits. She invites him to touch her thighs. He says the Shake Weight must be working. She demands he "Take [her] now!" Meanwhile, in India...
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi hose off the aged and incontinent Quacky before asking him to translate the scroll he wrote and left with the genie that tells where her father is. Princess Lakshmi has difficulty translating Duck, but finally understands, and is confused because Quacky was invoking the name of Vishnu: "On top of a mountain (quack), at the alter to Vishnu (quack), your father disappeared in a ball of light (quack-quack)." Rajiv is always suspicious of Quacky, but now Princess Lakshmi also doubts this crazy explanation. Despite their questions, they go.
Detective Smegly returns to the Mayor's office where the Mayor and Detective Bustybottoms were recently shot, Bustybottoms' body having disappeared. Detective Smegly tells the suspicious secretary that they need to interview the Mayor because the recovered gun is registered to him (*dramatic music*). The secretary promises to give the Mayor the message, and looks extra suspicious.
Meanwhile, at Big Momma's lair, Angelica has some strange news: their poison candy idea was stolen before they could enact their plan! Big Momma is pleased to has gotten all the blame without the work, but Angelica worries about her being arrested. All they have is an empty factory, so Big Momma suggests blowing it up to throw them off their trail. Angelica says she will also put out a few additional conspiracy theories about Big Momma to throw them off further (like making them believe she is related to Dr. Phil).
The Mayor's secretary visits him in Solomon's River General Hospital. He is weak, and the news about the gun is startling. She insists they will need a plan.
- Where will Smitty's pipes lead Frankie and Jacobson?
- Will Smitty actually touch Marjorie Dawson?
- Can Quacky's recollection of Princess Lakshmi's father being taken up by Vishnu be true?
- What is the Mayor's secretary trying to cover up, and can Detective Smegly uncover it?
- Will Big Momma be taken down by someone else enacting her own un-acted plan?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Tripp announces to his mother, Angelica, that his zombie-themed restaurant hasn't been working since the zombie staff all unionized. Angelica says to just unchain them and let them go, but Tripp has the idea to try an herbal remedy--he will give them some of his "good stuff". The zombie easily uses the bong, with the first hit mellowing him out and allowing him to talk! Tripp says he has a plan.
Meanwhile, Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi's use the key and jewel to open her father's trunk which hums, clicks, and pops out her father's genie, "Uncle Genie"! The genie is unsure of Rajiv, but has instructions to tell Lakshmi where her father is. Unfortunately, the genie doesn't know because he was distracted by garlic, had a magic genie bag over his head, and was hit with a magic genie wrench, all of which were gotten from the Evil Genie. Good news: he can give them a scroll with her father's location. Bad news: Quacky wrote it. Princess Lakshmi takes a bag of duck treats and the gem, and gives Rajiv the key so Uncle Genie must be nice to him. They leave to find Quacky.
Poison candy has already gotten into the market, and a family's children have died. They buy into a conspiracy theory that Big Momma is the secret daughter of Mr. Hershey and blame her for the deaths (though Big Momma's plans haven't even begun being executed yet). The wife gets so frustrated with her husband that she feeds him some candy. He dies.
Miss Marjorie Dawson passes the day with Smitty, and asks to hear about his adventures since they were last together. He said he had a job he had to leave because he "got misplaced". He reveals he had to "lay pipe" for Big Momma, piquing Marjorie's jealousy. He also reveals that he didn't finish the job because he instead heeded Marjorie's call. She says she didn't call him, but rather that he was simply found, wandering around her garden. But what happened?
**doo-di-li-do, doo-di-li-do, doo-di-li-do** (flashback to what happened)
Smitty is digging to lay pipe underground for Big Momma, when his fellow Union workers from Latham's Department Store (Frankie and Jacobson with the lame leg) finally track him down. They were so worried, but they become miffed because Union members can't just leave and get another job! Smitty could be in deep trouble, unless he "compensates" his fellow Union members, so they might overlook the transgression. They suggest an introduction to elderly sexpot Miss Marjorie Dawson! When he refuses to bring them immediately, Frankie and Jacobson hit him with stun guns, spin him in a circle, and give him a disorienting shove.
**doo-di-li-do, doo-di-li-do, doo-di-li-do** (flash-forward back to the conversation in Marjorie's bedroom)
Marjorie becomes very excited by the prospect of all these muscular workers fighting over her. Smitty seems less than thrilled. Jeeves brings lunch and a change of Depends.
- What is Tripp's zombie/pot-related plan, and will it work any better than his previous schemes?
- Can Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv get Quacky to translate the scroll with her father's location?
- Who is this "evil genie", and who is using his services?
- How did the poison candy get out so fast, if Big Momma hasn't even set up her factory yet?
- What will the Union do to Smitty if he doesn't silence the members with "favors" from Marjorie?
- Will Smitty get free of her, and does he even want to?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Marjorie Dawson is using a Shake Weight, given to her by her butler, Jeeves, to boost her calves somehow. Jeeves reports the gardener reported a man lurking in the garden who claimed to know her. Jeeves has security bring him up: it's Smitty! She kisses and fawns over him. The workers leave, and Marjorie asks Smitty to "demonstrate the Shake Weight".
Meanwhile, at Princess Lakshmi's familial mansion in India, Rajiv follows a trail of duck food and finds Quacky eating and pooping, which leads to the lucky discovery of the gem they need! He finds Lakshmi in the third kitchen, just having finished up fruitless cavity searches of all palace employees. They leave to try the jewel and key combo on her father's trunk.
Angelica has bad news for Big Momma: she cannot find Smitty the Plumber. It's a problem because Big Momma wants a plumber, though it's a solution for Angelica who would otherwise have to kill him. The Uber Minion calls to check on the status of Smitty, and Angelica hedges that "he's gone". Uber Minion orders her to meet him later. Angelica suggests to Big Momma that she try implementing a plan that's not so evil, to stop making so many enemies. Big Momma will design "Big Momma Candy", which seems nice, until she says that the candy will be poison so they can have Solomon's River all to themselves. "Especially for the little children on Halloween!" says Big Momma. Instead of Sugar Daddies, they'll make "Little Poppas", Snickers will be "Grunts", and 3 Musketeers will be "Diabolical Twins", and all...will...DIE!
- Does Smitty enjoy being with Marjorie? If not, can he even get away?
- What will the jewel and key reveal in the trunk that may reveal what happened to Lakshmi's father?
- Will Uber Minion find out Angelica didn't actually kill Smitty, but just misplaced him?
- Will Big Momma's plan to kill everyone on Halloween actually work?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
The Committee for a Better Solomon's River arrives early for their appointment with the Mayor. His secretary enters the Mayor's office just as a woman (tied at the wrists) runs out screaming. The Mayor has been shot! The CBSR worries they won't get their red bike lanes. EMTs hold back their joy long enough to drag the Mayor to the hospital. One EMT notices there's enough blood for two people. The Mayor manages to signal that Lieutenant Bustybottoms had also been shot, though his body is now missing.
In India, Rajiv continues his "not-dancing" lessons, but Princess Lakshmi is too upset about her missing father, so they look for clues. The go to check his well-guarded rooms. Quacky waddles over with a note in his beak: a message from her father! In the form of a song. Quacky tries to quack out a beat, but shits himself. The note tells the reader that if they find him missing, there is a chest in his room, for which there is a well-hidden key and a jewel. Rajiv notices a glint in Quacky pile: a key! Lakshmi cleans it off orally, and they go to find the chest.
A fancy phone rings in Marjorie Dawson's posh room: it's a call from Big Momma. Angelica sweeps in to grab the phone before Big Momma can dig out any suspicious details. Angelica had called Marjorie, hoping she had seen Smitty. Marjorie, unfortunately, is also looking for Smitty. She asks Angelica to let Smitty know that she "doesn't regret [their] deal" and that she needs more "plumbing". Angelica asks to be informed of Smitty's reappearance as well. She tells Big Momma it's because they still need plumbing for Lake Superior, but her aside indicates she needs to kill him.
- Will the Mayor survive being shot?
- Will Bustybottoms survive, and where is he?
- Who was that woman, was she justified in her shooting, and will she ever be seen again?
- Will the CBSR get their red bike lanes?
- Will Quacky's pooped-out key open a chest that reveals a clue? Is there still a jewel in Quacky's colon?
- Where is Smitty?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv, reunited after a brief kidnapping and imposter-ing by Rojav, are now back on track to investigate what happened to her father, who had also been imposter-ed back in the US. On her parents' estate in India, she urges Rajiv to look like a prince as there are cameras everywhere, and she warns him that at any moment, her parents' staff might jump into a musical number and that Rajiv would have to be the lead. She tries to teach him some moves, and his insecurity over not being part of "the elite" comes out. Suddenly, Princess Lakshmi's childhood pet, a duck named Quacky, waddles by. Amazed that a possibly 35-year-old duck is still alive, she pets him, and Quacky pecks at Rajiv, before waddling away. They continue into the palace.
Office Manager Gladys warns her lover Jerome that his plot has been found out by her boss, Mr. Sampson. As she shows Jerome the incriminating documents, Mr. Sampson enters, indicating that he hasn't read the papers yet and asks Gladys to summarize them. Mr. Sampson leaves, and they agree that the only way to get controlling interest in the business is to kill him. Jerome's words seem to indicate that he might not be completely willing to share the controlling interest with Gladys, though she agrees to his plan.
Angelica finds Big Momma taking a bath in her newly installed walk-in tub. They reminisce about the Amish boy who briefly showed up to build a barn and whose babies Big Momma may or may not have sacrificed to get more power. Big Momma says the barn burned and the Amish guy has not been found. Angelica asks if she has any new orders, and then, casually, asks about Smitty the plumber. Angelica's cell phone rings, and it is the Uber Minion, asking about that very plumber! She covers, and Uber Minion gives her instructions to meet him the next day, in the park, under the big tree. Big Momma says she would like to see the plumber herself, as the "Mister Bubble" bubbles aren't very bubbly. Angelica offers to find Smitty, who will be dying to come and help!
- Can Rajiv make it seem like he is a prince well enough to fool Princess Lakshmi's mother?
- How long do ducks live?
- Will Jerome and Gladys manage to kill the seemingly clueless Mr. Sampson and get away with it?
- Will Gladys even be satisfied with her new position if they do?
- Where is Smitty the plumber, and can Angelica kill him?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Uber Minion secretly meets with Angelica (as his Sub-Minion) to get the scoop on Big Momma's next move, and Angelica reveals she has a plumber to pipe Lake Superior into Solomon's River, since the contractors and white supremacists didn't work out. Uber Minion's plan: to get Lake Superior first! Step one: kill the plumber. He gives Angelica a shotgun. Sparky, the Uber Minion's inbred Hound of Hell, irritates Angelica until she leaves. Spraky, who is actually robotic, is also a little glitchy, or, perhaps, has a low battery.
Meanwhile, in India, Princess Lakshmi has searched the entire airport for Rajiv who had been hidden in a locker by his evil twin, Rojav. She finally hears his muffled calling from a locker whose key, apparently, is locked inside. Determining he needs to be cut free, she cleverly calls in a bomb threat from a pay phone, indicating that a suspicious white person had been seen hear the lockers. The New Delhi airport police bring in their bomb-sniffing dingo, crack open the locker, release Rajiv who really needs to pee, and search him for a bomb. Rajiv runs to the restroom and the airport police don't bother searching any further.
Rajiv and Lakshmi are finally reunited! She tests him to be sure it is really him, and it is! She reveals that he had been conked on the head by Rojav, interfering in their lives once again.
McShane is at his party, thrown by Tommy and Sally. He is a good sport about the party, but is slightly taken aback when Tommy and Sally ask him to be the father of their child. Sally holds McShane's hand, and believes that's all it takes. Tommy and Sally await their new baby.
- Will Angelica be able to kill Smitty the plumber?
- Will Uber Minion steal Lake Superior out from under Big Momma's nose?
- What's up with the robot dog, and all the additional howling?
- What does Rojav want, and can Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi get over him being in their lives again?
- What will Tommy and Sally do once they realize she's not pregnant...unless she is?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
An elderly woman, Marjorie Dawson, has her butler prepare tea and crumpets in advance of her seduction of Smitty. She says Smitty has a power she has not seen in twenty years and it's one she "wants to take advantage of". The woman's daughter, Charlene, is taken away "for a snack". Smitty rings the bell and is mildly baffled at the woman's energy.
Meanwhile, back at Latham's, Smitty's fellow janitorial workers, Frankie and Jacobson, need Smitty to help organize the Union, since the store wants to unfairly fire Smitty. Frankie has a photogenic memory and knows the address of the Red Hat Lady that was so taken by Santa Smitty. Outside Latham's, a news crew led by Barbie the Reporter interviews picketers, who are from the SRCC (Solomon's River Community College) and are protesting the "White Sale", believing it to be racist--not because of the color, but because of workers in Thailand. The cameraman says they can use the footage for a "dumb sorority girl" story.
In the bedroom of Marjorie, the Red Hat Lady, Smitty is uncomfortably invited to make himself comfortable. She knows he's going to be fired and she makes him an offer: do the plumbing. Her employer uses the pipes for communication and needs them fixed. Outside the window, Frankie has climbed up and sees his friend laying on a bed and getting a pile of money from an old woman. In shock, he falls and lands on Jacobson, re-breaking his elevator-injured leg. Frankie doesn't get to hear the Red Hat Lady call her employer...Big Momma! Marjorie tells Angelica that she was asked to find a plumber for Big Momma, probably to use for draining Lake Superior into Solomon's River. Angelica asks Marjorie to bring Smitty to a Tom Hootons coffee shop.
Later, at the Tom Hootons, Angelica meets Marjorie and gives her payment. Mr. Schmidt Smitty is led away by Angelica, to lay some big pipe.
- Does Marjorie know or care how Smitty will be used by Big Momma?
- Will Frankie and Jacobson manage to organize the Union to help Smitty?
- Will Smitty really be able to re-pipe a Great Lake?
- Who, exactly, is using pipes as a method of communication?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi wonder where her father's 7-11 impostor has gotten to, how he managed to look like her father, and where her actual parents have gone! They decide to investigate in India.
Two young people are hacking the cyborg locust swarm, and, with the touch of a button on his new app, one can get the locusts to turn on each other. To make money, he comes up with the idea of a $.99 download where every person buys a locust (painted or numbered to indicate the buyer) and whichever locust is the last surviving cyborg, wins! Mother delivers them lemonade and gets locked in with her son's friend for 20 minutes.
Dr. Scarlett gathers all remaining workers, declares them nurses and tells them to do all the work. Most aren't nurses, but one is actually a doctor, Dr. Richardson, who bravely takes on sponge bathing the patient Sammy in room 204. Dr. Scarlett warns: Sammy is handsy, talks to his teddy bear (Eddie) in rhyme, and will forcibly offer candy: don't take any! Eddie speaks to the patient, encouraging bad ideas and reinforcing paranoia. Sammy rubs candy on his balls and tries to force Dr. Richardson to eat it. Luckily for the doctor, he is paged by the loudspeaker. Unluckily for the doctor, he still tasted a little candy.
Angelica has only two hours to decide between Big Momma and Uber Minion, who sweetens the pot with additional benefits. Angelica goes to Big Momma to help with her decision. Her contract is nearly up and Big Momma's benefits are: you get to live. Big Momma says Angelica can take her new job...and be a double agent! The plan is to fake kill Big Momma, using sparrow's blood on a knife for proof, and then report back all plans. Angelica wants to live, so she agrees.
- What will Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi find in India?
- Will the two programmers get rich off their locust-fighting ring?
- How will Dr. Richardson do the work of all the missing qualified nurses?
- Will Sammy ever get out of the hospital?
- Can Angelica have the best of both worlds: live AND have a job with benefits?
- What will Big Momma do with her new information?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Tripp and Jeff return from an important mission to buy explosives for Big Momma's trench/Native American blow-out, but they only have a lavender-vanilla Yankee Candle to show for it. Tripp's mother, Angelica, mistakes the candle for the dynamite they were supposed to buy, thinking it must be one excellent stick for the money. She plans to put it secretly on Native lands, blowing them up, securing Big Momma's trench, and getting her son and friend accolades. Tripp just gets the idea that they can sneak onto the reservation to buy themselves "some good stuff".
An evil laugh floats on a foul wind to Angelica: the self-styled "Uber Minion", who tried to eliminate Angelica to become Big Momma's only minion! He has returned, not with vengeance, but with an offer to join forces! He wants to dethrone Big Momma, which shocks Angelica. Angelica brags about the explosives that will finally complete Big Momma's plans! Unfortunately, a pizza delivery person interrupts them and unexpectedly whips out a lighter and lights up the candle. Angelica braces for the explosion, and everyone else relaxes with the lavender-vanilla. Angelica goes in search of her son. Uber Minion says he'll be waiting for her to join him...
Local weatherman Jeffrey Barber announces a plague of locusts about to swarm Solomon's River.
An old couple watching the report, Grandma and Grandpa, try to remember the last plague in aught-four. They grab their Bibles to pray and Grandpa notices some pages have been chewed out by their granddaughter, who should be changing Great-Grandpa. Grandma opens the door and locust swarm, eating them all down to skeletons.
The locust swarm continues to sweep across Solomon's River, closer and closer to the city proper.
A local hardware store tries to take advantage of the plague by discounting flamethrowers.
- What will Angelica do when confronting Tripp about the Yankee Candle?
- Will Tripp and Jeff find a mighty high on the reservation?
- Is Big Momma's time truly done, and is the Uber Minion strong enough to take her place?
- What's up with the plague of flesh-eating locusts?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv reveals to Princess Lakshmi that Magnus Adversson would give them all his money if Rajiv would kill him. They are horrified...and intrigued. It is a lot of money.
Spirit Animal Raccoon advises Native American Steve that a quest of killing Big Momma is a little out of his reach and that maybe Steve should just give her a flat tire. Spirit Animal Raccoon is rushing because there has been a rounding up of raccoons recently, and he wants to finish this vision quest so he can get out of Solomon's River. Steve, however, will not be hurried, possibly because he's been sniffing tire air, and possibly because he's trying to remember how and why he was in a tent.
Meanwhile, in a long-term nursing care facility, the nurse who has been caring for Patient Steve for the past eight years checks on him, now that she has turned down the incapacitating medication (unbeknownst to whoever has hidden him away). Finally, Steve is freed from the powerful narcotic and can answer her questions that his redacted medical records cannot: Why did someone do this to him, and who is that someone? Steve's memory is still hazy, but the JELLO is delicious. Suddenly, a woman leaps into the room, knocks the nurse on the head, and tells Steve that it's time to go to a rendezvous. This Steve will also not be hurried, as there is still JELLO left.
Angelica reports to Big Momma that the newly acquired son of Judge Graft, Ezekiel, has built four barns already and is showing no signs of stopping. She asks Big Momma why they want such an idiot, and Big Momma reveals her plans, which will put her into full Evil Mode: to force Ezekiel to have babies so they may sacrifice them in front of him. Angelica goes to check which way he swings, and to hopefully find some trashy Lowertown women to impregnate.
- Will Rajiv actually kill Magnus Adversson, by request, to inherit his money?
- Can Spirit Animal Raccoon manage to finish a vision quest, ANY vision quest, to get out of Solomon's River before he's captured and tested for VD?
- Who is Patient Steve, and how did the lady know that the nurse had secretly lowered his medication?
- Will Ezekiel make babies upon request, and what will sacrificing them do for Big Momma?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up on...Solomon's River!
Judge Graft visits Big Momma with Ezekiel, his first born son (from the month of June). Graft wants to exchange the barn-raising twenty-something for a campaign boost. Ezekiel is stoically scared, but Angelica lets him build a barn out back to calm him down. Graft is upset that the Jewish god Gigi has been supporting his Native American opponent, and he asks for an equal donation from Big Momma of $500,000. They give him $600,000 and he promises that any cases they need won or lost, he will help.
Princess Lakshmi changes Rajiv's adult diaper in a gap between the gun-happy robbers who seem to outnumber actual shoppers in the 7-11. She promises that he won't have to work there much longer as, secretly, her plan to expose her fake father is nearly complete. Lakshmi attends to the Diaper Genie as a customer enters: Magnus Adversson! Magnus and Rajiv harass each other for a while, and Magnus laments how old and tired he is. He needs someone to whom he can pass on his fortune, and Rajiv is more than willing; however, there is a catch: Magnus needs Rajiv to kill him!
A country bumpkin, Jeff Bob, enters Solomon's River General Hospital and finds no one except Gabby Plotpoint, the janitor. Jeff Bob has three choices: across the street with all the good nurses, down the hill to the warehouse with Dr. Scarlett and some not-so-good nurses, or the nursing home.
Dr. Scarlett's nurses were supposed to find patients, but only managed to get one nurse maced. The country bumpkin enters and Dr. Scarlett gets Nurse Steve to triage the man. Jeff Bob, had been married to Steve's sister Laverne for 20 years. He has been living in the woods the last 10 years and got an infection from lusting after "coon tang". Nurse Steve takes blood pressure poorly and another nurse recognizes the raccoon scratches and informs Jeff Bob that in order to treat him properly for rabies (and VD?) he needs to find the actual raccoon that scratched him. Jeff Bob says that he's been with so many raccoons, he can't possibly say which did it, so they'll have to gather ALL the raccoons. Nurse Steve lets Jeff Bob scoop up his own pain killers (Vicodin) and leaves for a smoke.
Brother Offenshitz has grown disillusioned with Brother Chiliwang's godlike powers (given to him by Princess Eveleen in the form of a stone up the nose) and he is leaving. Chiliwang, feeling superior, says that if he leaves, he can never return. Offenshitz smacks Chiliwang on the back of the head, finally dislodging the stone and relieving Chiliwang of the god-powers!
- What will Big Momma do with Ezekiel and what favors will she ask for from Judge Graft?
- Will Graft now win his reelection campaign against his Native American opponent?
- How will Lakshmi expose the father imposter?
- Will Rajiv kill Magnus for an inheritance?
- Can "all the raccoons" be gathered?
- What will become of the suddenly un-endowed Chiliwang?
- Does the god-stone still have powers?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Tripp and his friend Jeff are rummaging around his old bar The Dead Canary, hoping to find some salvage. To his surprise, his mother, Angelica, is alive and even has a job for them! Angelica give them a "fat wad" to buy explosives from some guy on C Street...in Lowertown (he is one of the only sad men left in the place run by women). They are to buy the explosives and set them up on the Reservation to help eliminate the opposition to Big Momma's plans for a Lake Superior trench.
Tripp and Jeff are having trouble remembering so many steps, but they manage to get to Lowertown and find a man, Bobby, who will point them to Donnie for $20. Bobby out-thinks them easily and takes a good chunk of their money. He also warns them to only look at Donnie's good eye, be patient with his speech impediment, and don't ask him about his porcelain collection. Two steps away is Donnie's where he shows them a sample explosion, and for $50 they can have their own. Jeff, unfortunately, lost his portion of the money, and Tripp gave all his to Bobby. Tripp asks if there can be an exchange of goods instead, and Donnie says he would trade for Ecstasy.
Judge Graft asks his Court Reporter if she can get a hold of Big Momma. He needs some...extra help...for the upcoming election, especially since he believes his opponent has been getting divine help from Gigi, the Jewish Diety, who is supporting the Native Americans. A quick text makes him an appointment, but to actually get the help, Judge Graft is going to owe Big Momma.
Later, at Big Momma's, there is a battle of the wills between Judge Graft and Big Momma herself. To get her price, she asks how many children the judge has, which turns out to be as many as 23 unacknowledged. She wants the first born in each month, which turns out to be just one (nine months earlier is Graft's busy time.) Graft promises to get him.
Meanwhile, at the 7-11, Rajiv has been robbed again and is reporting to Officer Maria. Princess Lakshmi enters and invites the officer to an upcoming lingerie and sex toy party--cheap because they're used! Officer Maria is having trouble getting good information from Rajiv, who has been repeatedly traumatized, so they watch the security footage. They see Rajiv wet himself and fork over the money. On his way out, the hoodie-wearing robber lights a cigarette with his "gun" as he leaves. After Officer Maria leaves and Rajiv goes to change his pants, Lakshmi watches the video again because the robber looks familiar--it is the white guy who has been pretending to be her father! She keeps it a secret and promises to catch the man herself.
- Will Tripp and Jeff be able to trade Ecstasy for explosives from a 12-year-old?
- Who is Judge Graft's unacknowledged first born, and what will Big Momma do with him?
- Will the Native Americans be able to stop the Lake Superior trench, or even survive with so many people set against them?
- Can Princess Lakshmi set up a sting operation and catch the Poppa impersonator robbing the 7-11 stores he says he owns?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi are upset at the altered state of his coffeehouse. Tripp, the guy who took over the shop while they were in Greece and turned it into a zombie-themed bar, finds them, ties them up, and tries to get them to behave like zombies. Tripp and his assistant are forced to leave by the arrival of a real zombie, whom Rajiv hires as a cleaning person to help restore his shop. Rajiv and the Princess enjoy being tied up for a while.
Meanwhile, Angelica updates Big Momma on the progress of Lake Superior towards Solomon's River. The Crew Foreman arrives to complain that "Injuns" are in the way. Big Momma recommends getting TNT and blowing them up. Crew Foreman and Big Momma have a clash of personalities and, unbeknownst to him, the Foreman is lucky to leave un-cursed.
McShane wanders the woods, still trying to find Tommy and Sally, who he simultaneously wishes would hold still AND go away forever. In a slightly different part of the woods, Tommy and Sally manage to find each other and remember they wanted to kill Dr. Scarlett for killing their baby (unbeknownst to them, there never was a baby since they have misunderstood how sex works.) They go to find a killing stick.
The Court Reporter previews the next case to Judge Graft: a divorce between the French Matron Tilapia and her new, young beau Trevor, married for only 3 months. Trevor wants her money but there is an air-tight prenup. Matron Tilapia recognizes Trevor as an idiot, and Trevor needs to leave to do his AP Calculus homework (he is in 12th grade plus 3). Judge Graft grants the divorce and moves to arrest the Matron Tilapia for possible pedophilia, when in walks the former Mr. Tilapia, who they all thought was dead! The court sucks wind in surprise. It turns out Mr. Tilapia is also an idiot. Judge Graft throws them all in jail.
- Will Tripp just meekly let somebody take over the bar that he took over?
- Is coexistence with zombies possible?
- What happens when an indigenous people is blown up?
- Will the Crew Foreman escape the wrath of Big Momma if he fails?
- Can McShane ever find Tommy and Sally, and does he really want to?
- Is Dr. Scarlett's life truly in danger?
- What will Judge Graft do to the Tilapias and Trevor?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv is frustrated after Magnus Adversson's unwillingness to produce the antidote to Rajiv's extreme anti-aging spit, and tries to get Princess Lakshmi on board with searching Magnus' Grecian mansion, but the princess' regression has reached a critical level and her infancy regresses...into an embryo! Rajiv picks her up in a tissue and goes to find a jar.
McShane is loving his new job as a school custodian. As he bends to scrape gum off the floor, disembodied voices call to him, "McShane! We're lost and scared! We might die because of you!" Guilt forces him to ask for a vacation so he can search for Tommy and Sally in the woods.
Tripp and a friend break into Rajiv's Coffee House to steal the copper pipes. Groaning floats up to them from the basement trap door and gives Tripp a brainstorm: open a zombie-themed bar! He figures they'll work for brains.
Angelica debriefs Big Momma on the progression of Lake Superior to Solomon's River which is being blocked by Native American protesters. Angelica believes she can get the White Folk to fight the Native Americans simply because of racial bias...as long as they don't find out Big Momma herself is a lovely shade of burnished copper. Angelica further suggests a curse on the natives. Big Momma says to cause fire in the tee-pees and trailer homes, blow up the mansions and gas stations, and cause the crops to fail. Angelica leaves to get the components to cast the curse.
Exploring the woods for Tommy and Sally is just as frustrating as it ever was for McShane and voices echo ominously.
Kevin and Zeb hide in his closet to his from the recently summoned Jewish deity Gigi. They think controlling her might be easier than killing her outright; however, the time isn't right for Kevin's motion-magic and they'll have to keep Gigi in the basement until the moon is full and hope she doesn't cause too much trouble in those seventeen days.
- Will Rajiv be able to save the embryonic Princess Lakshmi?
- Are zombies still cool enough to make Tripp's bar successful?
- What will the Native Americans do if Big Momma's curse works?
- What will the Angry White Folk do if they find out Big Momma herself isn't white?
- Will McShane save Tommy and Sally to assuage his guilt, or will he die trying?
- Can new magician Kevin control a deity?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Angelica reports her progress towards bringing Lake Superior to Solomon's River to Big Momma, but one of the contractors says they've run into Native American troubles, preventing them from digging through burial grounds. Big Momma gets angry and instructs Angelica to fight their tire fires with... more tire fires.
Jeremy (of the indestructible beard) and huddles with his friend to gripe about how all the teachers are now incredibly attracted to his beard. Meanwhile, Claire the teacher, Chet the security guard, and Seth the chemistry teacher drool over memories of the beard--they really can't get enough! Seth points in the direction of the class-skipping Jeremy, Chet grabs his gun, and they vow to get the boy so they can touch his beard!
Princess Lakshmi pops out of Rajiv's backpack as they take a gas station egg salad and Dr. Pibb break from heading to the airport. Unfortunately, Rajiv's credit card is declined and the clerk is suspicious of Rajiv's backpack full of what appears to be a little girl who swears she is Rajiv's lover. When the clerk turns his back, they run away.
A snotty girl named Phlogiston hangs out with her friends Megan and Sylvia. Megan is really good at the phone game Yogiman Po, where you trap creatures and make them as poor as possible. A boy arrives and says the game is "so last week" and that Monopoly is the coolest game now. The boy says two of the three girls are cool enough to join him, leaving Phlogiston behind, swearing revenge.
Brother Chiliwang burns with the power of Princess Evaleene! Brother Offenshitz tries to squeeze the rock of power out of Chiliwang's nose, but it is stuck. Chiliwang hears the voice of Evaleene say, "There are too many people!" Chiliwang understands that Evaleene wants the Brothers to bring a flood upon the people of Solomon's River, killing them all! The Brothers are worried: how do you stop a deity? Brother Offenshitz knows: the only way to get rid of one deity, is to get another.
Dr. Scarlet calls together all the nurses, freshly back from their treatment after being subjected to the NurseNudistNeoNaziNarcanon-anado. Nurse, Nurse Ratched, Nurse Phlebotomy, Nurse Matriculation, Nurse Peels, Nurse Sparkle, and more gather for Dr. Scarlet's announcement: he is retiring as Chief Surgeon. Nurse is shocked, but the rest of the nurses applaud. Dr. Scarlet says his replacement, Dr. Marbles, will be arriving later, and asks the nurses to show him the ropes.
- Will Angelica's tire fires or the Native Americans' tire fires win the day?
- How will Rajiv get Lakshmi to Greece for treatment without a working credit card?
- Can Jeremy get away from the beard-obsessed teachers? How strong will his beard powers become?
- Will Monopoly really be the Next Big Thing?
- What kind of deity can stop Princess Evaleene from making the Brothers flood Solomon's River and killing everyone? Are Big Momma's plans to bring Lake Superior to Solomon's River part of the god's larger plan?
- What will Dr. Scarlet do in retirement?
- Who is the new Chief Surgeon, Dr. Marbles, and is he as young, rich, and available as the nurses are hoping?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv tells Princess Lakshmi that Magnus Adversson's scientists may have an age-reversal-reversal formula in as soon as ten years. She insists they return her to her actual age (improbably 27) ASAP! Lakshmi reminds Rajiv that keeping her locked in the basement was exactly what drove her away from him and accidentally into the arms of his evil twin, Rojav. Rajiv laments he still has not gotten revenge on his brother for the Las Vegas Incident.
Cool 8th grader Jeremy ditches class with his friend Miller to smoke behind the school. Jeremy shows off his indestructible beard and Miller wants one! Jeremy promises he can find the woman who gave him his Super Beard. The boys are shooed away by Chet, the put-upon Sheriff's Deputy on duty.
Deputy Chet returns to the school for a break. Teacher Claire commiserates over coffee when chemistry teacher, Seth, shuffles in, groaning ominously. Claire and Chet chalk it up to an inability to retire and they wish the kids had been smoking weed for "confiscation". They seek janitor Charlie in the school basement who might have some stink weed. Charlie grows his own and Claire buys $14 worth of "the good stuff". She sprinkles it in her coffee, shares with Chet, and they praise Charlie before they all take off for the bakery.
Following Big Momma's orders, minion Angelica negotiates with a construction contractor for a large project: bring Solomon's River to the banks of Lake Superior, or, to be more accurate, bring Lake Superior to Solomon's River by digging a 250-mile trench. Angelica shows her projected map: through a large green area, houses, a river, a reservation, Federal land, etc. In lieu of proper paperwork, Angelica uses magical Twinkle Fingers to get ten guys with a backhoe to dig day and night.
Home from middle school, Miller gets in trouble with his father who got a call from the principal. Miller's father hits him for hanging around bad kids like the bearded Jeremy. Why does he hit? Because that's the way he was raised! Miller's grandfather, Pappy, enters to berate Miller's father for raising a bad son. Pappy hits Father. Father hits Miller. Miller hits the dog and is praised by Father and Pappy. Miller sasses. Pappy hits Father for having a kid who sasses. Father hits Miller for sassing. Father forbids Miller to see Jeremy. Miller promises he'll hit Jeremy. Proud Father and Pappy give Miller the family baseball bat with nails on the end.
- Will Princess Lakshmi have to go through puberty again, or will Magnus' Geneva scientists find the cure to zombie-incoulation-super-power-age-reversal-spit?
- Are there zombies in the middle school? If so, what will happen if the security, teaching, and janitorial staff are all high?
- Can ten men dig a 250-mile long trench without being noticed?
- Will Jeremy get Brendisha Scarf to inoculate middle schoolers?
- Will Miller betray his friend, or will he betray his family?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Co-ed Jessica is manning the voter registration desk and desperately trying to get personal information from tight-lipped zombies. Name, address, and district escape them, but Jessica's brains don't. She is eaten.
Rajiv pleads with the unusually young Princess Lakshmi to understand: he doesn't want to be a child molester. She wants him as a man, and he wants her to have an early bedtime. A threatened spanking nearly brings their desires together, but Rajiv wins out when a customer enters, forcing Lakshmi into the basement again. Magnus Adversson orders a rhubarb pie with youth-inducing Rajiv spit. As a suddenly younger Magnus, Rajiv has him sign a contract for youth-spit research in Geneva, and Lakshmi reminds Rajiv she would also like a reverse formula so she can get back to normal.
Angelica returns to her mistress after having been kidnapped and nearly killed by the Uber Minion. Establishing herself as Uber Minion, Angelica asks for new instructions, and Mistress says, "Let the town of Solomon's River be on the shores of Lake Superior!" Angelica figures moving the lake will be easier than moving the town and she begins drafting plans.
Reporter Anabelle Anderson of WWSR brings breaking news: a voter registration volunteer had the stop of her head chewed off. A "down-home" eye witness reports what she saw in a way that she hopes will get her an autotuned song for her fifteen minutes of fame.
In their backwoods cabin, Bartholomew begs Cletus to help him find the lost girl they lost again. Cletus strains to think though his hunger, but maintains he sees the girl in a bush. Sally runs through their weak grasps.
Meanwhile, at the police station, Deputy George interviews a woman reporting she was inappropriately touched on the head and hand. She describes the perp: very pale, dark hair that came down in a point, pointy sideburns, like Spock, but regular ears, perhaps pointy teeth... She screams as Lieutenant Bustybottoms enters. The Lieutenant has a similar smell: cologne and feet. Bustybottoms admits he likes to smoke Indian cigarettes and they figure the perp must, too. The woman says the man "disappeared in a twinkle of light" and demands he be brought down the station...so he can touch her again!
- Is co-ed Jessica fully digested, or will she return as a zombie? Will that help her communicate better with the zombie population?
- How fast can Magnus' scientists recreate the youth-spit, and can they make it reversible?
- What will Bartholomew and Cletus do when and if they ever recapture Sally?
- Can Deputy George catch the touchy-feely criminal?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Bobby McMasterfaster, new to the bustling Solomon's River and still happy-go-lucky and full of hope, looks to rent a storefront for his new barber shop. Landlord Sean and his harpy wife agree to rent to him because they need the money.
Elsewhere, the Princess Evaleene is holding an audience for her supplicants who are ready to do her bidding. After dancing and meditation, Princess Evaleene glows and springs extra arms! The devotees praise her and ask instructions. An unusually deep voice emanates from the Princess, "You must bring me the child!" Which child? "Tuesday's child!" They promise to do her bidding as she flies off, mysteriously.
At Mason Brothers Moving Company, Franny Mason's employee, Tripp, has gotten word that his mother may have been packed away in one of the boxes from the former bar, The Dead Canary. They leave to check, but do not know they are too late, because...
...in a truck headed far, far from Solomon's River, a woman with a thick foreign accent awakes to find herself in a box. The woman, Tripp's mother and minion Angelica, doesn't know that her rival, Uber Minion, is the driver! After he leaves to pee at a rest stop, she digs out her emergency box cutter. Angelica just manages to roll open and closed the truck's rear door when Uber Minion returns from the bathroom. As he drives away with her gripping the back of the truck, she swears she will get him when next he has to pee.
Young, giggly Lindsey Makesweaty has trouble learning how to sweep, but patient barber Bobby McMasterfaster hires her anyway. A mother enters with her extremely bearded twelve year old son. She wants it off, immediately; however, the youngster's beard is tougher to remove than is anticipated. Lindsey tries using the broom, but only manages to knock the poor, hairy kid unconscious. Three hours of clipping, razoring, and depilating have proven futile. The mother jumps to the conclusion that it must be anabolic steroids, but she doesn't know that the previous day, her as-yet beardless boy went to Brendeesha Scarf's laboratory, wanting to become the Coolest Kid in School. Unethically, she gives him the anti-zombie (pro-superhero) potion.
Meanwhile, in the Solomon's River fifth grade girl's bathroom, a nameless snob and Allison, the coolest girl in the whole school who also has boobs, shun Stinky Marsha, discuss fifth grade boys, and wish those same boys were older. A geeky kid asks to use the bathroom, as he's not feeling well.
Princess Lakshmi has discovered her powers are increasing and she shows Rajiv by lifting a VW bus. She posits that the anti-zombie-ism potion they took may also have given Rajiv super strength. He tries to lift the Volkswagen, but his power is definitely not strength.
- Will Bobby McMasterfaster's barber shop hold up under the hope-drain that is Solomon's River?
- Who is "Tuesday's child" and what does Princess Evaleene want with him or her?
- Where is Uber Minion taking Angelica, and will she be able to take him down?
- Will Angelica's son Tripp discover she has been minion-napped?
- How many people has Brendeesha Scarf dosed with potions?
- What will become of the Soft-but-Tough-Beard Boy?
- Are Princess Lakshmi's powers permanent?
- What is Rajiv's power?
- Does the potion even inoculate against zombie-ism?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make
it all up in, Solomon's River!
