It's time for Solomon's River's most popular cable-access TV show, Cut-Blow, hosted by Taiwanese Exchange student Whitney Shears, where viewers get to watch real hair salon action. 12 year old Jeremy, who has the zombie-inoculation-induced uncuttable beard, is in the chair. They avoid the beard and trim his hair, color and gossip about Mrs. Tilapia and Judge Graft, who is nothing but bad news. The only gossip Jeremy has is that the Bailiff, a neighbor of his, touched him inappropriately. Some kids in the audience shout confessions that they, too, have been touched by the Bailiff. The hosts, not being mandatory reporters, move on to other gossip, including that the stylist heard there were zombie-reversal ice cubes for sale on Amazon. The audience cheers.
Rajiv has applied to every fast food joint in Solomon's River and Princess Lakshmi says it's time she asks her royal parents for a favor: get Rajiv a job. Princess Lakshmi Skypes and finds her Papa is now into franchising 7-11s and that she should send Rajiv over in the morning.
Bailiff's girlfriend has been pregnant for three days and Judge Graft thinks he is being taken advantage of. Mrs. Tilapia laments that the police department doesn't listen to her. The Court Reporter reports that Mrs. Tilapia is, however, trending online, though the denizens of Solomon's River don't know she's "a furriner" yet. Judge Graft orders Mrs. Tilapia to arrest two people every day, which he believes will boost her respect AND get him court business.
A former zombie appears in court with Jessica, the co-ed who was registering zombies to vote. The former zombie is upset because now he doesn't know if his registration is valid, now that his zombism has gone away. He says some guy gave him a water bottle, he drank, and just sort of woke up okay. Judge Graft declares him undead, which gets confusing: it is "undead" or "un-dead". Mrs. Tilapia's first arrest of the day is Jessica, for illegal voter registration. Her second arrest is the former zombie for eating brains.
- Will Jeremy's uncuttable beard become manageable now that others' superpowers have been wearing off?
- Will anyone investigate the Bailiff, and how old is his girlfriend, anyway?
- Why does a princess' father franchise 7-11s?
- What kind of job will Rajiv get from Princess Lakshmi's father?
- Will Mrs. Tilapia remain popular after she arrests two people every day?
- What will happen to Jessica, a co-ed in jail?
- Are zombies finally disappearing for good?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi, tied up by Tripp in Rajiv's Coffeehouse that Tripp turned into a zombie-themed bar, are finally free, and the Princess is finally back to her actual age. Instead of making another stand, Rajiv convinces the Princess that giving up is a better option.
Judge Graft brings in Mr. Tilapia, without his wife, for an off-the-record threat that he leave Solomon's River forever, or else. Detective Smegley enters to petition Judge Graft for more police officers, since the Mayor has banned hiring. To help, Judge Graft brings in Mrs. Tilapia and makes her Detective Smegley's boss: the Chief of Police!
Mrs. Tilapia engages the Court Reporter to make the online announcement, and the Court Reporter passes along some Solomon's River history--Chiefs of Police don't ever last very long. The Court Reporter also warns that now that Judge Graft has done two favors for Mrs. Tilapia, he may come to her in the future for favors, like hiding bodies or maybe...the other thing. Mrs. Tilapia claims she's good at both.
A zombie shuffles into a laboratory, completing an experiment. He drinks from a test tube and...he's suddenly verbal again. "Mommy!" he cries, running from the room.
Brother Offenshitz consults Brother Chiliwang for insights from having Princess Evaleen's god-power stone up his nose. Chiliwang sees that the Jewish Deity Gigi is strangely absent, but there is an ever greater power coming in the form of a great battle between Big Momma and the Native Americans. The Brothers discover the stone will not come out until Chiliwang fulfills his destiny, whatever that may be. Chiliwang must leave the mountain and consult the Native Americans to find out what they will do. Offenshitz packs Chilliwang's runch.
FBI agents Cribbins and Maxwell visit Judge Graft looking for Mr. Tilapia, and learn he was released and told to leave Solomon's River forever. Agent Maxwell reveals that Mr. Tilapia had been under witness protection. Agent Maxwell trains new Agent Cribbins to question judgment. Bailiff says he gave Mr. Tilapia a ticket to Shitheadville (shi-teed-ville) the next town over. When the agents exit, Judge Graft instructs Bailiff to make sure they leave town.
- What will Rajiv and the Princess Lakshmi do for work?
- Can Detective Smegley work with a boss like Mrs. Tilapia, and can Mrs. Tilapia survive as Chief of Police?
- Has a zombie found a cure for zombism? How will that affect Tripp's zombie-themed bar?
- What is Brother Chilliwang's destiny?
- Will Cribbins and Maxwell find Mr. Tilapia in Shitheadville, and why was he under witness protection?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi are upset at the altered state of his coffeehouse. Tripp, the guy who took over the shop while they were in Greece and turned it into a zombie-themed bar, finds them, ties them up, and tries to get them to behave like zombies. Tripp and his assistant are forced to leave by the arrival of a real zombie, whom Rajiv hires as a cleaning person to help restore his shop. Rajiv and the Princess enjoy being tied up for a while.
Meanwhile, Angelica updates Big Momma on the progress of Lake Superior towards Solomon's River. The Crew Foreman arrives to complain that "Injuns" are in the way. Big Momma recommends getting TNT and blowing them up. Crew Foreman and Big Momma have a clash of personalities and, unbeknownst to him, the Foreman is lucky to leave un-cursed.
McShane wanders the woods, still trying to find Tommy and Sally, who he simultaneously wishes would hold still AND go away forever. In a slightly different part of the woods, Tommy and Sally manage to find each other and remember they wanted to kill Dr. Scarlett for killing their baby (unbeknownst to them, there never was a baby since they have misunderstood how sex works.) They go to find a killing stick.
The Court Reporter previews the next case to Judge Graft: a divorce between the French Matron Tilapia and her new, young beau Trevor, married for only 3 months. Trevor wants her money but there is an air-tight prenup. Matron Tilapia recognizes Trevor as an idiot, and Trevor needs to leave to do his AP Calculus homework (he is in 12th grade plus 3). Judge Graft grants the divorce and moves to arrest the Matron Tilapia for possible pedophilia, when in walks the former Mr. Tilapia, who they all thought was dead! The court sucks wind in surprise. It turns out Mr. Tilapia is also an idiot. Judge Graft throws them all in jail.
- Will Tripp just meekly let somebody take over the bar that he took over?
- Is coexistence with zombies possible?
- What happens when an indigenous people is blown up?
- Will the Crew Foreman escape the wrath of Big Momma if he fails?
- Can McShane ever find Tommy and Sally, and does he really want to?
- Is Dr. Scarlett's life truly in danger?
- What will Judge Graft do to the Tilapias and Trevor?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv puts embryonic Princess Lakshmi in a jar, pokes holes in the lid, and puts her down in Magnus Adversson's root cellar, hoping she'll grow again, now that he's not spitting on her.
Judge Graft calls court to session for People vs. Native American Tribe, regarding burning tires and occupying public land. The People ask that the Natives be forcibly removed. The Judge instructs the bailiff: stuff the public defender in a home, bring in the Native Americans for burning tires, and find the deity reported to be around town and bring him/her to the Court.
Because of Solomon's River General Hospital's lack of revenue, Dr. Scarlett instructs Nurse to fire two nurses using a nurse test to determine which are worthy. First test requires them to load their carts with the tools for a car accident with hemorrhaging/intubation tools. Results are...mixed. The next test is a patient they must diagnose just by looking and asking only one question. "Where does it hurt?" asks Nurse Flatula (answer: all over.) Nurse Anina queries, "Do you always look so stupid?" (yes) Nurse Mandale, "Is your father also your uncle?" (no) Finally Nurse Steve asks, "What kind of drugs do you get for something like that?" (whatever he can buy). None of the nurses recognize the man has...chickenpox!
Suddenly, Henry from HR shows up and reveals Dr. Scarlett is also a...NURSE! The reveal rankles the nurses who have been put-upon by Dr. Scarlett; however, Nurse sees another opportunity and tries to get the nurses to see that Henry from HR has an urgent problem. While they only notice he is a little ugly, Nurse points out his yellow skin tone, left eyelid droop, auditory hallucination of tinkling, and sudden, instantaneous death (which is, of course, why Nurse is Head Nurse.) Nurse Flatula is fired immediately. Nurse is angry with Dr. Scarlett for being so hard on the nurses when he, himself, is a nurse. Dr. Scarlett is tired of Nurse being so full of herself, and he fires her right then and there!
Outside, Nurse runs into Nurse Flatula who immediately suggests they pair up to start their own practice--they do!
- What will become of embryonic Princess Lakshmi floating in a jar?
- What will the Native Americans think of having to be dragged to Judge Graft's court, and will their payments to him pay off?
- Can a bailiff catch a deity?
- How will Solomon's River General Hospital fare with two of their nurses starting their own practice?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
