It's time for Solomon's River's most popular cable-access TV show, Cut-Blow, hosted by Taiwanese Exchange student Whitney Shears, where viewers get to watch real hair salon action. 12 year old Jeremy, who has the zombie-inoculation-induced uncuttable beard, is in the chair. They avoid the beard and trim his hair, color and gossip about Mrs. Tilapia and Judge Graft, who is nothing but bad news. The only gossip Jeremy has is that the Bailiff, a neighbor of his, touched him inappropriately. Some kids in the audience shout confessions that they, too, have been touched by the Bailiff. The hosts, not being mandatory reporters, move on to other gossip, including that the stylist heard there were zombie-reversal ice cubes for sale on Amazon. The audience cheers.
Rajiv has applied to every fast food joint in Solomon's River and Princess Lakshmi says it's time she asks her royal parents for a favor: get Rajiv a job. Princess Lakshmi Skypes and finds her Papa is now into franchising 7-11s and that she should send Rajiv over in the morning.
Bailiff's girlfriend has been pregnant for three days and Judge Graft thinks he is being taken advantage of. Mrs. Tilapia laments that the police department doesn't listen to her. The Court Reporter reports that Mrs. Tilapia is, however, trending online, though the denizens of Solomon's River don't know she's "a furriner" yet. Judge Graft orders Mrs. Tilapia to arrest two people every day, which he believes will boost her respect AND get him court business.
A former zombie appears in court with Jessica, the co-ed who was registering zombies to vote. The former zombie is upset because now he doesn't know if his registration is valid, now that his zombism has gone away. He says some guy gave him a water bottle, he drank, and just sort of woke up okay. Judge Graft declares him undead, which gets confusing: it is "undead" or "un-dead". Mrs. Tilapia's first arrest of the day is Jessica, for illegal voter registration. Her second arrest is the former zombie for eating brains.
- Will Jeremy's uncuttable beard become manageable now that others' superpowers have been wearing off?
- Will anyone investigate the Bailiff, and how old is his girlfriend, anyway?
- Why does a princess' father franchise 7-11s?
- What kind of job will Rajiv get from Princess Lakshmi's father?
- Will Mrs. Tilapia remain popular after she arrests two people every day?
- What will happen to Jessica, a co-ed in jail?
- Are zombies finally disappearing for good?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Angelica reports her progress towards bringing Lake Superior to Solomon's River to Big Momma, but one of the contractors says they've run into Native American troubles, preventing them from digging through burial grounds. Big Momma gets angry and instructs Angelica to fight their tire fires with... more tire fires.
Jeremy (of the indestructible beard) and huddles with his friend to gripe about how all the teachers are now incredibly attracted to his beard. Meanwhile, Claire the teacher, Chet the security guard, and Seth the chemistry teacher drool over memories of the beard--they really can't get enough! Seth points in the direction of the class-skipping Jeremy, Chet grabs his gun, and they vow to get the boy so they can touch his beard!
Princess Lakshmi pops out of Rajiv's backpack as they take a gas station egg salad and Dr. Pibb break from heading to the airport. Unfortunately, Rajiv's credit card is declined and the clerk is suspicious of Rajiv's backpack full of what appears to be a little girl who swears she is Rajiv's lover. When the clerk turns his back, they run away.
A snotty girl named Phlogiston hangs out with her friends Megan and Sylvia. Megan is really good at the phone game Yogiman Po, where you trap creatures and make them as poor as possible. A boy arrives and says the game is "so last week" and that Monopoly is the coolest game now. The boy says two of the three girls are cool enough to join him, leaving Phlogiston behind, swearing revenge.
Brother Chiliwang burns with the power of Princess Evaleene! Brother Offenshitz tries to squeeze the rock of power out of Chiliwang's nose, but it is stuck. Chiliwang hears the voice of Evaleene say, "There are too many people!" Chiliwang understands that Evaleene wants the Brothers to bring a flood upon the people of Solomon's River, killing them all! The Brothers are worried: how do you stop a deity? Brother Offenshitz knows: the only way to get rid of one deity, is to get another.
Dr. Scarlet calls together all the nurses, freshly back from their treatment after being subjected to the NurseNudistNeoNaziNarcanon-anado. Nurse, Nurse Ratched, Nurse Phlebotomy, Nurse Matriculation, Nurse Peels, Nurse Sparkle, and more gather for Dr. Scarlet's announcement: he is retiring as Chief Surgeon. Nurse is shocked, but the rest of the nurses applaud. Dr. Scarlet says his replacement, Dr. Marbles, will be arriving later, and asks the nurses to show him the ropes.
- Will Angelica's tire fires or the Native Americans' tire fires win the day?
- How will Rajiv get Lakshmi to Greece for treatment without a working credit card?
- Can Jeremy get away from the beard-obsessed teachers? How strong will his beard powers become?
- Will Monopoly really be the Next Big Thing?
- What kind of deity can stop Princess Evaleene from making the Brothers flood Solomon's River and killing everyone? Are Big Momma's plans to bring Lake Superior to Solomon's River part of the god's larger plan?
- What will Dr. Scarlet do in retirement?
- Who is the new Chief Surgeon, Dr. Marbles, and is he as young, rich, and available as the nurses are hoping?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Princess Lakshmi faces an unhappy truth when Rajiv measures her against the doorjamb: she is getting shorter, which means she is still getting younger. Estimating her age at about seven, Magnus' promise that a cure could be found within ten years is not reassuring. Princess Lakshmi figures they should travel to Geneva for a faster cure, and Rajiv zips her into a backpack to start their journey.
Brother Chiliwang and Brother Offenschitz contemplate the resurgence of evil they feel from Solomon's River far below their mountain retreat, and they pray for a vision of Princess Evaleene, who once gave them hope and a Happy Dance. She appears to them, now morphed into a rock statue, and announces she is more powerful than ever. They supplicate themselves and ask for help to battle Big Momma, whose evil plans are affecting their peace. "The answer," intones Evaleene, "is inside my nose." They check inside the statue's nose, and they find The Green Crystal of Evaleene! The Crystal, which was the source of Evaleene's power, immediately goes up Brother Chilliwang's nose. The Princess now speaks through the Brother. Offenschitz selfishly asks for money, and Princess/Brother changes him into a beetle. When he pleases her/him again, she/he will turn him back. Offenschitz clicks a little.
Meanwhile, at school, teacher Elaine Gaffney is too high to find her room and truant student Jeremy attempts to use his beard to seduce her! Possible zombie and chemistry teacher Mr. Perchenkowitz shuffles past followed closely by Chet the security guard. Elaine draws Chet's attention to Jeremy, and Chet, too, becomes fascinated by Jeremy's beard. To Jeremy's horror, Elaine, Chet, Seth Perchenkowitz, and any nearby teachers become hypnotized by the awesomeness of the premature, zombie-inoculation-induced beard.
- Will Princess Lakshmi make it to Geneva before she reverts to an embryo?
- Will Rajiv make it to Geneva with a child in his backpack?
- What will the Power of Evaleene do up the Brother Chilliwang's nose, and can she/he stop Big Momma?
- How long will Borther Offenshitz have to be a bug?
- Is Jeremy's beard power getting stronger?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv tells Princess Lakshmi that Magnus Adversson's scientists may have an age-reversal-reversal formula in as soon as ten years. She insists they return her to her actual age (improbably 27) ASAP! Lakshmi reminds Rajiv that keeping her locked in the basement was exactly what drove her away from him and accidentally into the arms of his evil twin, Rojav. Rajiv laments he still has not gotten revenge on his brother for the Las Vegas Incident.
Cool 8th grader Jeremy ditches class with his friend Miller to smoke behind the school. Jeremy shows off his indestructible beard and Miller wants one! Jeremy promises he can find the woman who gave him his Super Beard. The boys are shooed away by Chet, the put-upon Sheriff's Deputy on duty.
Deputy Chet returns to the school for a break. Teacher Claire commiserates over coffee when chemistry teacher, Seth, shuffles in, groaning ominously. Claire and Chet chalk it up to an inability to retire and they wish the kids had been smoking weed for "confiscation". They seek janitor Charlie in the school basement who might have some stink weed. Charlie grows his own and Claire buys $14 worth of "the good stuff". She sprinkles it in her coffee, shares with Chet, and they praise Charlie before they all take off for the bakery.
Following Big Momma's orders, minion Angelica negotiates with a construction contractor for a large project: bring Solomon's River to the banks of Lake Superior, or, to be more accurate, bring Lake Superior to Solomon's River by digging a 250-mile trench. Angelica shows her projected map: through a large green area, houses, a river, a reservation, Federal land, etc. In lieu of proper paperwork, Angelica uses magical Twinkle Fingers to get ten guys with a backhoe to dig day and night.
Home from middle school, Miller gets in trouble with his father who got a call from the principal. Miller's father hits him for hanging around bad kids like the bearded Jeremy. Why does he hit? Because that's the way he was raised! Miller's grandfather, Pappy, enters to berate Miller's father for raising a bad son. Pappy hits Father. Father hits Miller. Miller hits the dog and is praised by Father and Pappy. Miller sasses. Pappy hits Father for having a kid who sasses. Father hits Miller for sassing. Father forbids Miller to see Jeremy. Miller promises he'll hit Jeremy. Proud Father and Pappy give Miller the family baseball bat with nails on the end.
- Will Princess Lakshmi have to go through puberty again, or will Magnus' Geneva scientists find the cure to zombie-incoulation-super-power-age-reversal-spit?
- Are there zombies in the middle school? If so, what will happen if the security, teaching, and janitorial staff are all high?
- Can ten men dig a 250-mile long trench without being noticed?
- Will Jeremy get Brendisha Scarf to inoculate middle schoolers?
- Will Miller betray his friend, or will he betray his family?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv is in a pickle: does wait for the upset Princess Lakshmi in case she returns, or does he go to Magnus Adversson's mansion to work on plans for his "Scrak of Youth"? Before he can decide, Lakshmi calls from the last payphone in all of Solomon's River to tell him that her super strength is getting out of control. She can say no more, however, because she accidentally crushes the receiver. Rajiv leaves to find her.
Jeremy, the 8th grader with the premature and indestructible beard, meets Loser Myrtle's father when he arrives to pick her up for the school dance (followed by a rented hotel room.) Her father says both a dance and a hotel is too much; Jeremy may only choose one, so he chooses the hotel. Bad kids from the school egg Myrtle as she leaves with Jeremy, but the couple is not deterred, and Myrtle vows vengeance.
Meanwhile, in the zombie-infested recording studio, opera star Rinatta Frinatta arrives to record her arias. Miss Frinatta tries to work with a zombie pianist and zombie recording engineer, but they turn her beautiful aria into an operatic rendition of "Brains!" Rinatta Frinatta leaves to complain to her manager.
In Solomon's River's General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett tries to get his new nurse to find his old nurse, Nurse. Describing Nurse's most distinctive attribute, the new nurse promises to report him to HR, but is promptly fired when a new, new nurse arrives. Rinatta Frinatta hurries in, worried about possible contagions from the horrible workers at the recording studio. The quiet hospital suddenly bustling, Princess Lakshmi enters, complaining about the unwanted superpower side effects of Brendeesha Scarf's Zombie Inoculation. Intrigued, Rinatta sneaks away. Dr. Scarlett scoffs at the idea of zombies, just before zombies enter. Lakshmi shows off her powers by crushing some zombies. Dr. Scarlett debates the limits of the Hippocratic Oath.
In Brendisha Scarf's laboratory, they worry about tracking all their missing subjects. Rinatta Frintatta, wanting to preserve her voice, arrives for a zombie inoculation. Three hours later, Rinatta finds out about the side effects first hand. She opens her mouth, and her voice is not only operatic, but very, VERY loud, breaking glass, plastic, and metal!
Tara the Cool Girl gathers her posse of fellow cool girls (Zelda, Shirra, and Gladys) and vows to get revenge on Loser Myrtle after being passed over by Hottie Jeremy of the Beard. The fellow cool girls, falling in line behind Tara, strut to the dance...
- Will Rajiv find Princess Lakshmi?
- Will Princess Lakshmi get her super strength under control?
- Will everyone's zombie inoculation super power keep increasing?
- Will Dr. Scarlett start treating zombies?
- Where has Nurse gone?
- Can Brendeesha Scarf ever publish her results when all her test subjects run away?
- How will Jeremy and Loser Myrtle's 8th grade date at a local hotel go?
- Will Tara, Zelda, Shirra, and Gladys find Myrtle and if so, what are their plans?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv is sick of being tested for superpowers and is glad when Magnus Adversson wanders into the coffee shop. Princess Lakshmi becomes upset when she cannot control her zombie-inoculation-induced super-strength, and runs out, crying over a ruined fork. Magnus orders his regular rhubarb pie and Doctor Pibb, but after sipping the Doctor Pibb, into which Rajiv has back-washed, is surprised by a change: he is younger! They deduce that Rajiv has rejuvenating spit! Unfortunately, the effect doesn't last long, and Rajiv needs to spit on Magnus repeatedly. While young, however, Magnus Adversson realizes there is money to be made here, and he hatches a plan to harvest Rajiv spit to find the secret to the Rajiv Scrak Fountain of Youth! They plan to meet up at Magnus' mansion.
Later, in a recording studio, music producer Marcus is doing the final recording of pop star Shasta's zombie apocalypse song, "Brains!" It's a wrap, but zombies, perhaps attracted by the new smash single, infiltrate and infect the assistant producer who in turn chases Marcus and Shasta out of the studio.
Bartholomew and Cletus are sincerely lost in the woods, nearly drown out by howling wolves. McShane wanders by, calling Tommy and Sally. Unfortunately for McShane, the brothers are very hungry, and they have rope. They tie up McShane and take him home for food. If they can find home, that is...
Meanwhile, in the middle school where even the teachers pick on Loser Myrtle, Myrtle is accosted by the snobby girls who pretend to like her and promise to help her do her hair, makeup and dress for the school dance. As the snobby girls mock and lie to Myrtle, hunky Jeremy (of the unshavable beard) walks by. Snobby Sara uses her deep voice to say hello, but Jeremy only stops to ask if Myrtle will go to the dance with him!
- What plans does Magnus have for Rajiv's rejuvenating spit?
- How will Princess Lakshmi deal with her super strength?
- Will Shasta's "Brains!" pop single be a hit? Does the song really affect zombies?
- How will McShane taste to Bartholomew and Cletus?
- Did Jeremy seriously ask Loser Myrtle to the dance, or is he in on some snobby plot?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv keeps testing Lakshmi's sudden super strength, and Lakshmi keeps testing Rajiv to find his super power. It's not mind reading. It's not flying. It's not hovering. It's not immunity to pain. Lakshmi uses her super strength to pick him up and run him back to Rajiv's Coffee House so he may meditate on the possibilities.
Bartholomew and Cletus argue as brothers do who are hungry, stuck in the forest, and tied together. Bartholomew knocks the treesagna out of Cletus' hands and they argue about saving the girl or not. Cletus stands firm about going home. Bartholomew relents, as his brother is much bigger, and they head home, hoping the girl (who is Sally) will either find her own way, or at least distract the wolves plaguing this part of the forest.
Meanwhile, in a hallway outside the fifth grade classroom a frock of girls gossips about Jeremy with the Beard! One thinks it's gross, but the more developed girl thinks it's hot. Jeremy himself walks by and says, "What's up, Sara?" causing Sara to lose it like a fangirl. She's positive Jeremy will now ask her to the Fifth Grade Dinner Dance--as long as Loser Myrtle isn't there. Nobody likes her and Sara teases a plan for a prank to her scheming friends.
Friendly neighborhood barber Bobby McMasterfaster is a little lonely in his shop, hoping business will pick up soon when the bell rings optimistically. Unfortunately, it's not a customer; it's a Born-Again Christian asking if he's found his personal Savior in Jesus Christ. A blade flashes, the blood flows, and the Born-Again confesses with her dying breath she didn't really believe. Bobby laughs and laughs...
- Will meditation help Rajiv find his zombie-inoculation-induced superpower?
- Will Bartholomew and Cletus find their way home in the wolf-infested woods?
- What has become of Sally?
- Will Jeremy ask Sara to the Dinner Dance?
- What is the prank Sara wants to pull on Loser Myrtle?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
