Episode 113

After having mildly burned a secretary with mildly hot coffee, Sally and Tommy are relying on McShane to hide them from the long arm of the law. McShane leads them into a dark forest, where they become separated. While consoling one another, Tommy and Sally discover they are soft and feel good. They decide to stay in the forest a while and explore those feelings.

At the local Wal-Mart, Mr. Grumble the manager calls Solomon into his office to interview for a "clean-up crew" position. He is interrupted by Shaniqua who barges in to complain about someone pooping in aisle 12. Shaniqua leaves to return to her register, but before the interview can advance much further, she interrupts once again to alert the manager that Latisha is "busting up the store again!" Latisha is called into the office where she promptly gets into a fight with Solomon, thinking (mistakenly) that he is her ex-boyfriend. Mr. Grumble hires Solomon on the spot and sends him to grab a mop and clean up the bulk aisle. A customer enters to complain about the poo she stepped in; Mr. Grumble tells her she can go to aisle 28 where she can pick out any new pair of shoes for free, which sets off a heated argument between the cashiers and the manager. To solve the problem, Latisha tapes Mr. Grumble to the chair and hatches a plan to take over the store. Shaniqua is wary; she just got out after serving a dime in the Big House, but she stays by Latisha's side as she takes over the store.

Outside of town, McShane wanders through the woods looking for Sally and Tommy. There he runs across a pedophile who offers to help, but nothing much becomes of it.

Meanwhile, in an underground lair, Angelica finds new employment with a new mistress, Mistress Evil! Angelica offers to warn Solomon's River about the new evil arising, but Mistress tells her to keep it a secret...for now. One of Mistress Evil's  Russian assistants injects a tracking chip into Angelica's arm, as well as an immunization booster. As her first mission, Angelica is ordered to go to Wal-Mart and put Shaniqua (who always mooshed Angelica's Charmin) to sleep for 100 years! Angelica leaves to do some research. 

• Will Sally and Tommy discover a love that shall remain nameless?
• Will Latisha and Shaniqua succeed in taking over the store?
• Does McShane know what a pedophile is?
• Will Angelica succeed in finding a viable way of putting a person to sleep for 100 years?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 112

After the infamously three-way scuffle at the Adverson Mansion, Princess Lakshmi returns to speak privately with Rajiv. After being assured that Mrs. Rajiv is nowhere to be seen (she is off talking with Dr. Scarlett,) Lakshmi both tries to warn Rajiv about how abusive she is and berates him for allowing his wife back into his life after all this time. The princess gives Rajiv an ultimatum: if he loves his wife, he must say with her; if he loves Lakshmi, he must stay with her. She leaves for the Motel 5 to await his answer. Rajiv, perhaps unwisely, promises he will not forget to let her know his choice.

Meanwhile, at the local Super Walmart, Shaniqua and Latisha, two very dissatisfied cashiers, plot to revolt and “take this Walmart down!” They begin by looking to find some places to sabotage (“bust up”), starting with Bulk Items.

McShane, apparently at his new job, is readying for a last-minute meeting in the conference room. Unbeknownst to him, the meeting was arranged by his old friends Sally and Tommy! They arrive, so happy to see McShane, yet sad that he left them behind while he embarked on his new life path. They thought he had died in the hospital! After a quick soft-spot-pressing demonstration, Sally and Tommy offer to help McShane with his business. Coffee arrives, secretaries get burned, Sally and Tommy must leave town with McShanes help.

Meanwhile, in aisle 38 of Walmart, a mother tries to buy a big box of tampons while pulling her child along with a leash and choke chain. Shaniqua, who is busy “bustin' up this place” confronts this horrible mother and frees the child, allowing her to run wild and poop in aisle 14!

• Will Rajiv choose Lakshmi, or his wife?
• Will he remember to tell Lakshmi what he has decided?
• Will Shaniqua and Latisha take down Walmart?
• Can McShane get Sally and Tommy safely out of Solomon's River? Should he?
• Who will clean up the Code 2 in Aisle 14?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 111

A very upset Mrs. Rajiv calls the hospital to speak with Dr. Scarlett about the paternity test results. She is livid that the results show that her child, who is to be named “Patel Patel Patel,” is apparently the spawn of Dr. Scarlett himself! Before the doctor has the chance to explain how babies are made, Mrs. Rajiv points out the very important fact that she and the doctor have never been intimate with one another. To add insult to injury, the receptionist has been listening in on their conversation and is ready to spread the word to EVERYBODY!

Meanwhile, across town in the Strange Temple, acolytes are dancing in honor of High Priestess Evaleene. After a short episode of concern regarding both their inability to dance and sing in time with each other and the filthy state of the floor, High Priestess Evaleene appears and they plead with her to tell them how long before the End of the World. Evaleene reveals that it will be in four days! The acolytes leave to spread the word.

Later, in Magnus Adverson's mansion, Tripp is severely concerned about his mother Angelica's desire to take all of Magnus' underwear. She has big plans to sell them to Japanese men, who she thinks will pay a big fortune for them on eBay. Rajiv stumbles in and discovers them rifling through Magnus' drawers. Tripp tells him they are the new butler and maid, and Rajiv promptly orders a BLT. To further complicate matters, Mrs. Rajiv shows up, demanding to know why Rajiv is there. Tripp and Angelica tiptoe away as Mrs. Rajiv verbally assaults her husband. As they banter back and forth about the children, the doorbell rings and Princess Lakshmi appears, complete with her two broken arms. Rajiv hopes for another girl fight. Lakshmi informs Rajiv that she has heard the scuttlebutt about the paternity test results as Mrs. Rajiv denies knowing Dr. Scarlett. The argument continues, this time focusing on everyone's knowledge of biology. It ends with the Princess storming out and everyone proclaiming that they are going to get a lawyer.

• Are the paternity test results correct? Is Dr. Scarlett the father of Mrs. Rajiv's baby?
• Will the world really end in four days?
• Are Japanese men willing to pay a big fortune for Magnus' underwear?
• Are there enough lawyers in Solomon's River for everyone?
• Will Mrs. Rajiv name her baby “Patel Patel Patel?”

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 110

The last time lawyer Mr. Ylung was in to see Dr. Scarlett, he was given six months to live, but today is a “business matter”.  He brings cash from Mrs. Rajiv to get a “certain result” in the blood test—that Rajiv (and not Rojav) is the father of her new son.  Dr. Scarlett agrees to the deal and attributes Mr. Ylung’s living to his superb doctoring skills.  After Mr. Ylung leaves, Dr. Scarlett has a bit of trouble reading the writing on the instructions.

Rajiv tries to explain himself to Princess Lakshmi, but Mrs. Rajiv comes upon them and strong-arms the Princess whose arms snap like twigs.  She hobbles off to the hospital and promises to sue them.  Mrs. Rajiv lets slip that she can’t be sued because she’s not in the country legally.

Meanwhile, in a strange temple, an acolyte asks the High Priestess Evaleene what they all should do.  The High Priestess shows them how to dance and they call out, “All hail Evaleene!”  They will do whatever she says, though she doesn’t say much.  Two of the cult members discuss their experience with other cults, like Scientology.  The acolytes will go spread the word of the High Priestess Evaleene to the town of Solomon’s River.

Tripp is back with his mother Angelica.  The bar Tripp used to tend is gone, and the caves have been exploded.  Boss Carla Calvera is assumed blown up.  They are free to do what they want, but what do they want?  Tripp has been on an epic quest and feels like a phoenix.  Angelica suggests robberies… or higher-class extortion… They decide to squat in Magnus Aversson’s mansion.

Mrs. Rajiv has gotten the test results from Dr. Scarlett and she opens them at home.  The envelope unseals… Mrs. Rajiv’s face gives nothing away.

• Did Dr. Scarlett give the actual test results or the paid-for test results?
• Does paying for the test results mean that Mrs. Rajiv knows the baby is not Rajiv’s?
• Who is the High Priestess Evaleene, and what is her cult up to?
• How long will Tripp and his mother be able to squat in Magnus’ mansion, and will that be enough to satisfy their need to do bad things?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 109

The British Secret Agents have made it into the Chinese microchip factory crediting their insensitive disguises and some very helpful American Agents.  Little do they know the "American Agents" are really Chinese Agents who have directed them into a trap: a sealed metal room that is slowly filling with water.  The agents face their impending doom with a cup of chamomile tea and a stiff upper lip.

Mrs. Rajiv's shrill voice echoes once again, "Rajiv!"  Rajiv is terribly surprised to find his wife, thought long gone, back home and holding a baby.  Though it has been more than a year, Mrs. Rajiv insists the boy is Rajiv's son and is just small for his age.  Princess Lakshmi enters and much wind is sucked by both women.  Princess Lakshmi warns Mrs. Rajiv of Rajiv's evil twin (Rojav) and suggests a DNA test.  The baby cries just thinking he may be the child of an evil twin and Mrs. Rajiv swears she will sic her lawyer, Mr. Ylung, on Rajiv if he does not honor their marriage.  Princess Lakshmi insists Rajiv steal a vial of the baby's blood for a test.  As Mrs. Rajiv questions Rajiv, demanding profit from their former businesses, he drains the baby of a handful of blood*.  Mrs. Rajiv promises he has not heard the end of her interrogations.  Princess Lakshmi takes the handful of blood to the hospital for testing.

The 42nd Precinct brings two overflow hookers to Detective Smegly.  Shasta and Clitoris are not in cell 69 for long, though, as the Madam bails out her best girls for a "high roller" who has paid for two at once.  After the women leave, Detective Smegly calls Dr. Scarlett at the hospital with information about the missing nurse.  The detective knows where she is... but the line goes dead.

Meanwhile, in hotel room gaudily decorated in 1970s disco, Mr. Jimmy Smidgely approves of the two hookers: one tall and one short, well-endowed, double jointed gymnasts without digestive systems.  Left alone with the women, Mr. Smidgely seems unsure of himself, possibly because the voices in his head pull him in two directions: "Spank them!" vs. "Let the women be nice friends!"  The angry voice, however, gets louder when the hookers whisper about him.  "Two more dead hookers!" cajoles the voice.  As Jimmy is persuaded to kill, the women realize he isn't right in the head and promptly kick him in the face.  They escape, but Jimmy is angry...

• What will happen to Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv now that Mrs. Rajiv has returned?
• Is the baby Rajiv or Rojav Junior?
• Can a blood test even tell the difference between identical twins' DNA?
• What is Detective Smegly's information of the whereabouts of the missing nurse?  What caused the line to go dead?
• Who is this Jimmy Smidgely, serial killer of hookers, and can he be stopped?
• Will Shasta and Clitoris get away?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

*The baby was not actually stabbed.

Episode 108

Bob the Student Burglar presents his instructor with the gearshift to Grandma Poppy's Hoveround as proof of her demise.  The theft, however, does not count to Bob's Burglar Degree, and Bob tries to lie...which doesn't work, and Bob gets kicked out of The Burglary Institute.  Bob leaves, a complete and total failure.

Deep in the ocean, Flounder cradles the mortally wounded Split-Tail, who was whacked by the water intake personnel's mini submarine.  In a touching scene, Split-Tail says his final words: "Ahhhhhhheeeeeaaahhhhh.... Help meeee.... Avenge.... Out.... Ack."  Flounder interprets the last words as instructions to bring the new Avengers movie to the underwater world.  Split-Tail is sent off in true fish fashion: to float belly-up and be pecked apart by sea birds and run over by speedboats.

The British Secret Agents in China must go undercover as Chinese people.  They don novelty slant eye glasses, buck teeth and straw hats.  They tie their shoe laces together and shuffle out to infiltrate.  Meanwhile, the Chinese Secret Agents, who are watching, go undercover as American Secret Agents.  They don gun belts, cowboy hats, and fake straight teeth.  They round their eyes with tape and come out shooting into the air.

Bob's brother and sister heard of his failure and are extremely disappointed their drop-out brother is coming home again.  They predict their mother is going to be really mad.  Bob lies to his mother, telling her he is now Dean of The Burglary Institute.  His siblings know he's lying and force him to take them all on a tour of his office the next day as his mom needs to approve of the new office color.  Bob is painted into a corner now!

• Can Bob keep his failure a secret?
• How can Bob give his mother a tour of an office he doesn't have?
• Will Flounder be able to carry out Split-Tail's last wishes?
• What movies to fish enjoy best, anyway?
• Will the British Secret Agents fool the Chinese as Chinese?
• Will the Chinese Secret Agents fool the British Secret Agents as American Secret Agents?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 107

It turns out that Bob the Burglar is a better at mean pranks than he is at burglary.  He even killed a man, but forgot to take his money, so he gets no credits towards his degree.  Bob still needs to kill Grandma Poppy, though he'd rather "let nature take its course".

A man reported dead returns, surprising the heck out of his wife, Marion Stop, the #1 socialite in all of Solomon's River.  Stephan's body (dressed in his clothes, with his cheesy moustache and fake left arm) had been found and autopsied.  Stephan believes he was set up, as he's not dead, suspecting that the coroner must be in on it, too.  Marion always believed Magnus Aversson, Stephan's nemesis, had something to do with it.  The couple will let the whole world know that Stephan is alive and they will take back Solomon's River.  They laugh evilly.

The British Secret Service agents have arrived in China, sent there on a tip found in a fortune cookie, looking for Magnus Aversson's microchip factory.  They go to their Microtel to secure their special luggage and prepare.  Nearby, two Chinese agents, Ling Po and Po Ling, spy through binoculars at the British agents, reveling that their plan is in motion to "get back" at the agents for "the whole Hong Kong thing".  They order American takeout and wait.

• Will Bob the Burglar ever burgle properly so he can get his degree?
• How will Bob get the chance to kill Grandma Poppy if she's gone into deep hiding?
• Who is the mysterious Stephan and what will he and his wife Marion do to "take back" Solomon's River from Magnus Aversson?
• Why are two Chinese agents setting up two British agents and what will happen to them?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!