Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi arrive in India and realize they have become de-acclimated to the heat and smell. She reveals that she has never told her parents about non-royal Rajiv as they had selected a prince for her to marry and...he may still be around! Rajiv offers that he could pretend to be a prince, and she can teach him some princely ways in the back of their taxi.
A manager at Latham's Department Store announces the employee chosen to be this year's Santa Claus: Mr. Smith from Janitorial Services. His only training: always "Ho" in threes. Later, in the basement, Smitty is congratulated by his co-workers as the first in their department to be selected! Jonsie is "on vacation" (drying out) and Jacobson is laid up with an elevator shaft leg injury, which means that they will be very short-staffed when Smitty is being Santa. Smitty says to just give him a call if there's an emergency.
Rajiv brings Princess Lakshmi to a hotel room and pats the bed suggestively. Princess Lakshmi is eager to check in with her parents, but Rajiv is especially handsy and they do a "10 minutes later" followed by a "45 minutes later" just for her. Princess Lakshmi finally says they should go, and Rajiv murmurs ominously, "I am not who you think I am." Lakshmi squints and cries, "Rojav!" Rojav, Rajiv's evil twin, laughs and says Rajiv is tied up in a janitor's closet at the airport. "A couple hours later", they finish and she goes to rescue Rajiv.
The next day at Latham's, a mother brings her son to see Santa. As the boy is telling Santa what he wants, Smitty's walkie-talkie blares that there is a problem in the fifth floor bathroom. Mom is coaching her son to ask for Dolce and Gabanna, diamonds, liquor, all the while Smitty's janitorial partner is calling for emergency assistance. Smitty finally leaves to help and eventually returns, covered in bathroom stink and stain. The Red Hat Society has shown up to speak to Santa, and he is directed to do whatever they want. An older woman sits on his lap for 15 minutes, shooing away children just to hit on him. She introduces herself as Marjorie Dawson and gives Smitty her address: 79 Park Lane, #12, Upper. She makes him promise to visit her after work.
- Has Princess Lakshmi again been princess-napped by Rojav?
- What will happen to Rajiv, literally tied up at the airport?
- Will they ever get to check on the Princess' parents?
- Has Smitty become a part of a Red Hat sex ring?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi wonder where her father's 7-11 impostor has gotten to, how he managed to look like her father, and where her actual parents have gone! They decide to investigate in India.
Two young people are hacking the cyborg locust swarm, and, with the touch of a button on his new app, one can get the locusts to turn on each other. To make money, he comes up with the idea of a $.99 download where every person buys a locust (painted or numbered to indicate the buyer) and whichever locust is the last surviving cyborg, wins! Mother delivers them lemonade and gets locked in with her son's friend for 20 minutes.
Dr. Scarlett gathers all remaining workers, declares them nurses and tells them to do all the work. Most aren't nurses, but one is actually a doctor, Dr. Richardson, who bravely takes on sponge bathing the patient Sammy in room 204. Dr. Scarlett warns: Sammy is handsy, talks to his teddy bear (Eddie) in rhyme, and will forcibly offer candy: don't take any! Eddie speaks to the patient, encouraging bad ideas and reinforcing paranoia. Sammy rubs candy on his balls and tries to force Dr. Richardson to eat it. Luckily for the doctor, he is paged by the loudspeaker. Unluckily for the doctor, he still tasted a little candy.
Angelica has only two hours to decide between Big Momma and Uber Minion, who sweetens the pot with additional benefits. Angelica goes to Big Momma to help with her decision. Her contract is nearly up and Big Momma's benefits are: you get to live. Big Momma says Angelica can take her new job...and be a double agent! The plan is to fake kill Big Momma, using sparrow's blood on a knife for proof, and then report back all plans. Angelica wants to live, so she agrees.
- What will Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi find in India?
- Will the two programmers get rich off their locust-fighting ring?
- How will Dr. Richardson do the work of all the missing qualified nurses?
- Will Sammy ever get out of the hospital?
- Can Angelica have the best of both worlds: live AND have a job with benefits?
- What will Big Momma do with her new information?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Locusts are gathering to feast upon Solomon's River, communicating intelligently to one another... A few weeks earlier, in a laboratory far under a mountain, a scientist has developed a "Smart Plague", designed to eat everyone on town in preparation for takeover. He's programmed the first two locust/Radio Shack electronic hybrids, Burt and Trevor, to desire human flesh, adjusted to "very hungry". The scientist's assistant, Jones, brings chai, and is tasked with programming the remaining 3 million cyborg locusts to "super hungry flesh-eating". Jones tweaks them a little further...
Danny is enjoying his flame thrower, trying to keep the locust away from his hot dogs. His whiny girlfriend gets a locust in her hair, and he accidentally sets her on fire.
A psychiatrist delves into the mind of a girl, Darlene, whose half-sister was lit on fire. Darlene feels guilty because it was her father who created the cyborg locust swarm! She believes complaining about how her half-sister took her spot on the cheerleading squad inspired her father to seek vengeance. One month earlier...
...Coach is auditioning cheerleaders. Darlene cheers passionately, but her half-sister says dyslexia prevents her from spelling properly. Darlene counters, "My father says I'm not dyslexic..." clearly irritating her half-sister. The half-sister's turn takes a turn as she simply fellates the coach, without even taking out her gum, and wins the spot.
Judge Graft has an off-the-record chat with his Court Reporter, in which he reveals his belief that Big Momma is behind the locust swarm, since she seems to be behind so much in Solomon's River. Judge Graft wants her to contact Geraldo for some "wet work", and gives her a bag of money to get it done. She is skeptical that it could be the Geraldo and questions this as a duty of a Court Reporter, but the Judge's threat that if he goes down, she goes down, forces her to make the call.
Angela confesses to Uber Minion that, yes, her son Tripp isn't as useful as she had hoped, but she is still supportive of Big Momma's big plans. Uber Minion is tired of never getting the big work done and dismisses those plans, Big Momma's powers of listening and of cursing. He makes Angelica an offer: kill Big Momma and become his second in command (includes dental and stock options). She has 24 hours to think about it.
- Is there any way to stop a super hungry flesh eating swarm of cyborg locusts?
- Did the evil scientist really create them to avenge his daughter against his ex-wife's daughter's promiscuous Coach diddling? How will his daughter cope?
- Will Geraldo really come to Solomon's River to kill Big Momma?
- Can Geraldo kill Big Momma before Angelica decides if she can kill Big Momma for a better minion job?
- What will Big Momma have to say?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Tripp and Jeff return from an important mission to buy explosives for Big Momma's trench/Native American blow-out, but they only have a lavender-vanilla Yankee Candle to show for it. Tripp's mother, Angelica, mistakes the candle for the dynamite they were supposed to buy, thinking it must be one excellent stick for the money. She plans to put it secretly on Native lands, blowing them up, securing Big Momma's trench, and getting her son and friend accolades. Tripp just gets the idea that they can sneak onto the reservation to buy themselves "some good stuff".
An evil laugh floats on a foul wind to Angelica: the self-styled "Uber Minion", who tried to eliminate Angelica to become Big Momma's only minion! He has returned, not with vengeance, but with an offer to join forces! He wants to dethrone Big Momma, which shocks Angelica. Angelica brags about the explosives that will finally complete Big Momma's plans! Unfortunately, a pizza delivery person interrupts them and unexpectedly whips out a lighter and lights up the candle. Angelica braces for the explosion, and everyone else relaxes with the lavender-vanilla. Angelica goes in search of her son. Uber Minion says he'll be waiting for her to join him...
Local weatherman Jeffrey Barber announces a plague of locusts about to swarm Solomon's River.
An old couple watching the report, Grandma and Grandpa, try to remember the last plague in aught-four. They grab their Bibles to pray and Grandpa notices some pages have been chewed out by their granddaughter, who should be changing Great-Grandpa. Grandma opens the door and locust swarm, eating them all down to skeletons.
The locust swarm continues to sweep across Solomon's River, closer and closer to the city proper.
A local hardware store tries to take advantage of the plague by discounting flamethrowers.
- What will Angelica do when confronting Tripp about the Yankee Candle?
- Will Tripp and Jeff find a mighty high on the reservation?
- Is Big Momma's time truly done, and is the Uber Minion strong enough to take her place?
- What's up with the plague of flesh-eating locusts?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv reveals to Princess Lakshmi that Magnus Adversson would give them all his money if Rajiv would kill him. They are horrified...and intrigued. It is a lot of money.
Spirit Animal Raccoon advises Native American Steve that a quest of killing Big Momma is a little out of his reach and that maybe Steve should just give her a flat tire. Spirit Animal Raccoon is rushing because there has been a rounding up of raccoons recently, and he wants to finish this vision quest so he can get out of Solomon's River. Steve, however, will not be hurried, possibly because he's been sniffing tire air, and possibly because he's trying to remember how and why he was in a tent.
Meanwhile, in a long-term nursing care facility, the nurse who has been caring for Patient Steve for the past eight years checks on him, now that she has turned down the incapacitating medication (unbeknownst to whoever has hidden him away). Finally, Steve is freed from the powerful narcotic and can answer her questions that his redacted medical records cannot: Why did someone do this to him, and who is that someone? Steve's memory is still hazy, but the JELLO is delicious. Suddenly, a woman leaps into the room, knocks the nurse on the head, and tells Steve that it's time to go to a rendezvous. This Steve will also not be hurried, as there is still JELLO left.
Angelica reports to Big Momma that the newly acquired son of Judge Graft, Ezekiel, has built four barns already and is showing no signs of stopping. She asks Big Momma why they want such an idiot, and Big Momma reveals her plans, which will put her into full Evil Mode: to force Ezekiel to have babies so they may sacrifice them in front of him. Angelica goes to check which way he swings, and to hopefully find some trashy Lowertown women to impregnate.
- Will Rajiv actually kill Magnus Adversson, by request, to inherit his money?
- Can Spirit Animal Raccoon manage to finish a vision quest, ANY vision quest, to get out of Solomon's River before he's captured and tested for VD?
- Who is Patient Steve, and how did the lady know that the nurse had secretly lowered his medication?
- Will Ezekiel make babies upon request, and what will sacrificing them do for Big Momma?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up on...Solomon's River!
Judge Graft visits Big Momma with Ezekiel, his first born son (from the month of June). Graft wants to exchange the barn-raising twenty-something for a campaign boost. Ezekiel is stoically scared, but Angelica lets him build a barn out back to calm him down. Graft is upset that the Jewish god Gigi has been supporting his Native American opponent, and he asks for an equal donation from Big Momma of $500,000. They give him $600,000 and he promises that any cases they need won or lost, he will help.
Princess Lakshmi changes Rajiv's adult diaper in a gap between the gun-happy robbers who seem to outnumber actual shoppers in the 7-11. She promises that he won't have to work there much longer as, secretly, her plan to expose her fake father is nearly complete. Lakshmi attends to the Diaper Genie as a customer enters: Magnus Adversson! Magnus and Rajiv harass each other for a while, and Magnus laments how old and tired he is. He needs someone to whom he can pass on his fortune, and Rajiv is more than willing; however, there is a catch: Magnus needs Rajiv to kill him!
A country bumpkin, Jeff Bob, enters Solomon's River General Hospital and finds no one except Gabby Plotpoint, the janitor. Jeff Bob has three choices: across the street with all the good nurses, down the hill to the warehouse with Dr. Scarlett and some not-so-good nurses, or the nursing home.
Dr. Scarlett's nurses were supposed to find patients, but only managed to get one nurse maced. The country bumpkin enters and Dr. Scarlett gets Nurse Steve to triage the man. Jeff Bob, had been married to Steve's sister Laverne for 20 years. He has been living in the woods the last 10 years and got an infection from lusting after "coon tang". Nurse Steve takes blood pressure poorly and another nurse recognizes the raccoon scratches and informs Jeff Bob that in order to treat him properly for rabies (and VD?) he needs to find the actual raccoon that scratched him. Jeff Bob says that he's been with so many raccoons, he can't possibly say which did it, so they'll have to gather ALL the raccoons. Nurse Steve lets Jeff Bob scoop up his own pain killers (Vicodin) and leaves for a smoke.
Brother Offenshitz has grown disillusioned with Brother Chiliwang's godlike powers (given to him by Princess Eveleen in the form of a stone up the nose) and he is leaving. Chiliwang, feeling superior, says that if he leaves, he can never return. Offenshitz smacks Chiliwang on the back of the head, finally dislodging the stone and relieving Chiliwang of the god-powers!
- What will Big Momma do with Ezekiel and what favors will she ask for from Judge Graft?
- Will Graft now win his reelection campaign against his Native American opponent?
- How will Lakshmi expose the father imposter?
- Will Rajiv kill Magnus for an inheritance?
- Can "all the raccoons" be gathered?
- What will become of the suddenly un-endowed Chiliwang?
- Does the god-stone still have powers?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv is burned out from being robbed over and over at the 7-11. Princess Lakshmi gives him a bullet-proof vest and adult diapers so he can keep working...and she can enact her plan to catch the white guy posing as her father.
A nurse checks on drooling Steve, a younger long-term patient in a nursing home facility. She ponders on how he might be if only he weren't on so much medication in his IV-drip. As there is no discernible reason for the incapacitating meds, she experiments, and turns it down.
Doctor Scarlett gathers his nurses in the new clinic. Now the only thing they need is patients. He encourages them to rustle up some business. The nurses troll the sidewalks, harassing passerby, until one is maced. Another nurse pounces on the opportunity and takes the maced nurse as a patient. Despite actually needing care, the nurses are chastised for being idiotic.
McShane continues his endless search for Tommy and Sally, which ends when Tommy and Sally show up. They explain they now have an apartment for the mentally challenged, which requires sterilization. Tommy and Sally invite McShane to a party in his honor for finding them and they say it will be the biggest street party in Solomon's River, ever! They get money from him to help rent a bounce house.
- Can Rajiv keep working at the 7-11, and will his vest and diaper be enough to help?
- Will Princess Lakshmi manage to expose the Imposter Poppa?
- Who is this mysterious Steve, and why was he on so much medication?
- How come nobody needs emergency help in Solomon's River?
- "Ain't no party like a Tommy and Sally party!" What does that mean??
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
