Episode 128

Bartholomew and Cletus grow worried, as Sally has been gone over an hour and has not yet returned with their possum. They argue regarding the wisdom of sending someone who had been lost in the woods for two days out into the woods once again. It also comes out that Mom liked Cletus better, mainly because he looks better in a skirt. Cletus is hungry, so they go out looking for her. 

 

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the woods, Sally wanders aimlessly, looking for Tommy and possums. She finds tracks which are bigger than her hand. She follows, ignoring the wolf howling, until she comes across a stranger who admits to having eaten the possum she was following. He invites her back to his place and she, of course, goes with him.

Elsewhere in the woods, Cletus demands to know why Bartholomew always leads, since he always gets them lost. After some back and forth, they apologize to each other. Cletus decides they have to go talk to the Old Man of the Woods. Ignoring the Old Man of the Forest who happens to be passing by, they follow the Old Man of the Woods trail in their quest to find the Old Man of the Woods.

Somewhere else, an old couple is fighting when the neighbor bangs on their wall, yelling for them to be quiet. Fred's wife Elizabeth tells him to talk with his neighbor, who refuses to come down (he has "the gout"), but instead sends down his older brother, Pedro, who is a retired luchador. Fred threatens to whoop his ass, but when Pedro arrives, they have a nice little chat about how cranky Pedro's younger brother is. His brother goads him to "Give 'em what for!" but Pedro says he'd rather just sit there and watch, which Fred and Elizabeth take him up on, inviting him into the bedroom.

Rajiv and Lakshmi have finally made their way out of the caverns, having eluded the zombies, at least for the moment. The Princess suggests, since they are the only two who know about the zombie infestation, that they call in a zombie professional. There is a knock on the door; it is the famous zombie professional, Brendita Scarf! Brendita agrees to save Solomon's River!

Later, at Brendita Scarf's place, Brendita's secretary is trying to tell a frantic man that her boss has no time free in her schedule to see him. He needs to tell her that there are zombies everywhere! The secretary tries to send him back outside, but he says he'll do anything rather than go back out there. She asks him to "step into this cage with these other gentlemen," and promises to get back to him later on. There he is informed by another man that they are to be used as "bait" by the zombie hunter. While there may be free Twinkies, he is still upset and wants to plan to escape, but gets little help from his fellow captives, one who actually volunteered. Suddenly, one of the men in the cage reveals himself to be a zombie, and chaos ensues!

• Will Bartholomew and Cletus find Sally?
• Will Sally be safe with this new stranger?
• Will Pedro be content to sit and watch?
• Can Brendita Scarf solve the zombie crisis?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 127

Angelica presents Big Momma with spell ingredients gathered from Uber Minion, only one eyelash short; however, Big Momma says she doesn't need the lash to still get rid of everyone who is against her!  Uber Minion enters, wisely slathered in Crisco (an effective spell repellent), to take out Big Momma once and for all.  Big Momma sends Angelica to wake Big Poppa, who has been in a spell-induced coma since 1976 when he annoyed his wife.  Big Poppa proceeds to slap the Uber Minion around before taking him off to spoon.  Angelica picks up the spell ingredients which have fallen to the floor.  Big Momma is confident, but Angelica suspects the creeblies and dust bunnies from the floor may cause trouble with the spell-casting.

The Lynching Party had cookies and eggnog, but never got around to the lynching.  Only a few party-goers remain, and while Greta would still like to lynch, Frieda is nervous because one of Big Momma's cats had been lurking outside her window.  They compromise by sending Bertrandina, new to their group, to bring Big Momma a peace offering of leftover Christmas lynching cookies.

Meanwhile, shirtless hillbillies Bartholomew and Cletus attempt to use the lost Sally as their personal servant, not understanding the limits of her intelligence.  Directed to skin and boil a dead possum, when she touches it, the animal springs back to life and escapes.  Bartholomew and Cletus send her out to the woods to bring it back.  Sally finds a slow loris, but no possum.

Sergeant Smegley mans the police department desk phone, taking a noise complaint from a residence near Rajiv's Coffee Shop.  Policeman Joe Bob brings the Sergeant doughnuts but is, tragically, sent out to investigate.

Unbeknownst to Joe Bob, Lakshmi and Rajiv made it from the caverns back to the coffee shop, closing the trap door behind them.  As they began to set up for business, they heard a thumping sound from the basement ran for it as zombies pushed through the trap door.  It is at that moment policeman Joe Bob enters, trying to interview the patrons who turn out to be zombies.  The newly nibbled and zombie-fied policeman is after jelly doughnuts, and he assaults a public drunk to get some.

• How will Uber Minion escape the attentions of Big Poppa?
• Will Big Poppa acclimate to the new century?
• Will Big Momma's spell go as planned...or not?
• Will Big Momma accept lynching cookies in exchange for peace?
• Does Sally have healing powers?
• How fast does a zombie plague spread?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 126

Rajiv managed not only to avoid the shuffling zombies chasing him in the caverns, but he also found Lakshmi.  Before they work together to escape, she makes Rajiv declare her a free woman, and he makes Lakshmi proclaim her love for him.  They pinkie swear on it.  He promises to have his wife declared dead.

Frieda and Greta invite others to their witch lynch party and they decide to combine it with the upcoming holidays and make it a Christmas lynching.  John is in charge of the food, twins Timmy and Tommy choose the Christmas/lynching carol list, and someone else is in charge of the garland, which will be used to string up the witches.  Frieda and Greta tell everyone to meet back with their goodies, and then they'll lynch the Queen of the Witches.

Sally is with McShane and she is worried for the freshly lost-in-the-forest Tommy.  McShane suggests they search together, which Sally remembers is what got them all lost in the first place.  She brilliantly suggests a rope, so they don't get separated.  Not-brilliantly, she gives the entire rope to McShane.  After they leave for the forest, Tommy arrives to find they are gone.

Angelica sneaks into Uber Minion's room to gather the ingredients which Big Momma, aka Queen of the Witches, needs to cast a spell on the plotting Uber.  Angelica manages toenail clippings and a spare toupee before Uber returns and discovers her.  She takes the opportunity to cut off one of his ears and take an eye.  He promises to kill her someday.  She has forgotten to get an eyelash.

John comes home to rope his mother into making cookies for their Christmas lynching party.  His alcoholic father lurks in the background, and John has trouble reading the recipe.

Meanwhile, at Solomon's River General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett asks Nurse where all the other nurses are and she explains the NurseNudist-etc-Nado.  Nurse leaves with the nurse roster to find them.  After she leaves, McShane confronts Dr. Scarlett and announces his intention to kill him to avenge Tommy and Sally's baby.  Dr. Scarlett explains that Sally was never pregnant because there is a need for intercourse before there can be a baby.

With McShane at the hospital, Sally is all alone in the middle of the forest.  Two rubes, Bartholomew and Cletus, offer to help the crying woman and invite her back to their shack in the woods.  She goes...

• Will Rajiv and Lakshmi keep their promises to love and honor?  What will Mrs. Rajiv do when she discovers she has been declared dead?
• Will Big Momma's spell work without an eyelash?  What will Uber Minion do without depth perception or a spare toupee?
• Can Big Momma cast her spell and keep the witches safe against the impending lynch mob?
• Can John's Christmas lynching cookies possibly come out okay?
• Will Nurse find the other tossed-about nurses?
• Is McShane satisfied with Dr. Scarlett's explanation of how babies are made?
• What will become of Sally?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 125

Angelica grovels at Big Momma's feet, promising she's the best minion ever. The minions have been getting the place ready for the party when Uber Minion comes in and starts brown-nosing Big Momma. Uber Minion touches Momma, who warns him never to touch her again, but he threatens that he could "snap her like a twig"! Angelica back-hands Uber Minion, causing a mild nose bleed. Big Momma wants to know why, since he is a minion, he is not grovelling. He answers that perhaps he does not want to be a minion any more; perhaps he wants to be Big Momma! He muses that he could get a sex transplant, which apparently involves having a penis on his forehead. Uber Minion pulls out a big knife, which Angelica knocks from his hand. Big Momma then reveals that she is also Queen of the Witches! Angelica offers to help Big Momma cast a spell by collecting the necessary ingredients. The needs one of his toenails, and eyelash, one of his ears, one of his eyes, and his toupee. 

Meanwhile, at the Solomon's River Police Department,  Detective Smegley comes in and greets Greta, his new secretary, who actually turns out to be Greta's grandmother; Smegley has mistaken one for the other because they look so much alike. Lieutenant Bustybottoms comes in and finds Smegley in an uncooperative mood. Smegley believes that since he got his promotion, he no longer needs to listen to Bustybottoms. The Lieutenant lets it slide and sends him off for coffee. Bustybottoms is perturbed there's an old person in the station, but overlooks it for Greta's sake. A woman, Freida,  enters to report that her next door neighbor is Queen of the Witches, complete with minions! Bustybottoms ignores her pleas for help until he can get his coffee. Greta offers to take care of the witch problem, even though she's been afraid of them since Sunday school. They leave to gather a lynch mob.

Tony admonishes Soup Bone for killing Timmy in broad daylight. They start to plan their escape in Tony's Porsche (complete with Priscilla once again tied up in the trunk) when Timmy returns to life as a zombie! 

Now that McShane has finally gotten rid of Tommy and Sally, he believes he can get some work done. Unfortunately, he is haunted by their voices, accusing him of leaving them in the woods to die. McShane finally gives in an screams that he will go back to the forest to find them, but doesn't have to, because they right behind him. There is a joyful reunion complete with some awkward moments. Sally tells McShane that the doctor killed her baby; McShane offers to go find the doctor and kill him. Sally is a little concerned that that's what he's jumping to, but lets him go anyway. Tommy leaves to go to the forest.

• Will Uber Minion become the new Big Momma?
• Will Angelica manage to collect all the necessary ingredients for thespell?
• Will Greta and Freida be able to raise a lynch party?
• What will Timmy do, now that he's a zombie?
• Will McShane kill Doctor Scarlett over a non-existent baby?

 Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
 

Episode 124

Mousy Librarian finds Jervis, who is amazed not only to find her alive, but pregnant! Especially given the fact that neither of them remembers any "horizontal action". Mousy reminds him about being cryogenically frozen after their adventures in the Caverns and her brief time being controlled by a chip placed in her head by H.A.L., the evil computer-twin of Dr. Scarlet. Suddenly, Mousy hears H.A.L.'s voice telling her to tell Jervis he has to marry her. When Jervis fails to respond, H.A.L. tells her to take out the gun. They struggle for the gun, and once Jervis is incapacitated by a sudden groin injury, H.A.L. instructs her to implant a chip in his backside, which much to Jervis' surprise, she does.

Meanwhile, McShane and Tommy, still wandering in the forest, almost find each other. Tommy hears Sally, and promptly wanders off after her. Nobody finds anyone.

At Solomon's River Police Department, Det. Smegly is taking calls as Lt. Bustybottoms come out and tells him to order a pizza and say how awesome his butt is. Bustybottoms offers Smegly a promotion, as long as he can go arrest someone within the next 30 seconds. Smegly returns with a serial killer and gives him his promotion.

Meanwhile, at the Adversson mansion, the British secret agents have returned from their China trip. Magnus enters, and one tries to get him to tell about the microchip plant by not-so-cleverly by dropping the words "China" and "microchip secret facility" into conversation. When he is unsuccessful, the second agent tries her hand, discovering that China was ruse to steer them away from Scotland, Uzbekistan, Magnus' granddaughters, and some secret vision. They think he knows more, but it has been wiped from his mind. They settle on asking him about the factory. He admits to building it to create an A.I. for the purposes of, as Magnus puts it, "something rhyming with 'furled cromination.'" Despite the fact that the factory had been closed down years ago, the agents report seeing a recent spike in microchip orders.

Tony's pals, Soup Bone, Ginger Butt, Super B and others get together to plan to break Tony out of jail. The discussion soon turns divisive, with rival factions vying for control of the Solomon's River drug trade. They wonder if they should leave Tony in jail instead, metaphysically dead. Ginger Butt fills them in on the details of a PBS special on the risks of pot smoking, and Soup Bone's mom comes to call him home for dinner. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the gang, Tony is already out of jail and has been alerted to their treachery by his friend Timmy. Tony comes to confront them, and a lot of yelling ensues. Soup Bone's mom returns to chastise the group for not giving him enough time to play with them. They apologize, Soup Bone returns, there's more yelling and Soup Bone ends up killing Timmy.

• Will Jervis and Mousy figure out where the baby came from?
• What will happen now that Jervis has a microchip up his butt?
• Will Lt. Bustybottoms get his pizza?
• Why are microchips being ordered from a factory that's been closed for years?
• What will happen now that Tony is no longer metaphorically dead?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Solomon's River Lowertown Ladies?

Which one could be Grandma Poppy?  Perhaps these are just her minions.

Thank you to Mr. Ylung for finding this photograph.

Episode 123

At Rajiv's Coffee Shop, Rajiv admonishes the captive Princess Lakshmi to keep quiet, but becomes concerned when she doesn't respond. He goes down into the basement to check on her, only to find a great big hole in the wall. He follows the princess into the tunnel, hoping to find both her and the Dr. Pibb she stole.

Meanwhile, at Solomon's River General Hospital, Nurse alerts Dr Scarlett to some strange reports; a young boy came in complaining he had been bitten by a fish. Nurse fetches the young boy, who she has tied up in another room because he was foaming at the mouth and making strange noises. The boy identifies himself as "Ah-wa-wa-wah", and the Nurse promptly takes colon samples to test.

Down in the Lowertown Whore Village, Big Momma has taught Goldilocks enough to give her the confidence to go out and put what she's learned to the test. Big Momma stops her, telling her she needs more training. Apparently a banana is needed. Goldilocks wants Jezebel and Sinnamon to teach her their ways, but they insist Big Mama's the one to show her what to do with the banana. Big Momma takes the whole thing down without even having to chew. Goldilocks needs a "hook"; Jezebel suggest she uses her vagina, so Goldilocks figures putting a literal hook in her vagina would be the best way to go. Sinnamon refines the idea by suggesting teeth instead of a hook. Goldilock's a man-eater!

Ten minutes later: Goldilocks has been fitted with her new teeth, but she's concerned because they keep pushing her legs open. Now she wants to test them on a man. They fetch a man from downstairs, and she has her chance! Borrowing a room from Jezebel, Goldilocks spends 20 minutes making him half the man he used to be.

Meanwhile, somewhere else, Quentin is asking Priscilla, recently rescued from a Porsche's trunk, about Tony, the former owner of said Porsche. She warns him he's very tough; he's the one who tied her up and put her in the trunk and he's got lots of tough friends. On cue, Tony shows up, demanding to know what she's doing out of the trunk. Quentin tries to explain he's just been washing the car; Tony admonishes him for doing a horrible job. Priscilla gets put back in the trunk, Quentin is given the opportunity to finish the cleaning job with a spit-shine, even though he's out of spit.

Meanwhile, deep in the caverns beneath Solomon's River: Lakshmi wanders the tunnel, sipping Dr. Pibb. She hears Rajiv calling, and she hides. After repeatedly burning his fingers with short-lived matches, Rajiv is assailed by…zombies?

• Will Rajiv ever be reunited with Princess Lakshmi?
• Will Big Mama let Goldilocks ply her trade?
• Will Priscilla ever get out of the truck?
• Will Quentin regain his spit?
• Will Rajiv get out of the caverns alive?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!