Episode 122

Princess Lakshmi scratches quietly at a wall in Rajiv's Coffee Shop basement, chipping out a portion of the wall where she believed she found a tunnel entrance when previously kidnapped and held there.  She must hide her work from Rajiv when he comes for Dr Pibb supplies.  Finally, he leaves, and she breaks through!  The faint voice of a man "trapped back here for decades!" causes her to quickly close up the hole.  Thinking she must have chosen the wrong wall, the princess scrapes again somewhere else.

Meanwhile, at the police station, the dude Quentin shows up for the police auction.  For $1, Detective Smegly sells him a drug car pulled from a river.  The detective promises the Porsche has been cleaned up.  Driving away, Quentin hears a tiny voice coming from the trunk calling, "Help me!"  A kidnapped girl, Priscilla, is inside, and reveals she was the girlfriend of the car's former owner, who was a drug dealing jerk.  She is wary of getting in with Quentin because if Tony is not in jail, he is sure to be out for vengeance.

Deep below the waves in Flounder's residence, Flounder disbelieves the news that his old friend, Split-Tail, a formerly shunned Merman, is back from the dead and killing the Merpeople.  Flounder hears a splishy knock at the door and Split-Tail himself shamble-swims through, swearing vengeance on all People and Merpeople.  An unsuspecting pizza delivery guy arrives with Flounder's personal pan pizza, and, as promised, is revenged-upon by Split-Tail.  Distraught, Flounder doesn't realize the danger, and is bit by his undead best friend to become one of the undead himself!  Split-Tail reveals he is creating an Army of the Undead Fish World.  Flounder has no choice but to join him and begin the next phase of Split-Tail's revenge: death to humans!

• Will Princess Lakshmi find a tunnel that actually leads to the outside world?
• Will Rajiv find a more constructive way to express his love?
• Is Tony in jail, or will he come looking for his girlfriend and his Porsche?
• Will Quentin learn how to drive stick?
• What will happen to humankind now that undead, zombie fish and Merpeople are waging war on them?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in Solomon's River!

Episode 121

We open Solomon's River with Rajiv polishing his counter once again, musing on how quiet things have been of late. At that moment his wife bursts in and explains that she has been held prisoner in a Pakistani prison for a year because his girlfriend, Princess Lakshmi, told them that Mrs. Rajiv was a terrorist! Rajiv denies having a girlfriend, although he does tell his wife not to look in the basement. Mrs. Rajiv declares that she is alright with his girlfriend "being where she cannot see her". Having acquiesced to this new living arrangement, Mrs. Rajiv leaves to go to the store so she can make dinner. Rajiv takes this opportunity to visit Lakshmi beneath the trapdoor. As she berates him for leaving her trapped in his basement, Mrs. Rajiv returns for the car keys. Rajiv admits he left them in the car, at which point he is yelled at again and told they will "talk about this later." Lakshmi now knows that Rajiv's wife has returned! The princess hopes Mrs. Rajiv will help her escape, until she is reminded about all that Pakistani prison/terrorist stuff. Rajiv agrees to un-strap Lakshmi from the wall, as long as she promises not to try to escape. She promises, fingers crossed.  Rajiv leaves.

Tripp is reunited with his mother, Angelica. He explains how he went into a house to ask for "23 pounds" and ended up with what looks like a child strapped to his chest. Angelica tell him how he used to have a twin, but it was absorbed into his body, apparently not completely. Tripp wonders if they could slice it off, or use "Icy Hot" to remove it. Angelica, dipping into her vast reservoir of knowledge regarding all things illegal, tells him she knows just the place to go to have it removed. She'll help him if he agrees to help her find an old man.

Princess Evaleene is being chased by her sycophants.

Two dudes discover their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to report the theft and Det. Smegly takes their information. The car was parked next to Solomon's River Canyon, but he cannot seem to get any more helpful information from them other than the car is blue with rust spots. At that moment, Mrs. Rajiv comes in to report that there is a car in their driveway that is not theirs, then leaves just as suddenly. The detective tells the dude he'll look for his car, but it will take a couple of weeks. The dude wants to borrow a car, but the detective is not very helpful, giving them a flyer for an auction that takes place in a month. After the dudes complain about how they can't go without a car for a month, Det. Smegly moves the auction up to tomorrow.

• Is Rajiv's wife really okay with these living arrangements?
• Will Princess Lakshmi be content staying in the basement, drinking nothing but old, warm Dr. Pibb?
• Will Tripp come to love his partially absorbed twin?
• What does Angelica want with an old man?
• Can Det. Smegly find the dude's car, or will he be forced to lend them a police cruiser?
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Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in Solomon's River!

Episode 120

Rajiv is visited by Magnus Aversson, the extraordinarily old, rich patriarch of Solomon's River who doesn't quite remember what he's been up to, except that he "came to in a forest".  Slowly, Magnus remembers that he has children and likes rhubarb pie.

Meanwhile, Angelica the sub-minion visits her secret place in the woods where she kept the only joy in her life, her "boy toy".  She had whacked him on the head and gave him pills so he didn't wake up, but he's gone!  Angelica follows his trail.  Unbeknownst to her, her rival minion has been spying on her and reports Angelica's secret to Mistress Evil.  Mistress Evil doesn't seem to remember Angelica, and the head minion thinks this may be his chance to take out his boss!  He attempts strangulation, then a blow to the head, but Mistress is nonplussed.  He leaves to continue minion work and spying.

Magnus Aversson is making the rounds and visits Solomon's River Hospital.  He reports having an erection that has lasted more than four hours and wonders if someone drugged him.  Dr. Scarlett says he can't help Magnus as he's not a "gynecologist for men".  Just then, Nurse returns, wearing only a poor shift from the Healing Woman in the woods after falling from the NurseNudistNeoNaziNarcanonaNado.  Nurse assures Magnus she can help.  Dr. Scarlett will assist.

In the land of the Merpeople, the Mer-King and his family gather to pay their respects to the formerly shunned Split-Tail, who had been killed by a human's submarine.  While it's difficult for the Merpeople to endure looking at Split-Tail's horrible disfigurement, as a fellow creature of the sea, they must honor him by singing the Mermaid song--it is beautiful!  Their song unexpectedly reanimates a zombie Split-Tail who vows revenge!  Merpeople try to shun him, but in the face of the undead monster fish, they must scatter.  Split-Tail strangles the nearest Mer-Princess.

Pussy Galore, the experienced hooker, is helping educate the former rich snob-turned-hooker Goldilocks.  Pussy strips Goldilocks down to her skivvies to make her more whore-like.  Goldilocks wants to "test" her rich fiancee, Rich, as he leaves work by letting Pussy Galore tempt him.  They go to his prestigious law firm in downtown Solomon's River.  Pussy strolls over and Rich easily falls for her whore charms!  Pussy sets up a meeting in one hour at The Blue Dolphin, the place with all the troublesome mermaids.  Pussy won't be the whore who shows up, however, it will be Goldilocks!

• Even though it was never very good, will Magnus' memory return?  Will he remember being kidnapped by Angelica the sub-minion?  Will Nurse and Dr. Scarlett be able to deal with his four-plus hour, old man hard-on?
• What will the head minion do if he catches Angelica?  Will he be able to take out Mistress Evil and become boss?
• What will happen now that zombie-ism has come to the Merpeople and Split-Tail is back from death and howling for revenge?
• What will become of Rich when he finds out his fiancee has tricked him into meeting a hooker at a cheap motel?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 119

Rajiv is frustrated by Sally's lack of woodworking skills and drives Sally away from the Witness Program Detective Smegly provided.

Big Momma, evil Cult Leader, is positioning herself to take over Solomon's River.  Minion Angelica, former minion of Carla Calvera (thought to have been buried alive in a mine explosion), grovels at Big Momma's feet.  Big Momma's upper level minion arrives with voodoo dolls, created in the likenesses of the City Council members, and reminds Angelica of her place.  They find that one councilman poses a problem.  The others have hair to add to their dolls, but one, Councilman Rivers, suffers from trichotillomania (the psychological disorder that makes you pull out all your hair) and is bald.  The upper minion leaves to see what he can do.

Meanwhile, in a Tim Hortons, a lowly worker announces to his boss that fellow worker Mikie, after many doughnuts and four iced capps, barfed in the men's room again.  Manager John warns their Republican owner will not be happy.  It is revealed that the Republican owner, who won't pay for healthcare, has given forced ultrasounds on everyone, even the men.  The lowly worker suggests they lock Mikie in overnight to teach him a lesson, but Mr. John has a better idea: they will instead steal as much as they can and leave town.  First, however, they must disable the camera system and remove all traces of their plotting. There is a shimmering in the air and the sound of static.  H.A.L., the once-thwarted evil hologram of Dr. Scarlett has reappeared!  H.A.L. offers to help with the camera system and they give him the password, 2-4-5-niner.  Manager John and the lowly worker take money, doughnuts, and the owner's Corvette, skipping away from their lives, leaving the security and computer system in the hands of H.A.L....

McShane wanders the woods, calling for the lost Tommy and Sally.  He hears Tommy's voice calling his name, but it gets fainter and fainter.

Tommy wanders the woods, calling for the lost McShane and Sally.  He hears Sally's voice calling his name, and it gets louder and louder.  Emerging from the trees, they finally find each other and embrace.  Thinking that the hug may once again have impregnated her, she tells Tommy that Dr. Scarlett killed their previous baby.  Tommy vows to kill the doctor with a rock.  They each go to look for a big enough weapon... in opposite directions.

Back in Solomon's River, a rich woman finds herself in a "whore lair", after being ditched by her rich friend Muffy when confronted on Hooker's Corner.  Two hookers, Scarlett and Pussy Galore, hold the rich woman captive.  A voice, gravelly from years on the street, gives the rich woman her whore name: "Goldilocks."  The Head Whore has named her, and Goldilocks now wants hooker training in an attempt to secure her fiancee, Rich, who already is cheating on her.  She stays to learn "The Tricks of the Trade".

• Will Detective Smegly be mad at Rajiv for not providing a more secure Witness Program?
• How will the head minion secure hair from a bald man?
• What will happen if Big Momma takes control of the City Council?
• Will Mr. John and his minimum-wage worker get away with their theft from Tim Hortons?
• What will happen now that H.A.L. is worming his way back into electronics?
• Will McShane find Tommy and Sally?  Will Tommy and Sally lose each other?
• Will the hookers in Whore Lair help Goldilocks secure Rich, the rich fiancee?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 118

The hillbilly who found Nurse, whose clothes were ripped off in the NurseNudistNeonaziNarcanoNado, helps her cover up with some mud.  Nurse wants to get back to Dr. Scarlett at Solomon's River General Hospital, but the best the hillbilly can do is "The Healer Man" who turns out to be "The Healer Woman".  The Healer Woman gets Nurse into clothes and tries to find a map to get her back into town.

A janitor, sweeping up, laments the mess that the NurseNudistNeonaziNarcanoNado has left behind.

Tommy, alone in the woods, calls out, "Sally!"  Faintly, he hears her voice, "Tommy!"  Not quite as faintly, he hears McShane's voice, "Tommy!"  He begins to believe the woods may be haunted.

Dr. Scarlett's replacement nurse, Nurse Jim, is a poor replacement for Nurse.  The female patients, however, enjoy his sponge baths.

Detective Smegly enlists the help of Rajiv at his coffee shop, which is under renovation.  Detective Smegly needs Rajiv to help him put a person into the Witness Program, sans "Protection".  He promises she will be able to help Rajiv remodel, and put up cove molding.  Rajiv agrees and is presented with Sally.  Sally is willing to do anything that gets her closer to finding Tommy.

Meanwhile, on Hooker's Corner, arguing hookers are interrupted by two lost townies, Muffy and her rich friend.  Muffy saves herself by giving the whores her rich friend and running away.

• Who is this backwoods Healer Woman?  Can she help Nurse find Solomon's River again?
• Will Tommy find his way out of the woods?  Are those woods really haunted?
• How will Nurse Jim cope with all the old, naked, disease-riddled bodies he must wash?
• How will Sally do cutting molding?
• What will become of Muffy's rich friend, now in the hands of Solomon's River's hookers?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 117

The sky-gazing hillbilly and The Discovery Channel's Glen Aldridge are near enough to the NurseNudistNeonaziNarcanoNado to be hit by nurse-sized hail, which was actually Dr. Scarlett's Nurse, fallen from the 'nado, the clothes ripped from her body.  The hillbilly offers to help the naked woman.

Tommy, wandering the woods looking forlornly for Sally, instead runs into McShane, who had been missing longer.  McShane offers to help the simple man.

Meanwhile, in Solomon's River proper, Sally wants to go back into the forest to look for Tommy, but Detective Smegly prevents her, saying it's too dangerous.  He takes her to the police station to wait safely.  When they get to the station, a beat officer is there already, accompanied by a hooker, who swears she is an "exotic dancer".  Smegly has the officer fingerprint her, but the harried detective still has Sally, who remains terribly upset.  To placate Sally, Detective Smegly promises to leave immediately to find Tommy.  After he is gone, Sally discovers a loaded service revolver, which she keeps "in case [she] needs it."

Dr. Scarlett orders an orderly to find a patient who left without paying: Sally.  The doctor warns that Sally may be distraught because she thinks he killed her baby, which he didn't, he swears.

McShane is having a difficult time with the very upset Tommy.  In the middle of McShane's attempt at a sensible conversation, Tommy has the realization that he loves Sally and he wants to have her baby.  McShane can say nothing that doesn't upset Tommy further, and Tommy flees.

• Are bodies falling from the NurseNudistNeonaziNarcanoNado because it's finally slowing down?  Will the end of the 'Nado be the end of the Discovery Channel's new reality show?
• Can Detective Smegly help Sally, who now has a revolver, and can McShane help Tommy, who is running randomly through the woods?  Will the orderly find Sally first?
• What is the cause of the disproportionately large prostitution problem in Solomon's River?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 116

The Discovery Channel has sent Glen Aldridge and a small crew to Solomon's River to investigate reports of unusual weather phenomenon (do dooo, do do-do.)  A backwoodsman excitedly recounts his sighting of the nursenado and how it swept through the Solomon's River Nudist Camp, perhaps making "involuntary nudists" of the nurses already inside.  Glen mentions that The National Guard has been deployed to stop the nursenudistnado and slyly implants the suggestion that perhaps the nursenudistnado.  The Discovery Channel's producer is excited because this is the first step to inspire a new reality TV show.  She leaves a card in case the hillbilly sees something else.

Dr. Scarlett is wandering alone through the forest when he encounters Sally who became separated from Tommy during the storm.  Sally is very upset and alternately calls out "Stranger danger!" and "Tommy!"  She confesses to Dr. Scarlett that she is pregnant, and, with great difficulty, he gets her to leave with him for an examination.  After they leave, Tommy wanders by, calling forlornly, "Sally?  The baby..."

Detective Smegly notices all the evidence of a natural disaster and stumbles upon a nudist, recently dropped from the nursenudistnado.  Hearing their conversation, a woman of distinction enters and gives her report, too.  The following exchange was made:
Detective: Where did the nursenudistnado go?
Nudist: North.
Woman: North?
Nudist: For now.
Woman: Why, that's where the Neo-Nazis meet!
Nudist: No!
Woman: Yes, in the old, abandoned nuclear power plant.
Nudist: That's nasty.
Woman: I heard they're having a Narcanon meeting there now.
Detective: I must go nab this nursenudistnado!

To the north, a wooshing sound is heard over the "Heils" of the Neo-Nazis and Helmut's confession to the group that he is a junkie.  The wooshing gets louder and louder and the entirety of the Neo-Nazis get sucked up into the nursenudistnado.  "Ach, du Lieber!"

Dr. Scarlett does a sonogram on Sally and tells her she's not pregnant.  Sally thinks that perhaps Dr. Scarlett has killed her baby.

• Will Sally and Tommy ever reunite?
• When they do, how will Tommy take it when he finds out Dr. Scarlett examined Sally and didn't find a baby?  What about Sally's suspicion that Dr. Scarlett killed the baby?
• How will Sally ever pay the hospital bill?
• What will the meddling of The Discovery Channel do to Solomon's River in their quest for a backwoods alien conspiracy reality television show?
• How long can a nursenudistneonazinarcanonado stay in the air?  Where will it go next...

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!