Episode 126

Rajiv managed not only to avoid the shuffling zombies chasing him in the caverns, but he also found Lakshmi.  Before they work together to escape, she makes Rajiv declare her a free woman, and he makes Lakshmi proclaim her love for him.  They pinkie swear on it.  He promises to have his wife declared dead.

Frieda and Greta invite others to their witch lynch party and they decide to combine it with the upcoming holidays and make it a Christmas lynching.  John is in charge of the food, twins Timmy and Tommy choose the Christmas/lynching carol list, and someone else is in charge of the garland, which will be used to string up the witches.  Frieda and Greta tell everyone to meet back with their goodies, and then they'll lynch the Queen of the Witches.

Sally is with McShane and she is worried for the freshly lost-in-the-forest Tommy.  McShane suggests they search together, which Sally remembers is what got them all lost in the first place.  She brilliantly suggests a rope, so they don't get separated.  Not-brilliantly, she gives the entire rope to McShane.  After they leave for the forest, Tommy arrives to find they are gone.

Angelica sneaks into Uber Minion's room to gather the ingredients which Big Momma, aka Queen of the Witches, needs to cast a spell on the plotting Uber.  Angelica manages toenail clippings and a spare toupee before Uber returns and discovers her.  She takes the opportunity to cut off one of his ears and take an eye.  He promises to kill her someday.  She has forgotten to get an eyelash.

John comes home to rope his mother into making cookies for their Christmas lynching party.  His alcoholic father lurks in the background, and John has trouble reading the recipe.

Meanwhile, at Solomon's River General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett asks Nurse where all the other nurses are and she explains the NurseNudist-etc-Nado.  Nurse leaves with the nurse roster to find them.  After she leaves, McShane confronts Dr. Scarlett and announces his intention to kill him to avenge Tommy and Sally's baby.  Dr. Scarlett explains that Sally was never pregnant because there is a need for intercourse before there can be a baby.

With McShane at the hospital, Sally is all alone in the middle of the forest.  Two rubes, Bartholomew and Cletus, offer to help the crying woman and invite her back to their shack in the woods.  She goes...

• Will Rajiv and Lakshmi keep their promises to love and honor?  What will Mrs. Rajiv do when she discovers she has been declared dead?
• Will Big Momma's spell work without an eyelash?  What will Uber Minion do without depth perception or a spare toupee?
• Can Big Momma cast her spell and keep the witches safe against the impending lynch mob?
• Can John's Christmas lynching cookies possibly come out okay?
• Will Nurse find the other tossed-about nurses?
• Is McShane satisfied with Dr. Scarlett's explanation of how babies are made?
• What will become of Sally?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 125

Angelica grovels at Big Momma's feet, promising she's the best minion ever. The minions have been getting the place ready for the party when Uber Minion comes in and starts brown-nosing Big Momma. Uber Minion touches Momma, who warns him never to touch her again, but he threatens that he could "snap her like a twig"! Angelica back-hands Uber Minion, causing a mild nose bleed. Big Momma wants to know why, since he is a minion, he is not grovelling. He answers that perhaps he does not want to be a minion any more; perhaps he wants to be Big Momma! He muses that he could get a sex transplant, which apparently involves having a penis on his forehead. Uber Minion pulls out a big knife, which Angelica knocks from his hand. Big Momma then reveals that she is also Queen of the Witches! Angelica offers to help Big Momma cast a spell by collecting the necessary ingredients. The needs one of his toenails, and eyelash, one of his ears, one of his eyes, and his toupee. 

Meanwhile, at the Solomon's River Police Department,  Detective Smegley comes in and greets Greta, his new secretary, who actually turns out to be Greta's grandmother; Smegley has mistaken one for the other because they look so much alike. Lieutenant Bustybottoms comes in and finds Smegley in an uncooperative mood. Smegley believes that since he got his promotion, he no longer needs to listen to Bustybottoms. The Lieutenant lets it slide and sends him off for coffee. Bustybottoms is perturbed there's an old person in the station, but overlooks it for Greta's sake. A woman, Freida,  enters to report that her next door neighbor is Queen of the Witches, complete with minions! Bustybottoms ignores her pleas for help until he can get his coffee. Greta offers to take care of the witch problem, even though she's been afraid of them since Sunday school. They leave to gather a lynch mob.

Tony admonishes Soup Bone for killing Timmy in broad daylight. They start to plan their escape in Tony's Porsche (complete with Priscilla once again tied up in the trunk) when Timmy returns to life as a zombie! 

Now that McShane has finally gotten rid of Tommy and Sally, he believes he can get some work done. Unfortunately, he is haunted by their voices, accusing him of leaving them in the woods to die. McShane finally gives in an screams that he will go back to the forest to find them, but doesn't have to, because they right behind him. There is a joyful reunion complete with some awkward moments. Sally tells McShane that the doctor killed her baby; McShane offers to go find the doctor and kill him. Sally is a little concerned that that's what he's jumping to, but lets him go anyway. Tommy leaves to go to the forest.

• Will Uber Minion become the new Big Momma?
• Will Angelica manage to collect all the necessary ingredients for thespell?
• Will Greta and Freida be able to raise a lynch party?
• What will Timmy do, now that he's a zombie?
• Will McShane kill Doctor Scarlett over a non-existent baby?

 Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
 

Episode 124

Mousy Librarian finds Jervis, who is amazed not only to find her alive, but pregnant! Especially given the fact that neither of them remembers any "horizontal action". Mousy reminds him about being cryogenically frozen after their adventures in the Caverns and her brief time being controlled by a chip placed in her head by H.A.L., the evil computer-twin of Dr. Scarlet. Suddenly, Mousy hears H.A.L.'s voice telling her to tell Jervis he has to marry her. When Jervis fails to respond, H.A.L. tells her to take out the gun. They struggle for the gun, and once Jervis is incapacitated by a sudden groin injury, H.A.L. instructs her to implant a chip in his backside, which much to Jervis' surprise, she does.

Meanwhile, McShane and Tommy, still wandering in the forest, almost find each other. Tommy hears Sally, and promptly wanders off after her. Nobody finds anyone.

At Solomon's River Police Department, Det. Smegly is taking calls as Lt. Bustybottoms come out and tells him to order a pizza and say how awesome his butt is. Bustybottoms offers Smegly a promotion, as long as he can go arrest someone within the next 30 seconds. Smegly returns with a serial killer and gives him his promotion.

Meanwhile, at the Adversson mansion, the British secret agents have returned from their China trip. Magnus enters, and one tries to get him to tell about the microchip plant by not-so-cleverly by dropping the words "China" and "microchip secret facility" into conversation. When he is unsuccessful, the second agent tries her hand, discovering that China was ruse to steer them away from Scotland, Uzbekistan, Magnus' granddaughters, and some secret vision. They think he knows more, but it has been wiped from his mind. They settle on asking him about the factory. He admits to building it to create an A.I. for the purposes of, as Magnus puts it, "something rhyming with 'furled cromination.'" Despite the fact that the factory had been closed down years ago, the agents report seeing a recent spike in microchip orders.

Tony's pals, Soup Bone, Ginger Butt, Super B and others get together to plan to break Tony out of jail. The discussion soon turns divisive, with rival factions vying for control of the Solomon's River drug trade. They wonder if they should leave Tony in jail instead, metaphysically dead. Ginger Butt fills them in on the details of a PBS special on the risks of pot smoking, and Soup Bone's mom comes to call him home for dinner. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the gang, Tony is already out of jail and has been alerted to their treachery by his friend Timmy. Tony comes to confront them, and a lot of yelling ensues. Soup Bone's mom returns to chastise the group for not giving him enough time to play with them. They apologize, Soup Bone returns, there's more yelling and Soup Bone ends up killing Timmy.

• Will Jervis and Mousy figure out where the baby came from?
• What will happen now that Jervis has a microchip up his butt?
• Will Lt. Bustybottoms get his pizza?
• Why are microchips being ordered from a factory that's been closed for years?
• What will happen now that Tony is no longer metaphorically dead?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Solomon's River Lowertown Ladies?

Which one could be Grandma Poppy?  Perhaps these are just her minions.

Thank you to Mr. Ylung for finding this photograph.

Episode 123

At Rajiv's Coffee Shop, Rajiv admonishes the captive Princess Lakshmi to keep quiet, but becomes concerned when she doesn't respond. He goes down into the basement to check on her, only to find a great big hole in the wall. He follows the princess into the tunnel, hoping to find both her and the Dr. Pibb she stole.

Meanwhile, at Solomon's River General Hospital, Nurse alerts Dr Scarlett to some strange reports; a young boy came in complaining he had been bitten by a fish. Nurse fetches the young boy, who she has tied up in another room because he was foaming at the mouth and making strange noises. The boy identifies himself as "Ah-wa-wa-wah", and the Nurse promptly takes colon samples to test.

Down in the Lowertown Whore Village, Big Momma has taught Goldilocks enough to give her the confidence to go out and put what she's learned to the test. Big Momma stops her, telling her she needs more training. Apparently a banana is needed. Goldilocks wants Jezebel and Sinnamon to teach her their ways, but they insist Big Mama's the one to show her what to do with the banana. Big Momma takes the whole thing down without even having to chew. Goldilocks needs a "hook"; Jezebel suggest she uses her vagina, so Goldilocks figures putting a literal hook in her vagina would be the best way to go. Sinnamon refines the idea by suggesting teeth instead of a hook. Goldilock's a man-eater!

Ten minutes later: Goldilocks has been fitted with her new teeth, but she's concerned because they keep pushing her legs open. Now she wants to test them on a man. They fetch a man from downstairs, and she has her chance! Borrowing a room from Jezebel, Goldilocks spends 20 minutes making him half the man he used to be.

Meanwhile, somewhere else, Quentin is asking Priscilla, recently rescued from a Porsche's trunk, about Tony, the former owner of said Porsche. She warns him he's very tough; he's the one who tied her up and put her in the trunk and he's got lots of tough friends. On cue, Tony shows up, demanding to know what she's doing out of the trunk. Quentin tries to explain he's just been washing the car; Tony admonishes him for doing a horrible job. Priscilla gets put back in the trunk, Quentin is given the opportunity to finish the cleaning job with a spit-shine, even though he's out of spit.

Meanwhile, deep in the caverns beneath Solomon's River: Lakshmi wanders the tunnel, sipping Dr. Pibb. She hears Rajiv calling, and she hides. After repeatedly burning his fingers with short-lived matches, Rajiv is assailed by…zombies?

• Will Rajiv ever be reunited with Princess Lakshmi?
• Will Big Mama let Goldilocks ply her trade?
• Will Priscilla ever get out of the truck?
• Will Quentin regain his spit?
• Will Rajiv get out of the caverns alive?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 122

Princess Lakshmi scratches quietly at a wall in Rajiv's Coffee Shop basement, chipping out a portion of the wall where she believed she found a tunnel entrance when previously kidnapped and held there.  She must hide her work from Rajiv when he comes for Dr Pibb supplies.  Finally, he leaves, and she breaks through!  The faint voice of a man "trapped back here for decades!" causes her to quickly close up the hole.  Thinking she must have chosen the wrong wall, the princess scrapes again somewhere else.

Meanwhile, at the police station, the dude Quentin shows up for the police auction.  For $1, Detective Smegly sells him a drug car pulled from a river.  The detective promises the Porsche has been cleaned up.  Driving away, Quentin hears a tiny voice coming from the trunk calling, "Help me!"  A kidnapped girl, Priscilla, is inside, and reveals she was the girlfriend of the car's former owner, who was a drug dealing jerk.  She is wary of getting in with Quentin because if Tony is not in jail, he is sure to be out for vengeance.

Deep below the waves in Flounder's residence, Flounder disbelieves the news that his old friend, Split-Tail, a formerly shunned Merman, is back from the dead and killing the Merpeople.  Flounder hears a splishy knock at the door and Split-Tail himself shamble-swims through, swearing vengeance on all People and Merpeople.  An unsuspecting pizza delivery guy arrives with Flounder's personal pan pizza, and, as promised, is revenged-upon by Split-Tail.  Distraught, Flounder doesn't realize the danger, and is bit by his undead best friend to become one of the undead himself!  Split-Tail reveals he is creating an Army of the Undead Fish World.  Flounder has no choice but to join him and begin the next phase of Split-Tail's revenge: death to humans!

• Will Princess Lakshmi find a tunnel that actually leads to the outside world?
• Will Rajiv find a more constructive way to express his love?
• Is Tony in jail, or will he come looking for his girlfriend and his Porsche?
• Will Quentin learn how to drive stick?
• What will happen to humankind now that undead, zombie fish and Merpeople are waging war on them?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in Solomon's River!

Episode 121

We open Solomon's River with Rajiv polishing his counter once again, musing on how quiet things have been of late. At that moment his wife bursts in and explains that she has been held prisoner in a Pakistani prison for a year because his girlfriend, Princess Lakshmi, told them that Mrs. Rajiv was a terrorist! Rajiv denies having a girlfriend, although he does tell his wife not to look in the basement. Mrs. Rajiv declares that she is alright with his girlfriend "being where she cannot see her". Having acquiesced to this new living arrangement, Mrs. Rajiv leaves to go to the store so she can make dinner. Rajiv takes this opportunity to visit Lakshmi beneath the trapdoor. As she berates him for leaving her trapped in his basement, Mrs. Rajiv returns for the car keys. Rajiv admits he left them in the car, at which point he is yelled at again and told they will "talk about this later." Lakshmi now knows that Rajiv's wife has returned! The princess hopes Mrs. Rajiv will help her escape, until she is reminded about all that Pakistani prison/terrorist stuff. Rajiv agrees to un-strap Lakshmi from the wall, as long as she promises not to try to escape. She promises, fingers crossed.  Rajiv leaves.

Tripp is reunited with his mother, Angelica. He explains how he went into a house to ask for "23 pounds" and ended up with what looks like a child strapped to his chest. Angelica tell him how he used to have a twin, but it was absorbed into his body, apparently not completely. Tripp wonders if they could slice it off, or use "Icy Hot" to remove it. Angelica, dipping into her vast reservoir of knowledge regarding all things illegal, tells him she knows just the place to go to have it removed. She'll help him if he agrees to help her find an old man.

Princess Evaleene is being chased by her sycophants.

Two dudes discover their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to report the theft and Det. Smegly takes their information. The car was parked next to Solomon's River Canyon, but he cannot seem to get any more helpful information from them other than the car is blue with rust spots. At that moment, Mrs. Rajiv comes in to report that there is a car in their driveway that is not theirs, then leaves just as suddenly. The detective tells the dude he'll look for his car, but it will take a couple of weeks. The dude wants to borrow a car, but the detective is not very helpful, giving them a flyer for an auction that takes place in a month. After the dudes complain about how they can't go without a car for a month, Det. Smegly moves the auction up to tomorrow.

• Is Rajiv's wife really okay with these living arrangements?
• Will Princess Lakshmi be content staying in the basement, drinking nothing but old, warm Dr. Pibb?
• Will Tripp come to love his partially absorbed twin?
• What does Angelica want with an old man?
• Can Det. Smegly find the dude's car, or will he be forced to lend them a police cruiser?
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Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in Solomon's River!