This episode begins on an international flight from Solomon's River to Greece, where Rajiv is hoping Magnus Adversson can help the now baby Princess Lakshmi. The couple picked up an abandoned French boy, Jacques, at the airport, but he has been in the plane's bathroom for over an hour and a half. Rajiv asks a stewardess to check, but the boy is not there! Rajiv panics, asking the stewardess to get the pilot to "bring the plane down", which is immediately misconstrued, having been said by a "foreigner". The stewardess uses the code phrase to access the cockpit and reports the problem. While she and the pilot debate the merits of tying them up or pushing them out the "ejection door", Princess Lakshmi needs a diaper change, so Rajiv disappears into the lavatory with her. When the stewardess goes to their seats, the two are gone! The pilot leaves the controls to the co-pilot to help the stewardess. Rajiv senses what is up and he sneaks away to the baggage compartment below. Returning to the cabin, the stewardess finds the co-pilot is also gone! She clarifies for the pilot what he should do: "Fly the *expletive* plane!"
Meanwhile, at the Native Americans' protest, Chief Bat Sits and Mini-hoohoo discuss the as-yet unfruitful Dream Tent journey of Runs with Weasels. They lament that their youth don't seem to have the heart and strength to follow Native tradition. Mini-hoohoo suggests bringing back the peace pipe, which she promptly produces and takes a deep hit. The Chief worries that the government will side with the White People and let them run Lake Superior through their lands. Mini-hoohoo suggests trying to get the townspeople on their side through trade, like they did in the old days. Taking a hit, Chief Bat Sits knows what to trade, and they both go to Mini-hoohoo's garden.
Elsewhere, an amateur witch and her friend Kevin attempt to "find their magic centers". They each draw a circle of protection and Kevin begins the hand motions while she follows. They feel the energy of Kevin's motion magic and she is able to make a small cloud, and he is able to make a small sound. She predicts they will be the best magicians Solomon's River has ever seen!
- Where are all the people disappearing to on United Flight 666?
- Will Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi find Jacques and/or get to Greece safely?
- Will peaceful trading of whatever Mini-hoohoo and her twin Poops with Owls grow in their garden get enough townspeople on their side to stop the redirection of Lake Superior through native lands?
- Will Runs with Weasels ever return from his Dream Journey, and, more importantly, what will he learn?
- Who is this amateur witch? How powerful is her friend Kevin? What do they intend to do with their powers?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Runs with Weasels is plagued with two Spirit Animals in the Dream Tent: Raccoon and Wolf. Unfortunately, Raccoon owes Wolf fifty bucks and is easily distracted by garbage cans.
Rajiv is now at the airport with Princess Lakshmi, but is having a hard time as the Princess has now regressed into a toddler. Rajiv wrestles away a purse from a crying two year old, but no one seems to notice. As Rajiv argues with a low-level worker to buy food with her credit card, Lakshmi regresses even further into a baby on the floor. He scoops her up and runs away.
The couple from Walmart has barricaded themselves inside their house against the Indian protesters outside. The woman and her daughter look over their supplies: gold bars and food rations. Husband/father Jethro was supposed the be loading up the weapons, but he is nowhere to be found--the Injuns got 'im! The woman claims her right to live on the land she's been on for a whole fifteen years: American land for Americans! They will raise up others to fight and find Jethro.
French boy Jacques stands in the Solomon's River Airport, his mother pinning a note to his jacket saying, "Please take care of my boy." She wishes him a better life in America and bids him a tearful Au Revoir. Jacques doesn't speak much English. Rajiv stumbles upon Jacques and Baby Princess Lakshmi takes an instant liking to the boy. Jacques is swept up into their trip to Greece. Before an unhelpful ticket agent and an overzealous Angelina Jolie can thwart them, Rajiv grabs his own tickets and they sneak away.
- Which Spirit Animal will guide Runs with Weasels: a sneaky Raccoon, or an even sneaker Wolf?
- What has happened to Jethro, and will his wife be able to raise up a militia to find out?
- How will Rajiv's trip to Greece be with his now-infant girlfriend in his lap and a French-speaking boy stranger in tow? Will they make it to Magnus Aversson's laboratory?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Princess Lakshmi is getting younger and younger, and is perhaps only five now. Getting to Greece is going to be a problem because Rajiv's credit card is not working. They will have to use hers, but without drawing attention.
Chief Bat Sits, of the Native American tribe protesting the diversion of Lake Superior through tribal lands, berates Runs with Weasels, who has lost touch with his roots, and tells him to go on a spiritual journey. The Chief maintains that it is the children, like Runs with Weasels, who will decide the fate of their tribe: side with blood, or with the Whites? They chant "the rubber not the blubber" and Poops with Owls shares her "peace pipe". Chief Bat Sits takes over the gathering of tires while Munchhausen puts Runs with Weasels into the Dream Tent / Sweat Lodge for his journey. Chief and Poops go to Walmart to take tires.
Runs with Weasels is disappointed that his spirit animal is a raccoon. Raccoon offers to guide him. Runs is belligerent. A wolf howl scares Raccoon. Drums pound. Runs is confused.
Meanwhile, at the local Walmart, a pair of yokels are buying Wesson and baby wipes. When they get out to the lot, they find all their tires are gone. No tires on ANY of those cars. Drums pound... They shuffle on home to barricade themselves against the Indian menace.
- Will Rajiv manage to get Princess Lakshmi to Greece for a cure to her age regression before she turns into a fetus?
- Will Runs with Weasels achieve enlightenment and help his tribe, or will he simply be another disappointing American teenager?
- Can a Raccoon compete against a Wolf in the Spirit Realm?
- What will the self-styled "regular" Americans do now that they feel threatened by the Native American protests?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Angelica reports her progress towards bringing Lake Superior to Solomon's River to Big Momma, but one of the contractors says they've run into Native American troubles, preventing them from digging through burial grounds. Big Momma gets angry and instructs Angelica to fight their tire fires with... more tire fires.
Jeremy (of the indestructible beard) and huddles with his friend to gripe about how all the teachers are now incredibly attracted to his beard. Meanwhile, Claire the teacher, Chet the security guard, and Seth the chemistry teacher drool over memories of the beard--they really can't get enough! Seth points in the direction of the class-skipping Jeremy, Chet grabs his gun, and they vow to get the boy so they can touch his beard!
Princess Lakshmi pops out of Rajiv's backpack as they take a gas station egg salad and Dr. Pibb break from heading to the airport. Unfortunately, Rajiv's credit card is declined and the clerk is suspicious of Rajiv's backpack full of what appears to be a little girl who swears she is Rajiv's lover. When the clerk turns his back, they run away.
A snotty girl named Phlogiston hangs out with her friends Megan and Sylvia. Megan is really good at the phone game Yogiman Po, where you trap creatures and make them as poor as possible. A boy arrives and says the game is "so last week" and that Monopoly is the coolest game now. The boy says two of the three girls are cool enough to join him, leaving Phlogiston behind, swearing revenge.
Brother Chiliwang burns with the power of Princess Evaleene! Brother Offenshitz tries to squeeze the rock of power out of Chiliwang's nose, but it is stuck. Chiliwang hears the voice of Evaleene say, "There are too many people!" Chiliwang understands that Evaleene wants the Brothers to bring a flood upon the people of Solomon's River, killing them all! The Brothers are worried: how do you stop a deity? Brother Offenshitz knows: the only way to get rid of one deity, is to get another.
Dr. Scarlet calls together all the nurses, freshly back from their treatment after being subjected to the NurseNudistNeoNaziNarcanon-anado. Nurse, Nurse Ratched, Nurse Phlebotomy, Nurse Matriculation, Nurse Peels, Nurse Sparkle, and more gather for Dr. Scarlet's announcement: he is retiring as Chief Surgeon. Nurse is shocked, but the rest of the nurses applaud. Dr. Scarlet says his replacement, Dr. Marbles, will be arriving later, and asks the nurses to show him the ropes.
- Will Angelica's tire fires or the Native Americans' tire fires win the day?
- How will Rajiv get Lakshmi to Greece for treatment without a working credit card?
- Can Jeremy get away from the beard-obsessed teachers? How strong will his beard powers become?
- Will Monopoly really be the Next Big Thing?
- What kind of deity can stop Princess Evaleene from making the Brothers flood Solomon's River and killing everyone? Are Big Momma's plans to bring Lake Superior to Solomon's River part of the god's larger plan?
- What will Dr. Scarlet do in retirement?
- Who is the new Chief Surgeon, Dr. Marbles, and is he as young, rich, and available as the nurses are hoping?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Princess Lakshmi faces an unhappy truth when Rajiv measures her against the doorjamb: she is getting shorter, which means she is still getting younger. Estimating her age at about seven, Magnus' promise that a cure could be found within ten years is not reassuring. Princess Lakshmi figures they should travel to Geneva for a faster cure, and Rajiv zips her into a backpack to start their journey.
Brother Chiliwang and Brother Offenschitz contemplate the resurgence of evil they feel from Solomon's River far below their mountain retreat, and they pray for a vision of Princess Evaleene, who once gave them hope and a Happy Dance. She appears to them, now morphed into a rock statue, and announces she is more powerful than ever. They supplicate themselves and ask for help to battle Big Momma, whose evil plans are affecting their peace. "The answer," intones Evaleene, "is inside my nose." They check inside the statue's nose, and they find The Green Crystal of Evaleene! The Crystal, which was the source of Evaleene's power, immediately goes up Brother Chilliwang's nose. The Princess now speaks through the Brother. Offenschitz selfishly asks for money, and Princess/Brother changes him into a beetle. When he pleases her/him again, she/he will turn him back. Offenschitz clicks a little.
Meanwhile, at school, teacher Elaine Gaffney is too high to find her room and truant student Jeremy attempts to use his beard to seduce her! Possible zombie and chemistry teacher Mr. Perchenkowitz shuffles past followed closely by Chet the security guard. Elaine draws Chet's attention to Jeremy, and Chet, too, becomes fascinated by Jeremy's beard. To Jeremy's horror, Elaine, Chet, Seth Perchenkowitz, and any nearby teachers become hypnotized by the awesomeness of the premature, zombie-inoculation-induced beard.
- Will Princess Lakshmi make it to Geneva before she reverts to an embryo?
- Will Rajiv make it to Geneva with a child in his backpack?
- What will the Power of Evaleene do up the Brother Chilliwang's nose, and can she/he stop Big Momma?
- How long will Borther Offenshitz have to be a bug?
- Is Jeremy's beard power getting stronger?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv tells Princess Lakshmi that Magnus Adversson's scientists may have an age-reversal-reversal formula in as soon as ten years. She insists they return her to her actual age (improbably 27) ASAP! Lakshmi reminds Rajiv that keeping her locked in the basement was exactly what drove her away from him and accidentally into the arms of his evil twin, Rojav. Rajiv laments he still has not gotten revenge on his brother for the Las Vegas Incident.
Cool 8th grader Jeremy ditches class with his friend Miller to smoke behind the school. Jeremy shows off his indestructible beard and Miller wants one! Jeremy promises he can find the woman who gave him his Super Beard. The boys are shooed away by Chet, the put-upon Sheriff's Deputy on duty.
Deputy Chet returns to the school for a break. Teacher Claire commiserates over coffee when chemistry teacher, Seth, shuffles in, groaning ominously. Claire and Chet chalk it up to an inability to retire and they wish the kids had been smoking weed for "confiscation". They seek janitor Charlie in the school basement who might have some stink weed. Charlie grows his own and Claire buys $14 worth of "the good stuff". She sprinkles it in her coffee, shares with Chet, and they praise Charlie before they all take off for the bakery.
Following Big Momma's orders, minion Angelica negotiates with a construction contractor for a large project: bring Solomon's River to the banks of Lake Superior, or, to be more accurate, bring Lake Superior to Solomon's River by digging a 250-mile trench. Angelica shows her projected map: through a large green area, houses, a river, a reservation, Federal land, etc. In lieu of proper paperwork, Angelica uses magical Twinkle Fingers to get ten guys with a backhoe to dig day and night.
Home from middle school, Miller gets in trouble with his father who got a call from the principal. Miller's father hits him for hanging around bad kids like the bearded Jeremy. Why does he hit? Because that's the way he was raised! Miller's grandfather, Pappy, enters to berate Miller's father for raising a bad son. Pappy hits Father. Father hits Miller. Miller hits the dog and is praised by Father and Pappy. Miller sasses. Pappy hits Father for having a kid who sasses. Father hits Miller for sassing. Father forbids Miller to see Jeremy. Miller promises he'll hit Jeremy. Proud Father and Pappy give Miller the family baseball bat with nails on the end.
- Will Princess Lakshmi have to go through puberty again, or will Magnus' Geneva scientists find the cure to zombie-incoulation-super-power-age-reversal-spit?
- Are there zombies in the middle school? If so, what will happen if the security, teaching, and janitorial staff are all high?
- Can ten men dig a 250-mile long trench without being noticed?
- Will Jeremy get Brendisha Scarf to inoculate middle schoolers?
- Will Miller betray his friend, or will he betray his family?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Co-ed Jessica is manning the voter registration desk and desperately trying to get personal information from tight-lipped zombies. Name, address, and district escape them, but Jessica's brains don't. She is eaten.
Rajiv pleads with the unusually young Princess Lakshmi to understand: he doesn't want to be a child molester. She wants him as a man, and he wants her to have an early bedtime. A threatened spanking nearly brings their desires together, but Rajiv wins out when a customer enters, forcing Lakshmi into the basement again. Magnus Adversson orders a rhubarb pie with youth-inducing Rajiv spit. As a suddenly younger Magnus, Rajiv has him sign a contract for youth-spit research in Geneva, and Lakshmi reminds Rajiv she would also like a reverse formula so she can get back to normal.
Angelica returns to her mistress after having been kidnapped and nearly killed by the Uber Minion. Establishing herself as Uber Minion, Angelica asks for new instructions, and Mistress says, "Let the town of Solomon's River be on the shores of Lake Superior!" Angelica figures moving the lake will be easier than moving the town and she begins drafting plans.
Reporter Anabelle Anderson of WWSR brings breaking news: a voter registration volunteer had the stop of her head chewed off. A "down-home" eye witness reports what she saw in a way that she hopes will get her an autotuned song for her fifteen minutes of fame.
In their backwoods cabin, Bartholomew begs Cletus to help him find the lost girl they lost again. Cletus strains to think though his hunger, but maintains he sees the girl in a bush. Sally runs through their weak grasps.
Meanwhile, at the police station, Deputy George interviews a woman reporting she was inappropriately touched on the head and hand. She describes the perp: very pale, dark hair that came down in a point, pointy sideburns, like Spock, but regular ears, perhaps pointy teeth... She screams as Lieutenant Bustybottoms enters. The Lieutenant has a similar smell: cologne and feet. Bustybottoms admits he likes to smoke Indian cigarettes and they figure the perp must, too. The woman says the man "disappeared in a twinkle of light" and demands he be brought down the station...so he can touch her again!
- Is co-ed Jessica fully digested, or will she return as a zombie? Will that help her communicate better with the zombie population?
- How fast can Magnus' scientists recreate the youth-spit, and can they make it reversible?
- What will Bartholomew and Cletus do when and if they ever recapture Sally?
- Can Deputy George catch the touchy-feely criminal?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
