Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi explore the caverns under the McVishnu's on top of her family's mountain shrine. They walk down an increasingly claustrophobic tunnel and have a hallucinogenic vision of a GrubHub delivery guy from the Vegetarian Meat Restaurant. The hallucination gives them a receipt, which is actually a clue from Quacky: go into the open cavern, but be careful because you will fall forever. P.S. The rocks are hallucinogenic. They burst through into an open cavern and remember the rope. They tie off one end to a convenient old metal hook. An ornery voice drifts up from below, apparently speaking Princess Lakshmi's family's "Rub-a-dubish" (learned from the TV show Zoomish). Rajiv climbs down...
Silent but Deadly presses some buttons, self-ordering at a 7-11. He is met by Nurse, who checks the progress of finding her sister and killing the mayor. Silent but Deadly indicates she should give it time and shows off his bag of weaponry. A zombie cleans up.
Uber Minion brags to Big Momma that he is now showing initiative and being a self-starter by getting rid of Angelica, who plotted to kill Big Momma and take over. Big Momma is suspicious that Uber Minion may not be telling the truth and asks for a dossier. Uber Minion agrees to create one, but he isn't happy.
Dr. Scarlett struggles with treating women as equals. A talking rabbit wonders why he is in the hospital. Dr. Scarlett and Nurse freak a little over the discovery of a viral-immune talking rabbit. Nurse stuffs it into a cage so they may regenerate anti-viral medication. As they revel in their good fortune, a man afflicted with their virus enters, his *ahem* having fallen off. They force him to say "dick". Nurse takes the member, but the patient isn't even sure it is his, as so many in Ye Olde Farts Bar fell off at once. Nurse abstractly gesticulates with his dick, waving it too near the rabbit's cage. The rabbit, of course, nibbles it.
- What will Rajiv find at the end of the rope?
- Did they really hear a voice, or was it still a hallucination?
- Has Silent but Deadly made any progress, or has he used their money on Slushies?
- Will Uber Minion find being Big Momma's Minion not all it's cracked up to be? Where is Angelica?
- Will a dick-nibbling, anti-viral producing, talking rabbit save Solomon's River from the hospital-created virus? Will all the penis reattachment surgeries be enough to save the hospital financially?
- How do you polish rabbit nibbles out of a dick?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv is deeply doubtful he and Princess Lakshmi should be following information left by an elderly duck. The princess defends Quaky's advice, especially since the McDonald's on top of her family's mountain shrine to Vishnu has pith helmets, rope, and a tiny door. Rajiv warns her, "Whatever you do, don't lose the rope." Immediately after, Princess Lakshmi warns Rajiv not to let the door close behind them. The door closes and is locked from the outside. She still has the rope.
Two ICE agents only have a hour left to make Angelica talk, and they torture her by withholding Wheel of Fortune. Finally, Angelica breaks. "Big Momma is going to... to.... She has hired a... a..." No matter how hard she tries, Angelica cannot make herself speak! Angelica realizes it must be a spell, put on her by Big Momma. The ICE agents beat her up anyway.
Later, at Big Momma's lair, Angelica returns, battered and bruised, only to find Uber Minion by Big Momma's side! Big Momma says she knows he won't tell on her! Despite all her loyalty, Angelica is kicked to the curb. As she is being removed by Uber Minion, he whispers to her that this is all part of the plan, and that he will soon be taking over! Angelica is doubtful, and she believes Uber Minion will be thwarted by one of Big Momma's powerful spells.
Nurse has returned to Dr. Scarlett's employ, but since the zombies have either gotten better or been incorporated into society, there is another lack of patients. They decide to engineer a virus that can be put into beer. Miss Leftboob, a custodian, is given a petri dish of virus and told to smear it wherever beer, and/or limes, are sold.
After an incubation period, a pair of older drunk men at Ye Olde Farts Bar are challenged by a pair of college hipsters who have dubbed this their new ironic hangout. They all drink Old Milwaukee and whip their dicks around, then drink Coronas, whereupon the virus takes hold, they cough, and all their dicks fall off.
- What will Princess Lakshmi and Raviv find in the mountain, and will it include a way out?
- Will Uber Minion dethrone Big Momma, or will her spells, or her other plans, triumph?
- What will become of Angelica?
- Can Dr. Scarlett control the virus unleashed into Solomon's River, and will he even care, as long as it brings profit to the hospital?
- Is there a vaccine that reattaches penises?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv are feeling a little ill after eating the Vishnu-themed McDonald's they found on her family's private mountaintop shrine. An old scroll is delivered from the kitchen: it is in Quacky's webbed foot writing! She translates, "This McDonald's was set up by your father as a front to hide..." They debate whether the duck had bad grammar and left off a period, or if the rest of the note is missing. Considering they are on a mountain top, they figure there would be plenty of space to hide...something...underneath the restaurant. They will search.
Silent but Deadly, the man hired to find Nurse's sister and kill the fugitive Mayor, prepares himself. He prints something off the internet and loads up with weapons (knife and taser) and several items that make silly noises, including a "Boing! Hi there!" Silent but Deadly's grandmother asks him to pick up chips and dip.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is interrogating Angelica about Big Momma's location and plans. They rough her up, but seem to be getting nowhere, even when they torture her with kale. They can put her into solitary for up to 24 hours. Only when faced with no internet access does she seem like she could break.
- Will Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv find a hidden space under the McDonalds? If so, what will they find there?
- Can Silent but Deadly find Nurse's sister? Can he kill the Mayor? Will he remember the chips and dip?
- Will Angelica give up information on Big Momma, or can she hold out the whole 24 hours? What might Big Momma be doing right now that might help Angelica?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi walk carefully in the dark somewhere near the family's private mountaintop shrine to Vishnu. Crunching steps...a flash of light...someone is there...it has been turned into a McDonald's! The shrine still exists, and they have Hindu-themed the menu. They order the six-arm McVishnu meal with a curry shake to eat by the shrine's statue, hoping it will give them a vision.
Meanwhile, at the Fancy Tea Room for the Rich Elderly, Marjorie Dawson sips tea with Norma, an even older lady. Marjorie brags about her blue collar "encounter" with Smitty the Plumber. Norma is intrigued, and wants to experience Marjorie's new glow. She suggests Marjorie bring Smitty to one of their lady "events". Before Marjorie can give more details about Smitty's prowess, a man informs them that the Tea Room's plumbing is backing up and they should evacuate. The ladies, however, will wait for the plumbers.
Angelica briefs Big Momma on the plumbing project progress. Smitty has dug all the tunnels which reach every toilet in Solomon's River, ready for Big Momma's explosives! Big Momma says that even the plumber must be blown up. Suddenly, the police knock on the door! Angelica answers while Big Momma works some secret magic. They have questions for Big Momma, but no warrant. Suspicious of Angelica's immigration status, the police take her away.
Down by the docks, the Nurse and the Secretary are browsing for cut-throats and scoundrels to help with killing the Mayor and finding the Nurse's sister, in either order. Nurse has enough mad money, but will only pay after both deeds are done. A man, Silent but Deadly, agrees to the job.
- Will eating onion rings by a statue of Vishnu help Princess Lakshmi find her father?
- What kind of "events" to the rich elderly women of Solomon's River hold, and will Smitty attend, or will he be blown up instead?
- Are the sewer problems related to the new tunnels, and will Big Momma actually blow them all up?
- What will happen to Angelica now that she's in the hands of ICE: Immigration and Customs Enforcement?
- Will Silent but Deadly be able to kill the on-the-run Mayor AND find Nurse's on-the-run sister?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Despite it getting dark, Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv head to her family's ancient private cable car to go up their private mountain and visit their private shrine to Vishnu, which is where Quacky the elderly duck indicated her father disappeared.
Back in the Solomon's River General Hospital, the wounded and uncommunicative Mayor is visited by his secretary who asks if he knows who shot him because she is worried that she's under suspicion. Nurse enters and shoos her out to give him a sponge bath. As soon as the secretary leaves, Nurse reveals her true motive: it was her sister the Mayor had held captive and who, while witnessing the Mayor's Mexican standoff with Lieutenant Bustybottoms, shot them both to escape. Nurse says she knows it was him, and that she's going to prove it! Unseen, the secretary, having stopped to tie her shoe, has overheard...
Miss Marjorie Dawson, basking in the afterglow of her relations with Smitty, calls for Jeeves to help her redress. Smitty, already having left in her limo, apparently was one of her most satisfying conquests. Male voices drift in from the bathroom and Jeeves goes to investigate while Miss Dawson has her post-coital cigarette. The voices are coming from the toilet--it is Jacobson and Frankie, who have been exploring the tunnels under Solomon's River after following Smitty's plumbing dig. Jeeves flushes. Miss Dawson suggests flushing twice, and the men swirl away.
A few minutes later, Jacobson and Frankie find themselves outside where they lament their disgusting state and notice they are in the shadow of Miss Marjorie Dawson's mansion. They wonder what Smitty is up to, digging tunnels under Solomon's River that lead up to the toilets in every house in town. They speculate he's gone over to the Dark Side.
Meanwhile, back in the hospital, the Mayor's secretary stops Nurse in the hallway to explain about her accusation of woman-napping. The Nurse says the secretary can only make up for not noticing the abuse going on right in the Mayor's office if she helps find her sister, who hasn't yet been seen. The secretary, still bitter over being turned down multiple times for raises, agrees to help. Nurse and the secretary vow to find a way to kill the Mayor. Unseen, the Mayor has snuck away.
- What will Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv find on the mountain, if they can even make it up there...
- Will Nurse and the secretary manage to kill the woman-molesting Mayor?
- What has become of Nurse's sister?
- What is Smitty up to, linking the tunnels to every toilet in town?
- Was the condom Jacobson and Frankie found in Miss Marjorie Dawson's toilet the one she used with Smitty, or with one of the other many men she ensnares?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Frankie and Jacobson discuss whether Marjorie Dawson is real (yes) and her level of hotness (high, especially for an old lady) before reveling in the pipe fellow plumber Smitty has been laying under Solomon's River. They wonder if it meets up with the caves, which Jacobson insists are haunted. They wander.
Smitty, using one of the bathrooms at Miss Marjorie Dawson's mansion, is told by butler Jeeves she requires his presence. She invites him to her bed. He sits. She invites him to touch her thighs. He says the Shake Weight must be working. She demands he "Take [her] now!" Meanwhile, in India...
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi hose off the aged and incontinent Quacky before asking him to translate the scroll he wrote and left with the genie that tells where her father is. Princess Lakshmi has difficulty translating Duck, but finally understands, and is confused because Quacky was invoking the name of Vishnu: "On top of a mountain (quack), at the alter to Vishnu (quack), your father disappeared in a ball of light (quack-quack)." Rajiv is always suspicious of Quacky, but now Princess Lakshmi also doubts this crazy explanation. Despite their questions, they go.
Detective Smegly returns to the Mayor's office where the Mayor and Detective Bustybottoms were recently shot, Bustybottoms' body having disappeared. Detective Smegly tells the suspicious secretary that they need to interview the Mayor because the recovered gun is registered to him (*dramatic music*). The secretary promises to give the Mayor the message, and looks extra suspicious.
Meanwhile, at Big Momma's lair, Angelica has some strange news: their poison candy idea was stolen before they could enact their plan! Big Momma is pleased to has gotten all the blame without the work, but Angelica worries about her being arrested. All they have is an empty factory, so Big Momma suggests blowing it up to throw them off their trail. Angelica says she will also put out a few additional conspiracy theories about Big Momma to throw them off further (like making them believe she is related to Dr. Phil).
The Mayor's secretary visits him in Solomon's River General Hospital. He is weak, and the news about the gun is startling. She insists they will need a plan.
- Where will Smitty's pipes lead Frankie and Jacobson?
- Will Smitty actually touch Marjorie Dawson?
- Can Quacky's recollection of Princess Lakshmi's father being taken up by Vishnu be true?
- What is the Mayor's secretary trying to cover up, and can Detective Smegly uncover it?
- Will Big Momma be taken down by someone else enacting her own un-acted plan?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Tripp announces to his mother, Angelica, that his zombie-themed restaurant hasn't been working since the zombie staff all unionized. Angelica says to just unchain them and let them go, but Tripp has the idea to try an herbal remedy--he will give them some of his "good stuff". The zombie easily uses the bong, with the first hit mellowing him out and allowing him to talk! Tripp says he has a plan.
Meanwhile, Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi's use the key and jewel to open her father's trunk which hums, clicks, and pops out her father's genie, "Uncle Genie"! The genie is unsure of Rajiv, but has instructions to tell Lakshmi where her father is. Unfortunately, the genie doesn't know because he was distracted by garlic, had a magic genie bag over his head, and was hit with a magic genie wrench, all of which were gotten from the Evil Genie. Good news: he can give them a scroll with her father's location. Bad news: Quacky wrote it. Princess Lakshmi takes a bag of duck treats and the gem, and gives Rajiv the key so Uncle Genie must be nice to him. They leave to find Quacky.
Poison candy has already gotten into the market, and a family's children have died. They buy into a conspiracy theory that Big Momma is the secret daughter of Mr. Hershey and blame her for the deaths (though Big Momma's plans haven't even begun being executed yet). The wife gets so frustrated with her husband that she feeds him some candy. He dies.
Miss Marjorie Dawson passes the day with Smitty, and asks to hear about his adventures since they were last together. He said he had a job he had to leave because he "got misplaced". He reveals he had to "lay pipe" for Big Momma, piquing Marjorie's jealousy. He also reveals that he didn't finish the job because he instead heeded Marjorie's call. She says she didn't call him, but rather that he was simply found, wandering around her garden. But what happened?
**doo-di-li-do, doo-di-li-do, doo-di-li-do** (flashback to what happened)
Smitty is digging to lay pipe underground for Big Momma, when his fellow Union workers from Latham's Department Store (Frankie and Jacobson with the lame leg) finally track him down. They were so worried, but they become miffed because Union members can't just leave and get another job! Smitty could be in deep trouble, unless he "compensates" his fellow Union members, so they might overlook the transgression. They suggest an introduction to elderly sexpot Miss Marjorie Dawson! When he refuses to bring them immediately, Frankie and Jacobson hit him with stun guns, spin him in a circle, and give him a disorienting shove.
**doo-di-li-do, doo-di-li-do, doo-di-li-do** (flash-forward back to the conversation in Marjorie's bedroom)
Marjorie becomes very excited by the prospect of all these muscular workers fighting over her. Smitty seems less than thrilled. Jeeves brings lunch and a change of Depends.
- What is Tripp's zombie/pot-related plan, and will it work any better than his previous schemes?
- Can Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv get Quacky to translate the scroll with her father's location?
- Who is this "evil genie", and who is using his services?
- How did the poison candy get out so fast, if Big Momma hasn't even set up her factory yet?
- What will the Union do to Smitty if he doesn't silence the members with "favors" from Marjorie?
- Will Smitty get free of her, and does he even want to?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Marjorie Dawson is using a Shake Weight, given to her by her butler, Jeeves, to boost her calves somehow. Jeeves reports the gardener reported a man lurking in the garden who claimed to know her. Jeeves has security bring him up: it's Smitty! She kisses and fawns over him. The workers leave, and Marjorie asks Smitty to "demonstrate the Shake Weight".
Meanwhile, at Princess Lakshmi's familial mansion in India, Rajiv follows a trail of duck food and finds Quacky eating and pooping, which leads to the lucky discovery of the gem they need! He finds Lakshmi in the third kitchen, just having finished up fruitless cavity searches of all palace employees. They leave to try the jewel and key combo on her father's trunk.
Angelica has bad news for Big Momma: she cannot find Smitty the Plumber. It's a problem because Big Momma wants a plumber, though it's a solution for Angelica who would otherwise have to kill him. The Uber Minion calls to check on the status of Smitty, and Angelica hedges that "he's gone". Uber Minion orders her to meet him later. Angelica suggests to Big Momma that she try implementing a plan that's not so evil, to stop making so many enemies. Big Momma will design "Big Momma Candy", which seems nice, until she says that the candy will be poison so they can have Solomon's River all to themselves. "Especially for the little children on Halloween!" says Big Momma. Instead of Sugar Daddies, they'll make "Little Poppas", Snickers will be "Grunts", and 3 Musketeers will be "Diabolical Twins", and all...will...DIE!
- Does Smitty enjoy being with Marjorie? If not, can he even get away?
- What will the jewel and key reveal in the trunk that may reveal what happened to Lakshmi's father?
- Will Uber Minion find out Angelica didn't actually kill Smitty, but just misplaced him?
- Will Big Momma's plan to kill everyone on Halloween actually work?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv have the key they found secreted in Quacky and try to distract the two guards outside her father's bedroom. Finally, in frustration, the Princess just orders them to leave. They find her father's rooms abandoned, in disarray, and scattered with parts of many puzzles. They dig out the trunk/chest and discover the key fits but will not turn. They notice a space on the trunk for a jewel, which must be hidden somewhere else! Thinking of where the key had been found, Lakshmi goes to check the guards' colons, while Rajiv searches the rest of her father's rooms.
The mayor's secretary mans her desk as the mayor himself was just taken away in an ambulance. Detective Schmegly, with Farrah the intern, arrives to investigate. They are amazed at the amount of blood, and Farrah throws up into the secretary's wicker wastebasket before quitting outright. Detective Schmegly notes the blood, estimates where the bodies were, and finds bullet casings. He keeps them for identification, but the secretary is extremely suspicious when she realizes something had been found in the office.
Meanwhile, deep below Solomon's River, exiled monks hum in ethereal harmony. Brother Offenshitz is among them, and he expresses a worry for the missing Chiliwang. The exiled monks plot taking over the Brotherhood of Monks by taking over the cavern, and Offenshitz says he will become a new High Priest. The brothers hum as Offenshitz says, "Dees isa my empire!"
CEO Mr. Sampson returns to his office eating a sandwich to find two of his employees, Office Manager Gladys and Jerome. The British-accented employees were "just looking over the paperwork" and had "no other reason" to be there. The CEO is thinking of having another sandwich, which presents the perfect opportunity for the plotting employees: poison! Jerome sprinkles in rat poison and Mr. Sampson promptly digs in. They watch in horror as the oblivious CEO throws up, negating the poison. Gladys and Jerome leave, planning to try again soon.
- Will Rajiv or Princess Lakshmi find the jewel?
- What will Detective Schmegly discover when he analyzes the bullet casings from the shooting of the mayor and the missing Detective Bustybottoms?
- Why does an investigation make the mayor's secretary nervous?
- Will the exiled Brother Offenshitz gain High Priest status by taking over the caverns?
- Can Gladys and her lover Jerome manage to kill Mr. Sampson and take over his company?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
The Committee for a Better Solomon's River arrives early for their appointment with the Mayor. His secretary enters the Mayor's office just as a woman (tied at the wrists) runs out screaming. The Mayor has been shot! The CBSR worries they won't get their red bike lanes. EMTs hold back their joy long enough to drag the Mayor to the hospital. One EMT notices there's enough blood for two people. The Mayor manages to signal that Lieutenant Bustybottoms had also been shot, though his body is now missing.
In India, Rajiv continues his "not-dancing" lessons, but Princess Lakshmi is too upset about her missing father, so they look for clues. The go to check his well-guarded rooms. Quacky waddles over with a note in his beak: a message from her father! In the form of a song. Quacky tries to quack out a beat, but shits himself. The note tells the reader that if they find him missing, there is a chest in his room, for which there is a well-hidden key and a jewel. Rajiv notices a glint in Quacky pile: a key! Lakshmi cleans it off orally, and they go to find the chest.
A fancy phone rings in Marjorie Dawson's posh room: it's a call from Big Momma. Angelica sweeps in to grab the phone before Big Momma can dig out any suspicious details. Angelica had called Marjorie, hoping she had seen Smitty. Marjorie, unfortunately, is also looking for Smitty. She asks Angelica to let Smitty know that she "doesn't regret [their] deal" and that she needs more "plumbing". Angelica asks to be informed of Smitty's reappearance as well. She tells Big Momma it's because they still need plumbing for Lake Superior, but her aside indicates she needs to kill him.
- Will the Mayor survive being shot?
- Will Bustybottoms survive, and where is he?
- Who was that woman, was she justified in her shooting, and will she ever be seen again?
- Will the CBSR get their red bike lanes?
- Will Quacky's pooped-out key open a chest that reveals a clue? Is there still a jewel in Quacky's colon?
- Where is Smitty?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv puts his foot down about dancing in Princess Lakshmi's family's Bollywood-obsessed household. She suggests that his princely persona be "too royal" even to dance, which he can do. Quacky, the extremely aged duck, leads the princess to her mother, who has been training him to dance, too. Mother seems even more dance-obsessed and only casually worried that Poppa had been impersonated in America and now is missing. Mother wisely suggests searching for her father in a montage, which, unfortunately, turns up nothing.
Meanwhile, in Solomon's River Police Headquarters, an officer reports to Lieutenant Bustybottoms that he is frustrated with the calls from the 7-11 because "the guy there is a jerk." The officer also reports Facebook activity calling for Bustybottoms to be fired (okay), run out of town (sounds good), and have forcible butt-sex (sure) with Burt Convy's corpse (noooo!) and it's the MAYOR who is behind the messages! Bustybottoms goes to confront the Mayor.
The mayor's office is also being inundated with 7-11 phone calls, but ignores them. Lieutenant Bustybottoms arrives and the secretary lets him in as he's the "Burt Convy's corpse" guy. The Mayor awaits, with an unconscious woman on the floor at his feet. Bustybottoms pulls his gun and puts the Mayor under arrest. The Mayor pulls his own gun, and they try to arrest each other, but the Mayor's cuffs are on the woman. While they are focused on each other, the woman wakes and shoots them both. The Mayor more than once.
Meanwhile, in a California mausoleum, a tour guide takes a group through the Hall of Burts/Berts, and is horrified to see Bert Convy is missing!
- Will Rajiv be able to pass for a royal too royal to dance?
- Why is Princess Lakshmi's mother not more concerned, and where is Princess Lakshmi's father, anyway?
- What's going on at that 7-11?
- Has Lieutenant Bustybottoms been killed?
- Has Solomon's River's mayor been killed?
- What will the police department think, with each of the shot men holding guns?
- Who was that woman, and why was she in the mayor's office?
- Where is Bert Convy's corpse?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv, reunited after a brief kidnapping and imposter-ing by Rojav, are now back on track to investigate what happened to her father, who had also been imposter-ed back in the US. On her parents' estate in India, she urges Rajiv to look like a prince as there are cameras everywhere, and she warns him that at any moment, her parents' staff might jump into a musical number and that Rajiv would have to be the lead. She tries to teach him some moves, and his insecurity over not being part of "the elite" comes out. Suddenly, Princess Lakshmi's childhood pet, a duck named Quacky, waddles by. Amazed that a possibly 35-year-old duck is still alive, she pets him, and Quacky pecks at Rajiv, before waddling away. They continue into the palace.
Office Manager Gladys warns her lover Jerome that his plot has been found out by her boss, Mr. Sampson. As she shows Jerome the incriminating documents, Mr. Sampson enters, indicating that he hasn't read the papers yet and asks Gladys to summarize them. Mr. Sampson leaves, and they agree that the only way to get controlling interest in the business is to kill him. Jerome's words seem to indicate that he might not be completely willing to share the controlling interest with Gladys, though she agrees to his plan.
Angelica finds Big Momma taking a bath in her newly installed walk-in tub. They reminisce about the Amish boy who briefly showed up to build a barn and whose babies Big Momma may or may not have sacrificed to get more power. Big Momma says the barn burned and the Amish guy has not been found. Angelica asks if she has any new orders, and then, casually, asks about Smitty the plumber. Angelica's cell phone rings, and it is the Uber Minion, asking about that very plumber! She covers, and Uber Minion gives her instructions to meet him the next day, in the park, under the big tree. Big Momma says she would like to see the plumber herself, as the "Mister Bubble" bubbles aren't very bubbly. Angelica offers to find Smitty, who will be dying to come and help!
- Can Rajiv make it seem like he is a prince well enough to fool Princess Lakshmi's mother?
- How long do ducks live?
- Will Jerome and Gladys manage to kill the seemingly clueless Mr. Sampson and get away with it?
- Will Gladys even be satisfied with her new position if they do?
- Where is Smitty the plumber, and can Angelica kill him?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Uber Minion secretly meets with Angelica (as his Sub-Minion) to get the scoop on Big Momma's next move, and Angelica reveals she has a plumber to pipe Lake Superior into Solomon's River, since the contractors and white supremacists didn't work out. Uber Minion's plan: to get Lake Superior first! Step one: kill the plumber. He gives Angelica a shotgun. Sparky, the Uber Minion's inbred Hound of Hell, irritates Angelica until she leaves. Spraky, who is actually robotic, is also a little glitchy, or, perhaps, has a low battery.
Meanwhile, in India, Princess Lakshmi has searched the entire airport for Rajiv who had been hidden in a locker by his evil twin, Rojav. She finally hears his muffled calling from a locker whose key, apparently, is locked inside. Determining he needs to be cut free, she cleverly calls in a bomb threat from a pay phone, indicating that a suspicious white person had been seen hear the lockers. The New Delhi airport police bring in their bomb-sniffing dingo, crack open the locker, release Rajiv who really needs to pee, and search him for a bomb. Rajiv runs to the restroom and the airport police don't bother searching any further.
Rajiv and Lakshmi are finally reunited! She tests him to be sure it is really him, and it is! She reveals that he had been conked on the head by Rojav, interfering in their lives once again.
McShane is at his party, thrown by Tommy and Sally. He is a good sport about the party, but is slightly taken aback when Tommy and Sally ask him to be the father of their child. Sally holds McShane's hand, and believes that's all it takes. Tommy and Sally await their new baby.
- Will Angelica be able to kill Smitty the plumber?
- Will Uber Minion steal Lake Superior out from under Big Momma's nose?
- What's up with the robot dog, and all the additional howling?
- What does Rojav want, and can Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi get over him being in their lives again?
- What will Tommy and Sally do once they realize she's not pregnant...unless she is?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
An elderly woman, Marjorie Dawson, has her butler prepare tea and crumpets in advance of her seduction of Smitty. She says Smitty has a power she has not seen in twenty years and it's one she "wants to take advantage of". The woman's daughter, Charlene, is taken away "for a snack". Smitty rings the bell and is mildly baffled at the woman's energy.
Meanwhile, back at Latham's, Smitty's fellow janitorial workers, Frankie and Jacobson, need Smitty to help organize the Union, since the store wants to unfairly fire Smitty. Frankie has a photogenic memory and knows the address of the Red Hat Lady that was so taken by Santa Smitty. Outside Latham's, a news crew led by Barbie the Reporter interviews picketers, who are from the SRCC (Solomon's River Community College) and are protesting the "White Sale", believing it to be racist--not because of the color, but because of workers in Thailand. The cameraman says they can use the footage for a "dumb sorority girl" story.
In the bedroom of Marjorie, the Red Hat Lady, Smitty is uncomfortably invited to make himself comfortable. She knows he's going to be fired and she makes him an offer: do the plumbing. Her employer uses the pipes for communication and needs them fixed. Outside the window, Frankie has climbed up and sees his friend laying on a bed and getting a pile of money from an old woman. In shock, he falls and lands on Jacobson, re-breaking his elevator-injured leg. Frankie doesn't get to hear the Red Hat Lady call her employer...Big Momma! Marjorie tells Angelica that she was asked to find a plumber for Big Momma, probably to use for draining Lake Superior into Solomon's River. Angelica asks Marjorie to bring Smitty to a Tom Hootons coffee shop.
Later, at the Tom Hootons, Angelica meets Marjorie and gives her payment. Mr. Schmidt Smitty is led away by Angelica, to lay some big pipe.
- Does Marjorie know or care how Smitty will be used by Big Momma?
- Will Frankie and Jacobson manage to organize the Union to help Smitty?
- Will Smitty really be able to re-pipe a Great Lake?
- Who, exactly, is using pipes as a method of communication?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Latham's Department Store manager Joan Weatherly reports to her boss that the janitorial selection to play Santa Claus resulted in their lowest December sales ever, and she suggests a White Sale to boost profits in January. Instead, the boss wants the employee fired and is willing to run a salesperson contest so that one with the most sales gets to do the firing. Manager Weatherly says she hasn't seen the janitor, Mr. Smith, since Christmas, but to get along, the manager says the boss' idea is good, and they leave together. Janitor Frankie, "janiting" unnoticed in the room, hears the plans for his pal Smitty and meets up with Jacobson, recently back from his elevator shaft injury, to spread the news and rile up the Union in support!
Meanwhile, two salespeople are in the Santa room cleaning up the mess left by Smitty. One salesman, Harold, reveals that Smitty is his father, whom he equally hates and respects. Harold wants their sales team to sell the most so they are the ones to fire his father.
In a romantic restaurant, a woman waits at a table for two with a rose in a book. Finally, her blind date Jordan arrives. The impatient waiter takes their orders and everyone learns she's not only desperate for this date, but she's also picky. Jordan orders veal, taking his date aback that he would order "baby cow". The waiter says they're out of veal, but offers lamb. To her horror, Jordan asks for "the youngest one you've got". To her even more extreme horror, the waiter brings a selection of live lambs. She exclaims over the one with the biggest eyes, which becomes Jordan's dinner choice.
- Will Frankie and Jacobson be able to whip up Union support for their fellow janitor?
- Where is Smitty, anyway? (He was last seen in the clutches of a Red Hat lady who gave him her address.)
- What does Smitty's son Harold have against his father?
- Will the strange sales contest really save Latham's?
- How delicious was the lamb-bryo?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi arrive in India and realize they have become de-acclimated to the heat and smell. She reveals that she has never told her parents about non-royal Rajiv as they had selected a prince for her to marry and...he may still be around! Rajiv offers that he could pretend to be a prince, and she can teach him some princely ways in the back of their taxi.
A manager at Latham's Department Store announces the employee chosen to be this year's Santa Claus: Mr. Smith from Janitorial Services. His only training: always "Ho" in threes. Later, in the basement, Smitty is congratulated by his co-workers as the first in their department to be selected! Jonsie is "on vacation" (drying out) and Jacobson is laid up with an elevator shaft leg injury, which means that they will be very short-staffed when Smitty is being Santa. Smitty says to just give him a call if there's an emergency.
Rajiv brings Princess Lakshmi to a hotel room and pats the bed suggestively. Princess Lakshmi is eager to check in with her parents, but Rajiv is especially handsy and they do a "10 minutes later" followed by a "45 minutes later" just for her. Princess Lakshmi finally says they should go, and Rajiv murmurs ominously, "I am not who you think I am." Lakshmi squints and cries, "Rojav!" Rojav, Rajiv's evil twin, laughs and says Rajiv is tied up in a janitor's closet at the airport. "A couple hours later", they finish and she goes to rescue Rajiv.
The next day at Latham's, a mother brings her son to see Santa. As the boy is telling Santa what he wants, Smitty's walkie-talkie blares that there is a problem in the fifth floor bathroom. Mom is coaching her son to ask for Dolce and Gabanna, diamonds, liquor, all the while Smitty's janitorial partner is calling for emergency assistance. Smitty finally leaves to help and eventually returns, covered in bathroom stink and stain. The Red Hat Society has shown up to speak to Santa, and he is directed to do whatever they want. An older woman sits on his lap for 15 minutes, shooing away children just to hit on him. She introduces herself as Marjorie Dawson and gives Smitty her address: 79 Park Lane, #12, Upper. She makes him promise to visit her after work.
- Has Princess Lakshmi again been princess-napped by Rojav?
- What will happen to Rajiv, literally tied up at the airport?
- Will they ever get to check on the Princess' parents?
- Has Smitty become a part of a Red Hat sex ring?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi wonder where her father's 7-11 impostor has gotten to, how he managed to look like her father, and where her actual parents have gone! They decide to investigate in India.
Two young people are hacking the cyborg locust swarm, and, with the touch of a button on his new app, one can get the locusts to turn on each other. To make money, he comes up with the idea of a $.99 download where every person buys a locust (painted or numbered to indicate the buyer) and whichever locust is the last surviving cyborg, wins! Mother delivers them lemonade and gets locked in with her son's friend for 20 minutes.
Dr. Scarlett gathers all remaining workers, declares them nurses and tells them to do all the work. Most aren't nurses, but one is actually a doctor, Dr. Richardson, who bravely takes on sponge bathing the patient Sammy in room 204. Dr. Scarlett warns: Sammy is handsy, talks to his teddy bear (Eddie) in rhyme, and will forcibly offer candy: don't take any! Eddie speaks to the patient, encouraging bad ideas and reinforcing paranoia. Sammy rubs candy on his balls and tries to force Dr. Richardson to eat it. Luckily for the doctor, he is paged by the loudspeaker. Unluckily for the doctor, he still tasted a little candy.
Angelica has only two hours to decide between Big Momma and Uber Minion, who sweetens the pot with additional benefits. Angelica goes to Big Momma to help with her decision. Her contract is nearly up and Big Momma's benefits are: you get to live. Big Momma says Angelica can take her new job...and be a double agent! The plan is to fake kill Big Momma, using sparrow's blood on a knife for proof, and then report back all plans. Angelica wants to live, so she agrees.
- What will Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi find in India?
- Will the two programmers get rich off their locust-fighting ring?
- How will Dr. Richardson do the work of all the missing qualified nurses?
- Will Sammy ever get out of the hospital?
- Can Angelica have the best of both worlds: live AND have a job with benefits?
- What will Big Momma do with her new information?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Locusts are gathering to feast upon Solomon's River, communicating intelligently to one another... A few weeks earlier, in a laboratory far under a mountain, a scientist has developed a "Smart Plague", designed to eat everyone on town in preparation for takeover. He's programmed the first two locust/Radio Shack electronic hybrids, Burt and Trevor, to desire human flesh, adjusted to "very hungry". The scientist's assistant, Jones, brings chai, and is tasked with programming the remaining 3 million cyborg locusts to "super hungry flesh-eating". Jones tweaks them a little further...
Danny is enjoying his flame thrower, trying to keep the locust away from his hot dogs. His whiny girlfriend gets a locust in her hair, and he accidentally sets her on fire.
A psychiatrist delves into the mind of a girl, Darlene, whose half-sister was lit on fire. Darlene feels guilty because it was her father who created the cyborg locust swarm! She believes complaining about how her half-sister took her spot on the cheerleading squad inspired her father to seek vengeance. One month earlier...
...Coach is auditioning cheerleaders. Darlene cheers passionately, but her half-sister says dyslexia prevents her from spelling properly. Darlene counters, "My father says I'm not dyslexic..." clearly irritating her half-sister. The half-sister's turn takes a turn as she simply fellates the coach, without even taking out her gum, and wins the spot.
Judge Graft has an off-the-record chat with his Court Reporter, in which he reveals his belief that Big Momma is behind the locust swarm, since she seems to be behind so much in Solomon's River. Judge Graft wants her to contact Geraldo for some "wet work", and gives her a bag of money to get it done. She is skeptical that it could be the Geraldo and questions this as a duty of a Court Reporter, but the Judge's threat that if he goes down, she goes down, forces her to make the call.
Angela confesses to Uber Minion that, yes, her son Tripp isn't as useful as she had hoped, but she is still supportive of Big Momma's big plans. Uber Minion is tired of never getting the big work done and dismisses those plans, Big Momma's powers of listening and of cursing. He makes Angelica an offer: kill Big Momma and become his second in command (includes dental and stock options). She has 24 hours to think about it.
- Is there any way to stop a super hungry flesh eating swarm of cyborg locusts?
- Did the evil scientist really create them to avenge his daughter against his ex-wife's daughter's promiscuous Coach diddling? How will his daughter cope?
- Will Geraldo really come to Solomon's River to kill Big Momma?
- Can Geraldo kill Big Momma before Angelica decides if she can kill Big Momma for a better minion job?
- What will Big Momma have to say?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Tripp and Jeff return from an important mission to buy explosives for Big Momma's trench/Native American blow-out, but they only have a lavender-vanilla Yankee Candle to show for it. Tripp's mother, Angelica, mistakes the candle for the dynamite they were supposed to buy, thinking it must be one excellent stick for the money. She plans to put it secretly on Native lands, blowing them up, securing Big Momma's trench, and getting her son and friend accolades. Tripp just gets the idea that they can sneak onto the reservation to buy themselves "some good stuff".
An evil laugh floats on a foul wind to Angelica: the self-styled "Uber Minion", who tried to eliminate Angelica to become Big Momma's only minion! He has returned, not with vengeance, but with an offer to join forces! He wants to dethrone Big Momma, which shocks Angelica. Angelica brags about the explosives that will finally complete Big Momma's plans! Unfortunately, a pizza delivery person interrupts them and unexpectedly whips out a lighter and lights up the candle. Angelica braces for the explosion, and everyone else relaxes with the lavender-vanilla. Angelica goes in search of her son. Uber Minion says he'll be waiting for her to join him...
Local weatherman Jeffrey Barber announces a plague of locusts about to swarm Solomon's River.
An old couple watching the report, Grandma and Grandpa, try to remember the last plague in aught-four. They grab their Bibles to pray and Grandpa notices some pages have been chewed out by their granddaughter, who should be changing Great-Grandpa. Grandma opens the door and locust swarm, eating them all down to skeletons.
The locust swarm continues to sweep across Solomon's River, closer and closer to the city proper.
A local hardware store tries to take advantage of the plague by discounting flamethrowers.
- What will Angelica do when confronting Tripp about the Yankee Candle?
- Will Tripp and Jeff find a mighty high on the reservation?
- Is Big Momma's time truly done, and is the Uber Minion strong enough to take her place?
- What's up with the plague of flesh-eating locusts?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv reveals to Princess Lakshmi that Magnus Adversson would give them all his money if Rajiv would kill him. They are horrified...and intrigued. It is a lot of money.
Spirit Animal Raccoon advises Native American Steve that a quest of killing Big Momma is a little out of his reach and that maybe Steve should just give her a flat tire. Spirit Animal Raccoon is rushing because there has been a rounding up of raccoons recently, and he wants to finish this vision quest so he can get out of Solomon's River. Steve, however, will not be hurried, possibly because he's been sniffing tire air, and possibly because he's trying to remember how and why he was in a tent.
Meanwhile, in a long-term nursing care facility, the nurse who has been caring for Patient Steve for the past eight years checks on him, now that she has turned down the incapacitating medication (unbeknownst to whoever has hidden him away). Finally, Steve is freed from the powerful narcotic and can answer her questions that his redacted medical records cannot: Why did someone do this to him, and who is that someone? Steve's memory is still hazy, but the JELLO is delicious. Suddenly, a woman leaps into the room, knocks the nurse on the head, and tells Steve that it's time to go to a rendezvous. This Steve will also not be hurried, as there is still JELLO left.
Angelica reports to Big Momma that the newly acquired son of Judge Graft, Ezekiel, has built four barns already and is showing no signs of stopping. She asks Big Momma why they want such an idiot, and Big Momma reveals her plans, which will put her into full Evil Mode: to force Ezekiel to have babies so they may sacrifice them in front of him. Angelica goes to check which way he swings, and to hopefully find some trashy Lowertown women to impregnate.
- Will Rajiv actually kill Magnus Adversson, by request, to inherit his money?
- Can Spirit Animal Raccoon manage to finish a vision quest, ANY vision quest, to get out of Solomon's River before he's captured and tested for VD?
- Who is Patient Steve, and how did the lady know that the nurse had secretly lowered his medication?
- Will Ezekiel make babies upon request, and what will sacrificing them do for Big Momma?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up on...Solomon's River!
