Princess Lakshmi is getting younger and younger, and is perhaps only five now. Getting to Greece is going to be a problem because Rajiv's credit card is not working. They will have to use hers, but without drawing attention.
Chief Bat Sits, of the Native American tribe protesting the diversion of Lake Superior through tribal lands, berates Runs with Weasels, who has lost touch with his roots, and tells him to go on a spiritual journey. The Chief maintains that it is the children, like Runs with Weasels, who will decide the fate of their tribe: side with blood, or with the Whites? They chant "the rubber not the blubber" and Poops with Owls shares her "peace pipe". Chief Bat Sits takes over the gathering of tires while Munchhausen puts Runs with Weasels into the Dream Tent / Sweat Lodge for his journey. Chief and Poops go to Walmart to take tires.
Runs with Weasels is disappointed that his spirit animal is a raccoon. Raccoon offers to guide him. Runs is belligerent. A wolf howl scares Raccoon. Drums pound. Runs is confused.
Meanwhile, at the local Walmart, a pair of yokels are buying Wesson and baby wipes. When they get out to the lot, they find all their tires are gone. No tires on ANY of those cars. Drums pound... They shuffle on home to barricade themselves against the Indian menace.
- Will Rajiv manage to get Princess Lakshmi to Greece for a cure to her age regression before she turns into a fetus?
- Will Runs with Weasels achieve enlightenment and help his tribe, or will he simply be another disappointing American teenager?
- Can a Raccoon compete against a Wolf in the Spirit Realm?
- What will the self-styled "regular" Americans do now that they feel threatened by the Native American protests?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Angelica reports her progress towards bringing Lake Superior to Solomon's River to Big Momma, but one of the contractors says they've run into Native American troubles, preventing them from digging through burial grounds. Big Momma gets angry and instructs Angelica to fight their tire fires with... more tire fires.
Jeremy (of the indestructible beard) and huddles with his friend to gripe about how all the teachers are now incredibly attracted to his beard. Meanwhile, Claire the teacher, Chet the security guard, and Seth the chemistry teacher drool over memories of the beard--they really can't get enough! Seth points in the direction of the class-skipping Jeremy, Chet grabs his gun, and they vow to get the boy so they can touch his beard!
Princess Lakshmi pops out of Rajiv's backpack as they take a gas station egg salad and Dr. Pibb break from heading to the airport. Unfortunately, Rajiv's credit card is declined and the clerk is suspicious of Rajiv's backpack full of what appears to be a little girl who swears she is Rajiv's lover. When the clerk turns his back, they run away.
A snotty girl named Phlogiston hangs out with her friends Megan and Sylvia. Megan is really good at the phone game Yogiman Po, where you trap creatures and make them as poor as possible. A boy arrives and says the game is "so last week" and that Monopoly is the coolest game now. The boy says two of the three girls are cool enough to join him, leaving Phlogiston behind, swearing revenge.
Brother Chiliwang burns with the power of Princess Evaleene! Brother Offenshitz tries to squeeze the rock of power out of Chiliwang's nose, but it is stuck. Chiliwang hears the voice of Evaleene say, "There are too many people!" Chiliwang understands that Evaleene wants the Brothers to bring a flood upon the people of Solomon's River, killing them all! The Brothers are worried: how do you stop a deity? Brother Offenshitz knows: the only way to get rid of one deity, is to get another.
Dr. Scarlet calls together all the nurses, freshly back from their treatment after being subjected to the NurseNudistNeoNaziNarcanon-anado. Nurse, Nurse Ratched, Nurse Phlebotomy, Nurse Matriculation, Nurse Peels, Nurse Sparkle, and more gather for Dr. Scarlet's announcement: he is retiring as Chief Surgeon. Nurse is shocked, but the rest of the nurses applaud. Dr. Scarlet says his replacement, Dr. Marbles, will be arriving later, and asks the nurses to show him the ropes.
- Will Angelica's tire fires or the Native Americans' tire fires win the day?
- How will Rajiv get Lakshmi to Greece for treatment without a working credit card?
- Can Jeremy get away from the beard-obsessed teachers? How strong will his beard powers become?
- Will Monopoly really be the Next Big Thing?
- What kind of deity can stop Princess Evaleene from making the Brothers flood Solomon's River and killing everyone? Are Big Momma's plans to bring Lake Superior to Solomon's River part of the god's larger plan?
- What will Dr. Scarlet do in retirement?
- Who is the new Chief Surgeon, Dr. Marbles, and is he as young, rich, and available as the nurses are hoping?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Princess Lakshmi faces an unhappy truth when Rajiv measures her against the doorjamb: she is getting shorter, which means she is still getting younger. Estimating her age at about seven, Magnus' promise that a cure could be found within ten years is not reassuring. Princess Lakshmi figures they should travel to Geneva for a faster cure, and Rajiv zips her into a backpack to start their journey.
Brother Chiliwang and Brother Offenschitz contemplate the resurgence of evil they feel from Solomon's River far below their mountain retreat, and they pray for a vision of Princess Evaleene, who once gave them hope and a Happy Dance. She appears to them, now morphed into a rock statue, and announces she is more powerful than ever. They supplicate themselves and ask for help to battle Big Momma, whose evil plans are affecting their peace. "The answer," intones Evaleene, "is inside my nose." They check inside the statue's nose, and they find The Green Crystal of Evaleene! The Crystal, which was the source of Evaleene's power, immediately goes up Brother Chilliwang's nose. The Princess now speaks through the Brother. Offenschitz selfishly asks for money, and Princess/Brother changes him into a beetle. When he pleases her/him again, she/he will turn him back. Offenschitz clicks a little.
Meanwhile, at school, teacher Elaine Gaffney is too high to find her room and truant student Jeremy attempts to use his beard to seduce her! Possible zombie and chemistry teacher Mr. Perchenkowitz shuffles past followed closely by Chet the security guard. Elaine draws Chet's attention to Jeremy, and Chet, too, becomes fascinated by Jeremy's beard. To Jeremy's horror, Elaine, Chet, Seth Perchenkowitz, and any nearby teachers become hypnotized by the awesomeness of the premature, zombie-inoculation-induced beard.
- Will Princess Lakshmi make it to Geneva before she reverts to an embryo?
- Will Rajiv make it to Geneva with a child in his backpack?
- What will the Power of Evaleene do up the Brother Chilliwang's nose, and can she/he stop Big Momma?
- How long will Borther Offenshitz have to be a bug?
- Is Jeremy's beard power getting stronger?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv tells Princess Lakshmi that Magnus Adversson's scientists may have an age-reversal-reversal formula in as soon as ten years. She insists they return her to her actual age (improbably 27) ASAP! Lakshmi reminds Rajiv that keeping her locked in the basement was exactly what drove her away from him and accidentally into the arms of his evil twin, Rojav. Rajiv laments he still has not gotten revenge on his brother for the Las Vegas Incident.
Cool 8th grader Jeremy ditches class with his friend Miller to smoke behind the school. Jeremy shows off his indestructible beard and Miller wants one! Jeremy promises he can find the woman who gave him his Super Beard. The boys are shooed away by Chet, the put-upon Sheriff's Deputy on duty.
Deputy Chet returns to the school for a break. Teacher Claire commiserates over coffee when chemistry teacher, Seth, shuffles in, groaning ominously. Claire and Chet chalk it up to an inability to retire and they wish the kids had been smoking weed for "confiscation". They seek janitor Charlie in the school basement who might have some stink weed. Charlie grows his own and Claire buys $14 worth of "the good stuff". She sprinkles it in her coffee, shares with Chet, and they praise Charlie before they all take off for the bakery.
Following Big Momma's orders, minion Angelica negotiates with a construction contractor for a large project: bring Solomon's River to the banks of Lake Superior, or, to be more accurate, bring Lake Superior to Solomon's River by digging a 250-mile trench. Angelica shows her projected map: through a large green area, houses, a river, a reservation, Federal land, etc. In lieu of proper paperwork, Angelica uses magical Twinkle Fingers to get ten guys with a backhoe to dig day and night.
Home from middle school, Miller gets in trouble with his father who got a call from the principal. Miller's father hits him for hanging around bad kids like the bearded Jeremy. Why does he hit? Because that's the way he was raised! Miller's grandfather, Pappy, enters to berate Miller's father for raising a bad son. Pappy hits Father. Father hits Miller. Miller hits the dog and is praised by Father and Pappy. Miller sasses. Pappy hits Father for having a kid who sasses. Father hits Miller for sassing. Father forbids Miller to see Jeremy. Miller promises he'll hit Jeremy. Proud Father and Pappy give Miller the family baseball bat with nails on the end.
- Will Princess Lakshmi have to go through puberty again, or will Magnus' Geneva scientists find the cure to zombie-incoulation-super-power-age-reversal-spit?
- Are there zombies in the middle school? If so, what will happen if the security, teaching, and janitorial staff are all high?
- Can ten men dig a 250-mile long trench without being noticed?
- Will Jeremy get Brendisha Scarf to inoculate middle schoolers?
- Will Miller betray his friend, or will he betray his family?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Co-ed Jessica is manning the voter registration desk and desperately trying to get personal information from tight-lipped zombies. Name, address, and district escape them, but Jessica's brains don't. She is eaten.
Rajiv pleads with the unusually young Princess Lakshmi to understand: he doesn't want to be a child molester. She wants him as a man, and he wants her to have an early bedtime. A threatened spanking nearly brings their desires together, but Rajiv wins out when a customer enters, forcing Lakshmi into the basement again. Magnus Adversson orders a rhubarb pie with youth-inducing Rajiv spit. As a suddenly younger Magnus, Rajiv has him sign a contract for youth-spit research in Geneva, and Lakshmi reminds Rajiv she would also like a reverse formula so she can get back to normal.
Angelica returns to her mistress after having been kidnapped and nearly killed by the Uber Minion. Establishing herself as Uber Minion, Angelica asks for new instructions, and Mistress says, "Let the town of Solomon's River be on the shores of Lake Superior!" Angelica figures moving the lake will be easier than moving the town and she begins drafting plans.
Reporter Anabelle Anderson of WWSR brings breaking news: a voter registration volunteer had the stop of her head chewed off. A "down-home" eye witness reports what she saw in a way that she hopes will get her an autotuned song for her fifteen minutes of fame.
In their backwoods cabin, Bartholomew begs Cletus to help him find the lost girl they lost again. Cletus strains to think though his hunger, but maintains he sees the girl in a bush. Sally runs through their weak grasps.
Meanwhile, at the police station, Deputy George interviews a woman reporting she was inappropriately touched on the head and hand. She describes the perp: very pale, dark hair that came down in a point, pointy sideburns, like Spock, but regular ears, perhaps pointy teeth... She screams as Lieutenant Bustybottoms enters. The Lieutenant has a similar smell: cologne and feet. Bustybottoms admits he likes to smoke Indian cigarettes and they figure the perp must, too. The woman says the man "disappeared in a twinkle of light" and demands he be brought down the station...so he can touch her again!
- Is co-ed Jessica fully digested, or will she return as a zombie? Will that help her communicate better with the zombie population?
- How fast can Magnus' scientists recreate the youth-spit, and can they make it reversible?
- What will Bartholomew and Cletus do when and if they ever recapture Sally?
- Can Deputy George catch the touchy-feely criminal?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv tries to comfort a very young Princess Lakshmi in the coffee shop's basement. Rajiv has a "wait and see" philosophy, and suggests pretending Lakshmi is a niece from out of town. She wants her man's love, but it's simply too creepy for him.
Meanwhile, a new plot line develops in a scrapbooking store when Steven, a former gymnast gone to seed, returns to visit his ex-partner. He left her to follow a Star Trek convention. He swears he only came to the shop for paper, stirs up memories from the past. The fact that Steven has touched a girl impresses his road trip partner and fellow Trekkie. They stay civil, and he gives him the 10" command gold paper, despite...the child! Their last stint in Cirque du Soleil produced Steven Jr., who is very angry at his absent father; however Steven reveals her deception: he is sterile! Who could the father be? Judge Graft enters, cutting their argument short, and she gives her former lover the paper on the house. Apparently the judge and Steven know each other... Once Steven leaves, the scrapbook store owner hints to Judge Graft that she may need a sample of his DNA for testing.
Jessica, the university student, seems to be stalking Judge Graft as she manages to corner him at the scrapbooking store. She pins him down to get his approval for her zombie voting rights idea and he offers a three-fifths compromise. His not wanting to count the zombies as full people disturbs the equality-minded Jessica, but the judge assures her that "no lawyer in the county would represent them."
At a bus stop, a zombie waits impatiently. The enterprising Jessica tries to register the zombie to vote. Other zombies shuffle in, groaning. A bus finally arrives and the zombies, not sure about their polling places, get on...sitting in the front...
- Will Rajiv's super youth spit wear off, or will Princess Lakshmi have to grow up naturally? Or, will she remain a young child forever? What will the couple do about their "relations"?
- If Trekkie Steven is not the father of Steven Jr., who is? Could it be Judge Graft?
- How will the judge's three-fifths compromise go over with Solomon's River's zombie population?
- Can zombies freely sit in the front of the bus?
- Will Jessica's push to get zombies registered to vote work, or will she have her brains eaten?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
A representative from mayoral candidate Jere Koff's office is visiting Judge Graft with a briefcase full of money she assures the judge has nothing at all to do with cover-ups of the past or favors in the future. The judge promises to take the...briefcase...under advisement. The representative hopes even certain forwarded "junk pictures" could be kept hush-hush, too, and she promises not to mention Mrs. Koff, who is under the judge's desk, to Jere.
Rajiv is reunited with Princess Lakshmi, who is too afraid of her own powers to move. Even taking a step can crush cement, and it's getting worse. Rajiv wants to put her in his basement, but, besides hating the basement, she is afraid she'd knock down the whole store. If only she could go back to the way she was... Rajiv realized he holds the key in his spit! Using his reverse-aging superpower spit, he scraks on her to "turn back the clock" and she no longer has overwhelming strength. After his explanation, she begs to be spit on some more. Unfortunately, Rajiv's superpower is also gaining strength, and she reverse-ages to a teenager, then to a child. His power, which had only been temporary, may also be gaining longevity... Rajiv takes the hand of child Lakshmi to bring her to his basement. She cries for help, which now looks all kinds of wrong.
Detective Smegly laments not having a police precinct secretary (the previous secretary had a chip implanted in her brain from H.A.L. and has not returned.) A call comes in regarding a possible kidnapping, and Detective Smegly promises to send someone over. Jessica, a poly sci major at a local university, looks for directions to Jere Koff's office so she can work as a volunteer for a school project. The office is just down the hall.
Co-ed Jessica finds Jere Koff's office manned only by Spanish-speaking Juan. Jessica's project idea is to help register zombies, but she may have seen too much: Jere employs illegal immigrants. Jere's representative returns just in time to remove Jessica from the area and try to clean up the mess.
- Will Jere Koff's campaign have any money to spend on bumper stickers after they spent so much on bribes and cover-ups?
- Will the Koff campaign be able to use go-getter Jessica's "get out the zombie vote" project, or does she already know too much?
- Is Lakshmi saved from her super strength only to be doomed to live as a child?
- Is Rajiv now, technically, a pedophile?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
