Episode 134

Cletus and Bartholemew, finally home, are arguing about who gets to eat lasagna and who Mom likes best (it's Bartholemew). Bartholemew tries to make Cletus believe that Mom is home (which she isn't), but in the meantime Cletus eats the last two pieces of lasagna. In retaliation, Bartholemew sends his brother out alone into the woods to find Sally.

Meanwhile, in another part of the woods, McShane is also wandering about looking for Sally.

Meanwhile meanwhile, in another other part of the woods, Sally and Tommy manage to find each other. Sally, who was tied up by a wolfman, is untied by Tommy as she fills him in on her latest adventures. To prevent getting separated again, they tie themselves together, but cannot decide which direction to go. Sally worries that this is how she got pregnant in the first place, and we are reminded that she believes Dr. Scarlet killed her baby and they, in turn, were going to kill the doctor in retribution. Before they leave the woods, Sally presses her very cold fingers against him, and they go off to get him checked for a baby, just in case.

Jerry Koff, now running for Mayor, is recruiting for his campaign. He plans to target the zombie community, enticing them with the slogan, "#BRAINS!!!"

McShane tries to wander off in the same direction Tommy and Sally went.

The Nurses' Association has called a meeting with the CDC to address the outbreaks of multiple dangerous, deadly, and highly contagious diseases in Solomon's River.  Expert Dr. Phlogiston and her colleague, also called Nurse and both freshly back from the Congo, meet with Nurse who recaps for them the Nurse-nudist-neo-Nazi-NARCanon-a-nado which spread a skin disease, as well as the zombie infestation and, possibly, the Zika virus.  Dr. Phlogiston and her personal Nurse are a bit horrified at both the magnitude of disease as well as the number of old, ugly nudists they might have to see.  Nurse sets up an appointment with them to meet with Dr. Scarlett.  Dr. Scarlett, however, has a history with Dr. Phlogiston.

Just in case Dr. Phlogiston and her Nurse don't make it to the Jam for Episode 136, they have their meeting right away at the local Starbucks.  It has been 20 years, but their unfinished business rears its ugly head.  Dr. Scarlett eyes Dr. Phlogiston's Nurse and we learn their history may have been professional, or it may have involved jealousy over a woman.  The drinks fly hot and fast into faces and the barista calls the police to report a rumble.  Detective Smegly enters to break it up.  The doctors think maybe they were in error and they don't actually know each other.  They order new drinks.  Satisfied the fighting is done, the detective leaves.  Dr. Phlogiston manages to insult Dr. Scarlett, who then orders a venti to fling and the fighting renews!

• Will either Bartholomew or McShane manage to find Tommy and Sally?
• Will Tommy and Sally find their way to Dr. Scarlett, and if so, will they really kill him?
• Who is running against Jere Koff, and do they have a chance now that he's going after the zombie vote? #brains
• What is the history between Dr. Phlogiston and Dr. Scarlett?  Can they work together to help Solomon's River?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 133

Rajiv is in a pickle: does wait for the upset Princess Lakshmi in case she returns, or does he go to Magnus Adversson's mansion to work on plans for his "Scrak of Youth"?  Before he can decide, Lakshmi calls from the last payphone in all of Solomon's River to tell him that her super strength is getting out of control.  She can say no more, however, because she accidentally crushes the receiver.  Rajiv leaves to find her.

Jeremy, the 8th grader with the premature and indestructible beard, meets Loser Myrtle's father when he arrives to pick her up for the school dance (followed by a rented hotel room.)  Her father says both a dance and a hotel is too much; Jeremy may only choose one, so he chooses the hotel.  Bad kids from the school egg Myrtle as she leaves with Jeremy, but the couple is not deterred, and Myrtle vows vengeance.

Meanwhile, in the zombie-infested recording studio, opera star Rinatta Frinatta arrives to record her arias.  Miss Frinatta tries to work with a zombie pianist and zombie recording engineer, but they turn her beautiful aria into an operatic rendition of "Brains!"  Rinatta Frinatta leaves to complain to her manager.

In Solomon's River's General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett tries to get his new nurse to find his old nurse, Nurse.  Describing Nurse's most distinctive attribute, the new nurse promises to report him to HR, but is promptly fired when a new, new nurse arrives.  Rinatta Frinatta hurries in, worried about possible contagions from the horrible workers at the recording studio.  The quiet hospital suddenly bustling, Princess Lakshmi enters, complaining about the unwanted superpower side effects of Brendeesha Scarf's Zombie Inoculation.  Intrigued, Rinatta sneaks away.  Dr. Scarlett scoffs at the idea of zombies, just before zombies enter.  Lakshmi shows off her powers by crushing some zombies.  Dr. Scarlett debates the limits of the Hippocratic Oath.

In Brendisha Scarf's laboratory, they worry about tracking all their missing subjects.  Rinatta Frintatta, wanting to preserve her voice, arrives for a zombie inoculation.  Three hours later, Rinatta finds out about the side effects first hand.  She opens her mouth, and her voice is not only operatic, but very, VERY loud, breaking glass, plastic, and metal!

Tara the Cool Girl gathers her posse of fellow cool girls (Zelda, Shirra, and Gladys) and vows to get revenge on Loser Myrtle after being passed over by Hottie Jeremy of the Beard.  The fellow cool girls, falling in line behind Tara, strut to the dance...

• Will Rajiv find Princess Lakshmi?
• Will Princess Lakshmi get her super strength under control?
• Will everyone's zombie inoculation super power keep increasing?
• Will Dr. Scarlett start treating zombies?
• Where has Nurse gone?
• Can Brendeesha Scarf ever publish her results when all her test subjects run away?
• How will Jeremy and Loser Myrtle's 8th grade date at a local hotel go?
• Will Tara, Zelda, Shirra, and Gladys find Myrtle and if so, what are their plans?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 132

Rajiv is sick of being tested for superpowers and is glad when Magnus Adversson wanders into the coffee shop.  Princess Lakshmi becomes upset when she cannot control her zombie-inoculation-induced super-strength, and runs out, crying over a ruined fork.  Magnus orders his regular rhubarb pie and Doctor Pibb, but after sipping the Doctor Pibb, into which Rajiv has back-washed, is surprised by a change: he is younger!  They deduce that Rajiv has rejuvenating spit!  Unfortunately, the effect doesn't last long, and Rajiv needs to spit on Magnus repeatedly.  While young, however, Magnus Adversson realizes there is money to be made here, and he hatches a plan to harvest Rajiv spit to find the secret to the Rajiv Scrak Fountain of Youth!  They plan to meet up at Magnus' mansion.

Later, in a recording studio, music producer Marcus is doing the final recording of pop star Shasta's zombie apocalypse song, "Brains!"  It's a wrap, but zombies, perhaps attracted by the new smash single, infiltrate and infect the assistant producer who in turn chases Marcus and Shasta out of the studio.

Bartholomew and Cletus are sincerely lost in the woods, nearly drown out by howling wolves.  McShane wanders by, calling Tommy and Sally.  Unfortunately for McShane, the brothers are very hungry, and they have rope.  They tie up McShane and take him home for food.  If they can find home, that is...

Meanwhile, in the middle school where even the teachers pick on Loser Myrtle, Myrtle is accosted by the snobby girls who pretend to like her and promise to help her do her hair, makeup and dress for the school dance.  As the snobby girls mock and lie to Myrtle, hunky Jeremy (of the unshavable beard) walks by.  Snobby Sara uses her deep voice to say hello, but Jeremy only stops to ask if Myrtle will go to the dance with him!

• What plans does Magnus have for Rajiv's rejuvenating spit?
• How will Princess Lakshmi deal with her super strength?
• Will Shasta's "Brains!" pop single be a hit?  Does the song really affect zombies?
• How will McShane taste to Bartholomew and Cletus?
• Did Jeremy seriously ask Loser Myrtle to the dance, or is he in on some snobby plot?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 131

Rajiv keeps testing Lakshmi's sudden super strength, and Lakshmi keeps testing Rajiv to find his super power.  It's not mind reading.  It's not flying.  It's not hovering.  It's not immunity to pain.  Lakshmi uses her super strength to pick him up and run him back to Rajiv's Coffee House so he may meditate on the possibilities.

Bartholomew and Cletus argue as brothers do who are hungry, stuck in the forest, and tied together.  Bartholomew knocks the treesagna out of Cletus' hands and they argue about saving the girl or not.  Cletus stands firm about going home.  Bartholomew relents, as his brother is much bigger, and they head home, hoping the girl (who is Sally) will either find her own way, or at least distract the wolves plaguing this part of the forest.

Meanwhile, in a hallway outside the fifth grade classroom a frock of girls gossips about Jeremy with the Beard!  One thinks it's gross, but the more developed girl thinks it's hot.  Jeremy himself walks by and says, "What's up, Sara?" causing Sara to lose it like a fangirl.  She's positive Jeremy will now ask her to the Fifth Grade Dinner Dance--as long as Loser Myrtle isn't there.  Nobody likes her and Sara teases a plan for a prank to her scheming friends.

Friendly neighborhood barber Bobby McMasterfaster is a little lonely in his shop, hoping business will pick up soon when the bell rings optimistically.  Unfortunately, it's not a customer; it's a Born-Again Christian asking if he's found his personal Savior in Jesus Christ.  A blade flashes, the blood flows, and the Born-Again confesses with her dying breath she didn't really believe.  Bobby laughs and laughs...

• Will meditation help Rajiv find his zombie-inoculation-induced superpower?
• Will Bartholomew and Cletus find their way home in the wolf-infested woods?
• What has become of Sally?
• Will Jeremy ask Sara to the Dinner Dance?
• What is the prank Sara wants to pull on Loser Myrtle?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 130

Bobby McMasterfaster, new to the bustling Solomon's River and still happy-go-lucky and full of hope, looks to rent a storefront for his new barber shop.  Landlord Sean and his harpy wife agree to rent to him because they need the money.

Elsewhere, the Princess Evaleene is holding an audience for her supplicants who are ready to do her bidding.  After dancing and meditation, Princess Evaleene glows and springs extra arms!  The devotees praise her and ask instructions.  An unusually deep voice emanates from the Princess, "You must bring me the child!"  Which child?  "Tuesday's child!"  They promise to do her bidding as she flies off, mysteriously.

At Mason Brothers Moving Company, Franny Mason's employee, Tripp, has gotten word that his mother may have been packed away in one of the boxes from the former bar, The Dead Canary.  They leave to check, but do not know they are too late, because...

...in a truck headed far, far from Solomon's River, a woman with a thick foreign accent awakes to find herself in a box.  The woman, Tripp's mother and minion Angelica, doesn't know that her rival, Uber Minion, is the driver!  After he leaves to pee at a rest stop, she digs out her emergency box cutter.  Angelica just manages to roll open and closed the truck's rear door when Uber Minion returns from the bathroom.  As he drives away with her gripping the back of the truck, she swears she will get him when next he has to pee.

Young, giggly Lindsey Makesweaty has trouble learning how to sweep, but patient barber Bobby McMasterfaster hires her anyway.  A mother enters with her extremely bearded twelve year old son.  She wants it off, immediately; however, the youngster's beard is tougher to remove than is anticipated.  Lindsey tries using the broom, but only manages to knock the poor, hairy kid unconscious.  Three hours of clipping, razoring, and depilating have proven futile.  The mother jumps to the conclusion that it must be anabolic steroids, but she doesn't know that the previous day, her as-yet beardless boy went to Brendeesha Scarf's laboratory, wanting to become the Coolest Kid in School.  Unethically, she gives him the anti-zombie (pro-superhero) potion.

Meanwhile, in the Solomon's River fifth grade girl's bathroom, a nameless snob and  Allison, the coolest girl in the whole school who also has boobs, shun Stinky Marsha, discuss fifth grade boys, and wish those same boys were older.  A geeky kid asks to use the bathroom, as he's not feeling well.

Princess Lakshmi has discovered her powers are increasing and she shows Rajiv by lifting a VW bus.  She posits that the anti-zombie-ism potion they took may also have given Rajiv super strength.  He tries to lift the Volkswagen, but his power is definitely not strength.

• Will Bobby McMasterfaster's barber shop hold up under the hope-drain that is Solomon's River?
• Who is "Tuesday's child" and what does Princess Evaleene want with him or her?
• Where is Uber Minion taking Angelica, and will she be able to take him down?
• Will Angelica's son Tripp discover she has been minion-napped?
• How many people has Brendeesha Scarf dosed with potions?
• What will become of the Soft-but-Tough-Beard Boy?
• Are Princess Lakshmi's powers permanent?
• What is Rajiv's power?
• Does the potion even inoculate against zombie-ism?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 129

Zombie Professional Brendeesha Scarf's secretary alerts her boss to the increasing appointment cancellations due to the outbreak of zombie-ism.  Even Brendeesha's "livestock" of healthy humans had been infiltrated by a zombie, and now lie mostly dead, having feasted on each other.

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi arrive for their appointment and, between their bickering, request an inoculation against zombie-ism.  Brendeesha ushers the couple into a cage, closes the door, and returns with two vials of liquid.  While Rajiv and Lakshmi debate the trustworthiness of the Zombie Professional, they hear the distinct groans of a zombie...behind them.  They drink!  Yeech: licorice.  Not a fan of being locked up, Princess Lakshmi grabs the bars of the cage and finds that she has the strength to bend apart the metal!  They run away.

Ms Scarf and her secretary discuss the increased haste in the anti-zombie-ism formula's testing process, having skipped over several important safety steps.  Checking on their latest subjects, they find the cage bent and empty.  Assuming the potion worked, and worried about an open zombie cage, Ms Scarf and her secretary take the potion, too.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the woods, Bartholomew and Cletus are tied together (for safety), hungry, and still haven't found Sally.  Frightened by a disembodied cackling, they are more frightened when the Old Man of the Woods appears!  Bartholomew explains their situation, Cletus complains of hunger.  The Old Man of the Woods works his magic on the nearest tree, which provides Cletus' favorite food: lasagna.  It's good!

The men try hard to remember Sally's name, but only get as close as "Sah-rah-lah-ha".  The Old Man calls for quiet, and speaks to the tree roots to find out who is in the forest: a bear, pooping; campers, having a fight; wandering naked nurses and Neonazis, and finally, a girl!  She is not alone... She is going to be in much trouble as she is with... The Wolfman!  Bartholomew and Cletus are worried for the girl and the Old Man says the trees will show them the way to find her.  The Old Man of the Woods disappears!

Indeed, the trees appear to point, but they are also gassy, laughing, and uninformative.  The men want to give up until they hear Sally's faint cry of, "Help me!"  Cletus would prefer to go home and eat his treesagna, but Bartholomew believes they CAN be heroes and drives them onward.

• What has Brendeesha Scarf's anti-zombie formula actually done to Princess Lakshmi?
• What could it have done to Rajiv?
• Does it actually inoculate against zombie-ism?
• Will Bartholomew and Cletus become heroes and save Sally?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 128

Bartholomew and Cletus grow worried, as Sally has been gone over an hour and has not yet returned with their possum. They argue regarding the wisdom of sending someone who had been lost in the woods for two days out into the woods once again. It also comes out that Mom liked Cletus better, mainly because he looks better in a skirt. Cletus is hungry, so they go out looking for her. 

 

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the woods, Sally wanders aimlessly, looking for Tommy and possums. She finds tracks which are bigger than her hand. She follows, ignoring the wolf howling, until she comes across a stranger who admits to having eaten the possum she was following. He invites her back to his place and she, of course, goes with him.

Elsewhere in the woods, Cletus demands to know why Bartholomew always leads, since he always gets them lost. After some back and forth, they apologize to each other. Cletus decides they have to go talk to the Old Man of the Woods. Ignoring the Old Man of the Forest who happens to be passing by, they follow the Old Man of the Woods trail in their quest to find the Old Man of the Woods.

Somewhere else, an old couple is fighting when the neighbor bangs on their wall, yelling for them to be quiet. Fred's wife Elizabeth tells him to talk with his neighbor, who refuses to come down (he has "the gout"), but instead sends down his older brother, Pedro, who is a retired luchador. Fred threatens to whoop his ass, but when Pedro arrives, they have a nice little chat about how cranky Pedro's younger brother is. His brother goads him to "Give 'em what for!" but Pedro says he'd rather just sit there and watch, which Fred and Elizabeth take him up on, inviting him into the bedroom.

Rajiv and Lakshmi have finally made their way out of the caverns, having eluded the zombies, at least for the moment. The Princess suggests, since they are the only two who know about the zombie infestation, that they call in a zombie professional. There is a knock on the door; it is the famous zombie professional, Brendita Scarf! Brendita agrees to save Solomon's River!

Later, at Brendita Scarf's place, Brendita's secretary is trying to tell a frantic man that her boss has no time free in her schedule to see him. He needs to tell her that there are zombies everywhere! The secretary tries to send him back outside, but he says he'll do anything rather than go back out there. She asks him to "step into this cage with these other gentlemen," and promises to get back to him later on. There he is informed by another man that they are to be used as "bait" by the zombie hunter. While there may be free Twinkies, he is still upset and wants to plan to escape, but gets little help from his fellow captives, one who actually volunteered. Suddenly, one of the men in the cage reveals himself to be a zombie, and chaos ensues!

• Will Bartholomew and Cletus find Sally?
• Will Sally be safe with this new stranger?
• Will Pedro be content to sit and watch?
• Can Brendita Scarf solve the zombie crisis?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!