Rajiv puts embryonic Princess Lakshmi in a jar, pokes holes in the lid, and puts her down in Magnus Adversson's root cellar, hoping she'll grow again, now that he's not spitting on her.
Judge Graft calls court to session for People vs. Native American Tribe, regarding burning tires and occupying public land. The People ask that the Natives be forcibly removed. The Judge instructs the bailiff: stuff the public defender in a home, bring in the Native Americans for burning tires, and find the deity reported to be around town and bring him/her to the Court.
Because of Solomon's River General Hospital's lack of revenue, Dr. Scarlett instructs Nurse to fire two nurses using a nurse test to determine which are worthy. First test requires them to load their carts with the tools for a car accident with hemorrhaging/intubation tools. Results are...mixed. The next test is a patient they must diagnose just by looking and asking only one question. "Where does it hurt?" asks Nurse Flatula (answer: all over.) Nurse Anina queries, "Do you always look so stupid?" (yes) Nurse Mandale, "Is your father also your uncle?" (no) Finally Nurse Steve asks, "What kind of drugs do you get for something like that?" (whatever he can buy). None of the nurses recognize the man has...chickenpox!
Suddenly, Henry from HR shows up and reveals Dr. Scarlett is also a...NURSE! The reveal rankles the nurses who have been put-upon by Dr. Scarlett; however, Nurse sees another opportunity and tries to get the nurses to see that Henry from HR has an urgent problem. While they only notice he is a little ugly, Nurse points out his yellow skin tone, left eyelid droop, auditory hallucination of tinkling, and sudden, instantaneous death (which is, of course, why Nurse is Head Nurse.) Nurse Flatula is fired immediately. Nurse is angry with Dr. Scarlett for being so hard on the nurses when he, himself, is a nurse. Dr. Scarlett is tired of Nurse being so full of herself, and he fires her right then and there!
Outside, Nurse runs into Nurse Flatula who immediately suggests they pair up to start their own practice--they do!
- What will become of embryonic Princess Lakshmi floating in a jar?
- What will the Native Americans think of having to be dragged to Judge Graft's court, and will their payments to him pay off?
- Can a bailiff catch a deity?
- How will Solomon's River General Hospital fare with two of their nurses starting their own practice?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv is frustrated after Magnus Adversson's unwillingness to produce the antidote to Rajiv's extreme anti-aging spit, and tries to get Princess Lakshmi on board with searching Magnus' Grecian mansion, but the princess' regression has reached a critical level and her infancy regresses...into an embryo! Rajiv picks her up in a tissue and goes to find a jar.
McShane is loving his new job as a school custodian. As he bends to scrape gum off the floor, disembodied voices call to him, "McShane! We're lost and scared! We might die because of you!" Guilt forces him to ask for a vacation so he can search for Tommy and Sally in the woods.
Tripp and a friend break into Rajiv's Coffee House to steal the copper pipes. Groaning floats up to them from the basement trap door and gives Tripp a brainstorm: open a zombie-themed bar! He figures they'll work for brains.
Angelica debriefs Big Momma on the progression of Lake Superior to Solomon's River which is being blocked by Native American protesters. Angelica believes she can get the White Folk to fight the Native Americans simply because of racial bias...as long as they don't find out Big Momma herself is a lovely shade of burnished copper. Angelica further suggests a curse on the natives. Big Momma says to cause fire in the tee-pees and trailer homes, blow up the mansions and gas stations, and cause the crops to fail. Angelica leaves to get the components to cast the curse.
Exploring the woods for Tommy and Sally is just as frustrating as it ever was for McShane and voices echo ominously.
Kevin and Zeb hide in his closet to his from the recently summoned Jewish deity Gigi. They think controlling her might be easier than killing her outright; however, the time isn't right for Kevin's motion-magic and they'll have to keep Gigi in the basement until the moon is full and hope she doesn't cause too much trouble in those seventeen days.
- Will Rajiv be able to save the embryonic Princess Lakshmi?
- Are zombies still cool enough to make Tripp's bar successful?
- What will the Native Americans do if Big Momma's curse works?
- What will the Angry White Folk do if they find out Big Momma herself isn't white?
- Will McShane save Tommy and Sally to assuage his guilt, or will he die trying?
- Can new magician Kevin control a deity?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Spirit Animal Raccoon is growing impatient with the dream-resistant Runs with Weasels, but soon a vision manifests: two females...fighting over a bathing suit...and using one another like lollypops... Though the Spirit Animal is interested, the vision dissipates quickly as Runs with Weasels only wants more Peace Pipe. Runs is awakened by a Chief who objects to the rude nudity and tells the turgid youth to leave.
Hidden in the baggage of the plane, Rajiv and the baby Princess Lakshmi finally land in Greece where they hope to find a cure from Magnus Adversson for the Princess' age regression. At his Grecian mansion, Magnus basks in his own regression, which has allowed him to return to the vigor, and non-pant pooping, age of 25. Rajiv interrupts and begs Magnus to help, but Magnus will only help once he has free rights to Rajiv's spit. Rajiv demands the antidote now. Magnus refuses, so Rajiv spits on him until he, too, is a baby--who instantly has a poopie party with the baby Lakshmi!
In budding magician Kevin's basement rec room, his budding magician friend Zeb discovers the last, and toughest, pages of their magic book are missing. Zeb has the revelation that somebody from the spirit realm doesn't want the fantastically talented Kevin to learn those spells. Kevin's mom, Mrs. McUmphry, interrupts with some Tontino's Pizza Rolls and casually mentions she threw out a wad of ripped-out book pages, save one. That one page, however, will level up Kevin's motion magic. Kevin reads the page...he swirls...he twirls...he waves his arms... he conjures and traps a minor Jewish deity: Gigi! Now they can use her to get the rest of the spells.
Judge Rufus T. Graft calls for his secretary Ellie Mae, but there is a temp in her place today. Judge Graft informs the temp of an important meeting with "those red-skinned bastards" which should only be recorded in the "other book" because he is willing to judge in their favor if "the wheels of justice are greased". Two native women arrive; Runs with Rivers is shocked by the process of bribery, but Dances on the Beach is shocked that judge wants money and not the sex she was willing to give. Unfortunately, Judge Graft is unable to "lift the gavel" and instead wishes to have a percentage of their "leafy" crop business. He threatens them with his connections at the DEA if they do not come to an agreement, which is that he will stop the diversion of Lake Superior IF they make him a 20% under-the-table partner. They will take it under consideration.
- Will Runs with Weasels find enlightenment before Spirit Raccoon gives up on him?
- Can Rajiv find and use Magnus' age-regression antidote on his own, or will he now have to raise two babies, who may only get younger?
- What will Jewish deity Gigi do for...or to...Kevin?
- Will the Native Americans agree to Judge Graft's deal, and can they trust him?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
This episode begins on an international flight from Solomon's River to Greece, where Rajiv is hoping Magnus Adversson can help the now baby Princess Lakshmi. The couple picked up an abandoned French boy, Jacques, at the airport, but he has been in the plane's bathroom for over an hour and a half. Rajiv asks a stewardess to check, but the boy is not there! Rajiv panics, asking the stewardess to get the pilot to "bring the plane down", which is immediately misconstrued, having been said by a "foreigner". The stewardess uses the code phrase to access the cockpit and reports the problem. While she and the pilot debate the merits of tying them up or pushing them out the "ejection door", Princess Lakshmi needs a diaper change, so Rajiv disappears into the lavatory with her. When the stewardess goes to their seats, the two are gone! The pilot leaves the controls to the co-pilot to help the stewardess. Rajiv senses what is up and he sneaks away to the baggage compartment below. Returning to the cabin, the stewardess finds the co-pilot is also gone! She clarifies for the pilot what he should do: "Fly the *expletive* plane!"
Meanwhile, at the Native Americans' protest, Chief Bat Sits and Mini-hoohoo discuss the as-yet unfruitful Dream Tent journey of Runs with Weasels. They lament that their youth don't seem to have the heart and strength to follow Native tradition. Mini-hoohoo suggests bringing back the peace pipe, which she promptly produces and takes a deep hit. The Chief worries that the government will side with the White People and let them run Lake Superior through their lands. Mini-hoohoo suggests trying to get the townspeople on their side through trade, like they did in the old days. Taking a hit, Chief Bat Sits knows what to trade, and they both go to Mini-hoohoo's garden.
Elsewhere, an amateur witch and her friend Kevin attempt to "find their magic centers". They each draw a circle of protection and Kevin begins the hand motions while she follows. They feel the energy of Kevin's motion magic and she is able to make a small cloud, and he is able to make a small sound. She predicts they will be the best magicians Solomon's River has ever seen!
- Where are all the people disappearing to on United Flight 666?
- Will Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi find Jacques and/or get to Greece safely?
- Will peaceful trading of whatever Mini-hoohoo and her twin Poops with Owls grow in their garden get enough townspeople on their side to stop the redirection of Lake Superior through native lands?
- Will Runs with Weasels ever return from his Dream Journey, and, more importantly, what will he learn?
- Who is this amateur witch? How powerful is her friend Kevin? What do they intend to do with their powers?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Runs with Weasels is plagued with two Spirit Animals in the Dream Tent: Raccoon and Wolf. Unfortunately, Raccoon owes Wolf fifty bucks and is easily distracted by garbage cans.
Rajiv is now at the airport with Princess Lakshmi, but is having a hard time as the Princess has now regressed into a toddler. Rajiv wrestles away a purse from a crying two year old, but no one seems to notice. As Rajiv argues with a low-level worker to buy food with her credit card, Lakshmi regresses even further into a baby on the floor. He scoops her up and runs away.
The couple from Walmart has barricaded themselves inside their house against the Indian protesters outside. The woman and her daughter look over their supplies: gold bars and food rations. Husband/father Jethro was supposed the be loading up the weapons, but he is nowhere to be found--the Injuns got 'im! The woman claims her right to live on the land she's been on for a whole fifteen years: American land for Americans! They will raise up others to fight and find Jethro.
French boy Jacques stands in the Solomon's River Airport, his mother pinning a note to his jacket saying, "Please take care of my boy." She wishes him a better life in America and bids him a tearful Au Revoir. Jacques doesn't speak much English. Rajiv stumbles upon Jacques and Baby Princess Lakshmi takes an instant liking to the boy. Jacques is swept up into their trip to Greece. Before an unhelpful ticket agent and an overzealous Angelina Jolie can thwart them, Rajiv grabs his own tickets and they sneak away.
- Which Spirit Animal will guide Runs with Weasels: a sneaky Raccoon, or an even sneaker Wolf?
- What has happened to Jethro, and will his wife be able to raise up a militia to find out?
- How will Rajiv's trip to Greece be with his now-infant girlfriend in his lap and a French-speaking boy stranger in tow? Will they make it to Magnus Aversson's laboratory?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Princess Lakshmi is getting younger and younger, and is perhaps only five now. Getting to Greece is going to be a problem because Rajiv's credit card is not working. They will have to use hers, but without drawing attention.
Chief Bat Sits, of the Native American tribe protesting the diversion of Lake Superior through tribal lands, berates Runs with Weasels, who has lost touch with his roots, and tells him to go on a spiritual journey. The Chief maintains that it is the children, like Runs with Weasels, who will decide the fate of their tribe: side with blood, or with the Whites? They chant "the rubber not the blubber" and Poops with Owls shares her "peace pipe". Chief Bat Sits takes over the gathering of tires while Munchhausen puts Runs with Weasels into the Dream Tent / Sweat Lodge for his journey. Chief and Poops go to Walmart to take tires.
Runs with Weasels is disappointed that his spirit animal is a raccoon. Raccoon offers to guide him. Runs is belligerent. A wolf howl scares Raccoon. Drums pound. Runs is confused.
Meanwhile, at the local Walmart, a pair of yokels are buying Wesson and baby wipes. When they get out to the lot, they find all their tires are gone. No tires on ANY of those cars. Drums pound... They shuffle on home to barricade themselves against the Indian menace.
- Will Rajiv manage to get Princess Lakshmi to Greece for a cure to her age regression before she turns into a fetus?
- Will Runs with Weasels achieve enlightenment and help his tribe, or will he simply be another disappointing American teenager?
- Can a Raccoon compete against a Wolf in the Spirit Realm?
- What will the self-styled "regular" Americans do now that they feel threatened by the Native American protests?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Angelica reports her progress towards bringing Lake Superior to Solomon's River to Big Momma, but one of the contractors says they've run into Native American troubles, preventing them from digging through burial grounds. Big Momma gets angry and instructs Angelica to fight their tire fires with... more tire fires.
Jeremy (of the indestructible beard) and huddles with his friend to gripe about how all the teachers are now incredibly attracted to his beard. Meanwhile, Claire the teacher, Chet the security guard, and Seth the chemistry teacher drool over memories of the beard--they really can't get enough! Seth points in the direction of the class-skipping Jeremy, Chet grabs his gun, and they vow to get the boy so they can touch his beard!
Princess Lakshmi pops out of Rajiv's backpack as they take a gas station egg salad and Dr. Pibb break from heading to the airport. Unfortunately, Rajiv's credit card is declined and the clerk is suspicious of Rajiv's backpack full of what appears to be a little girl who swears she is Rajiv's lover. When the clerk turns his back, they run away.
A snotty girl named Phlogiston hangs out with her friends Megan and Sylvia. Megan is really good at the phone game Yogiman Po, where you trap creatures and make them as poor as possible. A boy arrives and says the game is "so last week" and that Monopoly is the coolest game now. The boy says two of the three girls are cool enough to join him, leaving Phlogiston behind, swearing revenge.
Brother Chiliwang burns with the power of Princess Evaleene! Brother Offenshitz tries to squeeze the rock of power out of Chiliwang's nose, but it is stuck. Chiliwang hears the voice of Evaleene say, "There are too many people!" Chiliwang understands that Evaleene wants the Brothers to bring a flood upon the people of Solomon's River, killing them all! The Brothers are worried: how do you stop a deity? Brother Offenshitz knows: the only way to get rid of one deity, is to get another.
Dr. Scarlet calls together all the nurses, freshly back from their treatment after being subjected to the NurseNudistNeoNaziNarcanon-anado. Nurse, Nurse Ratched, Nurse Phlebotomy, Nurse Matriculation, Nurse Peels, Nurse Sparkle, and more gather for Dr. Scarlet's announcement: he is retiring as Chief Surgeon. Nurse is shocked, but the rest of the nurses applaud. Dr. Scarlet says his replacement, Dr. Marbles, will be arriving later, and asks the nurses to show him the ropes.
- Will Angelica's tire fires or the Native Americans' tire fires win the day?
- How will Rajiv get Lakshmi to Greece for treatment without a working credit card?
- Can Jeremy get away from the beard-obsessed teachers? How strong will his beard powers become?
- Will Monopoly really be the Next Big Thing?
- What kind of deity can stop Princess Evaleene from making the Brothers flood Solomon's River and killing everyone? Are Big Momma's plans to bring Lake Superior to Solomon's River part of the god's larger plan?
- What will Dr. Scarlet do in retirement?
- Who is the new Chief Surgeon, Dr. Marbles, and is he as young, rich, and available as the nurses are hoping?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
