Rajiv is burned out from being robbed over and over at the 7-11. Princess Lakshmi gives him a bullet-proof vest and adult diapers so he can keep working...and she can enact her plan to catch the white guy posing as her father.
A nurse checks on drooling Steve, a younger long-term patient in a nursing home facility. She ponders on how he might be if only he weren't on so much medication in his IV-drip. As there is no discernible reason for the incapacitating meds, she experiments, and turns it down.
Doctor Scarlett gathers his nurses in the new clinic. Now the only thing they need is patients. He encourages them to rustle up some business. The nurses troll the sidewalks, harassing passerby, until one is maced. Another nurse pounces on the opportunity and takes the maced nurse as a patient. Despite actually needing care, the nurses are chastised for being idiotic.
McShane continues his endless search for Tommy and Sally, which ends when Tommy and Sally show up. They explain they now have an apartment for the mentally challenged, which requires sterilization. Tommy and Sally invite McShane to a party in his honor for finding them and they say it will be the biggest street party in Solomon's River, ever! They get money from him to help rent a bounce house.
- Can Rajiv keep working at the 7-11, and will his vest and diaper be enough to help?
- Will Princess Lakshmi manage to expose the Imposter Poppa?
- Who is this mysterious Steve, and why was he on so much medication?
- How come nobody needs emergency help in Solomon's River?
- "Ain't no party like a Tommy and Sally party!" What does that mean??
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Tripp and his friend Jeff are rummaging around his old bar The Dead Canary, hoping to find some salvage. To his surprise, his mother, Angelica, is alive and even has a job for them! Angelica give them a "fat wad" to buy explosives from some guy on C Street...in Lowertown (he is one of the only sad men left in the place run by women). They are to buy the explosives and set them up on the Reservation to help eliminate the opposition to Big Momma's plans for a Lake Superior trench.
Tripp and Jeff are having trouble remembering so many steps, but they manage to get to Lowertown and find a man, Bobby, who will point them to Donnie for $20. Bobby out-thinks them easily and takes a good chunk of their money. He also warns them to only look at Donnie's good eye, be patient with his speech impediment, and don't ask him about his porcelain collection. Two steps away is Donnie's where he shows them a sample explosion, and for $50 they can have their own. Jeff, unfortunately, lost his portion of the money, and Tripp gave all his to Bobby. Tripp asks if there can be an exchange of goods instead, and Donnie says he would trade for Ecstasy.
Judge Graft asks his Court Reporter if she can get a hold of Big Momma. He needs some...extra help...for the upcoming election, especially since he believes his opponent has been getting divine help from Gigi, the Jewish Diety, who is supporting the Native Americans. A quick text makes him an appointment, but to actually get the help, Judge Graft is going to owe Big Momma.
Later, at Big Momma's, there is a battle of the wills between Judge Graft and Big Momma herself. To get her price, she asks how many children the judge has, which turns out to be as many as 23 unacknowledged. She wants the first born in each month, which turns out to be just one (nine months earlier is Graft's busy time.) Graft promises to get him.
Meanwhile, at the 7-11, Rajiv has been robbed again and is reporting to Officer Maria. Princess Lakshmi enters and invites the officer to an upcoming lingerie and sex toy party--cheap because they're used! Officer Maria is having trouble getting good information from Rajiv, who has been repeatedly traumatized, so they watch the security footage. They see Rajiv wet himself and fork over the money. On his way out, the hoodie-wearing robber lights a cigarette with his "gun" as he leaves. After Officer Maria leaves and Rajiv goes to change his pants, Lakshmi watches the video again because the robber looks familiar--it is the white guy who has been pretending to be her father! She keeps it a secret and promises to catch the man herself.
- Will Tripp and Jeff be able to trade Ecstasy for explosives from a 12-year-old?
- Who is Judge Graft's unacknowledged first born, and what will Big Momma do with him?
- Will the Native Americans be able to stop the Lake Superior trench, or even survive with so many people set against them?
- Can Princess Lakshmi set up a sting operation and catch the Poppa impersonator robbing the 7-11 stores he says he owns?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv senses something wrong with Princess Lakshmi's father at the 7-11: he's white. Lakshmi goes with Rajiv to see for herself, and he is definitely NOT her father, but she plays along, asking about her mother, and catches the man lying as her mother is completely bald. Unfortunately for Rajiv, they still need money, so he must keep working there.
Tripp and his friend in their zombie-themed bar are a little sick of the zombies, who never seem to sleep, and they lament their only good worker "un-zombied". They unshackle the zombies and ditch.
Dr. Scarlett asks Nurse Steve to gather up any nurses he can find and join him in opening a private clinic, instead of staying at the desolate Solomon's River General Hospital. After they leave, promising to meet up in the old warehouse where the clinic will be, a male patient enters and dies on the floor from lack of care.
A matriarch has summoned her underachieving son, Reginald, back from university. His GPA is 1.2; however, his father's will has a stipulation that money for school will only be given if his GPA is over a 3.0! He's going to have to drop out, but it's even worse, because his mother has a secret: Reginald's father is not his actual father, and she doesn't know who his father is! She, like her son Reginald, was a partier in school, and she got pregnant. If anyone should find out, they both would be cut off from the inheritance. Reginald laments being cut off from his party lifestyle. They drink beer with Redbull together, and Reginald blackmails his mother to keep himself quiet.
Spirit Animal Raccoon appears to an unsuspecting Running Nose in the Dream Tent. He's looking for a "big fat Indian", the young man who didn't want to believe in the old ways, because he needs to help someone, anyone, complete a task before he's allowed back into the Spirit Realm. Two older Native Americans knock on the Dream Tent and Running Nose's reluctance to let them in reveals to them that he is finally coming of age...at 35...and must go on a Vision Quest to find out what kind of man he will be. Running Nose says he sees a raccoon and the Indians tell him it's good luck (while privately rolling their eyes at the wimpy Spirit Animal.) They chant encouragement and say he may be the one to save them from their troubles with Big Momma and Lake Superior. Spirit Animal Raccoon thinks that's reaching a little too high.
- Why is a white man pretending to be Lakshmi's father, and what has become of her real mother and father?
- How many times will Rajiv be held up in the 7-11?
- Will all the zombies Tripp released become "un-zombified", and what will Tripp and his friend do now?
- Will Dr. Scarlett be successful with a clinic in an old warehouse?
- Who was the mysterious man who died in Solomon's River General Hospital?
- Can Reginald keep a secret, and will anyone find out who his real father is?
- Can Running Nose save the Native Americans? What hope does Raccoon have of ever going back to the Spirit Realm?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
It's time for Solomon's River's most popular cable-access TV show, Cut-Blow, hosted by Taiwanese Exchange student Whitney Shears, where viewers get to watch real hair salon action. 12 year old Jeremy, who has the zombie-inoculation-induced uncuttable beard, is in the chair. They avoid the beard and trim his hair, color and gossip about Mrs. Tilapia and Judge Graft, who is nothing but bad news. The only gossip Jeremy has is that the Bailiff, a neighbor of his, touched him inappropriately. Some kids in the audience shout confessions that they, too, have been touched by the Bailiff. The hosts, not being mandatory reporters, move on to other gossip, including that the stylist heard there were zombie-reversal ice cubes for sale on Amazon. The audience cheers.
Rajiv has applied to every fast food joint in Solomon's River and Princess Lakshmi says it's time she asks her royal parents for a favor: get Rajiv a job. Princess Lakshmi Skypes and finds her Papa is now into franchising 7-11s and that she should send Rajiv over in the morning.
Bailiff's girlfriend has been pregnant for three days and Judge Graft thinks he is being taken advantage of. Mrs. Tilapia laments that the police department doesn't listen to her. The Court Reporter reports that Mrs. Tilapia is, however, trending online, though the denizens of Solomon's River don't know she's "a furriner" yet. Judge Graft orders Mrs. Tilapia to arrest two people every day, which he believes will boost her respect AND get him court business.
A former zombie appears in court with Jessica, the co-ed who was registering zombies to vote. The former zombie is upset because now he doesn't know if his registration is valid, now that his zombism has gone away. He says some guy gave him a water bottle, he drank, and just sort of woke up okay. Judge Graft declares him undead, which gets confusing: it is "undead" or "un-dead". Mrs. Tilapia's first arrest of the day is Jessica, for illegal voter registration. Her second arrest is the former zombie for eating brains.
- Will Jeremy's uncuttable beard become manageable now that others' superpowers have been wearing off?
- Will anyone investigate the Bailiff, and how old is his girlfriend, anyway?
- Why does a princess' father franchise 7-11s?
- What kind of job will Rajiv get from Princess Lakshmi's father?
- Will Mrs. Tilapia remain popular after she arrests two people every day?
- What will happen to Jessica, a co-ed in jail?
- Are zombies finally disappearing for good?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi, tied up by Tripp in Rajiv's Coffeehouse that Tripp turned into a zombie-themed bar, are finally free, and the Princess is finally back to her actual age. Instead of making another stand, Rajiv convinces the Princess that giving up is a better option.
Judge Graft brings in Mr. Tilapia, without his wife, for an off-the-record threat that he leave Solomon's River forever, or else. Detective Smegley enters to petition Judge Graft for more police officers, since the Mayor has banned hiring. To help, Judge Graft brings in Mrs. Tilapia and makes her Detective Smegley's boss: the Chief of Police!
Mrs. Tilapia engages the Court Reporter to make the online announcement, and the Court Reporter passes along some Solomon's River history--Chiefs of Police don't ever last very long. The Court Reporter also warns that now that Judge Graft has done two favors for Mrs. Tilapia, he may come to her in the future for favors, like hiding bodies or maybe...the other thing. Mrs. Tilapia claims she's good at both.
A zombie shuffles into a laboratory, completing an experiment. He drinks from a test tube and...he's suddenly verbal again. "Mommy!" he cries, running from the room.
Brother Offenshitz consults Brother Chiliwang for insights from having Princess Evaleen's god-power stone up his nose. Chiliwang sees that the Jewish Deity Gigi is strangely absent, but there is an ever greater power coming in the form of a great battle between Big Momma and the Native Americans. The Brothers discover the stone will not come out until Chiliwang fulfills his destiny, whatever that may be. Chiliwang must leave the mountain and consult the Native Americans to find out what they will do. Offenshitz packs Chilliwang's runch.
FBI agents Cribbins and Maxwell visit Judge Graft looking for Mr. Tilapia, and learn he was released and told to leave Solomon's River forever. Agent Maxwell reveals that Mr. Tilapia had been under witness protection. Agent Maxwell trains new Agent Cribbins to question judgment. Bailiff says he gave Mr. Tilapia a ticket to Shitheadville (shi-teed-ville) the next town over. When the agents exit, Judge Graft instructs Bailiff to make sure they leave town.
- What will Rajiv and the Princess Lakshmi do for work?
- Can Detective Smegley work with a boss like Mrs. Tilapia, and can Mrs. Tilapia survive as Chief of Police?
- Has a zombie found a cure for zombism? How will that affect Tripp's zombie-themed bar?
- What is Brother Chilliwang's destiny?
- Will Cribbins and Maxwell find Mr. Tilapia in Shitheadville, and why was he under witness protection?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi are upset at the altered state of his coffeehouse. Tripp, the guy who took over the shop while they were in Greece and turned it into a zombie-themed bar, finds them, ties them up, and tries to get them to behave like zombies. Tripp and his assistant are forced to leave by the arrival of a real zombie, whom Rajiv hires as a cleaning person to help restore his shop. Rajiv and the Princess enjoy being tied up for a while.
Meanwhile, Angelica updates Big Momma on the progress of Lake Superior towards Solomon's River. The Crew Foreman arrives to complain that "Injuns" are in the way. Big Momma recommends getting TNT and blowing them up. Crew Foreman and Big Momma have a clash of personalities and, unbeknownst to him, the Foreman is lucky to leave un-cursed.
McShane wanders the woods, still trying to find Tommy and Sally, who he simultaneously wishes would hold still AND go away forever. In a slightly different part of the woods, Tommy and Sally manage to find each other and remember they wanted to kill Dr. Scarlett for killing their baby (unbeknownst to them, there never was a baby since they have misunderstood how sex works.) They go to find a killing stick.
The Court Reporter previews the next case to Judge Graft: a divorce between the French Matron Tilapia and her new, young beau Trevor, married for only 3 months. Trevor wants her money but there is an air-tight prenup. Matron Tilapia recognizes Trevor as an idiot, and Trevor needs to leave to do his AP Calculus homework (he is in 12th grade plus 3). Judge Graft grants the divorce and moves to arrest the Matron Tilapia for possible pedophilia, when in walks the former Mr. Tilapia, who they all thought was dead! The court sucks wind in surprise. It turns out Mr. Tilapia is also an idiot. Judge Graft throws them all in jail.
- Will Tripp just meekly let somebody take over the bar that he took over?
- Is coexistence with zombies possible?
- What happens when an indigenous people is blown up?
- Will the Crew Foreman escape the wrath of Big Momma if he fails?
- Can McShane ever find Tommy and Sally, and does he really want to?
- Is Dr. Scarlett's life truly in danger?
- What will Judge Graft do to the Tilapias and Trevor?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Dr. Scarlett is assisted by Large Marge, a terrible nurse, to operate on Sara, the car accident victim. As anesthesia is inexpertly applied, Nurse arrives to speak with Dr. Scarlett. Nurse recognizes "Large Marge" as Margaret, her bestie from primary school, who nearly ruined her life. As they relive their animosity, a zombie enters and, unnoticed, munches on the patient. Nurse is even more angry with Dr. Scarlett for hiring her arch nemesis. They notice the patient is still...alive? Impossible! Half her brain was eaten by a zombie, but it seems Dr. Scarlett has worked a miracle without working at all. Nurse invites half-brained Sara to work for her.
Magnus Adversson, sadly old again, is back at Rajiv's Coffee House. Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi enter, also returned from Greece. Magnus wishes to have Rajijv's superpower spit to be young again, but the spit no longer works. They all notice the coffee shop looks different...it is now a coffee shop that caters to zombies! Princess Lakshmi and Magnus have a Golden Girls moment where they plan a party to toast their friendship. Rajiv doesn't completely understand.
Meanwhile, out on the street, a recent double amputee is knocked from her wheelchair by a callous woman. It turns out she is a fairy god person, along with her male friend, who only grant wishes to rich, beautiful people. The handicapped woman rolls away.
Judge Graft is in a rage. His court reporter summarizes: Native Americans have holed themselves up and are burning tires, a trench is being dug from Lake Superior to Solomon's River, Judge Graft is negatively trending online because people who voted for Chief of Police are upset the judge just replaced him. Former Chief of Police Lt. Bustybottoms bursts in, drunk, after a six month bender. The Graft-appointed new police chief is missing, and Bustybottoms' butt isn't looking so hot. Det. Schmegly, the last police officer on duty, arrives. The court reporter records the entire interaction as Graft orders Schmegly to put Bustybottoms in the drunk tank. Somewhere, across the interwebs, young women Tracy, Geraldine, and Bonette see the trending video and spread it around the internet. They all head to the police station to goggle in person.
- Will Nurse continue to be plagued by her primary school nemesis Large Marge?
- Will a half-brained, untrained, car accident victim prove to be a better nurse than the other replacements?
- Can Rajiv reclaim his coffee shop and how will the Golden Girls party go?
- What will the two fairy god people do for the rich and beautiful people of Solomon's River?
- Will Lt. Bustybottom dry out? Can he whip the police department back into order with only Det. Schmegly on duty? Can he monetize his sudden, unintended internet fame?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
