Burglar-in-training Bob will never get his certificate, with a minor in murder, if he doesn't kill Grandma Poppy. His coach gives him a loaded rifle with infrared scope and sends him to The Graveyard, where the old woman has been seen recently. This is his last chance: if Bob doesn't kill Granma Poppy, then he gets it.
Three high school girls, Cheeta, Teeta and Tequila (who love Their Gays,) go to boogie down at The Graveyard, which has a vibrant gay section. Totally gay Steve waits with his totally hetero friend, Frankie, who is uncomfortable. The girls arrive and compound his uncomfortableness by believing he has just come out. Frankie bitchslaps Steve in frustration before leaving. (Or did Bob shoot Steve from afar after Frankie left?) The girls want to exact vengeance on Frankie (or Bob?) for hurting one of Their Gays, and Cheeta (or Teeta?) wonders if the local janitor (Jervis) could be hired for that purpose. Tequila promises to send Jervis a message. They do Jell-O shots.
Since everyone else has disappeared, Detective Smegly bravely tries to run the police department alone, but he's not coping well. Finally, a qualified interviewee arrives for the secretary's job. The interviewee tries to encourage the town drunk, who is zip tied to a chair, to turn her life around. Detective Smegly is impressed, hires her on the spot and leaves to get coffee while his new secretary starts on the piles of paperwork. The drunk tries fruitlessly to wheedle her way free. Detective Smegly returns with coffee, though it's not right for the secretary and she sends him away for a latte. The drunk tries to encourage police brutality, but the new hire stands her ground won't be fooled.
The Merpeople King calls to his four daughters: it is time to wage war against the humans. Three daughters agree and begin to draw up a battle plan. One daughter doesn't want war and is shunned by her family. The peace-loving Mer-Princess swims away to talk to ol' Flounder, friend of Split-Tail (the Merman who had been sucked up into the water treatment plant.) The Mer-Princess warns of the war, and Flounder tells her of poor, dopy Split-Tail, also shunned. Flounder pushes the reluctant Mer-Princess to his Flounder lair.
- What will the British Secret Agents find in Beijing?
- Will Bob need to change majors?
- What kind of vengeance can Cheeta, Teeta and Tequila get Jervis to exact?
- Is Detective Smegly's headstrong new secretary going to work out?
- Who will win in the Merpeople's war against humankind?
- Will Flounder get the Mer-Princess to help him save Split-Tail?
