Episode 101

British secret agents not only have tenacity, they often have buckets of luck, this time found in a Chinese fortune cookie.  In it, the "Learn Chinese" contains the information they had been trying to pry from the formidable Magnus Adversson: the coordinates to his microchip factory in China.  Chinese restaurant proprietor Mrs. Chang must be more than she appears!

In an underwater zoo, the King of the Merpeople and his daughter feel they have been infested with bugs from the exhibit, one Frannie Mason.  The Princess thinks setting the human free would be best, and they pull the drain plug.  Frannie gets washed out.

Magnus Adversson answers a knock at his mansion's door: it's Princess Lakshmi, back from Las Vegas and needing a place to stay.  He asks after his Old Vegas casino, the Broken Shillelagh (named after a deviant sexual practice, Magnus informs her, as all casinos are,) but they are interrupted when Rajiv enters from another room.  Lakshmi is angry that Magnus would let Rajiv stay after Rajiv left her in the clutches of his evil twin, Rojav.  They argue, sparks flying, finally deciding to split Magnus' mansion down the middle with a white line... of Ku Klux Klan robes, of which Magnus has lots.

Mousy Librarian enjoys the peace and quiet of the new library despite her still-mending broken leg.  A man from the Library of Congress was sent to help set it up after the old one exploded.  She slyly requests funds to hire a janitor, but the man is extremely unhelpful.  On her way out, she bumps into an unattended briefcase, but is too absorbed in her ideas for finding Jervis to notice.

Jervis wakes in Solomon's River General Hospital wondering about H.A.L. and happy he's no longer the evil hologram's slave.  He lights up a doobie.  A "Security to Level Four" announcement sends him scurrying.

• What will the British agents find in a Chinese microchip factory?
• Will Frannie Mason survive being "flushed" by Merpeople?
• How will Lakshmi and Rajiv cope in Magnus' divided mansion?
• Will Mousy find a way back to Jervis?
• Will Jervis finish his doobie?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 100!

British secret agents have loads of tenacity, and the two trying to get information on a secret microchip factory in China from Magnus Adverson are still at work, luring him by kidnapping his granddaughter, Cilantro, and an unwilling Matlock impersonator.  All they need: Magnus himself.

Later, at Mrs. Chang's Chinese Restaurant, the British agents finally find Magnus, waiting for the Number 3 with extra rice.  The agents go "undercover" as New York City detectives and present Magnus with evidence of his granddaughter's kidnapping.  They have a very difficult time and Magnus escapes out the back.

Frannie Mason believes he is safe from the mermaids and once again fishing on Solomon's River's shore; in reality, Frannie is in a cleverly constructed zoo exhibit far underwater, in the Mermaid Kingdom.  A pair of mermaid princesses ogle their highly prized human and bask in their own perfection, until "Split-Tail", the deformed merman, arrives.  The mermaids mock and shun him.  Split-Tail leaves, shamed from the shunning, catches up with his buddy, Flounder.  While he is happy to have a friend, he is the only merman to hang out with a flounder, and he misses his own kind.

Above, at the water treatment plant, they are still having trouble keeping sea life out of the water supply.  Split-Tail is sucked into an intake and gets himself captured by humans.  He swims in sad circles.

Meanwhile, across town at the Adverson mansion, the fake Matlock and Cilantro are both tied up and the British secret agents simply hope Magnus comes home.  The bell rings and Mrs. Chang brings poisoned leftovers for Magnus.  The agents pass it off on their captives, not knowing it's poison.  Magnus arrives and "Jeeves" the butler (really the British secret agent) attempts confrontation but nobody understands anybody and the poisoned food is kicked away.

The antidote to the poison is in the fortune cookies, but nobody cares because nobody ate it.  "Jeeves" attempts to just ask about the location of the Chinese microchip factory, but it no longer matters because the other agent opened a fortunate cookie... a very fortunate fortune cookie!

• Will Frannie Mason become the most popular zoo exhibit?
• Will Split-Tail escape the water treatment plant?
• What kind of fortune actually provides helpful advice?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 99

This week we find the mysterious and slightly ineffectual British agents discussing their plans to audition Matlock impersonators in order to further their equally mysterious Magnus Adverson-related plans. They figure their best option would be to wander into town and check out the crowd at the local coffee house.

Across town at an unnamed Chinese restaurant, a newly-returned Cilantro finds what appears to be a "gill from a fish" in her tea. One of the owner comes over to help, trying to determine whether the gill is from tuna or not, then working to remove a newly-discovered, very long hair from the teapot. Once the owner discovers Cilantro is Magnus Adverson's granddaughter and therefore must be rich, she leaves to bring her the "personal stock tea." She later complains about the inadequate tip.

Meanwhile, in the Solomon's River water treatment plant, two employees are working diligently to unclog the intakes of all the mermaids.  Placing the mermaids into the chopper, the workers find they are having trouble flushing them down and decide it would be prudent to call in someone from the DEC, or the HIP, or HIV, or SPCA. They become concerned when issues of whether or not mermaids are protected come up, and are worried someone might actually be reading their reports. They leave to do the only logical thing and destroy the reports.

At the local coffee house, an elderly couple is discussing various old people things when Agent 69, after several attempts, manages to subdue the old man with a tranquillizer dart. He is wheeled away to become an unwilling Matlock impersonator.  Once back at the mansion, the agents decide this one will do well and tie him up. After some accent training, they begin the work of brainwashing him. It is at this point that Cilantro shows up, sees the faux Matlock, and the agents are forced to bean her on the head. Since the plan was to have Matlock kidnap one of Magnus' granddaughters, things are unfolding nicely. Placing her on his lap, they take pictures.

• Will the water treatment workers manage to destroy the reports before anyone sees them?
• Will the SPCA be concerned about the mermaids?
• Will Magnus be fooled by a coffee house Matlock?
• Will Cilantro have a nasty bump on her head?
• What kind of fish gill was it?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 98

Dr. Scarlett and Doris are still wandering around the back hallways of Solomon's River General Hospital.  Doris senses changes in the air--the feel of an electric current.  Dr. Scarlett is hungry.  Doris goes to a vending machine for a Whatchamacallit.  Nurse, under the mental control of H.A.L., enters to kill the doctor!  He thwarts her easily.  She begins to fight the influence of H.A.L., but is thrust back into "kill mode" and we leave them, her fingers closing around Dr. Scarlett's throat.

Sue, who left Grandma Poppy with a man she thought was a model talent agent but was really Burglary School student Bob, finds her friend Sally in their apartment and urges her to audition for the agent with her.  They gussy up and head back to where Sue last saw Bob.  Sally struts her stuff.  Sue tries her best.  Bob is distracted by his need to stab a naked, olive oil-doused Grandma Poppy under the light of the moon with his ceremonial knife, but the ladies persist.  Grandma Poppy, meanwhile, has escaped.

Doreen basks in the glory that is The Secret of the Hospital--it has given her amazing powers and some megalomaniacal tendencies.  Hearing those tendencies, H.A.L., the original megalomaniac, appears and they duel for control.  They sense they are fairly evenly matched, and more than a little twisted.  H.A.L. pauses their showdown to share an idea...

• Will Doris get back with a Whatchamacallit fast enough to save Dr. Scarlett?
• Where did Grandma Poppy get to, and will Bob find her in time to graduate without another extension?
• Will Sue and Sally become models, or just "Facebook models"?
• What's H.A.L.'s idea and will Doreen go along?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 97

In order to trap his evil twin, Rojav, Rajiv has dug a pit at the bottom of the stairs in Rojav's secret Vegas velvet Elvis museum basement lair.  Unfortunately, Princess Lakshmi herself falls into the pit!  She is plagued by Rajiv's ignorance with a rescue rope and frustration runs so high, she decides she'd rather remain in the hole.

Burglary Coach gives Bob the Student Burglar his final instructions to "get" Grandma Poppy that very night.  Strip her naked, douse her with virgin olive oil, rub her all over, and stab her with a sacred dagger under the full moon.

Grandma Poppy is addressing her remaining woman, Sue, who is not prime revolutionary material.  Grandma Poppy wants Sue to help her stop Lurleen, who learned the Secret of the Hospital and is reveling in her powers...somewhere, but before they get very far, Bob arrives.  Grandma Poppy demands Sue kill the man with fire, but Sue has trouble keeping a match lit.  Bob tries to trick Grandma Poppy into becoming a nude model, but only Sue falls for "The Man's narrative".  Fed up with Grandma Poppy's unwillingness to let her be a model, Sue leaves.  Bob tries to lube Grandma Poppy up with schnapps while Grandma Poppy searches for her gun...

Meanwhile, in Solomon's River General Hospital, Nurse, programmed by megalomaniacal hologram H.A.L., still looks to kill Dr. Scarlett.

The two British secret agents are miffed over Magnus Aversson's ability to slip out of their surveillance net.  They are still flummoxed over how to get the tracking microchip on, or in, him.  They decide to get at Magnus another way: kidnap someone he loves.  The agents decide to kidnap... Andy Griffith.  But he's dead.  They decide instead to get a Matlock impersonator.

A pair of Mormon missionaries, Josiah and Jedediah, are fed up with the residents of Solomon's River and Josiah is losing his faith.  Jedediah promises the next house looks so normal, the people inside must be terrific!  An old man answers the door and gets his wife to speak to them.  The woman, Mrs. Jack Kevorkian, actually invites them in.  The Mormons hear the distant voice of a man calling for help.  Mrs. Kevorkian tries to talk the Mormons into suicidal depression.

• What will Rojav and Rajiv do now that Princess Lakshmi is trapped in a hole?
• Will Grandma Poppy get oiled up by Bob, or will Bob get "greased" by Grandma Poppy?
• What's H.A.L. up to?
• Will the Matlock impersonator be enough to trick Magnus into revealing his secrets to British Intelligence?
• Will Josiah and Jedediah's magical underwear save them from the Kevorkians?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 96

Rojav has returned from shopping for unstable chemicals and Princess Lakshmi greets him in the Elvis Museum, before he can get down to his secret lair.  He is suspicious, but she manages to take the chemicals for him while he waits upstairs.  She brings the chemicals down to Rajiv, who must make a trap for his evil twin Rojav for when they return from a night out at the Bellagio.

Bob the Student Burglar returns to his mentor at the School of Burglary who gives him instructions.  If he completes this last task, he may be allowed to graduate!  Since Grandma Poppy has been riling up the ladies and making burglary difficult, Bob must find her during the full moon, strip her naked, douse her with extra virgin olive oil, rub his body against her and plunge a rather large Sacred Dagger "right between her boobs."

Meanwhile, somewhere else...

Magnus is wandering his castle after a long nap on the toilet ("Rip van Tinkle.")  Butler Benderson, the British secret agent, is still trying to penetrate Magnus' defenses and install a microchip allowing Magnus to be tracked.  Benderson's co-spy, via earpiece, has him tell Magnus that he's been hired by granddaughter Cilantro and will now make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  The agent makes the sandwich with the microchip in the peanut butter, but takes too long and Magnus isn't hungry for it anymore.  Benderson fishes out the chip and Magnus sees it, recognizing the Chinese make.  Magnus casually mentions he used to run three big factories that made microchips: one in China, one in Arizona and one more in the US, but it was secret.  The secret factory is the one the agents want to know about, so Benderson attempts to find out more.  The Agent must abort the attempt at close questioning when it gives Magnus a Viagra-supported erection.

• Will Rajiv set up a trap for his evil twin Rojav, and will it work?
• Will Bob be able to fulfill the most difficult instructions yet, when he was unable to fulfill the simple ones?
• Will the British Secret Agents find out what they need to know from Magnus?
• What is the secret of the secret microchip factory?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 95

Grandma Poppy has abandoned her drained motorized mobility device and is now dragging her ruined body through Solomon's River, looking for the other women of Lowertown.  Doreen, once her go-to girl, appears, bragging about the power of The Secret to Grandma Poppy.  The spirits under the hospital have infused her with the gift of healing and goodness, but she has decided for evil.  Grandma Poppy implores Doreen to use the power to help women just before Doreen leaves, eyes glinting.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the hospital, Doris and Dr. Scarlett are tied back to back, having escaped the slow-witted hologram guard, created by genius hologram H.A.L.  Doris hoists Dr. Scarlett onto her back and they crawl into some sort of access tube, hoping to escape to the cafeteria.

Frannie Mason has finally made it back to his fishin' spot.  Unfortunately, Mermaids have long memories, and the one Frannie caught, along with her merman, manage to pull Frannie underwater and drag him away...

In another part of the hospital, Nurse follows the footprints of Dr. Scarlett and Doris into the access tube while still struggling to remember H.A.L.'s exact instructions.  H.A.L. waits.

McShane has a clandestine meeting with Detective Schmegly and they have a fascinating conversation.  They both reveal they know about The Secret, but must keep quiet, being Secret agents.

• What will Doreen do with unlimited power for evil?
• What will Grandma Poppy do now that her revolution has gotten away from her?
• Will Doris and Dr. Scarlett find the cafeteria before Nurse finds them?
• How will Frannie Mason fare in the Mermaid Kingdom?
• What are McShane and Detective Schmegly up to?  Is it a coincidence that they sound so much alike, or does it mean something...

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 94

Rajiv has made it to Vegas, to the Velvet Elvis Museum, and into the basement/evil lair where he finds a poorly devised laboratory and no sign of Princess Lakshmi, yet...

McShane has (mostly) escaped the haunting voices of Solomon River General Hospital's sub-basements and returns to his life before being stabbed with a broken bottle during a mentally deficient couple's fight: McShane's Bar.  Though he sees it has been converted back into Rajiv's Coffee House, he still crawls in through a window and considers stealing old rhubarb pie.  The lingering voices drive him away.

Grandma Poppy's battery-drained chair is in danger of being clipped by a vehicle.  She wonders where her women are, particularly Doreen.  Grandma Poppy's anger against men is fueled by unwanted, and quite smug, Boy Scout assistance.

At the police station, Detective Smegly promises to help a woman complaining about Lowertown, despite the fact all other officers disappeared while investigating.  He writes a note that inexplicably reads, "Must stop Grandma Poppy before she finds the Secret."

Princess Lakshmi bustles into the evil lair's laboratory, having been tidying up, and runs into who she believes is Rojav.  By his lack of gifts, missing promise ring, bulging eyes, different outfit, and stink of coffee, she slowly realizes that this is not evil twin Rojav but rather original fiancée... Rajiv!

• What will McShane do now that his business is gone and the voices are not?
• Where are the women of Lowertown?  Where is Doreen?  What will Grandma Poppy do without an electrical outlet?
• How in the world does Detective Smegly know about "the Secret"?
• What will Rajiv do now that he's found Princess Lakshmi willingly in the clutches of his twin?
• What will Rojav do if he finds Rajiv in his evil lair?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River

Episode 93

The phone rings in Rajiv's Coffee Shop, and Rajiv hears a voice he thought was long gone: his twin brother Rojav, believed dead in Bombay.  Rojav called from Las Vegas to taunt Rajiv that he will never have Princess Lakshmi again!  Rajiv grabs his bags and heads to 3494 Las Vegas Strip, Velvet Elvis Classic Museum, Basement, Evil Lair.

Grandma Poppy's Hoveround hadn't been charged, so the only lackey available had to push it uphill.  Unfortunately, the lackey was too weak, and the chair rolled back over her, leaving Grandma Poppy alone in Solomon's River proper.  Suddenly, Grandma Poppy realizes her predicament: she has no other women with her, she's a wanted terrorist, and she's strapped to an uncharged personal mobility vehicle behind enemy lines.

H.A.L. tests his new powers over Nurse and finds she follows directions quite literally and seems limited in the number of steps any task may take.  His instructions: find Dr. Scarlett, bring him to H.A.L. so H.A.L. may kill him, but don't tell him about the killing part.

Released from all local and Federal authorities, Frannie Mason isn't giving up on fishing.  He quickly gets a catch: an angry merman whose girlfriend almost died when Frannie caught her.  Not wanting to be berated by a fish, Frannie throws him back.

Doris awakes, tied back to back with Dr. Scarlett who is finally realizing the damage a "mere hologram" can do.  A "jail cell guardian" arrives, and it becomes clear that H.A.L. has been attempting to create holographic life!  So far, it's rudimentary and the graphics are poor, but it brings them a tray of German food.  They eat and plot.

The voices taunt McShane, still wandering the maze under the hospital, about missing out on The Secret--it has already been taken!  McShane is having none of it anymore.  Discovering a ladder, he climbs to a window and leaves.

Doreen regrets losing her sister Lurleen, but basks in the new-found power of... The Secret!

• Can Rajiv rescue Princess Lakshmi from his evil twin?
• What will happen to the stranded Grandma Poppy, especially now that The Secret has been found by one of her followers?
• How does an underground cavern get a window, and what will McShane do, now that he's no longer hounded by spirit voices?
• Will Nurse follow H.A.L.'s directions?  Can Doris and Dr. Scarlett overcome their poorly programed jail cell guardian?
• Is Frannie Mason in trouble with the Merpeople?  Will avoiding water solve his problem?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 92

The pace of Lowertown women's attack on men isn't going as fast as Grandma Poppy would like.  She really wants the hospital taken because she was a former worker at the Bic pen factory (that burned to the ground upon which the Solomon River's General Hospital now stands.)  Whatever is there, Grandma Poppy wants to capture so the women can control Solomon's River.  Unfortunately, Lurleen and Doreen already went to the hospital without knowing the secret backstory, and may be in danger.  Grandma Poppy calls for her Hover Round.

H.A.L. is now ensconced on his holographic throne, again in full control of the hospital.  Nurse returns, not knowing the hologram is not Dr. Scarlett.  While suspicious, Nurse is not nearly suspicious enough, and she does as she is bid, grabbing a computer chip and following H.A.L. into the procedure room...

Two Scottish brothers, one named Angus, have been lead to Solomon's River by their father's treasure map.  The treasure is "near the hospital".  They don't bother to think that there may be more than one hospital and they start randomly digging.  About two inches down, Not-Angus pulls out a locked box.  Wanting to shoot it open, he realizes they must go shop for bullets.  The brothers leave the grounds of Solomon's River Beth Israel Hospital with the box.

Frannie Mason is fishing and pining for his dead brother.  He has a flashback to better times back in the mines.  The Mason Brothers, in memory, are disposing of a body for Carla Calvera by chopping it into pieces.  Suddenly, Frannie's line jumps, and he is brought back to reality with the catch of a lifetime: a mermaid!  Unfortunately, mermaids are more fish than women, and this one doesn't speak English, nor can she breathe out of the water.  A man from the Environmental Protection Agency warns Frannie that mermaid fishing is illegal.  Fish and Wildlife Service representative asks to see Frannie's mermaid fishing permit.  An FBI agent claims jurisdiction.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Mermaids protests, demanding she be rolled back into the water.  Everyone draws their guns, and the mermaid flaps her gills.

• What is this thing of power somewhere in Solomon's River General Hospital?
• Will Nurse become the new Doris?
• What has happened to Doris, or to Dr. Scarlett, for that matter?
• What were the Scottish brothers looking for, what did they find, and is it the same thing?
• What will happen to Frannie Mason, now that he's in trouble with the EPA, the FWS, the FBI and PETM?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 91

The new cement floor of Rajiv's Coffee House has just been smoothed in place by Rajiv, who is now stuck behind the counter, which is better off than Magnus, Rajiv's wife and child who were in the basement.  The stray cat plaguing Rajiv plagues his floor with kitty pawprints.  Worse, a customer enters.  Rajiv tries to get her to smooth all the prints out of the floor.  She tries her best, and asks for a foam-topped caramel latte.  She gets a black coffee with a Werther's Original dropped in the bottom.  Just as she's about to leave, to Rajiv's amazement, Magnus enters!  Magnus, Rajiv wife and child had already left the basement through an unused walk-out.  Luckily, Rajiv's wife is extraordinarily strong.  Magnus says she went to the police while he was drawn back to the shop by words no one over 80 can resist: Werther's Originals.  Magnus fishes it out of the customer's drink and the floor is further ruined by tramping about.

Detective Smegly, on the phone with the Commissioner, blames poor police work on Mayor Solomon's budget cuts and suggests Lieutenant Bustybottoms might help.  Officer Jared brings Big Gulps with Pop Rocks for Smegly and suddenly remembers a phone message for him.  The call came from the mayor himself and was poorly remembered as, "Help, help!  I have to read a prepared statement... blah blah blah... 'We will take over Solomon's River.  We are The Armageddon Squad...'" and more "Help, help!"  Unfortunately, Detective Smegly was lost at, "Help, help!" and Officer Jared leaves to make sun tea.  Lieutenant Bustybottoms is peeved because Detective Smegly tried to "pass the buck" by having the Commissioner call him instead.  The Lieutenant asks if there's any new information about the Mayor's kidnapping, and, unfortunately, the Big Gulp/Pop Rocks combination has caused the Detective to forget the phone message.  Detective Smegly promises to read the newspaper to find out the latest.

Princess Lakshmi has struck paydirt: she has scootched into Rojav's lair!  Rojav unties her and proposes to retie her, if she liked...

• What will Rajiv do now that his wife, presumed dead and presumed not with child, has escaped his basement and has possibly gone to the police?
• What will the police do, hounded by the Commissioner, budget cuts, and forgetful staff?
• Where is Mayor Solomon?  (And isn't Mayor Joe-Bob Solomon dead and secretly being impersonated by his twin Bob-Joe?  There was a virgin-killing cult and much shenanigans back the 20-something episodes.)
• Who is "The Armageddon Squad" and what do they want?
• Will Princess Lakshmi truly find love with Rajiv's evil twin?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 90

After searching dozens of velvet Elvis museums for Rojav, Princess Lakshmi finds herself at "The Original, the One and Only Velvet Elvis Museum, Las Vegas".  The threat of police intervention inspires the proprietor to allow the princess to scootch down one more set of basement stairs.

McShane's spirit guides are sick and tired of trying to lead him around.  He finds a door.  And a bloody knife.  And a burned box of matches.  And an old receipt for gasoline.  He also finds he is sick and tired of hearing the spirits' voices.  The spirits try to get McShane to find a corner in a round room.  Playing the hot/cold game only leads to disaster when the spirits of those who died in a gruesome Bic Pen factory fire in the early 1800s get to, "You're burning up!"

Rajiv orders concrete via phone (because the internet is down all over town) to make a new floor for his coffee shop (and, therefore, cement Magnus, Rajiv's wife and child into the basement.)  The mailman arrives to deliver an insurance letter and is disappointed to not be able to get Dr Pibb (because of the "problem" with Rajiv's basement storage.)

Meanwhile in Lowertown, the now named Doreen calls to her sister, Lurleen, and enlists her to help get into Solomon's River General Hospital.  While they're away, they want their father to be safe in the women-ruled Lowertown, so they devise a plan to throw his favorite thing, Swiss cheese, into a closet, and lock him in while they're gone.  He falls for it and is left, wearing a dress, locked in a closet, nibbling on cheese.

In Solomon's River General Hospital proper, Dr. Scarlett works on the panel that controlled H.A.L., but Doris is worried that she hasn't heard from H.A.L. in some time.  Dr. Scarlett tries to get her to take off her tin foil helmet and convince her that he has purged H.A.L. from the system.  Doris becomes suspicious, and pokes the doctor... her hand passes through him!  It is H.A.L.!

• Has Princess Lakshmi finally found the right Velvet Elvis Museum?
• Has McShane actually found clues to the Bic Pen factory fire, or are these different clues?
• Will Rajiv really cement three living people into his basement?
• Will Doreen and Lurleen succeed at the hospital, and will their father stay put?
• Is Dr. Scarlett helping Doris, or H.A.L.?  How many times can Doris be fooled by a hologram?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 89

Princess Lakshmi has hopped her way back to The Velvet Elvis Museum in search of her kidnapper, Rojav.  The proprietor knows nothing of a secret lair, but shows her the basement stairs anyway and leaves the still-roped princess to scootch down.

Grandma Poppy reiterates her need for taking over the rest of the town.  She tells a Lowertown tough-girl and her friend Petrina that the hospital's basement "holds the key Solomon's River."  Grandma Poppy flashes back to her childhood when her father, who worked at the hospital, introduced her to smoking.  The girls are instructed to bring back opiates, but not before they search the hospital basement.

Doris the secretary, her neural net still plagued by H.A.L., pleads with Dr. Scarlett to help her remove the evil hologram.  Dr. Scarlett is skeptical of H.A.L.'s abilities until H.A.L. himself appears and confronts the doctor!  H.A.L. demands Dr. Scarlett's help to get a body (so he may do the things he cannot do as a hologram.)  H.A.L. disappears and Doris returns, enlisting Dr. Scarlett's help to get rid of H.A.L.

Meanwhile, far below the hospital, McShane has yet to find any secret or avenge any death.  He has wandered so deeply into the sub-basement, it is now more cavern-like than basementy.

Detective Schmiggly mans the police department alone.  The Commissioner forces the detective to abandon the station for a meeting.

A distraught couple searches desperately for their steroid-riddled breeding ferret, Luke.  Hugely disproportioned, Luke appears and gobbles up his steroid treat.

• Will Princess Lakshmi find Rojav in The Velvet Elvis Museum basement?  Is it even the right museum?
• What will the Lowertown girls find in the basement of the hospital?  Will they have better luck than the still-wandering McShane?
• Can Dr. Scarlett help Doris?  Will Dr. Scarlett help H.A.L.?
• What does the Commissioner want with Detective Schmiggly?
• Don't ferrets experience the same testicular shrinkage that humans do when exposed to that much steroids?  How will Luke breed?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 88

Rajiv is hovering over his new floor hole when Magnus enters, seeking confirmation that he does not, indeed, have a butler.  Distracted momentarily by Mr. Bonkers, a pestering cat, Rajiv confirms the absence of a butler.  Magnus finally falls into the hole, apparently drawing the attention of another basement dweller: Mrs. Rajiv and baby!  Magnus accidentally mentions Rajiv's princess girlfriend, upsetting the wife.  Rajiv covers the hole and sneaks away.  Meanwhile, somewhere in a Las Vegas phone booth, Princess Lakshmi calls to give Rajiv one more "one last chance".  Magnus accidentally mentions Rajiv's wife, upsetting the girlfriend.  Princess Lakshmi promises death for Rajiv.

McShane wanders the Solomon's River General Hospital's haunted basement corridors, finding an old door with a gender-biased sign: "He Who Opens This Door Shall Find the Secret."  Voices urge McShane to both open and not open the door.  McShane opens the door and the voices beg him to enter... the door slams shut behind him.

The British spies have received new instructions and a 3-D printed watch that will monitor Magnus' activities.  Benderson the Butler (a.k.a. Agent 60210) is to give the watch (printed by Agent 4) as a gift.  Benderson searches for Magnus who seems to have slipped from the castle without their notice.

In a church basement in Lowertown, Bob the Student Burglar, who still suffers a leg wound, is tied to a chair.  A girl of Lowertown, feeling bad for the man, brings him a Happy Meal.  Bob is ungrateful, and she takes it back, her hatred of men supported, rather than dashed, by the confrontation.  She leaves him to bleed to death.  Sneaking in after the girl's departure is Jere Koff, former mayoral candidate, now Lowertown's secret Mayor of Men.  The men scuttle into the hidden depths.

• How will Magnus get out of Rajiv's basement?  Especially if Rajiv wants his wife to remain trapped...
• Will Princess Lakshmi actually find a way to return and kill Rajiv for his lies?
• How did Mrs. Rajiv and baby even manage to stay hidden through all of Rajiv's Coffee House's changes?
• What will McShane find beyond the door?
• Can the British agents get the tracking watch to Magnus?  How is Benderson at polishing silver?
• What plans does the secret men's group have, hidden away under the women-ruled Lowertown?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 87

Rajiv is still stuck in his basement when Doris enters, looking for caffeine to dull the mental strain of H.A.L., still trailed by the drunken former MMA fighter.  The ex-MMA insists she drink his high-proof bottled urine.  H.A.L. works his mental force, but Doris still chugs a little urine anyway and it starts to dull her senses.  Despite logic, the ex-MMA fighter punches a hole through the cement floor and pulls out Rajiv.  Doris pays the ex-MMA fighter another quarter to leave her alone, and she leaves the shop.  Although H.A.L.'s voice is muted slightly by the alcohol, Doris she finds herself outside the hospital face to face with... H.A.L.?!?  Doris is horrified that H.A.L. has become flesh, but, in reality, she has found Dr. Scarlett, the model for H.A.L.'s program.  Dr. Scarlett gives Doris a Tic-Tac and brings her inside.

McShane hears muted trumpets and contradictory voices telling him what to do.  "Go deeper!" and "Find the secret!" and "Avenge my death!" are among the most coherent.

The girls in Lowertown bring Grandma Poppy a caught man: Bob the Burglary Student.  The girl who caught him was remorseful and couldn't kill him, but she is forced to leave him in Grandma Poppy's clutches.  Grandma Poppy wastes no time and shoots Bob in the leg.  She gathers the women and instructs them to take the rest of Solomon's River, starting with the hospital because the men there will be sick and easier to kill.  Plus, Grandma Poppy can get her drugs.  They're going to be free!

A man goes back to the cemetery to find his mother's grave not only desecrated, but decimated, and maybe even desiccated.  The dynamic host of "The Graveyard" pops in and tries to get the man to party down on his own mother's grave with Sally and Tommy.  The man doesn't seem enthused.

The British Secret Service tries again to get Magnus Aversson with butler Benderson and a cup of honeyed tea.  The female agent feeds information to "Benderson", but Magnus remains so skeptical, despite the Alzheimer's, that they abort the teatime.

• Will Rajiv's insurance keep covering the damage to his coffee shop?
• Can Dr. Scarlett help Doris at the hospital, or has she fallen right into H.A.L.'s clutches?
• Will McShane speak to the dead to find out their secrets?
• Will Bob the Burglary Student survive Grandma Poppy's sadistic clutches?
• Can the women of Lowertown take over Solomon's River proper?
• Why is everyone going to the hospital?
• Why does the British Secret Service want Magnus, and can they even get him?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 86

While in the basement picking up a load of Mr Pibb, the phone rings and Rajiv cannot open the trapdoor.  He is too late to answer when he finally remembers there is a basement extension, and the caller has hung up--it had been Princess Lakshmi, giving Rajiv one last chance as she hops from phone booth to phone booth on the Vegas Strip.  Unfortunately, the line doesn't call out and Rajiv is still stuck.

Somewhere in the basement of Solomon's River General Hospital, McShane finds a flashlight.  The voices of the dead speak to him from the darkness beyond the feeble beam of light, calling him to, "Go deeeeeper!" and "Learn the seeeeecrets!"

Outside the hospital, a drunk beggar receives a dime and a gob of spit before Doris, the police department secretary whose neural net is in a tug of war with H.A.L., struggles not to enter.  For a quarter, Doris enlists the drunk's help to keep her out.  The drunk is an ex-MMA fighter and beats her up a little to do as she bid.

Detective Schmedly is the only one left at the police department, the rest gone mysteriously or bullied out of their jobs by the tough women in Lowertown, speaking of whom...

Two loving Lowertown daughters have a secret: their father remains in the "Women Only" part of Solomon's River.   The younger daughter, Luanne, gives him a polka dot dress she picked out herself and they beg him to live his public life as a woman or else the other women in town will kill him...or cut of his jimmies!  He puts on the dress.

Meanwhile, the Burglary Coach gives Bob the Student his orders: get down to Lowertown and "show 'dem girls what for."

The tracheotomized Grandma Poppy holds a meeting of women and promises that men, whom she blames for her cancer, will be punished!  She knows a man is coming to "show 'dem what for" and she wants them to be ready.  Grandma Poppy gives her orders to the girls who have just hidden their father in plain view: kill any man on sight.

It just so happens that their father is the first "woman" Bob the Student Burglar encounters, and the girls remind their "mom" that all men invading Lowertown must be killed.  The girls force their father to use his "mom muscles" and the episode ends with Bob in a beefy, polka-dotted neck choke.

• How will Rajiv get out of his own basement?
• What "secrets" will McShane learn somewhere in a different basement?
• Can Doris fight H.A.L., or will she be drawn into the hospital anyway?
• Can any man survive in Lowertown?  Will Bob?  Will the man in the dress?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 85

The phone rings in Rajiv's Coffee Shop, and Rajiv cannot place the voice.  Princess Lakshmi, in a Vegas phone booth, takes this as a sign of her suspicions confirmed: Rajiv left her on purpose!  She vows not to return to Solomon's River and hops away to get back into Rojav's clutches.

Detective Schmegly is busy down at the station fielding phone calls for secretary Doris and ranking Lieutenant Bustybottoms' butt.  Doris hurries in to collect some weaponry for her trip to California in search of a CalTech engineer named Johnson.  Unfortunately, H.A.L. is only slowed, not stopped, by her tin foil helmet, and he inflicts pain, a tin foil allergy, and directives to steer her from her task.  The lieutenant wants to take her to the hospital, but because H.A.L. agrees, Doris fights him.  Lieutenant Bustybottoms helps keep the tin foil on her head, and they leave...

Magnus Aversson is feeling lonely in his castle without any East Indians or ladies on bomb toilets to entertain him.  Magnus' butler Benderson delivers him some tea, shocking him mightily: Magnus swears he has never had a butler for 40 years!  Benderson persists, reminding Magnus that he suffers from Alzheimer's Disease, and trying to foist chamomile tea on him.  Magnus calls shenanigans, and Benderson buttles back to a secret room, probably off the kitchen, where he reconvenes with... a fellow British spy!  She is miffed that the butler ploy didn't work and sends Benderson back to MI to report.  She will try another method because they must "get" Magnus Aversson!

The maze-like Solomon's River General Hospital still has McShane trapped.  He wanders into the sub-basement, and finds a creepy midget.  The midget tells him that the hospital was built on the charred ruins of a factory that used child labor to make Bic pens.  The old, tragic fumes have caused some "sensitives" who come to the hospital to see and hear things.  The midget says that McShane must be "special", though McShane is unsure.  "Go deeper," says the midget, handing him two pills: one red, one blue.  McShane goes deeper into the bowels of the hospital.

"The Graveyard" is the hottest new party spot in Solomon's River: "So awesome, it's sinful!"  Sally and Tommy have found the open bar and dance poorly on the graves, happy to have a new place to boogie down and get drunk.

• Will Rajiv realize it was Princess Lakshmi who called, asking for his help?
• Will the princess really return to her kidnapper, Rajiv's evil twin Rojav?
• Can Doris fight H.A.L. enough to get to California, or will she be dragged to the hospital instead?
• Will the British Secret Service be able to use Magnus' Alzheimer's against him, and to what end?
• What will McShane find in the bowels of Solomon's River General Hospital?  Which pill will he take, and what will it do?
• Anybody else going to party down with Sally and Tommy at The Graveyard?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 84

Rajiv is feeling at home in his Coffee Shop, though it is roofless.  Magnus Aversson picks up a piece of rhubarb pie that managed to make it through the plane crash and a stint as a pub.  On her way to work, Doris, the police department secretary, stops to pick up coffee from Rajiv for the detectives and officers.  Rajiv and Magnus notice that Doris keeps repeating herself, though she doesn't seem to notice.  Doris keeps repeating herself, though she doesn't seem to notice.  She becomes upset when she blacks out for a moment, and she hurries home, wondering what's wrong.

A man prays over his dead mother's grave, letting her know that times are hard without her.  Another man prays over a guy named Hank's grave, asking for spiritual insight into the location of the garage door keys.  Yet another man is waiting for the 4:30 flash mob to begin.  The original man puts flowers on his mother's grave.  A ghostly woman passes through all of them.

Doris makes it home only to find H.A.L., whom she thought she had sealed up in Lieutenant Bustybottom's old Atari laptop, lounging in a chair.  Doris learns through creative grilling of the megalomaniacal computer hologram that there is someone who could seal up H.A.L.: an engineer from CalTech named Johnson.  H.A.L. still has control over Doris' neural net and inflicts her with pain and a bad tin foil allergy.  She fights through--anything to stop H.A.L.!

McShane is still trying to get out of Solomon's River General Hospital while avoiding Joey the Bookie.  McShane encounters dead ends and closets with people lurking in them, but not an exit.

• Will Rajiv's Coffee Shop make a comeback, or will the rain dampen spirits?
• The graveyard is a popular spot.
• Can Doris find the one man who is able to stop H.A.L., or will H.A.L. prevail?
• Can McShane make it out of the maze-like hospital?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 83

The smell of coffee and sweat permeate the church basement where Joseph takes to the podium, attesting that he is an alcoholic.  Joseph desperately wishes to stop drinking, but, unfortunately, he met Sally and Tommy in the parking lot and it's now only been four minutes since his last drink.  Tommy and Sally both attest, and Sally announces that she wants to break up with Tommy so Joseph will have her.  Tommy is upset.

Rojav brings another plate of chicken makhani to the kidnapped Princess Lakshmi, but she is gone!  Rojav follows the scuffle marks and vows to get her back.

Rajiv, meanwhile, has left Vegas and returned to Solomon's River.  He discovers the former home of Rajiv's Coffee Shop has been blown to bits yet again, though the soot-covered counter still stands.  Rajiv pines for his lost Princess, thinking she left him in Vegas to go back to India.

McShane is sick and tired of the hospital and the plague of mentally challenged that follows him.  Joey the Bookie comes to check on his high-odds horse and finds McShane getting ready to leave!  Joey takes a call for another bet on McShane never leaving the hospital and realizes McShane has left behind his back.  Joey goes to find his horse.

Dr. Scarlett and Nurse are back in his offices at Solomon's River General Hospital, and they realize something is awry.  The security system has been tripped and a test of H.A.L. reveals the emergency hologram is not working.  Dr. Scarlett and Nurse will investigate.

Bob the so-far-failed Burglary School student gets a lead pipe from his Coach with instructions to "give them girls what-for" and return with proof that he did so.  Bob can barely lift the pipe, though he dutifully goes to Lowertown.  Bob is, so far, alone.

• With Sally and Tommy in AA, will anyone in Solomon's River stay on the wagon?
• Will Rojav be able to track the escaped princess?
• Will Princess Lakshmi make it back to Solomon's River?
• Is Rajiv actually thinking of rebuilding the coffee shop?
• With lots of money riding on McShane's death, will he survive?
• H.A.L. has been trapped, but for how long, now that Dr. Scarlett and Nurse are looking for him?
• Where have all the girls gone?  Wild?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 82

The women have taken over Lowertown and they mean to defend their territory.  Two girls with sharpened sticks drive off a man.

Rojav feeds Princess Lakshmi as he waits for a Justice of the Peace to marry her against her will.  The princess spits the food back at him, despite it being very good.  Princess Lakshmi is weighing her options: 1) stay with Rojav, who looks like Rajiv but cooks better, 2) wait for Rajiv to save her, or 3) try to escape.  She attempts escape by hopping away.

Mousy Librarian, having been accidentally defrosted from H.A.L.'s cryogenic chamber, went to the Solomon's River caves, hoping Jervis the former janitor would go to his old haunt (the library being blown up) and find her.  She carves a note in the wall: "Jervis, I wuz here."  An arrow points in the direction she wandered.

Jervis, meanwhile, is in the cave system, somewhere behind Mousy.  Jervis is not alone.  Suspicious Guy is still lurking in the caves, setting up explosives.  Jervis find the note and hears distant calling.  Suspicious Guy blows up his bomb...

Magnus Aversson's attempt at defusing a seemingly unrelated bomb on his toilet has failed due to an out of date memory and a book of bomb jokes.  The Roto-Rooter man returns as the bomb ticks down to three minutes...  The woman on the toilet is, understandably, getting desperate.  Magnus and the Roto-Rooter guy discuss the differences between Lethal Weapon I and II.  Finally, they figure Indiana Jones' Raiders of the Lost Ark would be a better role model for their attempts and decide to replace her weight on the pressure switch.  Magnus offers himself selflessly, but they quickly decide that the Roto-Rooter guy's toolbox would not only be closer to her weight, but also safer.  None of them, not even the bomb, remember that the timer would have blown up the bomb despite a weight swap because they're all too happy it worked.  They all ignore the man at the door.

• What will happen in an all-female Lowertown?
• Will Princess Lakshmi's escape attempt work?  Where is Rajiv, anyway?
• Has Jervis escaped injury?  Will he find Mousy Librarian?  Are the exits all blown up yet?
• Who planted the bomb on Magnus' toilet?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 81

Dr. Scarlett and Nurse find themselves the sole survivors of a plane crash while returning to Solomon's River.  Dr. Turquoise's luggage has survived, though Nurse's clothing has not.  Looking about the rubble of what had once been a building, they notice a well-polished counter top remains standing.  They go to the hospital to reconnoiter.

Tony the Bookie is harassing Joey on the phone about rigging hospital death bets and makes Joey promise to stop whacking patients.  Tony counts his money.

Magnus Aversson's poetry may no longer work to woo the formerly flattered Eustace:
Dear Eustace,
The folds of your vagina
Remind me of South Carolina: disgusting.
The end.

Dear Eustace,
Your name sound likes justice
There is a knock at the door...

Magnus' poetic musings are interrupted by a knock at the door.  The Roto-Rooter Man has arrived and has an extended and convoluted conversation with Magnus.  The Roto-Rooter Man insists that he was called from this address.  Menawhile, in Magnus Aversson's bathroom, there is a panicked woman on the toilet.  The toilet has a timer, a pressure-release seat, and an endorsement from Danny Glover.  She confirms her call for a plumber with Roto-Rooter and waits...

Magnus drives the Roto-Rooter man away, and tends to the toilet himself, finding the woman and the toilet bomb.  The woman reveals she has been breaking into Magnus' for years without notice, just to use his fancy toilet.  There are 10 minutes left on the timer...

• How will hospital staff react to the return of Dr. Scarlett and Nurse?  Will patients fare any better?
• What's up with Tony and Joey?  Who owes who money and why?
• Will Eustace still be impressed by Magnus' anonymous poetry?
• How does somebody break into a house and use a toilet every day for years without notice?
• Will the woman on the toilet be blown to pantsless bits by a bomb clearly intended for Magnus?  Will Magnus be blown up with her?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 80

Tony the Bookie is trying to collect Superbowl bets by phone.  One of Tony's lackeys introduces his boss to a new line of betting: who will die first at Solomon's River General Hospital's ICU?  Tony worries about another of his men, Joey, "going rogue" and actually conspiring to rig deaths at the hospital.  Tony leaves to investigate who has been compromising the health of a new patient, a bar owner who had been stabbed by a broken bottle.

McShane is feeling better, though irritated by the Sabres.  Tommy and Sally come to make him feel better and ask forgiveness (one of the twelve steps in their court-ordered recovery program.)  They accidentally fold him into a Craftmatic hospital bed sandwich.

Reporter Shirley Shirley is on the scene in Lowertown investigating a rash of assaults.  He interviews Geneva, representative of Lowertown, who announces that Lowertown is now for women only.  The women realized that all their problems stemmed from men, so they kicked them out.  Any man who enters will be assaulted--like the police officer, like the student burglar, and like reporter Shirley Shirley himself, who gets punched in the nuts off-camera.

Dr. Scarlett and Nurse are finally on a plane from Chicago heading back to Solomon's River.  Suddenly, a fuel leak!  The leak worsens with a whooshing sound, much like that of a flushing toilet, and their pilot is seen abandoning the plane.  Nurse grabs Dr. Turquoise's luggage to hold on to just as a honking explosion is heard.  Their plane is going down!

• What will happen to Sally and Tommy now that Tony the Bookie thinks McShane's turns for the worse are part of a bet-rigging operation?
• How's McShane doing, sandwiched in that folded bed?
• Is life in Lowertown improving now that all the men are gone?  How long will the women last?
• Though they survived a boat sinking, will Dr. Scarlett and Nurse be able to survive a plane crashing?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 79

Bob visits his Burglary Coach to exaggerate his Lowertown accomplishments and tries to prove his burglary skills with a haul of flower petals.  Coach is suspicious of Bob's bravado and assigns him to go back to Lowertown to stand up to the girls who intimidated him.  Bob is too frightened and Coach kicks him out of school until he can get himself a backbone.

After an extended nap, Magnus Aversson wakes to find himself alone in his castle.  He takes the opportunity to compose some poetry:
     Dear Eustace,
     The flavor of your bunion
     Matches the smell of my onion

Princess Lakshmi, in the clutches of Rojav, Rajiv's evil twin brother, has been bound to a chair in the Elvis Velvet Painting Museum somewhere in Vegas.  Rojav reveals his plans to deport his brother back to India and keep the princess for himself.  Princess Lakshmi exudes confidence in Rajiv's imminent rescue.  Rojav drugs the princess so he can think.

Meanwhile, in a nursing home, a drooly old woman begs a nurse for her mail, and there is a letter.  The old woman has been getting a poem a week from a Secret Admirer, and she has fallen in love.  The old woman, Eustace, promises she will break out of the home to find her love.  The nurse easily thwarts her.

Sally and Tommy visit McShane, and Tommy helps by pulling out the IV line.  The nurse rescues McShane... again.  Sally and Tommy have been ordered by the court to attend a 12-step program so they leave for a drink.  Magnus visits McShane, berates him for being Irish, and takes his applesauce.  Dr. Mi assists in relieving McShane of his applesauce and orders a bloodletting.

• Will Bob the failed burglar find his spine?
• Will Magnus remember what he's been up to?
• What will happen to Princess Lakshmi, trapped in the middle of a brotherly blood feud?
• Will drooly Eustace find her Secret Admirer?
• Can McShane be allowed to fully recover?
• How will Tommy and Sally do in a 12-step program?
• Who is this overworked nurse?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 78

Sally and Tommy are distraught because McShane is in Intensive Care after their accidental stabbing of him.  A nurse lets them visit and they give him flowers and not much comfort.  Sally and Tommy are still jonesing for alcohol so they leave to ransack doctors' desks.

Bob, the un-successful burglar and Burglary School non-graduate, is cooling his heels in jail.  An apparent friend blows up the side of the jail to bust him out.  They leave.  A jailer, meanwhile, sips coffee in a distant office.  Bob's first order of business is to prove himself by breaking into a Lowertown house.  He finds the bedroom, occupied by a nearsighted old woman.  Bob tries to pass himself off as a grandchild, but she's not fooled for long.  The old woman pulls out her 44 and cocks it, and Bob drops to the floor in fear.  An even more nearsighted granddaughter enters, not seeing Bob on the floor.  Bob takes the opportunity to skedaddle.  The old woman suggests hunting him down.

Dr. Scarlett and Nurse finally have gotten tickets for a flight out of O'Hare back to Solomon's River.  They're still carting around Dr. Turquoise's locked luggage.

McShane wakes and needs pain medication.  The nurse starts a morphine drip, by order of Dr. Me, and leaves him alone.  Tommy and Sally return to visit and are fretting that McShane's not getting enough medicine.  Tommy squeezes the drip bag.  They leave to "help" others in the hospital.

• Has McShane begun to regret serving liquor to the developmentally disabled?  Will he survive their care?
• Will Bob ever successfully complete Burglary School?
• What will happen once Dr. Scarlett and Nurse are back in town after their "deserted" island adventures?
• What's in Dr. Turquoise's luggage?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 77

It's not a good sign when your Burglary Coach worries about you as Bob's is worried about him versus the roving Lowertown gangs.  Two 20-something-year-old girls manage to "tag" Bob with spray paint before he can scurry away, weeping.

McShane opens his pub for the day, tripping over Sally, who has apparently spent the night just so she could have another drink.  McShane catches Tommy lifting bottles from the back.  The developmentally disabled have now become alcoholics!  McShane is at a loss.  The recent positive review in the Solomon's River Picayune is bringing in gawkers, and a man enters, wanting to see the place that serves the retarded, hoping to witness something interesting.  Sally instantly falls for the "regular" guy and Tommy is jealous.  A fight is breaks out; Sally and Tommy crack open bottles and go at each other, but McShane, always a peacekeeper, steps between them... STABBED!  Sally and Tommy are so upset!  The "regular" guy invites all his friends to come watch.  Sally suggests eating the body to destroy their crime, but McShane may not actually be dead...

Bob has made it out of Lowertown and back to the School of Burglary, though without completing his task.  Bob is whiny, and Coach is unsympathetic.  Before Coach can assign Bob a new task, the place is busted by the cops!  But what Solomon's River cop has both the brains and the cajones to find the mis-addressed school?  Coach manages to get away, but Bob is taken downtown.

The kidnapped Princess Lakshmi finds herself trapped at the Elvis Velvet Painting Museum in the clutches of Rojav, Rajiv's evil genius twin!  This is the secret Rajiv has been keeping!  Rojav has a corresponding scar, insinuating they had been Siamese twins.

• Has McShane been killed or merely wounded?
• What happens if he's only wounded and Sally and Tommy start to eat him?
• Will this bar fight make McShane's even more popular?
• What will become of burglary student Bob, now arrested?
• Who is this rogue cop, and is his appearance related to Lieutenant Bustybottoms being in Las Vegas?
• Since Rojav refuses money, what does he want with Rajiv's Princess?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

"Local Pub Tends to Local Mentally Handicapped"

Wednesday, January 16, 2013
"Local Pub Tends to Local Mentally Handicapped"
By Shera Sleuth
Solomon's River Picayune

There are several locations around Solomon's River that serve the general public their beverages of choice, but one new location, literally built upon the ashes of another bar, is different.  McShane's Pub is changing the way people see the mentally handicapped.

"I work hard to make sure the handicapped of Solomon's River have a place to go where everyone knows their names," said Mick Shane, owner.  "The clientele are very... 'interesting.'  I must say, however, the job is very rewarding."

While I was interviewing the bar owner, numerous customers entered, ordering their usual drinks and having a grand old time.  Despite the shattered glass and alcohol on the floor, I give this location eight thumbs up!!!!!!!!

Episode 76

"Officer" Jason is holding down the fort and fields a call from an angry citizen (at 123 Maple St.) who is outraged by the activities of The School of Burglary (127 Maple St.) across the street.  "Officer" Jason digs for a pen and dutifully writes notes "dangerous burglars" at 123 Maple * :(

Student Bob's first field test instructions: break into a house in Lowertown, steal something personal from an upstairs bedroom, and bring it back to The School of Burglary by the next morning for First Gold Level Certification.

Meanwhile, two twenty-something girls in Lowertown are mercilessly harassing Officer Jared who is in way over his head.  They bully him and steal his badge, his keys, his gun, and his underwear.  How low can Officer Jared get?

McShane opens his pub and the regular crowd shuffles in: Tommy, Sally, and Mikey.  It is a raucous evening.  A writer from The Solomon's River Picayune comes to review the newest hot spot in town.  With "interesting" clientele, and a "rewarding job", McShane "works hard to please the challenged of Solomon's River."  Before the short bus leaves, Tommy and Mikey pose with McShane for pictures to be used in the review.

Poor Rajiv inspects the ladies room at Moo Poo Lot-So, an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet in Las Vegas, trying to figure out what happened to his beloved Princess Lakshmi and notices an open window and signs of a struggle.  The owner, who finally dropped all pretense of being Chinese, refuses to refund Rajiv his money because of fraudulent Chinese food, and is patently unhelpful.  The LVPD responds by sending... Lieutenant Bustybottoms!  The Lieutenant is being filmed by C.O.P.S. for their next episode.  Due to an extreme misunderstanding, partially for increased ratings and partially due to the distraction of anal leakage, the Lieutenant arrests Rajiv for incestuously molesting his own underage daughter.

• Will the police raid 123 Maple Street, mistaking it for a den of burglars?
• Will Bob the student bugler qualify for First Gold Level Certification?
• What will become of Officer Jared in the same area of Solomon's River that Bob is about to burgle?
• How will a good (or bad) review of McShane's pub affect business?
• What has happened to Princess Lakshmi, and what will become of Rajiv, hauled in for underage sex offenses when he wanted to report an adult kidnapping?
• What's Lieutenant Bustybottoms doing in Vegas?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 75

Princess Lakshmi is still chuffed at Rajiv who is trying to make up for chloroforming her (and also for hiding some secret.)  He takes her to Moo Poo Lot-So, an all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet, to begin their relationship anew.  They are skeptical of the restaurant because it employs a Caucasian cook, who has filled the buffet with Italian food and questionable animal meat.  A scream issues from the powder room--something has happened to Princess Lakshmi!

The owner of McShane's Pub worries that his business isn't bustling, what with having built over Rajiv's Coffee House, but all for naught as he is soon flooded with a steady stream of developmentally disabled drinkers.  Detective Simmons from the Solomon's River Police Department tries to shut him down, but it turns out there is no rule in the liquor license that prohibits serving alcohol to retarded patrons age 21 and older.  The detective's forehead vein threatens to burst, but there is nothing he can do legally.

Doris is humming and happy, back in her single lady's flat, but she worries about the security of H.A.L., the megalomaniacal holographic computer program based on Dr. Scarlett who loosed his bonds at the hospital, took over Solomon's River's internet, all the computers (including those at the police department) and even Doris' neural net.  She trapped him, however, in Lieutenant Bustybottoms' old Atari laptop which she checks periodically--it is safely padlocked in a trunk in her boudoir.  "Nothing to worry about," she thinks, with a facial tic she doesn't know she has...

Meanwhile, The Solomon's River School of Burglary is training its newest students.  Bob is still learning, but seems to be a willing and dedicated student.  First Gold Level Certification will be his!

• What has happened to Princess Lakshmi in Moo Poo Lot-So's restroom?
• Has McShane's Pub become the place for the drinking retarded, and will Detective Simmons actually have a stroke?
• Is Doris not quite as free of H.A.L.'s influence as she seems to believe?
• How difficult is it to get into the graduate program at the School of Burglary?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 74

In Las Vegas, Princess Lakshmi, who woke from her chloroforming chaffed and dressed as a showgirl, calls off her wedding to Rajiv.

Down at the police station, the easily agitated HR Director is interviewing potential police officers, mostly unqualified ex-cons, when Lieutenant Bustybottoms returns, shocking them all!  He had been believed dead--suspected killed by a Chinese woman planting a bomb up his butt (although innocent, she has since been executed for the crime.)  Officer Jared is still in Lowertown, probably being violated.

McShane's Pub, the newest bar in Solomon's River, is open for business.  A man enters and is refused service, but his wife informs the owner that her husband is not already drunk, just a little retarded.  The owner reveals that the pub was built on the site of Rajiv's Coffee House, and the woman pulls her husband from the place, frightened of what might happen when someone has built on top of... whatever was underneath.

• Is Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi's wedding really OFF-off?
• How can Lieutenant Bustybottoms resume his duties, or his doodies, after having his butt explode?
• What's so bad about Lowertown?
• Did that woman marry a retarded guy, or did he somehow become retarded after their marriage?
• What is buried on the site of McShane's Pub, formerly Rajiv's Coffee House, formerly a Rave club, formerly Rajiv's again, formerly... something else?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!