Episode 113

After having mildly burned a secretary with mildly hot coffee, Sally and Tommy are relying on McShane to hide them from the long arm of the law. McShane leads them into a dark forest, where they become separated. While consoling one another, Tommy and Sally discover they are soft and feel good. They decide to stay in the forest a while and explore those feelings.

At the local Wal-Mart, Mr. Grumble the manager calls Solomon into his office to interview for a "clean-up crew" position. He is interrupted by Shaniqua who barges in to complain about someone pooping in aisle 12. Shaniqua leaves to return to her register, but before the interview can advance much further, she interrupts once again to alert the manager that Latisha is "busting up the store again!" Latisha is called into the office where she promptly gets into a fight with Solomon, thinking (mistakenly) that he is her ex-boyfriend. Mr. Grumble hires Solomon on the spot and sends him to grab a mop and clean up the bulk aisle. A customer enters to complain about the poo she stepped in; Mr. Grumble tells her she can go to aisle 28 where she can pick out any new pair of shoes for free, which sets off a heated argument between the cashiers and the manager. To solve the problem, Latisha tapes Mr. Grumble to the chair and hatches a plan to take over the store. Shaniqua is wary; she just got out after serving a dime in the Big House, but she stays by Latisha's side as she takes over the store.

Outside of town, McShane wanders through the woods looking for Sally and Tommy. There he runs across a pedophile who offers to help, but nothing much becomes of it.

Meanwhile, in an underground lair, Angelica finds new employment with a new mistress, Mistress Evil! Angelica offers to warn Solomon's River about the new evil arising, but Mistress tells her to keep it a secret...for now. One of Mistress Evil's  Russian assistants injects a tracking chip into Angelica's arm, as well as an immunization booster. As her first mission, Angelica is ordered to go to Wal-Mart and put Shaniqua (who always mooshed Angelica's Charmin) to sleep for 100 years! Angelica leaves to do some research. 

• Will Sally and Tommy discover a love that shall remain nameless?
• Will Latisha and Shaniqua succeed in taking over the store?
• Does McShane know what a pedophile is?
• Will Angelica succeed in finding a viable way of putting a person to sleep for 100 years?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 112

After the infamously three-way scuffle at the Adverson Mansion, Princess Lakshmi returns to speak privately with Rajiv. After being assured that Mrs. Rajiv is nowhere to be seen (she is off talking with Dr. Scarlett,) Lakshmi both tries to warn Rajiv about how abusive she is and berates him for allowing his wife back into his life after all this time. The princess gives Rajiv an ultimatum: if he loves his wife, he must say with her; if he loves Lakshmi, he must stay with her. She leaves for the Motel 5 to await his answer. Rajiv, perhaps unwisely, promises he will not forget to let her know his choice.

Meanwhile, at the local Super Walmart, Shaniqua and Latisha, two very dissatisfied cashiers, plot to revolt and “take this Walmart down!” They begin by looking to find some places to sabotage (“bust up”), starting with Bulk Items.

McShane, apparently at his new job, is readying for a last-minute meeting in the conference room. Unbeknownst to him, the meeting was arranged by his old friends Sally and Tommy! They arrive, so happy to see McShane, yet sad that he left them behind while he embarked on his new life path. They thought he had died in the hospital! After a quick soft-spot-pressing demonstration, Sally and Tommy offer to help McShane with his business. Coffee arrives, secretaries get burned, Sally and Tommy must leave town with McShanes help.

Meanwhile, in aisle 38 of Walmart, a mother tries to buy a big box of tampons while pulling her child along with a leash and choke chain. Shaniqua, who is busy “bustin' up this place” confronts this horrible mother and frees the child, allowing her to run wild and poop in aisle 14!

• Will Rajiv choose Lakshmi, or his wife?
• Will he remember to tell Lakshmi what he has decided?
• Will Shaniqua and Latisha take down Walmart?
• Can McShane get Sally and Tommy safely out of Solomon's River? Should he?
• Who will clean up the Code 2 in Aisle 14?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 111

A very upset Mrs. Rajiv calls the hospital to speak with Dr. Scarlett about the paternity test results. She is livid that the results show that her child, who is to be named “Patel Patel Patel,” is apparently the spawn of Dr. Scarlett himself! Before the doctor has the chance to explain how babies are made, Mrs. Rajiv points out the very important fact that she and the doctor have never been intimate with one another. To add insult to injury, the receptionist has been listening in on their conversation and is ready to spread the word to EVERYBODY!

Meanwhile, across town in the Strange Temple, acolytes are dancing in honor of High Priestess Evaleene. After a short episode of concern regarding both their inability to dance and sing in time with each other and the filthy state of the floor, High Priestess Evaleene appears and they plead with her to tell them how long before the End of the World. Evaleene reveals that it will be in four days! The acolytes leave to spread the word.

Later, in Magnus Adverson's mansion, Tripp is severely concerned about his mother Angelica's desire to take all of Magnus' underwear. She has big plans to sell them to Japanese men, who she thinks will pay a big fortune for them on eBay. Rajiv stumbles in and discovers them rifling through Magnus' drawers. Tripp tells him they are the new butler and maid, and Rajiv promptly orders a BLT. To further complicate matters, Mrs. Rajiv shows up, demanding to know why Rajiv is there. Tripp and Angelica tiptoe away as Mrs. Rajiv verbally assaults her husband. As they banter back and forth about the children, the doorbell rings and Princess Lakshmi appears, complete with her two broken arms. Rajiv hopes for another girl fight. Lakshmi informs Rajiv that she has heard the scuttlebutt about the paternity test results as Mrs. Rajiv denies knowing Dr. Scarlett. The argument continues, this time focusing on everyone's knowledge of biology. It ends with the Princess storming out and everyone proclaiming that they are going to get a lawyer.

• Are the paternity test results correct? Is Dr. Scarlett the father of Mrs. Rajiv's baby?
• Will the world really end in four days?
• Are Japanese men willing to pay a big fortune for Magnus' underwear?
• Are there enough lawyers in Solomon's River for everyone?
• Will Mrs. Rajiv name her baby “Patel Patel Patel?”

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 110

The last time lawyer Mr. Ylung was in to see Dr. Scarlett, he was given six months to live, but today is a “business matter”.  He brings cash from Mrs. Rajiv to get a “certain result” in the blood test—that Rajiv (and not Rojav) is the father of her new son.  Dr. Scarlett agrees to the deal and attributes Mr. Ylung’s living to his superb doctoring skills.  After Mr. Ylung leaves, Dr. Scarlett has a bit of trouble reading the writing on the instructions.

Rajiv tries to explain himself to Princess Lakshmi, but Mrs. Rajiv comes upon them and strong-arms the Princess whose arms snap like twigs.  She hobbles off to the hospital and promises to sue them.  Mrs. Rajiv lets slip that she can’t be sued because she’s not in the country legally.

Meanwhile, in a strange temple, an acolyte asks the High Priestess Evaleene what they all should do.  The High Priestess shows them how to dance and they call out, “All hail Evaleene!”  They will do whatever she says, though she doesn’t say much.  Two of the cult members discuss their experience with other cults, like Scientology.  The acolytes will go spread the word of the High Priestess Evaleene to the town of Solomon’s River.

Tripp is back with his mother Angelica.  The bar Tripp used to tend is gone, and the caves have been exploded.  Boss Carla Calvera is assumed blown up.  They are free to do what they want, but what do they want?  Tripp has been on an epic quest and feels like a phoenix.  Angelica suggests robberies… or higher-class extortion… They decide to squat in Magnus Aversson’s mansion.

Mrs. Rajiv has gotten the test results from Dr. Scarlett and she opens them at home.  The envelope unseals… Mrs. Rajiv’s face gives nothing away.

• Did Dr. Scarlett give the actual test results or the paid-for test results?
• Does paying for the test results mean that Mrs. Rajiv knows the baby is not Rajiv’s?
• Who is the High Priestess Evaleene, and what is her cult up to?
• How long will Tripp and his mother be able to squat in Magnus’ mansion, and will that be enough to satisfy their need to do bad things?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 109

The British Secret Agents have made it into the Chinese microchip factory crediting their insensitive disguises and some very helpful American Agents.  Little do they know the "American Agents" are really Chinese Agents who have directed them into a trap: a sealed metal room that is slowly filling with water.  The agents face their impending doom with a cup of chamomile tea and a stiff upper lip.

Mrs. Rajiv's shrill voice echoes once again, "Rajiv!"  Rajiv is terribly surprised to find his wife, thought long gone, back home and holding a baby.  Though it has been more than a year, Mrs. Rajiv insists the boy is Rajiv's son and is just small for his age.  Princess Lakshmi enters and much wind is sucked by both women.  Princess Lakshmi warns Mrs. Rajiv of Rajiv's evil twin (Rojav) and suggests a DNA test.  The baby cries just thinking he may be the child of an evil twin and Mrs. Rajiv swears she will sic her lawyer, Mr. Ylung, on Rajiv if he does not honor their marriage.  Princess Lakshmi insists Rajiv steal a vial of the baby's blood for a test.  As Mrs. Rajiv questions Rajiv, demanding profit from their former businesses, he drains the baby of a handful of blood*.  Mrs. Rajiv promises he has not heard the end of her interrogations.  Princess Lakshmi takes the handful of blood to the hospital for testing.

The 42nd Precinct brings two overflow hookers to Detective Smegly.  Shasta and Clitoris are not in cell 69 for long, though, as the Madam bails out her best girls for a "high roller" who has paid for two at once.  After the women leave, Detective Smegly calls Dr. Scarlett at the hospital with information about the missing nurse.  The detective knows where she is... but the line goes dead.

Meanwhile, in hotel room gaudily decorated in 1970s disco, Mr. Jimmy Smidgely approves of the two hookers: one tall and one short, well-endowed, double jointed gymnasts without digestive systems.  Left alone with the women, Mr. Smidgely seems unsure of himself, possibly because the voices in his head pull him in two directions: "Spank them!" vs. "Let the women be nice friends!"  The angry voice, however, gets louder when the hookers whisper about him.  "Two more dead hookers!" cajoles the voice.  As Jimmy is persuaded to kill, the women realize he isn't right in the head and promptly kick him in the face.  They escape, but Jimmy is angry...

• What will happen to Princess Lakshmi and Rajiv now that Mrs. Rajiv has returned?
• Is the baby Rajiv or Rojav Junior?
• Can a blood test even tell the difference between identical twins' DNA?
• What is Detective Smegly's information of the whereabouts of the missing nurse?  What caused the line to go dead?
• Who is this Jimmy Smidgely, serial killer of hookers, and can he be stopped?
• Will Shasta and Clitoris get away?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

*The baby was not actually stabbed.

Episode 108

Bob the Student Burglar presents his instructor with the gearshift to Grandma Poppy's Hoveround as proof of her demise.  The theft, however, does not count to Bob's Burglar Degree, and Bob tries to lie...which doesn't work, and Bob gets kicked out of The Burglary Institute.  Bob leaves, a complete and total failure.

Deep in the ocean, Flounder cradles the mortally wounded Split-Tail, who was whacked by the water intake personnel's mini submarine.  In a touching scene, Split-Tail says his final words: "Ahhhhhhheeeeeaaahhhhh.... Help meeee.... Avenge.... Out.... Ack."  Flounder interprets the last words as instructions to bring the new Avengers movie to the underwater world.  Split-Tail is sent off in true fish fashion: to float belly-up and be pecked apart by sea birds and run over by speedboats.

The British Secret Agents in China must go undercover as Chinese people.  They don novelty slant eye glasses, buck teeth and straw hats.  They tie their shoe laces together and shuffle out to infiltrate.  Meanwhile, the Chinese Secret Agents, who are watching, go undercover as American Secret Agents.  They don gun belts, cowboy hats, and fake straight teeth.  They round their eyes with tape and come out shooting into the air.

Bob's brother and sister heard of his failure and are extremely disappointed their drop-out brother is coming home again.  They predict their mother is going to be really mad.  Bob lies to his mother, telling her he is now Dean of The Burglary Institute.  His siblings know he's lying and force him to take them all on a tour of his office the next day as his mom needs to approve of the new office color.  Bob is painted into a corner now!

• Can Bob keep his failure a secret?
• How can Bob give his mother a tour of an office he doesn't have?
• Will Flounder be able to carry out Split-Tail's last wishes?
• What movies to fish enjoy best, anyway?
• Will the British Secret Agents fool the Chinese as Chinese?
• Will the Chinese Secret Agents fool the British Secret Agents as American Secret Agents?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 107

It turns out that Bob the Burglar is a better at mean pranks than he is at burglary.  He even killed a man, but forgot to take his money, so he gets no credits towards his degree.  Bob still needs to kill Grandma Poppy, though he'd rather "let nature take its course".

A man reported dead returns, surprising the heck out of his wife, Marion Stop, the #1 socialite in all of Solomon's River.  Stephan's body (dressed in his clothes, with his cheesy moustache and fake left arm) had been found and autopsied.  Stephan believes he was set up, as he's not dead, suspecting that the coroner must be in on it, too.  Marion always believed Magnus Aversson, Stephan's nemesis, had something to do with it.  The couple will let the whole world know that Stephan is alive and they will take back Solomon's River.  They laugh evilly.

The British Secret Service agents have arrived in China, sent there on a tip found in a fortune cookie, looking for Magnus Aversson's microchip factory.  They go to their Microtel to secure their special luggage and prepare.  Nearby, two Chinese agents, Ling Po and Po Ling, spy through binoculars at the British agents, reveling that their plan is in motion to "get back" at the agents for "the whole Hong Kong thing".  They order American takeout and wait.

• Will Bob the Burglar ever burgle properly so he can get his degree?
• How will Bob get the chance to kill Grandma Poppy if she's gone into deep hiding?
• Who is the mysterious Stephan and what will he and his wife Marion do to "take back" Solomon's River from Magnus Aversson?
• Why are two Chinese agents setting up two British agents and what will happen to them?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 106

Rajiv is in his coffee shop, forgetting something, while Detective Smegley continues his investigation of the missing Nurse.  Rajiv gives him an ice-free Diet Pepsi, and no other help.  Detective Smegley leaves his card.

Meanwhile, in the Solomon's River International Airport, Princess Lakshmi is once again trying to leave the forgetful Rajiv.  Two girls, heading to spring break, commiserate and try to inspire the Princess to go after Rajiv more aggressively.  They are miffed that the Princess and Rajiv don't have cell phones.  One girl, Sophia, reveals the magic of the "selfie".  Princess Lakshmi accidentally sends the phone owner's topless selfie to every phone number combination there is...  The Princess hightails it.

Detective Smegley updates Dr. Scarlett, informing him that the investigation has lead to the area of Rajiv's Coffee House and the rebuilt library, but no further.  Dr. Scarlett suspiciously does something to the computer and then suspiciously disappears in a very holographic (a.k.a. H.A.L.-like) way.

Meanwhile again, Sophia's friends find that her topless selfie is trending.  The jealous friend sends "everybody" the booby pic.

Far too late, Rajiv's memory is jostled by the heart-shaped handcuffs he purchased hours and hours ago for his love encounter with Princess Lakshmi.  He hurries away.

The newly elected mayor is addressing his constituents, who are clearly disappointed in him before even officially beginning his term.  One in the crowd stands up and nominates herself as a new, new mayor.  She is instantly recognized from her topless selfie: it is Sophia, who has apparently decided against a trip to India in the spring.  The crowd cheers for "boobs" and she promises to send more selfies.  Her frienemies, however, think she is full of herself and snipe behind her back.

King of the Merpeople asks his daughter for an update on the war on humans.  Humans, it turns out, are very hard to predict.  The other mermaid princesses were last seen being chased by a strange "metal sea creature".  The King suggests it may be a submarine: a tin can with men in it.  The princess mermaid is unusually excited to think of human men underwater and is firmly instructed by her father to kill them.

• Will Rajiv be able to apologize to Princess Lakshmi for his forgetfulness?
• Will Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi get themselves cell phones?
• Is Detective Smegley any closer to finding the missing Nurse?
• What is H.A.L. up to with the police department computer?
• Is the Solomon's River political system really such a free-for-all?
• What will the old new mayor do?
• What will the new new mayor do?
• Are the water plant workers safe in their tin can?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 105

Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi are enjoying their takeout dinner together in Magnus' mansion before some light fetishism.  Rajiv leaves to pick up some handcuffs from the police station while she waits.

Lieutenant Bustybottoms and Detective Schmegly are working on the hunt for "a girl" when Rajiv comes in to buy handcuffs.  He is rebuffed as "Only officers of the law get handcuffs."  Rajiv asks about becoming an officer, but is rebuffed again, forcing him to leave and search for cuffs elsewhere...

The strange proprietor of a strange junkshop lurks among the stacks of strange junk.  Rajiv enters and is told, "It is the handcuffs that choose the pervert, not the pervert who chooses the cuffs."  Magnus enters, thinking the shop is Rajiv's Coffee Shop.  The proprietor goes through several boxes of cuffs before finding the right pair: gold, heart-shaped, bedazzled with cubic zirconia, dated 1963, made for Frederick's of Hollywood.  The handcuffs, Rajiv is told, come from actual Hollywood and have been on the wrists of some of the most famous starlets.  Magnus senses danger, but Rajiv buys the cuffs anyway.  For Magnus: an odd necklace, for free.  Magnus and Rajiv are finally convinced to close their eyes so the proprietor can disappear mysteriously.  When Magnus and Rajiv open their eyes, they are in Rajiv's Coffee Shop.  Rhubarb pie is eaten.

There is an archaeological dig in Solomon's River.  Dr. Spang and her graduate assistant Sheila, while digging for plesiosaurs, are surprised to find a human skeleton in a strata which shouldn't have had humans.  Dr. Spang goes for the camera while Sheila finishes the fine digging using her toothbrush.  The GA has found "some sort of silver, black-looking rock thing."  Dr. Spang sees it is actually worked metal with the black tarnish removed by toothpaste remnants.  Jimbo, another graduate assistant, casually remarks, "Wow, petragulite!  From the Corathian Area.  Right after the Dionecian."  They are digging, however, in the Faluvian Era, which is before the Dionecian.  The Sheila reveals that she found the petragulite in the fallopian tubes of the skeleton--a skeleton which shouldn't be there at all, much less with viable fallopian tubes!  The GAs will continue to dig out the area while Dr. Spang takes the petragulite back for analysis.

• Will vintage handcuffs spark the magic between Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi again, or some other sort of magic?
• What's with Magnus' free necklace?
• Will the police department ever find "the girl"?
• What archaeological mystery has Dr. Spang and her bevvy of graduate assistants uncovered?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 104

Made desperate by hunger, Rajiv sneaks into Magnus Adversson's kitchen on Princess Lakshmi's side of the divided castle.  Baffled by the idea of Goober (peanut butter and jelly in the same jar) he doesn't hear the Princess enter until too late.  The bond over the ridiculousness of American food before remembering they should be mad at each other.  Princess Lakshmi has an ultimatum: say or do something to make it better, or I'll go back to my kingdom in India.  Rajiv offers to take her out for baklava.  The princess agrees.

Dating profile: McShane3701, password "Love".  23 messages.  Single Angela gets help from her sisters Samantha, the suave one, and Mona, the poet.  Mona dictates: "Roses are red.  Violets are blue.  I would like to meet you."  Samantha sends, along with a bikini picture of Angela.  Mona's med school experience helps her determine that the picture McShane responds with is a close-up of his bellybutton.  The date is set, and Angela makes her sisters promise to back her up on the day.

Detective Smegley holds down the fort, entering Nurse's missing person data.  Dr. Scarlett appears suddenly and demands information.  Detective Smegley has her location as "some café".  In the precinct's holding cell, Lady Wonderjam demands attention.  Detective Smegley refuses to release her until the Commissioner arrives, despite Lady Wonderjam's urgent need to help her super-brethren hold off the merpeople.  While the detective has been away from his desk, Dr. Scarlett (or is it H.A.L.?) has been on the police department's computer...  After the detective leaves Lady Wonderjam, a fellow superhero, Toledo Sam, uses a blowtorch to create a hole in the bottom of the cell.  They whoosh away.  Returning too late, Detective Smegley cries, "Holy smokes!  She's gone!" and puts out an APB on "a girl".

In a posh shop on a posh road in a posh section Solomon's River, the shop owner is startled by a posh woman, long thought to be dead: the Lady who would have become Lady Adversson!  The Lady reveals a mysterious "they" injected her with "lots of stuff", but alive she is, and looking younger than ever.  The shop owner has kept all the clothes the Lady had left for alteration, including her wedding dress.  Magnus was "sorely disappointed" to have lost his bride-to-be, but the Lady reveals that Magnus' brother was "so much more attractive".  The shop owner swoons with the gossip and the Lady requests not her old, fashionable clothes, but rather camouflage.  The shop owner promises a beautiful camo gown.

• Is baklava enough to heal the victim of multiple kidnappings?
• How will Angela's date go with a man who sends potential girlfriends close-up pictures of his belly button?
• Will poor Detective Smegley ever get help so people like H.A.L. and superheroes can't keep doing things behind his back?
• Who is the woman who would have been Magnus' wife?
• Who is Magnus' brother?
• What does this woman want with camouflage clothes?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 103

Nurse, though dazed, seems free of H.A.L.'s influence.  Last she remembers, she was choking Dr. Scarlett to death (as programmed by H.A.L.)  Dr. Scarlett short-circuited his digital watch to burn out H.A.L's controlling chip in her brain... but is she talking to Dr. Scarlett?  No--it is H.A.L.!  She flees before he can implant a new microchip.

Flounder brings the shunned peace-loving Mermaid Princess to the water treatment plant's intakes in the hopes she can save Split-Tail, the shunned Merman.  In the plant above, Split-Tail is being poked by a worker, and a water analyst says the odd creature is making the water murky and throwing off the ph.  She determines the specimen should be sent to the Smithsonian for testing.  Just before they can knock out Split-Tail, the Mermaid Princess swims up and drags him away.  The workers hop in a mini-sub to follow.

Dr. Scarlett arrives at the police station to report a missing person: Nurse.  Detective Smegley takes the report.  Green Girl arrives from the Superhero Alliance, announcing firmly that she is looking for Dr. Scarlett and that he cannot avoid his Superhero Alliance obligations!  But he can, because he leaves.  Witnesses are the police station's new hire and the town drunk.

Rajiv pines on his side of the white line down the middle of Magnus Adversson's mansion.  Princess Lakshmi rejoices on her side with the kitchen.  He begs some food off her plate, and she relents.  Unfortunately, Rajiv is greedy and pushes her further and further, refusing to "Lady and the Tramp" the makhani.

Superhero Alliance Headquarters pages Green Girl for an update on the re-recruitment of Dr. Scarlett.  Status: Ran Away.  Headquarters demands Green Girl bring in every superhero still available because they need to "reactivate before the invaders arrive."  Heeding the call: Red Robin, Mommapajammas, Grey, and SSSSStutter Girl.  They cheer, "For One!  For All!  For Me!  For Us!  Super Powers!  Super Ahhhhh!"

• Will Nurse stay out of H.A.L.'s clutches?
• Is it really Dr. Scarlett searching for Nurse, or is it still H.A.L.?
• Will the Mer-Princess and Flounder escape with Split-Tail, and what will become of them in the impending war with the humans?
• Are Rajiv and Lakshmi the new David Addison and Maddie Hayes?  Does anyone remember Moonlighting?
• What invasion?  Dr. Scarlett is a superhero?  There's a Superhero Alliance?!?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 102

To begin this episode, we see the British Secret Agents off on their flight to Beijing, loaded with weaponry and briefcase in hand, ready to track down Magnus Adversson's secret microchip factory.

Burglar-in-training Bob will never get his certificate, with a minor in murder, if he doesn't kill Grandma Poppy.  His coach gives him a loaded rifle with infrared scope and sends him to The Graveyard, where the old woman has been seen recently.  This is his last chance: if Bob doesn't kill Granma Poppy, then he gets it.

Three high school girls, Cheeta, Teeta and Tequila (who love Their Gays,) go to boogie down at The Graveyard, which has a vibrant gay section.  Totally gay Steve waits with his totally hetero friend, Frankie, who is uncomfortable.  The girls arrive and compound his uncomfortableness by believing he has just come out.  Frankie bitchslaps Steve in frustration before leaving.  (Or did Bob shoot Steve from afar after Frankie left?)  The girls want to exact vengeance on Frankie (or Bob?) for hurting one of Their Gays, and Cheeta (or Teeta?) wonders if the local janitor (Jervis) could be hired for that purpose.  Tequila promises to send Jervis a message.  They do Jell-O shots.

Since everyone else has disappeared, Detective Smegly bravely tries to run the police department alone, but he's not coping well.  Finally, a qualified interviewee arrives for the secretary's job.  The interviewee tries to encourage the town drunk, who is zip tied to a chair, to turn her life around.  Detective Smegly is impressed, hires her on the spot and leaves to get coffee while his new secretary starts on the piles of paperwork.  The drunk tries fruitlessly to wheedle her way free.  Detective Smegly returns with coffee, though it's not right for the secretary and she sends him away for a latte.  The drunk tries to encourage police brutality, but the new hire stands her ground won't be fooled.

The Merpeople King calls to his four daughters: it is time to wage war against the humans.  Three daughters agree and begin to draw up a battle plan.  One daughter doesn't want war and is shunned by her family.  The peace-loving Mer-Princess swims away to talk to ol' Flounder, friend of Split-Tail (the Merman who had been sucked up into the water treatment plant.) The Mer-Princess warns of the war, and Flounder tells her of poor, dopy Split-Tail, also shunned.  Flounder pushes the reluctant Mer-Princess to his Flounder lair.

• What will the British Secret Agents find in Beijing?
• Will Bob need to change majors?
• What kind of vengeance can Cheeta, Teeta and Tequila get Jervis to exact?
• Is Detective Smegly's headstrong new secretary going to work out?
• Who will win in the Merpeople's war against humankind?
• Will Flounder get the Mer-Princess to help him save Split-Tail?

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!