Episode 78

Sally and Tommy are distraught because McShane is in Intensive Care after their accidental stabbing of him.  A nurse lets them visit and they give him flowers and not much comfort.  Sally and Tommy are still jonesing for alcohol so they leave to ransack doctors' desks.

Bob, the un-successful burglar and Burglary School non-graduate, is cooling his heels in jail.  An apparent friend blows up the side of the jail to bust him out.  They leave.  A jailer, meanwhile, sips coffee in a distant office.  Bob's first order of business is to prove himself by breaking into a Lowertown house.  He finds the bedroom, occupied by a nearsighted old woman.  Bob tries to pass himself off as a grandchild, but she's not fooled for long.  The old woman pulls out her 44 and cocks it, and Bob drops to the floor in fear.  An even more nearsighted granddaughter enters, not seeing Bob on the floor.  Bob takes the opportunity to skedaddle.  The old woman suggests hunting him down.

Dr. Scarlett and Nurse finally have gotten tickets for a flight out of O'Hare back to Solomon's River.  They're still carting around Dr. Turquoise's locked luggage.

McShane wakes and needs pain medication.  The nurse starts a morphine drip, by order of Dr. Me, and leaves him alone.  Tommy and Sally return to visit and are fretting that McShane's not getting enough medicine.  Tommy squeezes the drip bag.  They leave to "help" others in the hospital.

• Has McShane begun to regret serving liquor to the developmentally disabled?  Will he survive their care?
• Will Bob ever successfully complete Burglary School?
• What will happen once Dr. Scarlett and Nurse are back in town after their "deserted" island adventures?
• What's in Dr. Turquoise's luggage?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 77

It's not a good sign when your Burglary Coach worries about you as Bob's is worried about him versus the roving Lowertown gangs.  Two 20-something-year-old girls manage to "tag" Bob with spray paint before he can scurry away, weeping.

McShane opens his pub for the day, tripping over Sally, who has apparently spent the night just so she could have another drink.  McShane catches Tommy lifting bottles from the back.  The developmentally disabled have now become alcoholics!  McShane is at a loss.  The recent positive review in the Solomon's River Picayune is bringing in gawkers, and a man enters, wanting to see the place that serves the retarded, hoping to witness something interesting.  Sally instantly falls for the "regular" guy and Tommy is jealous.  A fight is breaks out; Sally and Tommy crack open bottles and go at each other, but McShane, always a peacekeeper, steps between them... STABBED!  Sally and Tommy are so upset!  The "regular" guy invites all his friends to come watch.  Sally suggests eating the body to destroy their crime, but McShane may not actually be dead...

Bob has made it out of Lowertown and back to the School of Burglary, though without completing his task.  Bob is whiny, and Coach is unsympathetic.  Before Coach can assign Bob a new task, the place is busted by the cops!  But what Solomon's River cop has both the brains and the cajones to find the mis-addressed school?  Coach manages to get away, but Bob is taken downtown.

The kidnapped Princess Lakshmi finds herself trapped at the Elvis Velvet Painting Museum in the clutches of Rojav, Rajiv's evil genius twin!  This is the secret Rajiv has been keeping!  Rojav has a corresponding scar, insinuating they had been Siamese twins.

• Has McShane been killed or merely wounded?
• What happens if he's only wounded and Sally and Tommy start to eat him?
• Will this bar fight make McShane's even more popular?
• What will become of burglary student Bob, now arrested?
• Who is this rogue cop, and is his appearance related to Lieutenant Bustybottoms being in Las Vegas?
• Since Rojav refuses money, what does he want with Rajiv's Princess?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

"Local Pub Tends to Local Mentally Handicapped"

Wednesday, January 16, 2013
"Local Pub Tends to Local Mentally Handicapped"
By Shera Sleuth
Solomon's River Picayune

There are several locations around Solomon's River that serve the general public their beverages of choice, but one new location, literally built upon the ashes of another bar, is different.  McShane's Pub is changing the way people see the mentally handicapped.

"I work hard to make sure the handicapped of Solomon's River have a place to go where everyone knows their names," said Mick Shane, owner.  "The clientele are very... 'interesting.'  I must say, however, the job is very rewarding."

While I was interviewing the bar owner, numerous customers entered, ordering their usual drinks and having a grand old time.  Despite the shattered glass and alcohol on the floor, I give this location eight thumbs up!!!!!!!!

Episode 76

"Officer" Jason is holding down the fort and fields a call from an angry citizen (at 123 Maple St.) who is outraged by the activities of The School of Burglary (127 Maple St.) across the street.  "Officer" Jason digs for a pen and dutifully writes notes "dangerous burglars" at 123 Maple * :(

Student Bob's first field test instructions: break into a house in Lowertown, steal something personal from an upstairs bedroom, and bring it back to The School of Burglary by the next morning for First Gold Level Certification.

Meanwhile, two twenty-something girls in Lowertown are mercilessly harassing Officer Jared who is in way over his head.  They bully him and steal his badge, his keys, his gun, and his underwear.  How low can Officer Jared get?

McShane opens his pub and the regular crowd shuffles in: Tommy, Sally, and Mikey.  It is a raucous evening.  A writer from The Solomon's River Picayune comes to review the newest hot spot in town.  With "interesting" clientele, and a "rewarding job", McShane "works hard to please the challenged of Solomon's River."  Before the short bus leaves, Tommy and Mikey pose with McShane for pictures to be used in the review.

Poor Rajiv inspects the ladies room at Moo Poo Lot-So, an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet in Las Vegas, trying to figure out what happened to his beloved Princess Lakshmi and notices an open window and signs of a struggle.  The owner, who finally dropped all pretense of being Chinese, refuses to refund Rajiv his money because of fraudulent Chinese food, and is patently unhelpful.  The LVPD responds by sending... Lieutenant Bustybottoms!  The Lieutenant is being filmed by C.O.P.S. for their next episode.  Due to an extreme misunderstanding, partially for increased ratings and partially due to the distraction of anal leakage, the Lieutenant arrests Rajiv for incestuously molesting his own underage daughter.

• Will the police raid 123 Maple Street, mistaking it for a den of burglars?
• Will Bob the student bugler qualify for First Gold Level Certification?
• What will become of Officer Jared in the same area of Solomon's River that Bob is about to burgle?
• How will a good (or bad) review of McShane's pub affect business?
• What has happened to Princess Lakshmi, and what will become of Rajiv, hauled in for underage sex offenses when he wanted to report an adult kidnapping?
• What's Lieutenant Bustybottoms doing in Vegas?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 75

Princess Lakshmi is still chuffed at Rajiv who is trying to make up for chloroforming her (and also for hiding some secret.)  He takes her to Moo Poo Lot-So, an all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet, to begin their relationship anew.  They are skeptical of the restaurant because it employs a Caucasian cook, who has filled the buffet with Italian food and questionable animal meat.  A scream issues from the powder room--something has happened to Princess Lakshmi!

The owner of McShane's Pub worries that his business isn't bustling, what with having built over Rajiv's Coffee House, but all for naught as he is soon flooded with a steady stream of developmentally disabled drinkers.  Detective Simmons from the Solomon's River Police Department tries to shut him down, but it turns out there is no rule in the liquor license that prohibits serving alcohol to retarded patrons age 21 and older.  The detective's forehead vein threatens to burst, but there is nothing he can do legally.

Doris is humming and happy, back in her single lady's flat, but she worries about the security of H.A.L., the megalomaniacal holographic computer program based on Dr. Scarlett who loosed his bonds at the hospital, took over Solomon's River's internet, all the computers (including those at the police department) and even Doris' neural net.  She trapped him, however, in Lieutenant Bustybottoms' old Atari laptop which she checks periodically--it is safely padlocked in a trunk in her boudoir.  "Nothing to worry about," she thinks, with a facial tic she doesn't know she has...

Meanwhile, The Solomon's River School of Burglary is training its newest students.  Bob is still learning, but seems to be a willing and dedicated student.  First Gold Level Certification will be his!

• What has happened to Princess Lakshmi in Moo Poo Lot-So's restroom?
• Has McShane's Pub become the place for the drinking retarded, and will Detective Simmons actually have a stroke?
• Is Doris not quite as free of H.A.L.'s influence as she seems to believe?
• How difficult is it to get into the graduate program at the School of Burglary?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 74

In Las Vegas, Princess Lakshmi, who woke from her chloroforming chaffed and dressed as a showgirl, calls off her wedding to Rajiv.

Down at the police station, the easily agitated HR Director is interviewing potential police officers, mostly unqualified ex-cons, when Lieutenant Bustybottoms returns, shocking them all!  He had been believed dead--suspected killed by a Chinese woman planting a bomb up his butt (although innocent, she has since been executed for the crime.)  Officer Jared is still in Lowertown, probably being violated.

McShane's Pub, the newest bar in Solomon's River, is open for business.  A man enters and is refused service, but his wife informs the owner that her husband is not already drunk, just a little retarded.  The owner reveals that the pub was built on the site of Rajiv's Coffee House, and the woman pulls her husband from the place, frightened of what might happen when someone has built on top of... whatever was underneath.

• Is Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi's wedding really OFF-off?
• How can Lieutenant Bustybottoms resume his duties, or his doodies, after having his butt explode?
• What's so bad about Lowertown?
• Did that woman marry a retarded guy, or did he somehow become retarded after their marriage?
• What is buried on the site of McShane's Pub, formerly Rajiv's Coffee House, formerly a Rave club, formerly Rajiv's again, formerly... something else?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!