Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi wonder where her father's 7-11 impostor has gotten to, how he managed to look like her father, and where her actual parents have gone! They decide to investigate in India.
Two young people are hacking the cyborg locust swarm, and, with the touch of a button on his new app, one can get the locusts to turn on each other. To make money, he comes up with the idea of a $.99 download where every person buys a locust (painted or numbered to indicate the buyer) and whichever locust is the last surviving cyborg, wins! Mother delivers them lemonade and gets locked in with her son's friend for 20 minutes.
Dr. Scarlett gathers all remaining workers, declares them nurses and tells them to do all the work. Most aren't nurses, but one is actually a doctor, Dr. Richardson, who bravely takes on sponge bathing the patient Sammy in room 204. Dr. Scarlett warns: Sammy is handsy, talks to his teddy bear (Eddie) in rhyme, and will forcibly offer candy: don't take any! Eddie speaks to the patient, encouraging bad ideas and reinforcing paranoia. Sammy rubs candy on his balls and tries to force Dr. Richardson to eat it. Luckily for the doctor, he is paged by the loudspeaker. Unluckily for the doctor, he still tasted a little candy.
Angelica has only two hours to decide between Big Momma and Uber Minion, who sweetens the pot with additional benefits. Angelica goes to Big Momma to help with her decision. Her contract is nearly up and Big Momma's benefits are: you get to live. Big Momma says Angelica can take her new job...and be a double agent! The plan is to fake kill Big Momma, using sparrow's blood on a knife for proof, and then report back all plans. Angelica wants to live, so she agrees.
- What will Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi find in India?
- Will the two programmers get rich off their locust-fighting ring?
- How will Dr. Richardson do the work of all the missing qualified nurses?
- Will Sammy ever get out of the hospital?
- Can Angelica have the best of both worlds: live AND have a job with benefits?
- What will Big Momma do with her new information?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Locusts are gathering to feast upon Solomon's River, communicating intelligently to one another... A few weeks earlier, in a laboratory far under a mountain, a scientist has developed a "Smart Plague", designed to eat everyone on town in preparation for takeover. He's programmed the first two locust/Radio Shack electronic hybrids, Burt and Trevor, to desire human flesh, adjusted to "very hungry". The scientist's assistant, Jones, brings chai, and is tasked with programming the remaining 3 million cyborg locusts to "super hungry flesh-eating". Jones tweaks them a little further...
Danny is enjoying his flame thrower, trying to keep the locust away from his hot dogs. His whiny girlfriend gets a locust in her hair, and he accidentally sets her on fire.
A psychiatrist delves into the mind of a girl, Darlene, whose half-sister was lit on fire. Darlene feels guilty because it was her father who created the cyborg locust swarm! She believes complaining about how her half-sister took her spot on the cheerleading squad inspired her father to seek vengeance. One month earlier...
...Coach is auditioning cheerleaders. Darlene cheers passionately, but her half-sister says dyslexia prevents her from spelling properly. Darlene counters, "My father says I'm not dyslexic..." clearly irritating her half-sister. The half-sister's turn takes a turn as she simply fellates the coach, without even taking out her gum, and wins the spot.
Judge Graft has an off-the-record chat with his Court Reporter, in which he reveals his belief that Big Momma is behind the locust swarm, since she seems to be behind so much in Solomon's River. Judge Graft wants her to contact Geraldo for some "wet work", and gives her a bag of money to get it done. She is skeptical that it could be the Geraldo and questions this as a duty of a Court Reporter, but the Judge's threat that if he goes down, she goes down, forces her to make the call.
Angela confesses to Uber Minion that, yes, her son Tripp isn't as useful as she had hoped, but she is still supportive of Big Momma's big plans. Uber Minion is tired of never getting the big work done and dismisses those plans, Big Momma's powers of listening and of cursing. He makes Angelica an offer: kill Big Momma and become his second in command (includes dental and stock options). She has 24 hours to think about it.
- Is there any way to stop a super hungry flesh eating swarm of cyborg locusts?
- Did the evil scientist really create them to avenge his daughter against his ex-wife's daughter's promiscuous Coach diddling? How will his daughter cope?
- Will Geraldo really come to Solomon's River to kill Big Momma?
- Can Geraldo kill Big Momma before Angelica decides if she can kill Big Momma for a better minion job?
- What will Big Momma have to say?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Tripp and Jeff return from an important mission to buy explosives for Big Momma's trench/Native American blow-out, but they only have a lavender-vanilla Yankee Candle to show for it. Tripp's mother, Angelica, mistakes the candle for the dynamite they were supposed to buy, thinking it must be one excellent stick for the money. She plans to put it secretly on Native lands, blowing them up, securing Big Momma's trench, and getting her son and friend accolades. Tripp just gets the idea that they can sneak onto the reservation to buy themselves "some good stuff".
An evil laugh floats on a foul wind to Angelica: the self-styled "Uber Minion", who tried to eliminate Angelica to become Big Momma's only minion! He has returned, not with vengeance, but with an offer to join forces! He wants to dethrone Big Momma, which shocks Angelica. Angelica brags about the explosives that will finally complete Big Momma's plans! Unfortunately, a pizza delivery person interrupts them and unexpectedly whips out a lighter and lights up the candle. Angelica braces for the explosion, and everyone else relaxes with the lavender-vanilla. Angelica goes in search of her son. Uber Minion says he'll be waiting for her to join him...
Local weatherman Jeffrey Barber announces a plague of locusts about to swarm Solomon's River.
An old couple watching the report, Grandma and Grandpa, try to remember the last plague in aught-four. They grab their Bibles to pray and Grandpa notices some pages have been chewed out by their granddaughter, who should be changing Great-Grandpa. Grandma opens the door and locust swarm, eating them all down to skeletons.
The locust swarm continues to sweep across Solomon's River, closer and closer to the city proper.
A local hardware store tries to take advantage of the plague by discounting flamethrowers.
- What will Angelica do when confronting Tripp about the Yankee Candle?
- Will Tripp and Jeff find a mighty high on the reservation?
- Is Big Momma's time truly done, and is the Uber Minion strong enough to take her place?
- What's up with the plague of flesh-eating locusts?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv reveals to Princess Lakshmi that Magnus Adversson would give them all his money if Rajiv would kill him. They are horrified...and intrigued. It is a lot of money.
Spirit Animal Raccoon advises Native American Steve that a quest of killing Big Momma is a little out of his reach and that maybe Steve should just give her a flat tire. Spirit Animal Raccoon is rushing because there has been a rounding up of raccoons recently, and he wants to finish this vision quest so he can get out of Solomon's River. Steve, however, will not be hurried, possibly because he's been sniffing tire air, and possibly because he's trying to remember how and why he was in a tent.
Meanwhile, in a long-term nursing care facility, the nurse who has been caring for Patient Steve for the past eight years checks on him, now that she has turned down the incapacitating medication (unbeknownst to whoever has hidden him away). Finally, Steve is freed from the powerful narcotic and can answer her questions that his redacted medical records cannot: Why did someone do this to him, and who is that someone? Steve's memory is still hazy, but the JELLO is delicious. Suddenly, a woman leaps into the room, knocks the nurse on the head, and tells Steve that it's time to go to a rendezvous. This Steve will also not be hurried, as there is still JELLO left.
Angelica reports to Big Momma that the newly acquired son of Judge Graft, Ezekiel, has built four barns already and is showing no signs of stopping. She asks Big Momma why they want such an idiot, and Big Momma reveals her plans, which will put her into full Evil Mode: to force Ezekiel to have babies so they may sacrifice them in front of him. Angelica goes to check which way he swings, and to hopefully find some trashy Lowertown women to impregnate.
- Will Rajiv actually kill Magnus Adversson, by request, to inherit his money?
- Can Spirit Animal Raccoon manage to finish a vision quest, ANY vision quest, to get out of Solomon's River before he's captured and tested for VD?
- Who is Patient Steve, and how did the lady know that the nurse had secretly lowered his medication?
- Will Ezekiel make babies upon request, and what will sacrificing them do for Big Momma?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up on...Solomon's River!
Judge Graft visits Big Momma with Ezekiel, his first born son (from the month of June). Graft wants to exchange the barn-raising twenty-something for a campaign boost. Ezekiel is stoically scared, but Angelica lets him build a barn out back to calm him down. Graft is upset that the Jewish god Gigi has been supporting his Native American opponent, and he asks for an equal donation from Big Momma of $500,000. They give him $600,000 and he promises that any cases they need won or lost, he will help.
Princess Lakshmi changes Rajiv's adult diaper in a gap between the gun-happy robbers who seem to outnumber actual shoppers in the 7-11. She promises that he won't have to work there much longer as, secretly, her plan to expose her fake father is nearly complete. Lakshmi attends to the Diaper Genie as a customer enters: Magnus Adversson! Magnus and Rajiv harass each other for a while, and Magnus laments how old and tired he is. He needs someone to whom he can pass on his fortune, and Rajiv is more than willing; however, there is a catch: Magnus needs Rajiv to kill him!
A country bumpkin, Jeff Bob, enters Solomon's River General Hospital and finds no one except Gabby Plotpoint, the janitor. Jeff Bob has three choices: across the street with all the good nurses, down the hill to the warehouse with Dr. Scarlett and some not-so-good nurses, or the nursing home.
Dr. Scarlett's nurses were supposed to find patients, but only managed to get one nurse maced. The country bumpkin enters and Dr. Scarlett gets Nurse Steve to triage the man. Jeff Bob, had been married to Steve's sister Laverne for 20 years. He has been living in the woods the last 10 years and got an infection from lusting after "coon tang". Nurse Steve takes blood pressure poorly and another nurse recognizes the raccoon scratches and informs Jeff Bob that in order to treat him properly for rabies (and VD?) he needs to find the actual raccoon that scratched him. Jeff Bob says that he's been with so many raccoons, he can't possibly say which did it, so they'll have to gather ALL the raccoons. Nurse Steve lets Jeff Bob scoop up his own pain killers (Vicodin) and leaves for a smoke.
Brother Offenshitz has grown disillusioned with Brother Chiliwang's godlike powers (given to him by Princess Eveleen in the form of a stone up the nose) and he is leaving. Chiliwang, feeling superior, says that if he leaves, he can never return. Offenshitz smacks Chiliwang on the back of the head, finally dislodging the stone and relieving Chiliwang of the god-powers!
- What will Big Momma do with Ezekiel and what favors will she ask for from Judge Graft?
- Will Graft now win his reelection campaign against his Native American opponent?
- How will Lakshmi expose the father imposter?
- Will Rajiv kill Magnus for an inheritance?
- Can "all the raccoons" be gathered?
- What will become of the suddenly un-endowed Chiliwang?
- Does the god-stone still have powers?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv is burned out from being robbed over and over at the 7-11. Princess Lakshmi gives him a bullet-proof vest and adult diapers so he can keep working...and she can enact her plan to catch the white guy posing as her father.
A nurse checks on drooling Steve, a younger long-term patient in a nursing home facility. She ponders on how he might be if only he weren't on so much medication in his IV-drip. As there is no discernible reason for the incapacitating meds, she experiments, and turns it down.
Doctor Scarlett gathers his nurses in the new clinic. Now the only thing they need is patients. He encourages them to rustle up some business. The nurses troll the sidewalks, harassing passerby, until one is maced. Another nurse pounces on the opportunity and takes the maced nurse as a patient. Despite actually needing care, the nurses are chastised for being idiotic.
McShane continues his endless search for Tommy and Sally, which ends when Tommy and Sally show up. They explain they now have an apartment for the mentally challenged, which requires sterilization. Tommy and Sally invite McShane to a party in his honor for finding them and they say it will be the biggest street party in Solomon's River, ever! They get money from him to help rent a bounce house.
- Can Rajiv keep working at the 7-11, and will his vest and diaper be enough to help?
- Will Princess Lakshmi manage to expose the Imposter Poppa?
- Who is this mysterious Steve, and why was he on so much medication?
- How come nobody needs emergency help in Solomon's River?
- "Ain't no party like a Tommy and Sally party!" What does that mean??
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Tripp and his friend Jeff are rummaging around his old bar The Dead Canary, hoping to find some salvage. To his surprise, his mother, Angelica, is alive and even has a job for them! Angelica give them a "fat wad" to buy explosives from some guy on C Street...in Lowertown (he is one of the only sad men left in the place run by women). They are to buy the explosives and set them up on the Reservation to help eliminate the opposition to Big Momma's plans for a Lake Superior trench.
Tripp and Jeff are having trouble remembering so many steps, but they manage to get to Lowertown and find a man, Bobby, who will point them to Donnie for $20. Bobby out-thinks them easily and takes a good chunk of their money. He also warns them to only look at Donnie's good eye, be patient with his speech impediment, and don't ask him about his porcelain collection. Two steps away is Donnie's where he shows them a sample explosion, and for $50 they can have their own. Jeff, unfortunately, lost his portion of the money, and Tripp gave all his to Bobby. Tripp asks if there can be an exchange of goods instead, and Donnie says he would trade for Ecstasy.
Judge Graft asks his Court Reporter if she can get a hold of Big Momma. He needs some...extra help...for the upcoming election, especially since he believes his opponent has been getting divine help from Gigi, the Jewish Diety, who is supporting the Native Americans. A quick text makes him an appointment, but to actually get the help, Judge Graft is going to owe Big Momma.
Later, at Big Momma's, there is a battle of the wills between Judge Graft and Big Momma herself. To get her price, she asks how many children the judge has, which turns out to be as many as 23 unacknowledged. She wants the first born in each month, which turns out to be just one (nine months earlier is Graft's busy time.) Graft promises to get him.
Meanwhile, at the 7-11, Rajiv has been robbed again and is reporting to Officer Maria. Princess Lakshmi enters and invites the officer to an upcoming lingerie and sex toy party--cheap because they're used! Officer Maria is having trouble getting good information from Rajiv, who has been repeatedly traumatized, so they watch the security footage. They see Rajiv wet himself and fork over the money. On his way out, the hoodie-wearing robber lights a cigarette with his "gun" as he leaves. After Officer Maria leaves and Rajiv goes to change his pants, Lakshmi watches the video again because the robber looks familiar--it is the white guy who has been pretending to be her father! She keeps it a secret and promises to catch the man herself.
- Will Tripp and Jeff be able to trade Ecstasy for explosives from a 12-year-old?
- Who is Judge Graft's unacknowledged first born, and what will Big Momma do with him?
- Will the Native Americans be able to stop the Lake Superior trench, or even survive with so many people set against them?
- Can Princess Lakshmi set up a sting operation and catch the Poppa impersonator robbing the 7-11 stores he says he owns?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv senses something wrong with Princess Lakshmi's father at the 7-11: he's white. Lakshmi goes with Rajiv to see for herself, and he is definitely NOT her father, but she plays along, asking about her mother, and catches the man lying as her mother is completely bald. Unfortunately for Rajiv, they still need money, so he must keep working there.
Tripp and his friend in their zombie-themed bar are a little sick of the zombies, who never seem to sleep, and they lament their only good worker "un-zombied". They unshackle the zombies and ditch.
Dr. Scarlett asks Nurse Steve to gather up any nurses he can find and join him in opening a private clinic, instead of staying at the desolate Solomon's River General Hospital. After they leave, promising to meet up in the old warehouse where the clinic will be, a male patient enters and dies on the floor from lack of care.
A matriarch has summoned her underachieving son, Reginald, back from university. His GPA is 1.2; however, his father's will has a stipulation that money for school will only be given if his GPA is over a 3.0! He's going to have to drop out, but it's even worse, because his mother has a secret: Reginald's father is not his actual father, and she doesn't know who his father is! She, like her son Reginald, was a partier in school, and she got pregnant. If anyone should find out, they both would be cut off from the inheritance. Reginald laments being cut off from his party lifestyle. They drink beer with Redbull together, and Reginald blackmails his mother to keep himself quiet.
Spirit Animal Raccoon appears to an unsuspecting Running Nose in the Dream Tent. He's looking for a "big fat Indian", the young man who didn't want to believe in the old ways, because he needs to help someone, anyone, complete a task before he's allowed back into the Spirit Realm. Two older Native Americans knock on the Dream Tent and Running Nose's reluctance to let them in reveals to them that he is finally coming of age...at 35...and must go on a Vision Quest to find out what kind of man he will be. Running Nose says he sees a raccoon and the Indians tell him it's good luck (while privately rolling their eyes at the wimpy Spirit Animal.) They chant encouragement and say he may be the one to save them from their troubles with Big Momma and Lake Superior. Spirit Animal Raccoon thinks that's reaching a little too high.
- Why is a white man pretending to be Lakshmi's father, and what has become of her real mother and father?
- How many times will Rajiv be held up in the 7-11?
- Will all the zombies Tripp released become "un-zombified", and what will Tripp and his friend do now?
- Will Dr. Scarlett be successful with a clinic in an old warehouse?
- Who was the mysterious man who died in Solomon's River General Hospital?
- Can Reginald keep a secret, and will anyone find out who his real father is?
- Can Running Nose save the Native Americans? What hope does Raccoon have of ever going back to the Spirit Realm?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
It's time for Solomon's River's most popular cable-access TV show, Cut-Blow, hosted by Taiwanese Exchange student Whitney Shears, where viewers get to watch real hair salon action. 12 year old Jeremy, who has the zombie-inoculation-induced uncuttable beard, is in the chair. They avoid the beard and trim his hair, color and gossip about Mrs. Tilapia and Judge Graft, who is nothing but bad news. The only gossip Jeremy has is that the Bailiff, a neighbor of his, touched him inappropriately. Some kids in the audience shout confessions that they, too, have been touched by the Bailiff. The hosts, not being mandatory reporters, move on to other gossip, including that the stylist heard there were zombie-reversal ice cubes for sale on Amazon. The audience cheers.
Rajiv has applied to every fast food joint in Solomon's River and Princess Lakshmi says it's time she asks her royal parents for a favor: get Rajiv a job. Princess Lakshmi Skypes and finds her Papa is now into franchising 7-11s and that she should send Rajiv over in the morning.
Bailiff's girlfriend has been pregnant for three days and Judge Graft thinks he is being taken advantage of. Mrs. Tilapia laments that the police department doesn't listen to her. The Court Reporter reports that Mrs. Tilapia is, however, trending online, though the denizens of Solomon's River don't know she's "a furriner" yet. Judge Graft orders Mrs. Tilapia to arrest two people every day, which he believes will boost her respect AND get him court business.
A former zombie appears in court with Jessica, the co-ed who was registering zombies to vote. The former zombie is upset because now he doesn't know if his registration is valid, now that his zombism has gone away. He says some guy gave him a water bottle, he drank, and just sort of woke up okay. Judge Graft declares him undead, which gets confusing: it is "undead" or "un-dead". Mrs. Tilapia's first arrest of the day is Jessica, for illegal voter registration. Her second arrest is the former zombie for eating brains.
- Will Jeremy's uncuttable beard become manageable now that others' superpowers have been wearing off?
- Will anyone investigate the Bailiff, and how old is his girlfriend, anyway?
- Why does a princess' father franchise 7-11s?
- What kind of job will Rajiv get from Princess Lakshmi's father?
- Will Mrs. Tilapia remain popular after she arrests two people every day?
- What will happen to Jessica, a co-ed in jail?
- Are zombies finally disappearing for good?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi, tied up by Tripp in Rajiv's Coffeehouse that Tripp turned into a zombie-themed bar, are finally free, and the Princess is finally back to her actual age. Instead of making another stand, Rajiv convinces the Princess that giving up is a better option.
Judge Graft brings in Mr. Tilapia, without his wife, for an off-the-record threat that he leave Solomon's River forever, or else. Detective Smegley enters to petition Judge Graft for more police officers, since the Mayor has banned hiring. To help, Judge Graft brings in Mrs. Tilapia and makes her Detective Smegley's boss: the Chief of Police!
Mrs. Tilapia engages the Court Reporter to make the online announcement, and the Court Reporter passes along some Solomon's River history--Chiefs of Police don't ever last very long. The Court Reporter also warns that now that Judge Graft has done two favors for Mrs. Tilapia, he may come to her in the future for favors, like hiding bodies or maybe...the other thing. Mrs. Tilapia claims she's good at both.
A zombie shuffles into a laboratory, completing an experiment. He drinks from a test tube and...he's suddenly verbal again. "Mommy!" he cries, running from the room.
Brother Offenshitz consults Brother Chiliwang for insights from having Princess Evaleen's god-power stone up his nose. Chiliwang sees that the Jewish Deity Gigi is strangely absent, but there is an ever greater power coming in the form of a great battle between Big Momma and the Native Americans. The Brothers discover the stone will not come out until Chiliwang fulfills his destiny, whatever that may be. Chiliwang must leave the mountain and consult the Native Americans to find out what they will do. Offenshitz packs Chilliwang's runch.
FBI agents Cribbins and Maxwell visit Judge Graft looking for Mr. Tilapia, and learn he was released and told to leave Solomon's River forever. Agent Maxwell reveals that Mr. Tilapia had been under witness protection. Agent Maxwell trains new Agent Cribbins to question judgment. Bailiff says he gave Mr. Tilapia a ticket to Shitheadville (shi-teed-ville) the next town over. When the agents exit, Judge Graft instructs Bailiff to make sure they leave town.
- What will Rajiv and the Princess Lakshmi do for work?
- Can Detective Smegley work with a boss like Mrs. Tilapia, and can Mrs. Tilapia survive as Chief of Police?
- Has a zombie found a cure for zombism? How will that affect Tripp's zombie-themed bar?
- What is Brother Chilliwang's destiny?
- Will Cribbins and Maxwell find Mr. Tilapia in Shitheadville, and why was he under witness protection?
Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!
