Episode 155

Judge Graft visits Big Momma with Ezekiel, his first born son (from the month of June).  Graft wants to exchange the barn-raising twenty-something for a campaign boost.  Ezekiel is stoically scared, but Angelica lets him build a barn out back to calm him down.  Graft is upset that the Jewish god Gigi has been supporting his Native American opponent, and he asks for an equal donation from Big Momma of $500,000.  They give him $600,000 and he promises that any cases they need won or lost, he will help.

Princess Lakshmi changes Rajiv's adult diaper in a gap between the gun-happy robbers who seem to outnumber actual shoppers in the 7-11.  She promises that he won't have to work there much longer as, secretly, her plan to expose her fake father is nearly complete.  Lakshmi attends to the Diaper Genie as a customer enters: Magnus Adversson!  Magnus and Rajiv harass each other for a while, and Magnus laments how old and tired he is.  He needs someone to whom he can pass on his fortune, and Rajiv is more than willing; however, there is a catch: Magnus needs Rajiv to kill him!

A country bumpkin, Jeff Bob, enters Solomon's River General Hospital and finds no one except Gabby Plotpoint, the janitor.  Jeff Bob has three choices: across the street with all the good nurses, down the hill to the warehouse with Dr. Scarlett and some not-so-good nurses, or the nursing home.

Dr. Scarlett's nurses were supposed to find patients, but only managed to get one nurse maced.  The country bumpkin enters and Dr. Scarlett gets Nurse Steve to triage the man.  Jeff Bob, had been married to Steve's sister Laverne for 20 years.  He has been living in the woods the last 10 years and got an infection from lusting after "coon tang".  Nurse Steve takes blood pressure poorly and another nurse recognizes the raccoon scratches and informs Jeff Bob that in order to treat him properly for rabies (and VD?) he needs to find the actual raccoon that scratched him.  Jeff Bob says that he's been with so many raccoons, he can't possibly say which did it, so they'll have to gather ALL the raccoons.  Nurse Steve lets Jeff Bob scoop up his own pain killers (Vicodin) and leaves for a smoke.

Brother Offenshitz has grown disillusioned with Brother Chiliwang's godlike powers (given to him by Princess Eveleen in the form of a stone up the nose) and he is leaving.  Chiliwang, feeling superior, says that if he leaves, he can never return.  Offenshitz smacks Chiliwang on the back of the head, finally dislodging the stone and relieving Chiliwang of the god-powers!

• What will Big Momma do with Ezekiel and what favors will she ask for from Judge Graft?
• Will Graft now win his reelection campaign against his Native American opponent?
• How will Lakshmi expose the father imposter?
• Will Rajiv kill Magnus for an inheritance?
• Can "all the raccoons" be gathered?
• What will become of the suddenly un-endowed Chiliwang?
• Does the god-stone still have powers?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 148

Dr. Scarlett is assisted by Large Marge, a terrible nurse, to operate on Sara, the car accident victim.  As anesthesia is inexpertly applied, Nurse arrives to speak with Dr. Scarlett.  Nurse recognizes "Large Marge" as Margaret, her bestie from primary school, who nearly ruined her life.  As they relive their animosity, a zombie enters and, unnoticed, munches on the patient.  Nurse is even more angry with Dr. Scarlett for hiring her arch nemesis.  They notice the patient is still...alive?  Impossible!  Half her brain was eaten by a zombie, but it seems Dr. Scarlett has worked a miracle without working at all.  Nurse invites half-brained Sara to work for her.

Magnus Adversson, sadly old again, is back at Rajiv's Coffee House.  Rajiv and Princess Lakshmi enter, also returned from Greece.  Magnus wishes to have Rajijv's superpower spit to be young again, but the spit no longer works.  They all notice the coffee shop looks different...it is now a coffee shop that caters to zombies!  Princess Lakshmi and Magnus have a Golden Girls moment where they plan a party to toast their friendship.  Rajiv doesn't completely understand.

Meanwhile, out on the street, a recent double amputee is knocked from her wheelchair by a callous woman.  It turns out she is a fairy god person, along with her male friend, who only grant wishes to rich, beautiful people.  The handicapped woman rolls away.

Judge Graft is in a rage.  His court reporter summarizes: Native Americans have holed themselves up and are burning tires, a trench is being dug from Lake Superior to Solomon's River, Judge Graft is negatively trending online because people who voted for Chief of Police are upset the judge just replaced him.  Former Chief of Police Lt. Bustybottoms bursts in, drunk, after a six month bender.  The Graft-appointed new police chief is missing, and Bustybottoms' butt isn't looking so hot.  Det. Schmegly, the last police officer on duty, arrives.  The court reporter records the entire interaction as Graft orders Schmegly to put Bustybottoms in the drunk tank.  Somewhere, across the interwebs, young women Tracy, Geraldine, and Bonette see the trending video and spread it around the internet.  They all head to the police station to goggle in person.

• Will Nurse continue to be plagued by her primary school nemesis Large Marge?
• Will a half-brained, untrained, car accident victim prove to be a better nurse than the other replacements?
• Can Rajiv reclaim his coffee shop and how will the Golden Girls party go?
• What will the two fairy god people do for the rich and beautiful people of Solomon's River?
• Will Lt. Bustybottom dry out?  Can he whip the police department back into order with only Det. Schmegly on duty?  Can he monetize his sudden, unintended internet fame?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 145

Rajiv is frustrated after Magnus Adversson's unwillingness to produce the antidote to Rajiv's extreme anti-aging spit, and tries to get Princess Lakshmi on board with searching Magnus' Grecian mansion, but the princess' regression has reached a critical level and her infancy regresses...into an embryo!  Rajiv picks her up in a tissue and goes to find a jar.

McShane is loving his new job as a school custodian.  As he bends to scrape gum off the floor, disembodied voices call to him, "McShane!  We're lost and scared!  We might die because of you!"  Guilt forces him to ask for a vacation so he can search for Tommy and Sally in the woods.

Tripp and a friend break into Rajiv's Coffee House to steal the copper pipes.  Groaning floats up to them from the basement trap door and gives Tripp a brainstorm: open a zombie-themed bar!  He figures they'll work for brains.

Angelica debriefs Big Momma on the progression of Lake Superior to Solomon's River which is being blocked by Native American protesters.  Angelica believes she can get the White Folk to fight the Native Americans simply because of racial bias...as long as they don't find out Big Momma herself is a lovely shade of burnished copper.  Angelica further suggests a curse on the natives.  Big Momma says to cause fire in the tee-pees and trailer homes, blow up the mansions and gas stations, and cause the crops to fail.  Angelica leaves to get the components to cast the curse.

Exploring the woods for Tommy and Sally is just as frustrating as it ever was for McShane and voices echo ominously.

Kevin and Zeb hide in his closet to his from the recently summoned Jewish deity Gigi.  They think controlling her might be easier than killing her outright; however, the time isn't right for Kevin's motion-magic and they'll have to keep Gigi in the basement until the moon is full and hope she doesn't cause too much trouble in those seventeen days.

• Will Rajiv be able to save the embryonic Princess Lakshmi?
• Are zombies still cool enough to make Tripp's bar successful?
• What will the Native Americans do if Big Momma's curse works?
• What will the Angry White Folk do if they find out Big Momma herself isn't white?
• Will McShane save Tommy and Sally to assuage his guilt, or will he die trying?
• Can new magician Kevin control a deity?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 144

Spirit Animal Raccoon is growing impatient with the dream-resistant Runs with Weasels, but soon a vision manifests: two females...fighting over a bathing suit...and using one another like lollypops...  Though the Spirit Animal is interested, the vision dissipates quickly as Runs with Weasels only wants more Peace Pipe.  Runs is awakened by a Chief who objects to the rude nudity and tells the turgid youth to leave.

Hidden in the baggage of the plane, Rajiv and the baby Princess Lakshmi finally land in Greece where they hope to find a cure from Magnus Adversson for the Princess' age regression.  At his Grecian mansion, Magnus basks in his own regression, which has allowed him to return to the vigor, and non-pant pooping, age of 25.  Rajiv interrupts and begs Magnus to help, but Magnus will only help once he has free rights to Rajiv's spit.  Rajiv demands the antidote now.  Magnus refuses, so Rajiv spits on him until he, too, is a baby--who instantly has a poopie party with the baby Lakshmi!

In budding magician Kevin's basement rec room, his budding magician friend Zeb discovers the last, and toughest, pages of their magic book are missing.  Zeb has the revelation that somebody from the spirit realm doesn't want the fantastically talented Kevin to learn those spells.  Kevin's mom, Mrs. McUmphry, interrupts with some Tontino's Pizza Rolls and casually mentions she threw out a wad of ripped-out book pages, save one.  That one page, however, will level up Kevin's motion magic.  Kevin reads the page...he swirls...he twirls...he waves his arms...  he conjures and traps a minor Jewish deity: Gigi!  Now they can use her to get the rest of the spells.

Judge Rufus T. Graft calls for his secretary Ellie Mae, but there is a temp in her place today.  Judge Graft informs the temp of an important meeting with "those red-skinned bastards" which should only be recorded in the "other book" because he is willing to judge in their favor if "the wheels of justice are greased".  Two native women arrive; Runs with Rivers is shocked by the process of bribery, but Dances on the Beach is shocked that judge wants money and not the sex she was willing to give.  Unfortunately, Judge Graft is unable to "lift the gavel" and instead wishes to have a percentage of their "leafy" crop business.  He threatens them with his connections at the DEA if they do not come to an agreement, which is that he will stop the diversion of Lake Superior IF they make him a 20% under-the-table partner.  They will take it under consideration.

• Will Runs with Weasels find enlightenment before Spirit Raccoon gives up on him?
• Can Rajiv find and use Magnus' age-regression antidote on his own, or will he now have to raise two babies, who may only get younger?
• What will Jewish deity Gigi do for...or to...Kevin?
• Will the Native Americans agree to Judge Graft's deal, and can they trust him?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 137

Co-ed Jessica is manning the voter registration desk and desperately trying to get personal information from tight-lipped zombies.  Name, address, and district escape them, but Jessica's brains don't.  She is eaten.

Rajiv pleads with the unusually young Princess Lakshmi to understand: he doesn't want to be a child molester.  She wants him as a man, and he wants her to have an early bedtime.  A threatened spanking nearly brings their desires together, but Rajiv wins out when a customer enters, forcing Lakshmi into the basement again.  Magnus Adversson orders a rhubarb pie with youth-inducing Rajiv spit.  As a suddenly younger Magnus, Rajiv has him sign a contract for youth-spit research in Geneva, and Lakshmi reminds Rajiv she would also like a reverse formula so she can get back to normal.

Angelica returns to her mistress after having been kidnapped and nearly killed by the Uber Minion.  Establishing herself as Uber Minion, Angelica asks for new instructions, and Mistress says, "Let the town of Solomon's River be on the shores of Lake Superior!"  Angelica figures moving the lake will be easier than moving the town and she begins drafting plans.

Reporter Anabelle Anderson of WWSR brings breaking news: a voter registration volunteer had the stop of her head chewed off.  A "down-home" eye witness reports what she saw in a way that she hopes will get her an autotuned song for her fifteen minutes of fame.

In their backwoods cabin, Bartholomew begs Cletus to help him find the lost girl they lost again.  Cletus strains to think though his hunger, but maintains he sees the girl in a bush.  Sally runs through their weak grasps.

Meanwhile, at the police station, Deputy George interviews a woman reporting she was inappropriately touched on the head and hand.  She describes the perp: very pale, dark hair that came down in a point, pointy sideburns, like Spock, but regular ears, perhaps pointy teeth... She screams as Lieutenant Bustybottoms enters.  The Lieutenant has a similar smell: cologne and feet.  Bustybottoms admits he likes to smoke Indian cigarettes and they figure the perp must, too.  The woman says the man "disappeared in a twinkle of light" and demands he be brought down the station...so he can touch her again!

• Is co-ed Jessica fully digested, or will she return as a zombie?  Will that help her communicate better with the zombie population?
• How fast can Magnus' scientists recreate the youth-spit, and can they make it reversible?
• What will Bartholomew and Cletus do when and if they ever recapture Sally?
• Can Deputy George catch the touchy-feely criminal?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 132

Rajiv is sick of being tested for superpowers and is glad when Magnus Adversson wanders into the coffee shop.  Princess Lakshmi becomes upset when she cannot control her zombie-inoculation-induced super-strength, and runs out, crying over a ruined fork.  Magnus orders his regular rhubarb pie and Doctor Pibb, but after sipping the Doctor Pibb, into which Rajiv has back-washed, is surprised by a change: he is younger!  They deduce that Rajiv has rejuvenating spit!  Unfortunately, the effect doesn't last long, and Rajiv needs to spit on Magnus repeatedly.  While young, however, Magnus Adversson realizes there is money to be made here, and he hatches a plan to harvest Rajiv spit to find the secret to the Rajiv Scrak Fountain of Youth!  They plan to meet up at Magnus' mansion.

Later, in a recording studio, music producer Marcus is doing the final recording of pop star Shasta's zombie apocalypse song, "Brains!"  It's a wrap, but zombies, perhaps attracted by the new smash single, infiltrate and infect the assistant producer who in turn chases Marcus and Shasta out of the studio.

Bartholomew and Cletus are sincerely lost in the woods, nearly drown out by howling wolves.  McShane wanders by, calling Tommy and Sally.  Unfortunately for McShane, the brothers are very hungry, and they have rope.  They tie up McShane and take him home for food.  If they can find home, that is...

Meanwhile, in the middle school where even the teachers pick on Loser Myrtle, Myrtle is accosted by the snobby girls who pretend to like her and promise to help her do her hair, makeup and dress for the school dance.  As the snobby girls mock and lie to Myrtle, hunky Jeremy (of the unshavable beard) walks by.  Snobby Sara uses her deep voice to say hello, but Jeremy only stops to ask if Myrtle will go to the dance with him!

• What plans does Magnus have for Rajiv's rejuvenating spit?
• How will Princess Lakshmi deal with her super strength?
• Will Shasta's "Brains!" pop single be a hit?  Does the song really affect zombies?
• How will McShane taste to Bartholomew and Cletus?
• Did Jeremy seriously ask Loser Myrtle to the dance, or is he in on some snobby plot?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 124

Mousy Librarian finds Jervis, who is amazed not only to find her alive, but pregnant! Especially given the fact that neither of them remembers any "horizontal action". Mousy reminds him about being cryogenically frozen after their adventures in the Caverns and her brief time being controlled by a chip placed in her head by H.A.L., the evil computer-twin of Dr. Scarlet. Suddenly, Mousy hears H.A.L.'s voice telling her to tell Jervis he has to marry her. When Jervis fails to respond, H.A.L. tells her to take out the gun. They struggle for the gun, and once Jervis is incapacitated by a sudden groin injury, H.A.L. instructs her to implant a chip in his backside, which much to Jervis' surprise, she does.

Meanwhile, McShane and Tommy, still wandering in the forest, almost find each other. Tommy hears Sally, and promptly wanders off after her. Nobody finds anyone.

At Solomon's River Police Department, Det. Smegly is taking calls as Lt. Bustybottoms come out and tells him to order a pizza and say how awesome his butt is. Bustybottoms offers Smegly a promotion, as long as he can go arrest someone within the next 30 seconds. Smegly returns with a serial killer and gives him his promotion.

Meanwhile, at the Adversson mansion, the British secret agents have returned from their China trip. Magnus enters, and one tries to get him to tell about the microchip plant by not-so-cleverly by dropping the words "China" and "microchip secret facility" into conversation. When he is unsuccessful, the second agent tries her hand, discovering that China was ruse to steer them away from Scotland, Uzbekistan, Magnus' granddaughters, and some secret vision. They think he knows more, but it has been wiped from his mind. They settle on asking him about the factory. He admits to building it to create an A.I. for the purposes of, as Magnus puts it, "something rhyming with 'furled cromination.'" Despite the fact that the factory had been closed down years ago, the agents report seeing a recent spike in microchip orders.

Tony's pals, Soup Bone, Ginger Butt, Super B and others get together to plan to break Tony out of jail. The discussion soon turns divisive, with rival factions vying for control of the Solomon's River drug trade. They wonder if they should leave Tony in jail instead, metaphysically dead. Ginger Butt fills them in on the details of a PBS special on the risks of pot smoking, and Soup Bone's mom comes to call him home for dinner. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the gang, Tony is already out of jail and has been alerted to their treachery by his friend Timmy. Tony comes to confront them, and a lot of yelling ensues. Soup Bone's mom returns to chastise the group for not giving him enough time to play with them. They apologize, Soup Bone returns, there's more yelling and Soup Bone ends up killing Timmy.

• Will Jervis and Mousy figure out where the baby came from?
• What will happen now that Jervis has a microchip up his butt?
• Will Lt. Bustybottoms get his pizza?
• Why are microchips being ordered from a factory that's been closed for years?
• What will happen now that Tony is no longer metaphorically dead?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 120

Rajiv is visited by Magnus Aversson, the extraordinarily old, rich patriarch of Solomon's River who doesn't quite remember what he's been up to, except that he "came to in a forest".  Slowly, Magnus remembers that he has children and likes rhubarb pie.

Meanwhile, Angelica the sub-minion visits her secret place in the woods where she kept the only joy in her life, her "boy toy".  She had whacked him on the head and gave him pills so he didn't wake up, but he's gone!  Angelica follows his trail.  Unbeknownst to her, her rival minion has been spying on her and reports Angelica's secret to Mistress Evil.  Mistress Evil doesn't seem to remember Angelica, and the head minion thinks this may be his chance to take out his boss!  He attempts strangulation, then a blow to the head, but Mistress is nonplussed.  He leaves to continue minion work and spying.

Magnus Aversson is making the rounds and visits Solomon's River Hospital.  He reports having an erection that has lasted more than four hours and wonders if someone drugged him.  Dr. Scarlett says he can't help Magnus as he's not a "gynecologist for men".  Just then, Nurse returns, wearing only a poor shift from the Healing Woman in the woods after falling from the NurseNudistNeoNaziNarcanonaNado.  Nurse assures Magnus she can help.  Dr. Scarlett will assist.

In the land of the Merpeople, the Mer-King and his family gather to pay their respects to the formerly shunned Split-Tail, who had been killed by a human's submarine.  While it's difficult for the Merpeople to endure looking at Split-Tail's horrible disfigurement, as a fellow creature of the sea, they must honor him by singing the Mermaid song--it is beautiful!  Their song unexpectedly reanimates a zombie Split-Tail who vows revenge!  Merpeople try to shun him, but in the face of the undead monster fish, they must scatter.  Split-Tail strangles the nearest Mer-Princess.

Pussy Galore, the experienced hooker, is helping educate the former rich snob-turned-hooker Goldilocks.  Pussy strips Goldilocks down to her skivvies to make her more whore-like.  Goldilocks wants to "test" her rich fiancee, Rich, as he leaves work by letting Pussy Galore tempt him.  They go to his prestigious law firm in downtown Solomon's River.  Pussy strolls over and Rich easily falls for her whore charms!  Pussy sets up a meeting in one hour at The Blue Dolphin, the place with all the troublesome mermaids.  Pussy won't be the whore who shows up, however, it will be Goldilocks!

• Even though it was never very good, will Magnus' memory return?  Will he remember being kidnapped by Angelica the sub-minion?  Will Nurse and Dr. Scarlett be able to deal with his four-plus hour, old man hard-on?
• What will the head minion do if he catches Angelica?  Will he be able to take out Mistress Evil and become boss?
• What will happen now that zombie-ism has come to the Merpeople and Split-Tail is back from death and howling for revenge?
• What will become of Rich when he finds out his fiancee has tricked him into meeting a hooker at a cheap motel?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 111

A very upset Mrs. Rajiv calls the hospital to speak with Dr. Scarlett about the paternity test results. She is livid that the results show that her child, who is to be named “Patel Patel Patel,” is apparently the spawn of Dr. Scarlett himself! Before the doctor has the chance to explain how babies are made, Mrs. Rajiv points out the very important fact that she and the doctor have never been intimate with one another. To add insult to injury, the receptionist has been listening in on their conversation and is ready to spread the word to EVERYBODY!

Meanwhile, across town in the Strange Temple, acolytes are dancing in honor of High Priestess Evaleene. After a short episode of concern regarding both their inability to dance and sing in time with each other and the filthy state of the floor, High Priestess Evaleene appears and they plead with her to tell them how long before the End of the World. Evaleene reveals that it will be in four days! The acolytes leave to spread the word.

Later, in Magnus Adverson's mansion, Tripp is severely concerned about his mother Angelica's desire to take all of Magnus' underwear. She has big plans to sell them to Japanese men, who she thinks will pay a big fortune for them on eBay. Rajiv stumbles in and discovers them rifling through Magnus' drawers. Tripp tells him they are the new butler and maid, and Rajiv promptly orders a BLT. To further complicate matters, Mrs. Rajiv shows up, demanding to know why Rajiv is there. Tripp and Angelica tiptoe away as Mrs. Rajiv verbally assaults her husband. As they banter back and forth about the children, the doorbell rings and Princess Lakshmi appears, complete with her two broken arms. Rajiv hopes for another girl fight. Lakshmi informs Rajiv that she has heard the scuttlebutt about the paternity test results as Mrs. Rajiv denies knowing Dr. Scarlett. The argument continues, this time focusing on everyone's knowledge of biology. It ends with the Princess storming out and everyone proclaiming that they are going to get a lawyer.

• Are the paternity test results correct? Is Dr. Scarlett the father of Mrs. Rajiv's baby?
• Will the world really end in four days?
• Are Japanese men willing to pay a big fortune for Magnus' underwear?
• Are there enough lawyers in Solomon's River for everyone?
• Will Mrs. Rajiv name her baby “Patel Patel Patel?”

Find out the answer to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 48

In this episode of Solomon's River,  we find Dr. Scarlett talking with Dr. Turquoise's 140-year-old mother, asking her about her secrets of youth.  Dr. Turquoise arrives with the new "sample" (an unconscious man) to regenerate his Mother, and asks Scarlett to assist.  While conversing, Scarlett discovers that Turquoise and his lab make money through a variety of means, including the selling of plutonium!  


To regenerate his mother, Turquoise takes blood from the "sample" and injects it into his mother. This process is guaranteed to regenerate her by 20 years in fewer than 5 minutes, making her the equivalent of a 120-year-old. In 15 minutes she is 60 years younger! Unfortunately it turns out that the "sample" was apparently brain-deficient, and it is having an adverse effect on Mom!

Meanwhile, in Rajiv's Coffee House, Princess Lakshmi is once again locked in the cellar.  Jervis comes in, toking on a doobie, asking for Rajiv's help; he is concerned about the Bummer Bomber who is running around town blowing things up.  At that moment, Mildred the Mousy Librarian enters, but she has amnesia!!! Jervis recognizes her...she explains a milquetoast man told her they were married and took her to his trailer to have marital relations with her.  Jervis tells her she is not married and shares his ganja with her.  She leaves with him to go to his empty trailer.  Rajiv leaves, dragging a heavy box over the trapdoor.

Across town Magnus is taking a walk, trying to get over the purple decor his granddaughter has saddled him with.  During his walk a "designer" bring over paint samples for Cilantro, including lavender, ochre/orange, and 50 shades of grey for the bedroom.

• Will Dr. Turquoise's mother recover from her treatment?
• Will Mildred the Mousy Librarian recover her memory, or will we be able to milk that storyline for a few episodes?
• What will Rajiv do now that he has Lakshmi in his clutches again?
• Will Magnus go with puce, or mauve?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

 

Episode 40

At Rajiv's Coffee House, Lakshmi is still trapped in the basement as Conrad Lufte comes in, introduces himself and tells Rajiv he is there to discover the town's mysteries.  A couple of American girls come in, recognize Conrad and have him autograph their boobs.  Conrad is asking for directions to the tourism board as a woman from the tourism board enters.  Rajiv takes the opportunity to go down into the basement to check on the princess.  Conrad tried to explain how he is being called to the town...he is getting phone calls from someone in the town telling him to seek his destiny.  As Rajiv comes back up B enters, looking for "Bill," Rajiv's supposed son.  Rajiv recognizes the description as someone who's been "dogging (his) heels ever since Poughkeepsie.  Magnus enters, but is driven out with B as Rajiv fears they may find the trapdoor.

Meanwhile, on a deserted island, Scarlett is given some bottled water by his nurse.  She found it next to the peanut butter in the pantry which is located next to the kitchen, just off the living room by the control room in the hatch.

At INTERPOL, Agent Blakely comes in to find Rajiv missing. A helpful Irishman who has been mopping the floors and leaving doors open fears that Blakely may be an escaped prisoner, and therefore locks him in an empty cell.

• Will Conrad discover the secrets of Solomon's River?
• Who is the mysterious "Bill," and why is he dogging people's heels?
• What could be in the Hatch on the deserted island?
• Is there jelly for the peanut butter?
• What will Agent Blakely do now that he is trapped in jail?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 37

As we begin this week's episode, we find ourselves at the INTERPOL interrogation room.  Rajiv is being forced to sweep up the room before his questioning by Agent Bryce Pattie.  The agent wants to know why Rajiv called the Taliban 12 times.  Before Rajiv can answer, a female agent comes in to take over the interrogation, much to Rajiv's delight.

Across town at the Retreat, Brother Noname is showing off his smiley face mandala to Brother Chiliwang.  The Brother was hoping the smiley face would attract the spirit of Wolfgang Offenschitz.  Chiliwang suggests they bring in a "real Indian psychic."  They leave on their new quest.

Down in the caves, Magnus is still wandering when he begins to hear voices calling for help and suggesting he go deeper into the caves.

Meanwhile, at Solomon's River General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett is proposing that he and his nurse go down onto his yacht and head for international waters.  Before they can leave, Dr. Maroon comes in looking for help with a patient suffering from blue waffles.  Down in the waiting room, we discover the patient is none other than the teenager who was throwing herself down the library stairs.  For some reason, Dr. Maroon shoots her in the head.

• Will the interrogators be rough with Rajiv?
• Will the Brothers find their  real Indian psychic?
• Will Magnus follow the voices?
• Will Dr. Scarlett and his nurse make it into international waters, and what exactly is "sperm roulette?"
• Why did Dr. Maroon kill that girl?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 36

On the latest episode of Solomon's River, Inspector Blakely is in the mines, waiting to meet Mayor Solomon in order to give him an update.  In walks Magnus Adverson, still looking for a way out of the mines.  Blakely directs him to the exit, and Mayor Solomon arrives.  Blakely reports that there is a "wanted criminal" running for office named Magnus Adverson.  Blakely also implicates Rajiv, reporting he has been having phone conversations with rebels in Afghanistan. Solomon takes Blakely with him, asking him if he's in for a spot of killing, particularly Rev. AT Isst.

At the Retreat, One Brother is talking with Brother Chiliwang about the murder of Wolfgang Offenschitz.  They agree they must cleanse the Retreat of the blood that was spilled. Chiliwang sends out a psychic call for the other Brothers, and Brother Festerfoot arrives.  All three are worried that Brother Dipshit might show up which, after a brief interlude, he does.  Once all the Brothers are assembled, they draw a mandala and try to raise the ghost of Offenschitz in order to speak with him. Instead of the ghost arriving, Wolgang's father, Herr Offenschitz comes in looking for his son, heir to the Offenschitz Eau de Toilette business.  When they are unable to help him, he laves to continue his search.

At Rajiv's Coffee House, Rajiv is on the phone when Reese Critherspoon of INTERPOL comes in to arrest Rajiv for terrorism.  Rajiv is taken away for interrogation.

•   Will Blakely agree to murder Rev AT Isst?
• Will the Brothers manage to raise the ghost of Wolfgang Offenschitz?
• What will happen to Rajiv, and is he too pretty for jail?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 34

At the Solomon's River Public Library, Rajiv witnesses a young girl flinging herself down the stairs, still trying to take care of her possible pregnancy, but apparently causing a bit of brain damage instead.  Joe-Bob Solomon arrives, checking to see if there's anyone there he hasn't yet punched.  The girl tries, unsuccessfully, to get Joe-Bob to punch her in the stomach.  He is stopped when someone sees him abut to hit her and starts yelling about it, attracting everyone's attention.

At the police department, the desk sergeant is helping Magnus find his money...he tells the sergeant that Mr. Ylung has something to do with it.

Across town at Angelica's house, a young girl arrives looking for her mother, Carla Calivera!  Angelica tells her she is not there...she also finds out that Carla does not know about her, either.  Angelica decides to "adopt" the girl, (olivia) and tells her to follow Angelica's henchman to her "room."  The henchman drags (olivia) from the room!

At Rajiv's Coffee House, Rajiv has returned from the library, and is accosted by Jason Bournagain, who works for Carla.  He is looking for Carla; Angelica shows up and spots the picture of Carla. Jason questions her about Carla; she denies knowing her, but takes Jason's card.  Jason leaves, and Angelica asks for some food and cappuccino for (olivia.)

• Will Joe-Bob's reputation be ruined?
• Will Magnus find his money?
• What will happen to (olivia)?
• Is Jason suspicious of Angelica?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 33

At Angelica’s house, “Oscar” (Carla Calivera) must take a rest; she has been working so hard sweeping the carpet that Angelica gives her a break and lets her fold laundry.  Joe-Bob Solomon comes to the door, punches Angelica, and leaves.

At Rajiv’s Coffee House, Magnus comes in and is served his usual.  Magnus goes to pay, but finds his wallet empty.  Magnus says he’s good for it, but Rajiv has heard otherwise from Mr. Ylung!

Joe-Bob Solomon is snooping around Carla Calivera’s office and finds a will…it’s Magnus Adverson’s!  Joe-Bob thinks it may come in useful.

At Solomon’s River General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett gets amorous with his nurse; he’s about to take it further when Joe-Bob Solomon comes in, looking for his brother, Bob-Joe.  The nurse tells him they saw someone who looked like him in the morgue, but he got up and left.  Just then a woman, Alisse, comes in, accusing Joe-Bob of leaving her and his baby five years ago.  The realization that Joe-Bob is fertile upsets the nurse, who runs out to pee on a stick.

• Will "Oscar" fold the laundry to Angelica's liking?
• Will Tripp develop carpal tunnel syndrome?
• Will Magnus remember what happened to his money?
• What will Joe-Bob do with Magnus' will?
• Will Dr. Scarlett and his nurse ever get a moment to themselves?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 31

As this week's episode opens, we find Tripp talking with his mother, Angelica, explaining how he is now using the newly amnesiac Carla/Oscar to clean the porch and wash his car.  Angelica seems intrigued by the thought that Carla/Oscar will do whatever you tell her to, as long as you call her Oscar Steppenwolf ("Like your Padre," observes Angelica.) 

Meanwhile, across town at the Solomon's River General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett and his nurse discuss Mr. Ylung's progress after the operation.  The nurse points out something interesting on Mr. Ylung; someone has stitched a message on his scar!  Just then, Joe-Bob Solomon arrives and punches the nurse!

Later at Rajiv's, Magnus Adverson comes in and orders some rhubarb pie.  Magnus asks if Rajiv has seen his granddaughters, then leaves the coffee house.

At the mayor's house, there is a knock at the door...it is Herr Offenschitz, Wolfgang's father!  Herr Offenschitz is looking for his son and wants to know if Joe-Bob, his neighbor, knows where he is.  Herr Offenschitz needs to find his son and give him some important news!  Suzanne, the ghost child from Joe-Bob Solomon's past, reappears after being away for so long...she wants Joe-Bob to find out what the important news is.  Herr Offenschitz knows the last place his son was seen was at the Retreat (even though Germans don't know that word;) he tells the mayor that he will be moving in next door until his son is found.  As they say goodbye, Joe-Bob punches Herr Offenschitz in the face!

• Will Angelica find a use for Carla/Oscar?
• Did Mr. Ylung survive the removal of his tumor without complications?
• Will Magnus enjoy his rhubarb pie?
• What is the important news Herr Offenschitz has for his son?
• Will Herr Offenschitz be upset when he discovers his son has been brutally murdered at the Retreat?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 29

In this week's episode of Solomon's River, we find Mr. Ylung talking with Magnus Adverson, concerned that Magnus has taken all his money out of Spelunker's Federal Credit Union...Ylung wants to know where the money is!

Meanwhile, at Calivera Enterprises, Carla is on the phone with Jason, a newly hired thug, wanting to know why the poison didn't work on the mayor!  She wishes Angelica hadn't quit;  She vows to try again.  Jason enters and is confronted by Carla.  They argue for a while over methodology until deciding upon a bullet in the face.  Or a knife jab in the kidney.  They hatch a plan to get Joe-Bob alone.

Across town, Angelica is talking with her son, Tripp, explaining why she no longer works for Carla Calivera; she is afraid Carla though Angelica had quit when Angelica was gone so long looking for her in the caves.  Tripp offers her a job in the bar, but Angelica is heartbroken about losing her job with Carla.  Tripp tells Angelica about how he enjoyed killing Wolfgang Offenschitz.  Angelica is distraught...it is the family curse!  Killing runs in his blood!

Later, at Solomon's River General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett is talking with his nurses, trying to find out what happened to Joe-Bob.  They explain that he just got up, stretched, and left the morgue.  The nurse thinks they should "get the stiff back."  Scarlett agrees and sends them after him.

At the Rajiv residence, Mrs. Rajiv answers a knock on the door, finding Jerry Koff on her doorstep.  He asks to speak with her, telling her how he can't stop thinking of her since last he saw her.  He wants her to volunteer on his campaign so he can be near her.  Rajiv calls to her from the bedroom, wanting her to rejoin him.  Joe-Bob Solomon arrives, having been told be Jerr Koff's assistant that he was there.  The mayor then does something to Koff that I can neither remember nor discern from the recording, so some help would be appreciated here.

The nurses are asking around town about the mayor; they talk with Carla, who is curious about why they are looking for him...Carla recognizes the nurses, and they recognize her. Carla senses they have a problem, and offer to give them a solution; she tells them to meet her at her office tomorrow. Once the nurses leave, Mayor Solomon arrives and punches Carla!

• Will Mr. Ylung find out what Magnus has done with the money?  Does Magnus even remember?
• Will Carla and Jason agree on a method with which to kill the mayor?
• Is Tripp cursed?
• Will the nurses find the mayor's body?
• Will Mrs. Rajiv run off with Jerry Koff?
• What solution does Carla have to offer?  Will she regain consciousness by the time the nurses return tomorrow?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 28

This week we find that Rajiv has finally retaken possession of the coffee house.  As he removes the dance club decorations, he discovers a young girl regaining consciousness on the floor.  She remembers a party, and is bummed when Rajiv tells her it is no longer a dance club.  As she drinks old coffee a new customer enters, asking for a fancy coffee drink.  Magnus Adverson then comes in, wanting a slice of rhubarb pie.  Rajiv dusts off a piece and serves it, despite the fact it is now black.  The young lady who woke up on the floor reenters and finds Magnus' cologne familiar.  She tells Rajiv that her mom sent her back because she "lost her virginity" there, although the girl has no idea what that means (she's 13!)  She remembers having a weird drink and then passing out. A stranger approaches her, claiming to be "Mr. Gnuly," a lawyer, asking if she needs help suing someone.  The girl's friend comes in asking if Rajiv is hiring.  After resisting as best he can, he finally ends up hiring her.  As Rajiv is busy hiring this young lady, a man and woman come in and the man flops in a chair, perhaps having a heart attack.  Rajiv advises she take him to the hospital.

Later, in a middle school study group, the two young girls we met at Rajiv's are discussing jobs and virginity. The girl from the dance party finally understands what it means to "lose your virginity," and is concerned as to how to tell whether you've had sex or not.  Her friend seems to think you have to wait until you have a baby to know for sure.  They decide the best way to get rid of the baby is to fall down the stairs, so they go to the library, where there are lots of stairs.

At the library, the girls get "shooshed" as they make plans to fall down the stairs.  They figure they'll try it on the indoor stairs because there aren't as many, and they're carpeted.  After they "shoosh" the "shoosher" for turning pages too loudly, the Head Librarian comes over to them to ask them to leave because of multiple complaints.  Brad Shershot, quarterback,  arrives and asks the girls if they'd like to hang out with him and the librarian and have mandatory premarital sex.  The girls decide that the one will start a rep, and the other will be the girls who doesn't "do it."  They all leave the library together.

Meanwhile, in the Solomon's River General Hospital morgue, Joe-Bob Solomon wakes up, wondering what he's doing in a morgue.  Dr. Scarlet's nurse arrives and screams...Joe-Bob tells her he needs to find his brother NOW!

• Will Rajiv be able to get the coffee house back into shape?
• Will the young lady find her virginity?
• Will she and her friend find a suitable set of stairs?
• What is Brad Shershot quarterback of?
• What does Joe-Bob Solomon want with his brother?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 27

In this episode of Solomon's River, Cilantro returns from her "vacation" and meets her grandfather, Magnus and her sister, Samantha.  Samantha asks Cilantro if she's seen Mr. Ylung during her absence; Cilantro tells her she hasn't, none too convincingly.  Samantha calls Ylung's office; she discovers the line has been disconnected.  The mysterious Janice "Grey" comes in, claiming to be from the EPA, asking about the noxious gasses being released from Calivera Enterprises.

Meanwhile, at Solomon's River General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett has Bob-Joe Solomon under hypnosis to try and discover what happened when they were at each others throats.  Bob-Joe was choking Scarlett, and the doctor had pumped Bob-Joe full of horse tranquilizers.  Both collapsed; Bob-Joe woke up first, then Scarlett, who opened a safe or cabinet, pulled out a box and removes from it a clown suit, big red nose and a wig, which he proceeded to put on Bob-Joe.  Then Dr. Scarlett's nurse arrived and handed Bob-Joe a gun, supposedly telling him to kill Jerry Koff.

Across town at Solomon's River United Catholic Church of God Our Heavenly Father in Christ, Tripp is in confessional, admitting that he killed someone, and seemed to enjoy it.  As Tripp is exploring non-murderous life options, Janice "Scarlet" busts in, declaring herself to be from the IAC, Internal Affairs of the Church.  She overheard Tripp's confession and has it taped.

In a miscellaneous character's home, we find Patsy, who has just returned from a trip unpacking a suitcase.  She discovers it is not her case; it belongs to someone named Cilantro.  It is filled with men's sexy underwear and is labeled..."Mr. Ylung!"

• Has Cilantro seen Mr. Ylung, and if so, why would she be lying about it?
• Why in God's name would a nurse want Jerr Koff dead?
• What was Tripp going to tell the priest before they were so rudely interrupted?
• What is Mr. Ylung's sexy underwear doing in Cilantro's suitcase, and why does he label it "Mr. Ylung?"

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!

Episode 26

In our latest episode we find Rajiv pleading with his wife to forgive him for losing his job at the Dead Parrot bar; his wife promptly tells him it's all his fault for keeping the bar too clean.  Moments later Rajiv's cousin Habib arrives, explaining he took the Magnus suit, went to the bank, took out money and bought back the coffee house!  Rajiv tries to leave to get rid of the dancers in his coffee house, but is stopped when Jerr Koff comes by to ask for their vote.  Rajiv, who is not registered, refuses to let Koff talk to his wife; Jerr Koff leaves.

Meanwhile, in the mines, Angelica is looking for her boss, Carla Calivera, who was last seen lost, along with Magnus.  Angelica is surprised by Frannie Mason who tells her that Carla is not down there, but Angelica insists that she was last seen in the mines.  Magnus shows up, but is unable to tell Angelica where her boss is; they got separated.  Angelica proceeds to beat her head against a stalagmite.  Angelica tells Frannie to take Magnus up to the surface while she continues to search for Carla.

At Solomon's River General Hospital, Dr. Scarlett is surprised by Bob-Joe Solomon; neither can remember what happened last time they met...they both passed out at some point when Bob-Joe tried to kill Dr. Scarlett.  Bob-Joe apparently woke up in the middle of town wearing a clown suit and had a gun in his hand.  The gun had three shots fired; Bob-Joe remembers nothing.  He hopes Scarlett can give him answers.  Bob-Joe Solomon assures Scarlett that he is not there to harm him; he simply wants his help in sorting out what happened.  Scarlett's nurse arrives with the books on hypnosis he had ordered.  Scarlett promptly hypnotizes Bob-Joe and puts him to sleep.

• Will Rajiv be able to clear the riff-raff out of his newly-reacquired coffee house?
• Will Jerr Koff actually get anyone to vote for him?
• Will Angelica find Carla in the mines?
• What happened after Bob-Joe tried to strangle Dr. Scarlett?
• Will Bob-Joe Solomon get a good night's sleep?

Find out the answers to these questions and more as we make it all up in, Solomon's River!